A Surprise Wedding Guest!

monettaylor

Dear all,

Our wedding day was wonderful, however there is one incidence that still irks me to this day...help!

The issue: my 40 yr old first cousin brought his girlfriend to my wedding and this was expected, we sent him a +1 invitation and her name was provided as the +1.  What was unexpected is that my cousin's girlfriend also brought her 10 yr old daughter to our wedding! This was not communicated to either of us ahead of time in their RSVP.

I'll never forget coming out of the church with my betrothed for our group wedding shot, and this unexpected girl, who I had never seen before in my life, comes to stand directly in front of my husband and I.  She wanted to make friends with my flower girl (who is the same age).  We had to re-position the photos slightly, but she actually squished her way to the front of a few of our photos! At the time, I was upset because 1) I had no idea who she was, and 2) couldn't deal with it because there were other things going on.

At the reception, my cousin asked my mom if it was ok if his girlfriend's daughter could stay for dinner.  My mom just dealt with it then and there (and did not want this aspect to ruin her or my day), spoke with the Maitre'd and asked if he please find a seat for this extra guest.  Admittedly, I did not notice this young girl for the rest of the evening.  However, the professional photos have just come in.  AND THIS GIRL is in a load of the photos!  

I'm am upset  that my cousin and his girlfriend were so rude to bring an extra uninvited guest to my wedding, particularly given the cost and amount of planning we put into the wedding.  But what really bothers me is that we also now have a load of photos of her to remind me of their etiquette blunder.  I'm not angry at this girl (she does/didn't know any better), but I am upset and annoyed with my cousin and his rude girlfriend.  

Question - would you say anything to them?  It's been 8 weeks since the wedding

And what would you say?

laurenclaire1386

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_surprise-wedding-guest-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:46be9868-b465-492a-ac30-38048235ca52Post:314fdbb9-c1a5-4694-8120-c7c7d75f448f">A Surprise Wedding Guest!</a>:
[QUOTE]Dear all, My wedding day was wonderful, however there is one incidence that still irks me to this day...help! The issue: my 40 yr old first cousin brought his girlfriend to my wedding and this was expected, we sent him a +1 invitation and her name was provided as the +1.  What was unexpected is that my cousin's girlfriend also brought her 10 yr old daughter to our wedding! This was not communicated to either of us ahead of time in their RSVP. I'll never forget coming out of the church with my betrothed for our group wedding shot, and this unexpected girl, who I had never seen before in my life, comes to stand directly in front of me and my husband!  She wanted to make friends with my flower girl (who is the same age)!  We had to re-position the photos slightly, but she actually squished her way to the front of a few of our photos! At the time, I was upset because 1) I had no idea who she was, and 2) couldn't deal with it because there were other things going on. At the reception, my cousin asked my mom if it was ok if his girlfriend's daughter could stay for dinner!  My mom just dealt with it then and there (and did not want this aspect to ruin her or my day), spoke with the Maitre'd and asked if he please find a seat for this extra guest.  Admittedly, I did not notice this young girl for the rest of the evening.  However, the professional photos have just come in.  AND THIS girl is in a load of the photos!   I'm so irked  that my cousin and his girlfriend could have been so rude to bring an extra uninvited guest to my wedding.  But what really bothers me is that I also now have a load of photos of her to remind me of their etiquette blunder.  I'm not angry at this girl (she does/didn't know any better), but I am upset and annoyed with my cousin and his rude girlfriend.   <strong>Question - would you say anything to them?  It's been 8 weeks since the wedding</strong>
Posted by monettaylor[/QUOTE]
No. In theory, no I wouldn't say anything to them. Yes, it was rude and it messed up your pictures. I'd be upset too. I get it. But I really don't think it would do anyone any good in the long run for you to say anything. Nothing can be done. They brought an unanounced, uninvited guest to your wedding and that was wrong. But it's over now and there's not a thing anyone can do about it and I just don't think it would make you, or them, feel any better.

Simply Fated

What your cousin's gf did was rude, but what happened, happened, so saying anything now might make you feel better for a minute, but since the pot is stirred, the good feeling won't last long. Let it go, why make drama where there is none?

I'd rather a cute little 10 year old girl who wants to make friends with your flower girl than a drunken 40 year old homeless man. I have no idea why this upsets you, sorry.

I'm not quite sure why the pictures have you so upset... What I mean is, was your cousin's gf in those photos, too? Or were they posed photos of your parents and little girl is randomly in there, too?

smokeybailey

Where is option   Administer a beat down?

monettaylor

Everyone, thank you for the comments.  It was therapeutic to just type out that initial message!

Wrkn925

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_surprise-wedding-guest-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:46be9868-b465-492a-ac30-38048235ca52Post:d968190b-f5df-494f-98c4-04d3460b6dfb">Re: A Surprise Wedding Guest!</a>:
[QUOTE]Everyone, thank you for the comments.  It was therapeutic to just type out that initial message! :)
Posted by monettaylor[/QUOTE]

That's why it's called a vent.  Glad you feel better.

