Should We Wait?

daffydillie

FI and I have been keeping our engagement under wraps. My best friend knows and that is about it. My family knows it is coming and are very supportive. We have kept it off Facebook and quietly been planning. We work on one task a week and I am saving dress shopping until we make it public so some friends can come and my Aunt and Gram.

We are having a cookout at the end of June where we were thinking about telling everyone in person about our engagement. We both have super large families and we extended an open invitation to everyone in our immediate family, aunts and uncles, and first cousins. Its a Luau themed BBQ. Its byob but we will have a keg for $5 per person (pretty common in our group for cookouts) and bring your own games/camp chairs. Bonfire and quad riding to follow. By no means is it a gift giving affair. We just wanted to throw a cookout at our new house.
 
FI wanted to get his family up to speed on things before we told anyone. It does not look like he is going to be able to have those conversations but he still wanted to tell everyone in person. Major issues with FSIL but another story. Would these been seen as an engagement party of sorts? Should we just wait and tell everyone later at one of the other family picnics. My family has BBQs/Picnics just about every other weekend where everyone gets together at someone's house but we did not want my family to find out before his.

Simply Fated

Just to recap... you and FI are throwing a BBQ and you guys are going to tell them then that you guys are engaged? That wouldn't be an eparty, IMO. Is that what you wanted to know?

melb2013

I wouldn't think that party would be considered an engagement party.  I think it's nice that you want to tell your families in person.  

I'm a little confused though... you are inviting your FI's family to this party to tell them in person about your engagement, but your FI wants to tell his family before the party?

daffydillie

He wanted to talk to his sister and his dad about us getting serious not necissarily tell them until the BBQ. He did not want to shock them. But Its such a tough subject right now because his sister is having a cow because he is moving back in with me. He has talked to my dad, my brother, and my best friend. My best friend though is the only one who knows that we have started planning. '

I would much rather tell everyone in person than to have them find out on Facebook. I mean, there are going to be people who cannot make it who will find out from other means but at least we tried to tell everyone in person at the same time was our thoughts.

Simply Fated

In Response to Re:Should We Wait?:[QUOTE]He wanted to talk to his sister and his dad about us getting serious not necissarily tell them until the BBQ. He did not want to shock them. But Its such a tough subject right now because his sister is having a cow because he is moving back in with me. He has talked to my dad, my brother, and my best friend. My best friend though is the only one who knows that we have started planning. 'I would much rather tell everyone in person than to have them find out on Facebook. I mean, there are going to be people who cannot make it who will find out from other means but at least we tried to tell everyone in person at the same time was our thoughts. Posted by daffydillie[/QUOTE]
Are you guys worried that his dad and sister will act inappropriately to the news and you don't want a public scene at the BBQ?

I totally understand not wanting people to find out through fb, but a public announcement might not be the best way to go if people won't take the news of the engagement well and make a spectacle.

daffydillie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-we-wait?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:450c0e61-5f78-4a54-86d2-b11230f649f1Post:b9dedf14-8ee5-4bec-8f1b-51d149490013">Re:Should We Wait?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Should We Wait?: <strong>Are you guys worried that his dad and sister will act inappropriately to the news and you don't want a public scene at the BBQ? I</strong> totally understand not wanting people to find out through fb, but a public announcement might not be the best way to go if people won't take the news of the engagement well and make a spectacle.
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

We are kind of worried about how his sister will react and did not want a scene. We did not know there were any issues until the last few days. She is angry because she feels I treat him poorly and has been telling all of his friends all sorts of tales for example he told a mutual friend of FI and I's yesterday that FI's best friend isnt talking to FI because he is tired of seeing FI be walked on.

daffydillie

Yes everyone would be invited with the exception of an adult only reception.

