NO Guest

polly212

My BF of 2 years (we live together) was invited to a wedding; it’s a good friend who I’ve never met b/c he lives in CA (where the wedding is – we’re in NY). This has been on the radar for months & we planed to attend; before I bought a ticket, I told BF to make sure I was invited – he assured me I was but looking back, I have no idea how he confirmed. We booked air/hotel. The invitations went out late, we hadn’t gotten one so the groom texted BF meal options, BF asked me & we placed our order 2+ weeks ago. The invitation arrived YESTERDAY (the wedding is in 10 days) & there is no “& Guest” on the envelope. I was obviously not invited. BF says “it’s no big deal”, they know I’m coming – I’m trying to explain that is not the same thing as being INVITED. I assume I have since been added since they got my meal selection, but I KNOW we breached etiquette & I feel like a jerk.

 

QUESTION:  What do we do….. email apologies that we JUST got the invitation & realize I wasn’t invited OR assume they are expecting me?

 

If it helps, we're all in our late 30s, BF is the only “un-married” guy so he’d be with all couples, travel cross-country, & pay for the hotel alone ($700 for the 2-nite minimum). I know lots of brides have the “no ring/no bring” policy, but if you’re expecting a guest to fly 3000 miles & spend $2000+ to attend your wedding, a live-in GF should be invited, right? had we known I wasn’t invited – he would have declined due to costs.

Summer2011Bride

A couple things. First it was rude of the couple to not invite you if they really didn't because you're in a relationship, and those in relationships have to get invited together.

How late did they send invitations? Was this a B-list situation or did they just not get invitations out in a timely manner? How did your B/F know he was invited to the wedding months ago? Was it a verbal invitation? Because of the course of events, I wonder if the groom off-handedly mentioned something about his wedding to your b/f, then finances or whatever changed and he was no longer planning on inviting you guys (still wrong on his part) until your b/f brought it up to him. The whole situation seems a little weird.

Regardless, if everything is booked for your trip anyway, you can always go with and not say anything and treat it as a vacation. I would probably though have your b/f confirm with them that, even though you aren't listed on the invitation, are you invited as well?

tmwishful

Ditto what Summer said.  If you got the invitation only 10 days prior to a wedding across the country, that isn't very considerate.  If I was your BF, I wouldn't go.

polly212

Thanks for you insight, ladies.

This was a 18+ month engagement; BF was told verbally / via facebook / directed to the wedding website long ago. he was also invited to the bachelor party but didn't fly out for it. the groom said invitations went late due to printing problems.

Like i said -- we've known about this for MONTHS, made our plans to attend, told the groom he/we were attending, the groom saw he booked a room & actually made fun of BF for getting a suite -- NOT the honeymoon suite ;-) -- so i was floored... & now am completely embarrased that i wasn't invited.

Stackeye210

They are in the wrong in this situation, so don't feel that you are the rude ones for assuming incorrectly.  Have your BF call his friend and confirm the invite for the two of you just for your piece of mind.  Say something along the lines of, "hey, I gave the meal selection for Betty and I, we just received the invite and noticed it was addressed to me only.  I just want to clarify that it is ok to bring her, I didn't realize it was a solo invite and we've already made travel arrangements". 

Sure, he kind of has to suck it up and downplay the situation a little but it will leave everyone feeling ok and make for less weird feelings hwen you arrive at the wedding.  Maybe it was just a case of they knew you were coming, didn't know your full name and just plain didn't think to put guest.  It's amazing how many people don't understand general etiquette.  I've learned more than I ever knew before from being around here, it's not all common knowledge if you weren't taught growing up. 

I wouldn't give it a second thought once things are clarified though. 

stantokm

Several years ago, my boyfriend at the time was sent an invitation to the wedding of his former roommate and my former roommate.  I was not close to either of them at that point, but I was APPALLED that neither my name nor a "plus 1" were included on the invitation.  We were an "off and on" couple that had been "on" for 1 1/2 years at that point.  I thought that they were being rude and hurtful on purpose.