ETA: opps, the post above yours was titled "vent", not this one.  I still consider it a vent, because you don't sound like you're stomping your feet and pointing fingers, just a tad irked.

Beachy730

I understand your frustration.  H's uncle's GF decided to add on her adult daughter who neither H or I have ever met.  Not only did she try adding her to my wedding, but also the my shower.  I was frustrated because neither of us had ever met her, and when we asked MIL and his grandma for a list of who should be invited nobody ever mentioned this girl to us.  But I sucked it up and said okay.  She no-showed to the shower, and we were told about 3 weeks before the wedding that she wasn't coming.  So she didn't attend either, but I know the frustration of people just thinking its okay to add someone uninvited.

Don't say anything though.  As PPs said, whats done is done and no need to cause drama from it.

Gismo123

no point in confronting them now but for future events I would make sure they give you an accurate number

2dBride

This amuses me.  We had a professional photographer only for our ceremony, not for our reception.  And about half of the ceremony guests (who are in all sorts of pictures) were not people we actually invited.

What happened was that just before the ceremony, the rabbi said that the staff at the synagogue had gotten so excited about our ceremony, they really wanted to attend if it was ok with us.  We thought it was lovely that they were so excited about it, and said it was fine.

However, I think the purpose of wedding photos is too often forgotten.  Photos are supposed to serve as a remembrance of what actually happened on your wedding day.  Too often, the reverse is true--whatever happened is carefully doctored so that it "looks good in pictures."

When we look at our wedding pictures decades from now, we still won't know the names of those people.  However, we will remember with fondness the strangers who were so excited about our wedding that they asked to be allowed to watch.

And I think the same goes for you.  Decades from now, are you really going to object to something that reminds you that a cute kid showed up, and wanted to play with the flower girl?

sister2groom

What percentage of your photos have your cousins in them? I assume it would jsut be a couple of group family shots because then you have immediate family and jus the parents, etc.

starrynight1658

At our wedding, DH's aunt and uncle showed up with their two grown children (who were not invited), their SO's, and their SO's EIGHT children, despite us calling aunt and uncle two weeks earlier to follow up on their RSVP and letting them know the invite was just for the two of them.  Needless to say, we had place cards, and they got the picture when they realized there was nowhere for them to sit. However, all of them left, and DH's aunt and uncle are still mad, even though no one ever confronted them.

Bottom line: it's done, it happened, let it go. It's totally fine to be peeved and/or frustrated, but you can't undo it, and any further dialogue about it is going to make you look petty and result in hurt feelings and family drama. I'm sure your pictures were beautiful, and your day was beautiful, so focus on that

kaederose

While I wouldn't rant or anything to them, if the next time you see them you notice your feelings are chilled and they ask you, I would address it.  You could say something like "I'm hurt because GF's daughter came to the wedding and caused me stress, shows up in pictures randomly and it came out of nowhere.  I would really have appreciated some advance notice it was planned for her to attend."  And see where it goes.  I'm assuming from your post and the way you said it that she actually shows up randomly in pictures, and a lot of them. 

But you should not say anything unless you're asked.  Try to move on, but if you are asked, you're allowed to be honest about your feelings.

lyndausvi

We also had a surprise guest, he (an adult) was the flavor of the month of DH's co-workers' daughter.   Yeah, figure that one out.  (the fact DH's co-worker's adult daughter was there was anouther issue, but we at least knew about her weeks ahead of time)

He is in a lot of pictures also and the co-worker could not even remember the guys name a month later. 

It was nothiing to get upset about (we had a few no-shows anyway)..  We actually laugh on how he was on the dance floor all night long dancing with the old women, it was pretty funny. I mean really, who wants to go to their new girlfriend's father's boss' wedding???

My sugguestion is to move on.   We have a photo guestbook from the wedding and while he did not sign the book, I found a great picture of him and wrote "WEDDING CRASHER" under his name..

marissa_claire

I don't even care much about photos, but I'd be upset to get my photos back and have a random little girl in a lot of them.  While there's not much you can do about it, I don't think it would hurt to say something to cousin so that GF can talk to her daughter about how to appropriately behave.  Either GF or her daughter didn't know boundaries, and I'd hate to think this will happen at future weddings they attend.  

jerseydevil

If it is a cousin I was close to, I would say something in private to my cousin - maybe his gf sprung that on him too. You don't have to be dramatic just because you say something. All you have to do is say something like how you were surprised to see her daughter at the wedding and see where the conversation goes. I would not go off on him about it or show that I am upset or angry - it's not worth being upset about what's done is done.

If it was a cousin I was not close to, I wouldn't bother, though.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

When they said, "Oh, uh, can she stay for dinner?" I think that means they knew it was rude and were apologetic about it. But really, what was your mom going to say? So it was also sort of manipulative on their part. But I agree with PPs - don't say anything.