Here's the situation with FSIL if anyone is bored.I am really mulling things over. I hate drama. But what I hate the most is the crap that is going on behind my back by someone who claims to be my "friend." Clicky

Avion22

I'm just curious about why you felt the need to keep your engagement secret.  Usually people do this because they're afraid of how their families and friends will react. If this is the case, then announcing, "Hey everyone, we're engaged!" in a big party setting might be the best plan.

angryangry

This may sound crazy, but there is a gray area in between the black and white of either telling someone in person or having them find out on facebook. It is called a phone call. I would just call up your immediate familes/closest friends and tell them you are engaged. If the BBQ is fairly soon, word will trickle around to everyone else at the BBQ without you having to make a big announcement. 

daffydillie

Because we wanted to tell people in person and had been planning the cookout for a few months and thought it would be a good time to tell everyone. We did not want people posting it on Facebook, texting each other, or ringing the phone off the wall and people being hurt. Before the age of Facebook, we probably would have done things a tad bit differently. I had some personal issues as well that we wanted cleared up before we decided to get engaged/married. We did not see a point in getting engaged now if we were waiting 3+ years to get married.

daffydillie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-we-wait?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:450c0e61-5f78-4a54-86d2-b11230f649f1Post:24d280a5-13f2-47b4-bd59-aef026aa3e26">Re: Should We Wait?</a>:
[QUOTE]This may sound crazy, but there is a gray area in between the black and white of either telling someone in person or having them find out on facebook. It is called a phone call. I would just call up your immediate familes/closest friends and tell them you are engaged. If the BBQ is fairly soon, word will trickle around to everyone else at the BBQ without you having to make a big announcement. 
Posted by angryangry[/QUOTE]

Our BBQ is June 30th. We are still waiting for my ring to be sized and dont have it yet. My family would be offended to be called and told them or to find out via Facebook. If we did not wait for the cookout, we would have taken our immediate families out to dinner to tell them. We prefer the more casual atmosphere.  

Avion22

I think my family would have been MORE hurt by finding out that I had been engaged for months and planning a wedding without telling them.

But anyway....nothing wrong with a party if you think people are going to take the news well.  But I think phone calls or taking people out to dinner are both better options.  Are SOME people going to find out on facebook?   Perhaps, but you will have already told your family and closest friends by phone or in person, so I don't see what the big deal is.

runpipparun

It sounds like you guys have either had a rocky road up to this point, will face some opposition going forward, or some combination of the two. It's very disconcerting that you are letting his sister have sooooo much influence over how you conduct yourselves regarding your own personal business though. Even if you walk all over him, it is his choice and your choice, and you need to stop allowing her dissent to dictate your plans and stop hiding. If you can't, maybe neither of you Is independent enough to get married.

QueerFemme

Am I the only one that finds it odd to charge your friends for beer?

daffydillie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-we-wait?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:450c0e61-5f78-4a54-86d2-b11230f649f1Post:c9ac9d4d-e3ea-4501-aebd-884fc7d3874f">Re:Should We Wait?</a>:
[QUOTE]It sounds like you guys have either had a rocky road up to this point, will face some opposition going forward, or some combination of the two. It's very disconcerting that you are letting his sister have sooooo much influence over how you conduct yourselves regarding your own personal business though. Even if you walk all over him, it is his choice and your choice, and you need to stop allowing her dissent to dictate your plans and stop hiding. If you can't, maybe neither of you Is independent enough to get married.
Posted by runpipparun[/QUOTE]

He is still moving in. We still have been doing our own thing. Still getting engaged. She really does not have much of say, other than I think I am pretty sure a lot of this is stemming from hurt of more or less losing a friend to be with FI. I also do not want her to cause a scene or a fit at our BBQ. We are celebrating the start of a new summer and spending time with friends and family.

We were looking into options for when we could afford a wedding. Everyone knew that for the most part except maybe his sister and his dad. I am not sure how much FI talked to them about it. But people talk. So it probably was not much of a mystery.

Things have been pretty smooth sailing up to last night. There have been a few digs at FI by FFIL and FSIL about a few habits he has stopped since us starting dating. This whole situation seriously came out of the blue. I mean she was complaining on and off about not seeing him much but a couple days ago was the first we heard of her "complaints" through our friends.