My ex RSVP'd that he'd go--which also bothered me--but then the groom called him and wondered why he hadn't included me on the RSVP.  They either forgot to put my name or thought that it was implied or something.  Or maybe someone said something about how they had to invite SOs.  In any case, it could be that they didn't intend to leave you out.  Your fiance should still call and confirm, but I'm sure that it's fine if you go.

purplebear17

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_no-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:481825ef-3c21-42ef-90e4-67f94f649074Post:43dfdb18-a5bd-42c3-bc03-c7e461bdacd6">Re: NO Guest</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for you insight, ladies. This was a 18+ month engagement; BF was told verbally / via facebook / directed to the wedding website long ago. he was also invited to the bachelor party but didn't fly out for it. the groom said invitations went late due to printing problems. Like i said -- we've known about this for MONTHS, made our plans to attend, told the groom he/we were attending, the groom saw he booked a room & actually made fun of BF for getting a suite -- NOT the honeymoon suite ;-) -- so i was floored... & now am completely embarrased that i wasn't invited.
Posted by polly212[/QUOTE]

In this case, since the bride and groom have heard your name mentioned repeatedly and not told your BF that you are not invited, I would ask. Politely ask - not demand - politely ask to confirm if you are invited or not. My FI went to a weddiing without me where I wasn't on the invite, only to be asked where I was when he arrived. It was an oversight - they assumed that of course he would assume he could bring me. Some people don't know the rules about who is listed on the invite, and it seems like in this case it may have just been an oversight.

jessicabessica

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_no-guest?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:481825ef-3c21-42ef-90e4-67f94f649074Post:d6938f42-cc34-4b8a-9f4b-a84ea180bc01">Re: NO Guest</a>:
[QUOTE]They are in the wrong in this situation, so don't feel that you are the rude ones for assuming incorrectly.  Have your BF call his friend and confirm the invite for the two of you just for your piece of mind.  Say something along the lines of, "hey, I gave the meal selection for Betty and I, we just received the invite and noticed it was addressed to me only.  I just want to clarify that it is ok to bring her, I didn't realize it was a solo invite and we've already made travel arrangements".  Sure, he kind of has to suck it up and downplay the situation a little but it will leave everyone feeling ok and make for less weird feelings hwen you arrive at the wedding.  Maybe it was just a case of they knew you were coming, didn't know your full name and just plain didn't think to put guest.  It's amazing how many people don't understand general etiquette.  I've learned more than I ever knew before from being around here, it's not all common knowledge if you weren't taught growing up.  I wouldn't give it a second thought once things are clarified though. 
Posted by Stackeye210[/QUOTE]

I agree.  You've already made travel arrangements, and it would be pretty rude if they actually didn't invite you because of your relationship.  I feel like they probably thought it was implied you were invited since your BF responded with 2 meal choices and that went over fine, but I would just have your BFcall to say you just got the lovely invitation and wanted to confirm that you would both be there. 

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Some people just don't know how to address invitations. They might have addressed it to him, but assume you'd know you were invited, too. Or, since they had printing problems, they were in a rush and the address was just an oversight (like they didn't have your last name handy, and forgot to include you on the invitation because they wanted to mail them quickly).

Anyway, they were in the wrong if they didn't invite you, and clearly they haven't told him he CAN'T bring you, so they either realized their mistake, or they seriously just didn't notice the mistake. Don't worry about it.

ninamyspace

They probably just forgot to write you down, simple as that.

walgrrl

Yeah, I'm thinking they didn't leave you off on purpose.  I got an invitation to my friend's engagement party last summer that had only my name on the envelope.  At that point, I wasn't engaged yet, but had been with my boyfriend for 5 years and had been living with him for 3 years.  We hung out together as a couple with this couple many times.  I was really confused as to why he wasn't invited.  When I called to RSVP, they asked, "Well, is your boyfriend coming?"  I explained that I thought he wasn't invited and they said, "Oh of course he's invited!"  My point is, some people just don't know the proper way to address an envelope and it could all just be a misunderstanding.  Your BF should call his friend and find out.

polly212

Thanks all!! The BF called yesterday & they said, "of course she's invited!". Sort of what I expected but I hated making him call (he wasn't happy either). This is the 2nd time this has happened to us w/ the same outcome... i wish people would learn to address an invitation properly. If i'm not invited -- fine, i get it, weddings are expensive you can't include everyone, etc., just do your invitations right so nobody feels bad asking for clarification.

Thanks again!

silliegirlie143

I know it's not necessarily the *best* option with regards to ettiquite, but we addressed the invitations to the people that we knew (some of whom were in couples, but we don't know their SO), but made sure that our response cards indicated how many seats were reserved for them and let them fill in their own names.

"____ seat(s) have been reserved for you" and we filled in the blank based on how many people we were inviting with their invitation

This saved people from having to call to ask "is XX invited?"

I've always hated having to make that call...

Have fun at the wedding!!