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OCD vs. Bridezilla

I'm a very detail-oriented person, to the point of being OCD (self-diagnosed :-p).

I've only been engaged for 2 weeks, but I already have a lot of ideas, drawings, and specifics on how I'd like my wedding (all OK'ed by FI - he's the only one who have over-ride powers).

I know I'm going to be SUPER detail-oriented when it comes down to the wedding.  My MOH and Personal Attendant (day-of coordinator) both know this, and are both detail-oriented people I know I can count on.

My question - how do I toe the line between detail-oriented and bridezilla?!?   I'm very good at delegating, and telling people exactly what I want, but I don't micro-manage, I trust people to do it right.  I just don't know where I slip into bridezilla instead....

Any insights???

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Re: OCD vs. Bridezilla

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    ac_in_dcac_in_dc member
    First Comment
    edited February 2010
    Can you ask a trusted friend (like your MOH) to be honest with you if you start acting like bridezilla?

    If not, you can always ask us. We'll be honest with you.

    eta: Also, just keep in mind that your wedding is about bringing family and friends together, entertaining your guests, and making sure that folks are having a good time. As long as you keep the comfort of your guests as your top priority, and remember to honor and respect your parents and other family/close friends through the process, you'll be fine.
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    My only insight would be to remember all things your MOH does for you is voluntary on her part, do not expect for her to do anything, but appreciate her help, and make sure she knows you appreciate her help.  A MOH has zero mandatory jobs other then to be dressed and standing by your side the day of the wedding. 

     


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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ocd-vs-bridezilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:47db585e-69e9-4673-9f14-a92b9581f544Post:805d537b-7127-4c6f-b6b6-82efa059cee2">OCD vs. Bridezilla</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm a very detail-oriented person, to the point of being OCD (self-diagnosed :-p). I've only been engaged for 2 weeks, but I already have a lot of ideas, drawings, and specifics on how I'd like my wedding (all OK'ed by FI - he's the only one who have over-ride powers). I know I'm going to be SUPER detail-oriented when it comes down to the wedding.  My MOH and Personal Attendant (day-of coordinator) both know this, and are both detail-oriented people I know I can count on. My question - how do I toe the line between detail-oriented and bridezilla?!?   I'm very good at delegating, and telling people exactly what I want, but I don't micro-manage, I trust people to do it right.  I just don't know where I slip into bridezilla instead.... Any insights???
    Posted by rbtrumpet[/QUOTE]

    Don't expect anything of your bridal party.  They don't have to do anything for you except buy the dress, stand next to you, and smile the day of.  There is no delegating except to your FI.
    kd.joseph's wish is my command
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    Just call me "Brothel"
    And betrothed, I'm disgusted with most of the comments that you have posted. I don't think I've ever read such judgmental comments in my life. I'm so lucky that the girls I speak to on theknot are nothing like you...I would've never come on here for ADVICE if I would've encountered a big a bitch as you. I genuinely feel awful for your children or your future children, and I think it would be irresponsible of YOU not to invest in their future therapy sessions starting now. Because trust me when I tell you honey, they're gonna need it. ~jcaruncho2010
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    What do you expect your MOH to do for you?
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    When you freak out because something isn't perfect, you've hit bridezilla stage.

    But then again, I'd consider you bridezilla if you started to 'delegate people'
    image Married and Junk.
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    I would say that unless your paying someone (like your DOC) don't expect them to do anything.
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    BFP 8/01/12, EDD 04/10/12, mm/c @ 6wks, discovered at 8wks, D&C 9/05/12
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    Do you want to plan my wedding? I can't make myself care about details, I just want someone else to do all the work.  I just want to show up in a dress & smile for pictures. 
    image
    BabyFruit Ticker
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    I'm not doctor, but I have watched True Life: I have OCD, and having OCD involves lots of daily rituals and not being able to function without performing said rituals. You are probably more anal-retentive.
    image
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    Don't expect anyone to do anything for the wedding except your FI or someone you're paying.

    The difference between OCD and Bridezilla, IMO, is the bitch factor.  You can be detail oriented without being a bitch and you're okay.

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    NuggetBrainNuggetBrain member
    First Comment
    edited February 2010
    I agree with the "don't hold expectations for your bridal party" group.  All they really need to do is get a dress, show up and look happy.  If you're "delegating" to poeple like vendors or your DOC I think that's okay.  But really you shouldn't be delegating to anybody else.  Not to say you can't ask, ie "Mom, do you think you'll have time to pick up the chair covers on Thursday?"  But that's different than "Mom, you need to pick up the chair covers on Thursday".

