Wedding Etiquette Forum

Lots of Extra Overseas guests

Hello everyone, I could realy use some advice.  My Fiance's parents are from Egypt, so he is a first generation American, which has led to a lot of cultural difficulties in planning our wedding.  We are inviting 200 guests, which is the max my parents can afford, and his parents were given 50 people to invite.  They really struggled to understand that 50 meant 50, not 45 + families, but we finally got a list from them a few weeks ago. 

However, his father called last week asking if they could have 12 extra invitations to translate into arabic and send to Egypt.  They are insisting that it is respectful to invite the entire family and that is the way things are done in Egypt.  They have not yet told us how many people "12 invitations" is for but are insisting that none of the people will come from Egypt because they cannot afford it. 

My parents can NOT afford to have more than 200 people, and the chapel we are getting married in only seats about 200 people.  His parents have insisted that only an invitation will do and that sending an announcement will not do.  They swear that none of these people will be able to come, so they don't understand why they can't do this.  I keep reading not to overinvite because it can be disaster, so I am not only worried that people will come, but also feel like it is really disrespectful to my parents for them to ask this.  Any comments or advice?

Re: Lots of Extra Overseas guests

  • BTW what does your FI say about this? I would be more on the FIL's side but for the timing. I mean, they sent you the list weeks ago and JUST remembered this tradition a week ago!? If your parents told you they can't afford more than 200 but you feel you need to invite these 12 others then you'll have to cut back somewhere, either on your friends, or the extras like flowers, or get the money some other way.

    Have your FI do all the discussion with your ILs. First, figure out how many people will be invited so you can figure out if your venue can even accomodate these people. If it can, tell your ILs "Invite them, but if any of these extra come, you need to provide X per head." If there is 100% certainty they won't come, your ILs should be able to do this, no problem.
  • Man I have trouble with my English FI, but you win by far.  

    I'm going to agree with pp that you should invite them, but I also agree that over inviting is an issue.  Can his parents/ you and FI contribute if any of these people happen to fly over form Egypt?   
  • I would invite them, but first I would make sure the FILs agree that if these people do end up showing up, that they will cover the cost.  If the budget is at max, they need to understand that you simply can't feed one more mouth.

    I had a similar issue with my MIL.  My husband is also first generation, from South America.  His mother insisted that we needed to invite 100+ relatives in South America.  I couldn't even keep track of how many she'd invited.  Luckily, she was already planning another event with us down there right after the wedding, so we weren't too worried that anyone would show.  
  • My Fiance is really caught in the middle, and he wants to make his parents happy, but understands the gamble his parents are asking us to take.  Unfortunately, his parents really do not understand how expensive a wedding in this country is, so they don't quite get how much money it is.  While money is a big deal, the chapel we are getting married in won't hold extra guests anyway, so asking them to pay for extra guests is not really an option.

    It's not just 12 guests, it's 12 invitations, which I think will be at least 30 people because they will want to include all the families.  I do understand that family is important, but we can't even afford to invite my whole family.  Our sets of parents got an equal number of guests to invite, so it is not fair to ask my parents to cut people.  My fiance has only met a few of the family in Egypt, so the two of us are really struggling. 
  • I don't know if it's that cultural in Egypt. I mean, people in the US struggle with this too. We have people complain that they're planning a wedding 1,000 miles away from their parents and they SWEAR their guests won't make it and then they do, but you HAVE to invite them because it's family. This doesn't sound like an Egyptian thing to me. It sounds pretty universal. Granted, I think you havea  better shot because it's very expensive to fly from Egypt. I know someone from there who only goes home once every 2-3 years (for about 3-4 weeks at a time).


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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_lots-of-extra-overseas-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:445c6cd5-4207-4ced-8b5c-12da6e02111cPost:a4429894-bd53-4cba-8fd8-5c3eeb863a6a">Re: Lots of Extra Overseas guests</a>:
    [QUOTE]yes, its cultural, but if you dont have space or cant afford it, then that's that.  they'll jsut have to understand.  tehy have to respect america and american culture just as much as you have to respect egypt and egyptian culture.  youve done what you can to split the list up, but the reality is you have a space and $$ problem if you add more on.
    Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]
    Ugh.  I hate it when people say stuff like this.  It's, from the sounds of it, a completely American wedding, which in no way respecting his culture.  <div>
    </div><div>Anyway, perhaps you can offer to set up a link to broadcast the wedding live in Egypt also?  This would help stop people from trekking over to the US.  We did this because we had friends in Europe who couldn't make it.  </div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_lots-of-extra-overseas-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:445c6cd5-4207-4ced-8b5c-12da6e02111cPost:83fd460b-5789-4e9b-8ebf-2bb4f13b3a8c">Re: Lots of Extra Overseas guests</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't know if it's that cultural in Egypt. I mean, people in the US struggle with this too. We have people complain that they're planning a wedding 1,000 miles away from their parents and they SWEAR their guests won't make it and then they do, but you HAVE to invite them because it's family. This doesn't sound like an Egyptian thing to me. It sounds pretty universal. Granted, I think you havea  better shot because it's very expensive to fly from Egypt. I know someone from there who only goes home once every 2-3 years (for about 3-4 weeks at a time).
    Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]
    <div>
    </div><div>I'm going for cultural because we really cannot understand the ties that bind in these instances.  Family is sooo much more important to them tha it is to us.  Generally speaking, when weddings are held, it's a matter of simply throwing open the doors, and everyone comes in. Literally.</div>
  • We are in a similar situation. FI's entire extended family is in England/Ireland. FMIL insisted (as in she called my invitation lady and ordered more behind our back and sent them herself) that we send invitations to EVERYONE including woodpile relatives that even FI has never meet. Her reasoning was that "the though would be appreciated" with the promise that they would not come to the states. Well, 4 of the couples she was "sure" would not come emailed me and let me know that they bought their tickets and can't wait to meet us. So it CAN really backfire. Now I'm worried that my venue will be busting at the seams and I feel gift grabby. 