We have just nailed down a date in the last few days so we have not been engaged for months. But with my personal issue going on, my family will completely understand why we waited to tell people our intentions. I would imagine most of our friends are in the same ship. the 30th was the first day after everything was resolved that I was off work to spend time with our families.

Simply Fated

If you think your FSIL will cause a scene then maybe the BBQ isn't the best place to announce this particular news. Do you think she'll cause drama right then and there? Again, I DO understand your dilemma about not wanting people to find out from fb or another person before you get a chance to. It's awkward enough when people find out through another person, but fb is far worse. If my bf and I told his family before our friends and extended family, they'd ALL find out from fb. His family would spread the news faster than you can say Zuckerberg. You gotta do what's best for you. Is his sister really that BSC that she'd say something at the BBQ?

daffydillie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-we-wait?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:450c0e61-5f78-4a54-86d2-b11230f649f1Post:e045a316-f4ee-4d7c-b0a1-d8c53dbba522">Re:Should We Wait?</a>:
[QUOTE]Am I the only one that finds it odd to charge your friends for beer?
Posted by cmgilpin[/QUOTE]

Its been the way we have always done things. Its BYOB and some of us pitch in for a keg. We are buying all the food. We literally cookout together every other weekend in the summer in addition to Memorial Day, the 4th, and Labor Day. $5 for all you can drink Guiness or Yuengling isnt bad. So the guy knows us and we get a good deal. It started at my gram's because she didnt mind cooking for us, but she wasnt going to support our drinking.

daffydillie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-we-wait?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:450c0e61-5f78-4a54-86d2-b11230f649f1Post:5ed14550-8777-4af7-bfa5-b5657d51890d">Re:Should We Wait?</a>:
[QUOTE]If you think your FSIL will cause a scene then maybe the BBQ isn't the best place to announce this particular news. Do you think she'll cause drama right then and there? Again, I DO understand your dilemma about not wanting people to find out from fb or another person before you get a chance to. It's awkward enough when people find out through another person, but fb is far worse. If my bf and I told his family before our friends and extended family, they'd ALL find out from fb. His family would spread the news faster than you can say Zuckerberg. You gotta do what's best for you. Is his sister really that BSC that she'd say something at the BBQ?
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

Im not sure honestly. I would not think her too but its hard to say. She may not even go. She has not been going to family functions lately. But if she does not go and I am certain people will be blowing up Facebook after we make it "official" she is going to be angry. It is really a no win.

I think we are just going to go with our plan. We arent planning on screaming it off the rooftops or anything. Just telling our parents and grandparents in person and I am sure it will get around the shindig.

I got to figure out something to do about FSIL just from a friend standpoint. This whole situation is blowing my mind and really eatting away at me. We have been friends for over 10 years.

mkrupar

I feel like there's sooo much more to this story that we're not gettng, so I can't give an honest opinion. And your other post says he's already moved back in with you, not going to move in with you like this one says. And I see you're still waiting on your divorce to be final. I can see why some of those things in your previous post would upset someone. If you think FSIL is going to react badly, tell her beforehand. I would give a little side eye to TBH though if I knew someone got engaged before their divorce was even final. Which sounds like the case here.

JNV825

You keep mentioning that you wanted an issue with yourself to resolve? What is it? I get the vibe that you were going throough a divorce or something and it was just finalized? I'm probably wrong but whats this big issue that kept you guys from planning your wedding for 3 years?

aragx6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-we-wait?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:450c0e61-5f78-4a54-86d2-b11230f649f1Post:e045a316-f4ee-4d7c-b0a1-d8c53dbba522">Re:Should We Wait?</a>:
[QUOTE]Am I the only one that finds it odd to charge your friends for beer?
Posted by cmgilpin[/QUOTE]

Did you go to college? :P

We were invited to a float trip and camping weekend with friends to celebrate a birthday this last weekend. My friend bought pretty much everything that was needed and I wrote her a check for our chunk. Seems pretty normal to me.