    Also, be flexible on some things - I had a ton of ideas for my wedding right after we got engaged, and I'd say about 75% of those have fallen by the wayside due to cost, practicality, timeframes, etc.  It's when brides start freaking out because they can't get their way about everything even though it's over budget/not practical/too time consuming/etc that you're into Bridezilla territory.
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    If I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'd put shoes on the cat. image

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    From every woman I've ever talked to about her wedding day (paraphrased, of course) "It goes by so fast. Chances are, if there's a detail that didn't go your way, you probably won't notice it." I'd say you'd do well to go ahead and chill out. There will be things that won't be perfect. There might be things you have to "settle" for. Remember that your wedding is but one day out of your entire life. Your marriage will be much more important than any detail on the actual day.
    image
    Whatever you hatters be hattin. -Tay Prince
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    Yeah, along with what Zippity said, you should not claim to have a disease if you do not have it.  It's offensive to those people who do have it because it trivializes the disease.  OCD is not as simple as being picky about details.  It seriously affects the quality of life for those who do have it.
    kd.joseph's wish is my command
    image
    Just call me "Brothel"
    And betrothed, I'm disgusted with most of the comments that you have posted. I don't think I've ever read such judgmental comments in my life. I'm so lucky that the girls I speak to on theknot are nothing like you...I would've never come on here for ADVICE if I would've encountered a big a bitch as you. I genuinely feel awful for your children or your future children, and I think it would be irresponsible of YOU not to invest in their future therapy sessions starting now. Because trust me when I tell you honey, they're gonna need it. ~jcaruncho2010
    my read shelf:
    Betrothed 123's book recommendations, favorite quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)
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    Just don't go bitch and you'll be fine.  It's all right to want things to be a certain way, but always bearing in mind that what's MOST important is the fun factor as well as actually getting married.
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    haha - well, like I said, I trust my MOH - I've asked her to tell me if I turn into bridezilla, and she said she would (and I know she would!)

    I don't think I expect too much of people (show up, order your dresses on time) - the DOC has a bit more responsibility.

    my MOH has hosted big parties with me before (we cooked Thanksgiving dinner from scratch for 30 people 2 years ago!) - so she knows how I like to host a party, and we work well together. 


    I dont' think "delegating" is necessarily bad.  I mean, there needs to be someone watching over the guest book, I will need people to set up the reception site while I'm taking pictures (we can't get in early due to other stuff that morning), and just in general there are things that need to be done.  I will "delegate" to volunteers, but wouldn't force someone to help who doesn't want to.
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    Honestly, there is no need for anyone to watch the guest book.  No one will try to steal it (trust me), and since they're pretty much a staple at weddings, most people know what to do with them.  Don't banish one of your friends/family members to the hell of sitting in front of a guest book all night rather than partying it up.  It's just cruel.
    kd.joseph's wish is my command
    image
    Just call me "Brothel"
    And betrothed, I'm disgusted with most of the comments that you have posted. I don't think I've ever read such judgmental comments in my life. I'm so lucky that the girls I speak to on theknot are nothing like you...I would've never come on here for ADVICE if I would've encountered a big a bitch as you. I genuinely feel awful for your children or your future children, and I think it would be irresponsible of YOU not to invest in their future therapy sessions starting now. Because trust me when I tell you honey, they're gonna need it. ~jcaruncho2010
    my read shelf:
    Betrothed 123's book recommendations, favorite quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)
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    Okay, well.  My last bit of caution for you is--

    Dude, you need to calm down.  I get you're excited but don't make this your whole life.  I can almost hear you in a chipper, excitedly happy voice making all these grand plans.  It's VERY easy to think you're delegating to "volunteers" when in reality, you've forced them without you noticing because you come on SO strong. 

    I can't believ you have a venue and you've only been engaged two weeks.  INcredible.
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    haha - wow, fastest responses I've ever seen!!
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    If you want something done right... do it yourself. If you want something to just be done in some way, ask if anyone would like to help. Or wait for someone to offer help and then ask if they can do a small project.

    Just don't make unreasonable demands. Actually, don't demand anything. Count on planning the wedding youself and see other people's generosity as an added bonus.
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    WIth your wedding in DC in less than 6 months, youshould probably start to accept now that some of the plans you have just may not be able to happen. 
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    I am self-diagnosed OCD too and because of that I essentially stressed and did everything myself. I didn't expect the bridal party to do crazy things and the best way to not be a bridezilla is to communicate and set realistic expectations for others based on what you and they agree on. You'll care more about your wedding than anyone else, so don't expect people to stop, drop, and do whatever you need. Enjoy the process.
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    Bridezillas tell, usually with colorful words and foot stomping, people what to do.  "But it's my SPECIALLLL day!!1!" is usually thrown in too.

    Detail oriented brides ask others to help, and if there's no one available or willing, the detail gets dropped.  So far as the details don't get in the way of being a gracious hostess, they'll do what they want.

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    NuggetBrainNuggetBrain member
    First Comment
    edited February 2010
    Please don't make someone watch the guest book.  I never understood the point of that.  People aren't stupid, they know what to do with a guest book. 

