Invite him or not?

LAURENFOLEY

I've been going back and forth on whether I should invite my childhood next door neighbor to my wedding. I grew up as the only girl in a group of 5 other guys. I've kept in touch with all of them, but am only REALLY good friends with one of them still. I figured I'd only invite the one I was still really close with (and we have a bunch of other mutual friends so he won't feel alone), but one of the other guys in the group has been my next door neighbor since I was 10 and used to be one of my best friends as a kid and will definitely be offended if I invite this other friend but not him.

My fiance really doesn't want him there. He thinks that he's secretly in love with me and has been since we were 10 and might be "that guy" to stand up and speak out at the wedding (There's honestly no way that would happen -- he's got a serious girlfriend, he's happy - it's fine). He is a rather needy friend though, and most of my fiance's experience with him has been me complaining about how needy and whiney he is, so I definitely understand why he doesn't want him there.
The problem is, I know he will be REALLY offended if I don't invite him - I think that he still thinks we're the best friends we were when we were little. I'm also inviting his parents since they are two of my parents best friends (and since my parents are paying, they can invite whoever they want!), so that will be a little awkward as well. We've also got a super tight guest list, so being able to cut him (and his girlfriend that he would probably want to bring) would help with that problem...

Help!! I really don't know what to do...

squirrly

If he's offended, how much will that bother you?  Will it impact your parents' friendship with his parents? 

Beachy730

DItto squirrly.

I think you need to take your FI's feelings into consideration, but also your parents.  Have your parents mentioned inviting him?  Since you said they are paying they get to invite who they want, what have they said about him?

Whatever you decide, if you invite him then his girlfriend gets invited too.  Your exact words were "he's got a serious girlfriend, he's happy."  You said yourself its serious, so you invite her. 

LAURENFOLEY

Thanks for all your help! Definitely brought up some good things to think about and talk over with my fiance. I'm going to have to get a better idea how uncomfortable it would make him for me to invite my neighbor -- I'd much rather have my neighbor hold a serious grudge than my fiance!

My parents are split too. They want me to invite him if I want him there, but have said that they understand if we decide not to and have even offered to talk to his parents about how much we had to cut the guest list down and try and keep that from becoming awkward and a problem.

The plus one is only an issue because we had decided only our engaged/married friends would get to bring their dates -- I've got over 100 people in my immediate family (not even counting the FI's family!) and the venue holds 200 max (and even that just barely), so trimming those guests off the list allows us to invite more of our friends than we can otherwise.

If this is the biggest problem I run into, I'm pretty lucky

Thanks again for your adivice and things to think about! Really appreciate it!

LD1970

I'd invite him and tell your FI to get over it.  I don't deal well with jealousy and would never marry a jealous guy.

If you're inviting the old friend, btw, you need to invite his girlfriend too.  They're in a relationship, he gets to bring a date.

LAURENFOLEY

It's definitely not a jealousy thing -- my fiance is totally fine with the fact that I have approximately 6 girlfriends and the rest are all guys. He just doesn't understand why I'm still friends with this particular guy when all I ever do is complain about him. He's even said on several occasions that he would never try and control who I'm friends with, but that he would rather me not talk about this particular friend with him because it only ends up with me upset or frustrated and him annoyed and wondering why I'm even friends with this guy to begin with.

Do you think it would be rude to talk to my other mutual friend (that I'm definitely inviting) about it? He knows us both really well and knows exactly what this guy is like and might be able to provide some insight, I'm just scared that word will make its way back and end up causing drama even if he does get an invite.

LAURENFOLEY

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invite-him-not-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:468a14ba-2b2c-456d-b908-4f1acc1b1e35Post:afe65ec8-ea99-4b49-a177-a7dd4c3ac766">Re: Invite him or not?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Invite him or not? : Hold the phone. DH and I were together for 6.5 years (and living together for most of that) before we got engaged. Are you saying that if you invited me at the 5-year-mark (hypothetically, of course), you wouldn't invite him because we weren't engaged or married? That's crappy.
Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]


Agreed. That would be really crappy of us. Luckily all of our friends who are in relationships we're either really good friends with both sides and would have invited them both even if they weren't dating, or else they've been together at most for a few months and wouldn't even consider it serious - and we've already talked to those people and confirmed they'd be okay without a guest invite. We are trying to keep a little bit of a buffer in the guest list just incase something does pop up and we feel the need to add one or two, but since we're all just out of college and there are going to be a ton of single people there, it should be okay :)

Sorry to offend! That "rule" works pretty perfectly for our guest list and we're making sure to talk to those few people who are in that gray area, but nothing like your situation applies!

LAURENFOLEY

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invite-him-not-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:468a14ba-2b2c-456d-b908-4f1acc1b1e35Post:8aa7daa3-ed1c-4349-a5ed-297ad16a0b2d">Re: Invite him or not?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Invite him or not? : If all you ever do is complain about him, then why are you even considering inviting him? 
Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE]


...history?
He used to be one of my best friends, so it's hard to let go even if I know that I probably should because we're at the point where I get very little from the friendship.

LAURENFOLEY

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invite-him-not-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:468a14ba-2b2c-456d-b908-4f1acc1b1e35Post:5ef27e98-7d8a-4165-9879-860965604209">Re: Invite him or not?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Invite him or not? : I get that you had history; history = past.  Of course, it's a personal decision on who you are inviting; for me, I am not inviting anyone who I am not currently close to.  I only want to people that are close to us to share in such a sentimental/important moment in our lives.  I'm certainly not inviting people that I complain about.  But that's just me.
Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE]

Definitely get that, it's just hard to admit that you've outgrown someone. Especially since I'm inviting other friends from the group in addition to his parents, I don't want to cause any unnecessary drama.