DreamCLG7

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-we-wait?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:450c0e61-5f78-4a54-86d2-b11230f649f1Post:e045a316-f4ee-4d7c-b0a1-d8c53dbba522">Re:Should We Wait?</a>:
[QUOTE]Am I the only one that finds it odd to charge your friends for beer?
Posted by cmgilpin[/QUOTE]

No, i think it's odd to think it's odd..... you don't bring a dish or drinks when you go to an informal party? it's the same thing

plus, the amount of beer we drink,  $5 is a smokin' deal.

runpipparun

You also said in a previous post that she didn't attend your "New Beginnings" BBQ. Please don't name your BBQs, and especially don't name them things like "New Beginnings." That will totally rub people the wrong way, or at the very least make them roll their eyes.

smartlypretty

*shrugs* Whatever you want to do is probably fine. When FI and I got engaged, I just spent most of the afternoon on the phone. FI didn't care (we discussed beforehand) and I liked telling everyone personally. I literally called everyone I knew within a 3 hour time period. No one had to find out over facebook. No big deal. 

daffydillie

I am going through a pretty messy divorce. Have been for years. I was married 5 years ago, 2 weeks later he changed his mind and moved in with a man. But he has been fighting it for alimony (he quit his job to be with this fella), what he feels he is entitled to (house, car, my retirements), then when he was denied getting any of that he wanted marriage counseling. He filed first then right before it was final, he withdrew the papers so I had to refile and go through the whole process again.

Currently he is living with another woman. He is more or less a predator that goes after a certain kind of person, drains them of their money(not even going to go there how much he took from me), gets what he wants, and moves on. When he started fighting the divorce, I hired a private investigator to disprove his claims. The grand finally was when he got one of his girlfriends pregnant and they served me with papers to pay child support and the paternity was proven. That was probably the lynch pin in the situation.

After I gathered all this, I hired an attorney to put everything together. We showed him what we had, he signed everything and has finally left me alone. It will be official soon. My ex and I have not lived together since 2 weeks after we were married. And he did not live with me before we were married. I was one of those people that thought why would he but the cow when he gets the milk for free kind of people.

So, no one has really given me the side eye. Most people have been surprised I have not moved on sooner. Only my close family and friends know the divorce isnt final. I really dont broadcast what has been going on, because it is humiliating to have your husband leave for a man then get a 17 year old pregnant.

As for the "new beginnings" thats what my aunts been calling it. I had to get  a restraining order against my ex and his family. FI and I moved out of the area to have some peace. My house was destroyed in a really bad storm last year along with my car. So we have a new house, new car, FI just got an awesome job, I was promoted at work, my divorce will be final, and we have our health, wellness, and an awesome family of furbabies. So I just go with it. Cheezy name? Sure. But we have too much awesomeness going on to not celebrate with our families. FI has not had it much easier. So a huge cookout with our family in the style of a luau is perfectly fine with us. My cousin is having a drunken chicken cookout the week after the 4th. So we arent very original.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-we-wait?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:450c0e61-5f78-4a54-86d2-b11230f649f1Post:e045a316-f4ee-4d7c-b0a1-d8c53dbba522">Re:Should We Wait?</a>:
[QUOTE]Am I the only one that finds it odd to charge your friends for beer?
Posted by cmgilpin[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>No. I was like, "How is no one commenting on this?"</div><div>
</div><div>ETA: I get the covered dish thing. But bringing money is weird to me.

</div>

daffydillie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_should-we-wait?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:450c0e61-5f78-4a54-86d2-b11230f649f1Post:fc7f6418-6764-40ff-a569-7488263c191c">Re:Should We Wait?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Should We Wait? : No. I was like, "How is no one commenting on this?" ETA: I get the covered dish thing. But bringing money is weird to me.
Posted by Domino04[/QUOTE]

Its a casual get together. We just rotate where we have the cookout. Every weekend is at someone differents house. The weekend before our cookout is at my grams, then its us,my cousins, my uncles, my dads, and one of my other uncles and we rotate all summer until the weather doesnt allow for it anymore.

I guess I dont see it as odd. We did it at college. We do it for parties at my college friend's house. And we have done it since I can remember at family events.