    And your DOC should be doing things like setting up the reception site and stuff.  Unless she's just a friend and not an actual DOC vendor.  Also, a personal assistant isn't the same as a DOC.  If your DOC is just a friend, have her be a personal assistant and hire a professional DOC.  The last thing I want to do on my wedding day is end up having my friends and family doing things like setting up chairs and putting out centerpieces instead of enjoying themselves at the cocktail hour.  Even if you just get one for a few hours to set up the site, it will totally be worth it.  Also, because they've done weddings before, a skilled DOC will be able to work through the unexpecting things that happen during weddings, and can help you come up with a realistic timeline.
    image

    If I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'd put shoes on the cat. image

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ocd-vs-bridezilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:47db585e-69e9-4673-9f14-a92b9581f544Post:41ddd7aa-7cc6-42b2-859a-c9fdb9de6575">Re: OCD vs. Bridezilla</a>:
    [QUOTE]WIth your wedding in DC in less than 6 months, youshould probably start to accept now that some of the plans you have just may not be able to happen. 
    Posted by aMrsin09[/QUOTE]

    Ah, good point, AMrs. I just saw this. I planned a wedding in DC area in about that time frame and it was doable and turned out beautifully (IMO at least) but it required being very flexible b/c the most in-demand vendors were not necessarily available (although getting married in the hottest part of summer helped with availability).

    Good luck!
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    [QUOTE]Bridezillas tell, usually with colorful words and foot stomping, people what to do.  "But it's my SPECIALLLL day!!1!" is usually thrown in too. Detail oriented brides ask others to help, and if there's no one available or willing, the detail gets dropped.  So far as the details don't get in the way of being a gracious hostess, they'll do what they want.
    Posted by mocha beans[/QUOTE]

    Beautifully stated.
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    Your DOC should be handling all those things like setting up, cleaning up, details on the day of, and all that.  It's ok to delegate tasks to her, because she is a paid professional. 

    It's not ok to expect your WP or friends to handle those things.  They are your guests, and you are hosting them. 
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ocd-vs-bridezilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:47db585e-69e9-4673-9f14-a92b9581f544Post:60d4adde-0c9f-4b4c-ae39-33ef29da979b">Re: OCD vs. Bridezilla</a>:
    [QUOTE]Don't expect anyone to do anything for the wedding except your FI or someone you're paying. <strong>The difference between OCD and Bridezilla, IMO, is the bitch factor.  You can be detail oriented without being a bitch and you're okay.
    </strong>Posted by AlexiaANDRobert[/QUOTE]

    My thoughts exactly.
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    SarahSmile23SarahSmile23 member
    First Comment
    edited February 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ocd-vs-bridezilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:47db585e-69e9-4673-9f14-a92b9581f544Post:f3600cd3-d15d-4e99-b276-890688f2178b">Re: OCD vs. Bridezilla</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yeah, along with what Zippity said, you should not claim to have a disease if you do not have it.  It's offensive to those people who do have it because it trivializes the disease.  OCD is not as simple as being picky about details.  It seriously affects the quality of life for those who do have it.
    Posted by betrothed123[/QUOTE]
    Yeah. This is one of my pet peeves. Call yourself a controlling, anal bitch, but don't pretend to have a disease you don't have. That's just silly.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ocd-vs-bridezilla?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:47db585e-69e9-4673-9f14-a92b9581f544Post:4ca7b287-f9e3-497f-9bb1-952344123abe">Re: OCD vs. Bridezilla</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm not doctor, but I have watched True Life: I have OCD, and having OCD involves lots of daily rituals and not being able to function without performing said rituals. You are probably more anal-retentive.
    Posted by zippityb[/QUOTE]

    <div>and anal-retentive literally means you're a tight-ass. Or that your butt is good at holding things in... constipated?</div>
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    I think I'm on the same line as everyone else... don't expect anyone that isn't getting paid to do anything... I have taken the attitude that any and all specific details that I want, I will be responsible for myself... if you're wedding party is anything like mine, they really do want to help you but wait for them to volunteer for something they're comfortable with and, if possible, do it together... and don't ask anyone (besides people getting paid) to set up tables or watch your sign in book. I'm paying some college kids from my church that I trust to do that for me... another one of my friends used some active members in her alum soriority to do this work (she again paid for their services). Finally, trust in your fiance, bridal party and parents to tell you when you're being the b word.

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    Here's an example for you.

    Did I walk 30 minutes in the snow to get stamps that coordinated with our save-the-dates instead of using the liberty bell ones from across the street? Yes, aka detail oriented, but only affecting myself.

    Did I freak out when the ink from our return address stamps got on the front of each save-the-date, leaving a nice pink splotch in the middle of the calligraphy? No. I went "Well, f me," then laughed. Had I freaked out on FI or re-ordered the envelopes, that would have been going bonkers.

    Just have a good attitude. If you want to spend a ton of time and energy on the details, more power to you. But when something goes wrong (and it will), just roll with it. Nobody's going to notice except you.
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