    If 200 is the max your venue can hold then 200 guests not invitations need to be invited. Maybe you can just say that family will be invited through 1st cousins (or whatever) to limit the extra guests, especially since you are already limiting your family. Trust me I know it's frustrating and feel your pain.
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  • I am in this exact situation.  My FI is the only son of the oldest living male (his father) from Iran.  FFIL is also insisting that we send invitations to his siblings in Iran and they will then "spread the word" to their families.  OY!  This really freaked me out.  I mean I need a number for goodness sake!  But again becuase of cultural differences he doesn't get that!!  He is certain that none of the people from Iran will be able to come, in fact, he can't even find legitimate addresses for us to even send the invitations to.  But then we received an email from some cousin in Turkey who is "looking forward to receiving the invitation so that they can get their paperwork in order for their visas to travel here for the wedding".  Okay, and now I realize this might be kind of mean, but we are intentionally waiting until only 8 weeks out to send our invitations but not just for this reason but also because I don't want to send them in the middle of holiday card season!  So, I'm secretly  hoping that they won't even receive the invitation in time to make any kind of arrangements or apply for visas etc.  I know the whole thing is risky and it really upset me at first, but I decided that it was best to respect his culture and trust that they really won't show up and if they do, we'll cross that bridge if or when we come to it.  So with all of that said, I would say to go ahead and send the invitations but maybe like other pp's have said, let him know that if any of them DO show up that he will need to cover the cost.
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  • While I agree that culturally weddings are very different affairs, I have to offer a cautionary tale.

    My sister got married in St. Thomas and invited everyone in the family that she wanted to come. My mother insisted that my sister send invitations to her sisters (who we despise and just pretend don't exist) because she was 100% certain that they would not attend. Well guess what? They came, together, and caused so many problems. Yes, there was room for them, but we never expected them to come but they just figured they'd make a vacation out of it because they had never been to the Caribbean before.

    It does happen, so you do need to be prepared if they decide to "make a vacation" out of it or use it an excuse to finally visit family in the US.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_lots-of-extra-overseas-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:445c6cd5-4207-4ced-8b5c-12da6e02111cPost:803ce023-90f2-4bb8-a5a7-eda044cb06f8">Re: Lots of Extra Overseas guests</a>:
    [QUOTE]While I agree that culturally weddings are very different affairs, I have to offer a cautionary tale. My sister got married in St. Thomas and invited everyone in the family that she wanted to come. My mother insisted that my sister send invitations to her sisters (who we despise and just pretend don't exist) because she was 100% certain that they would not attend. Well guess what? They came, together, and caused so many problems. Yes, there was room for them, but we never expected them to come but they just figured they'd make a vacation out of it because they had never been to the Caribbean before. It does happen, so you do need to be prepared if they decide to "make a vacation" out of it or use it an excuse to finally visit family in the US.
    Posted by waltzingmatilda13[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Ditto!  Don't let them tell you that.  FI's mom insisted I invited all these cousins and second cousins (huge Italian family) and she was certain they wouldn't become.  Well we got one RSVP the other day for a couple.... and their five kids!  Don't invite anyone if you don't have the space to do so.  And certainly don't let them bully you into extending more invites.  

    </div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_lots-of-extra-overseas-guests?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:445c6cd5-4207-4ced-8b5c-12da6e02111cPost:58852661-cbb2-478b-8bc7-bdd83eb4e1d0">Re: Lots of Extra Overseas guests</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Lots of Extra Overseas guests : Ugh.  I hate it when people say stuff like this.  It's, from the sounds of it, a completely American wedding, which in no way respecting his culture.   Anyway, perhaps you can offer to set up a link to broadcast the wedding live in Egypt also?  This would help stop people from trekking over to the US.  We did this because we had friends in Europe who couldn't make it.  
    Posted by Snippylynn[/QUOTE]

    <div>I agree with this post...My Husband has a lot of family in Northern Ireland and I have some family in Spain and in Central America. We DID sent out invitations to them and even paid for the international return postage for the RSVP card, as well as kept them informed of the updates on our website. I think it made them feel a part of it, even though NONE of them were able to attend. When we get our photos & video we plan on sending them a slideshow and video so that they can in a small way be a part of our special day. I think sending the extra invitations is about the sentiment and it is doubtful that will make the journey. We also had sent out invitations to our friends from our old hometown in Michigan and most of them were unable to attend. The state of the economy is pandemic and most people are unable to spend that much money on a weekend--so I think you would be safe to send the invitations. Just remember that it is probably much more expensive for them to travel that far for your big day than what you may be spending on hosting them at your wedding.  And this way your fiancé does not feel caught in the middle. </div><div>Tell your MIL that you will send the invitations and that you will also then send a slideshow or video to the family in Egypt so that they will be able to see your wedding (and they don't need to travel that far)</div><div><img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" /></div>
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  • PS: Plus also keep in mind that traveling from Egypt to US may  not be that simple...Do they even have passports? Are VISA's required? Therefore, it may not even be feasible for them to attend anyway...not just fiscally! 
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