Invitation for a couple when one's on hospice care

aravis121

We just received the sad news that my FI's uncle is being placed on hospice care with only palliative care from here on out. I'm sending out the invitations this week, and I have no idea how to address this one for his aunt and uncle, given that there's a very good chance he'll have passed by the time they receive the invitation in the mail. I also don't want them to be the only ones who don't receive their invitation when the others do (they're a close-knit family). 

I just don't want to cause any more heartache for his aunt. Any advice?

zantster

Hi.  All the best to you and your family during this difficult time.  I would keep his name on the invite since he's still alive out of respect for the fact that he is still her husband and not because you expect him to actually show up.  If things change before the envelope hits their mailbox I'm sure they will understand.  If you have any extra envelopes and hear some other news before you mail it but after you've addressed it you can always use a new envelope and readdress it with just your aunt's name. 

zantster

Or you can do like kwitherington mentioned and keep his name on regardless of what is going on befoe you mail it since your FIs aunt will be expecting her mail to have his name on it too for quite a while.

zantster

Oops, I meant before not befoe

JaxInBlue

Honestly, I can only think of two things.  One is to ask a relative who might be closer to the situation if they think receiving an invitation now would be welcome or would be an emotional burden.  (You might be able to ask FFIL or FMIL - whoever is the sibling related to this aunt and uncle.)  I can see arguments for inviting now, and being comforted knowing both were wanted at your celebration.  I can also see not wanting to reinforce that Uncle might not make it to that point.

The other thing I can think of would be to hold off on sending invitations for a little longer.  If your date is correct, you are just at the 8 week mark for sending invitations.  You could, following the convention that one mails invitations 6-8 weeks before, give things a little more time.  This might mean a more narrow response window for your guests, and may not completely resolve your dilemma.

Best to you and your family.

SKPM

I agree with PP that you should include him if he's alive when invitations go out, but not if he has died. Also, I work in hospice, and a patient just has to have a prognosis of 6 months or less to qualify. A lot of patients come onto hospice really late and die soon after, but just being on hospice doesn't necessarily mean he won't be alive next week.

ceceibson

As someone who had a spouse at hospice, here's my opinion.

Your aunt and uncle most likely want to be treated just as they always have been. So, if you would have invited them to your wedding before uncle went to hospice, invite them now [assuming he is still living when the invitations go out].

If your uncle dies prior to mailing, address the invitation to your aunt only.  

If you're worried your uncle may die between when the inviation is mailed and when it is likely to arrive, address it to both of them.  Your aunt will understand.

For several months after my late husband died, I occassionally received mail addressed to both of us.  I didn't think anything of it, other than that I should perhaps have made sure the sender knew DH had died [that I - not the sender - made the mistake].

harr0610

As someone with two couples in this situation on my guest list (my stepmother and her husband, and my grandparents) I addressed it to both of them. While obviously the partner in hospice won't be able to come, I felt as though they 100% were still invited and just felt a lot better about including both names on the invitation.

kmmssg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invitation-for-a-couple-when-ones-on-hospice-care?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:48e3ad06-e8e3-4c45-bfd2-671db56ded54Post:45a59934-4590-49ae-9a5c-421feabd0480">Re: Invitation for a couple when one's on hospice care</a>:
[QUOTE]As someone who had a spouse at hospice, here's my opinion. Your aunt and uncle most likely want to be treated just as they always have been. So, if you would have invited them to your wedding before uncle went to hospice, invite them now [assuming he is still living when the invitations go out]. If your uncle dies prior to mailing, address the invitation to your aunt only.   If you're worried your uncle may die between when the inviation is mailed and when it is likely to arrive, address it to both of them.  Your aunt will understand. For several months after my late husband died, I occassionally received mail addressed to both of us.  I didn't think anything of it, other than that I should perhaps have made sure the sender knew DH had died [that I - not the sender - made the mistake].
Posted by ceceibson[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This exactly.  Don't treat someone differently because they are dying.  Follow this poster's advice and you will be fine.

</div>

arendiva

I would definately keep his name on the invite. Even if he is in hospice that doesn't mean he won't be alive for your wedding (though he may be to unwell to attend). My FI grandma who is 93 and has alheimerz keeps being put on hospice, but 1+ year later she is still alive.

libby2483

I was in the same situation when my uncle was in hospice care.  I invited both my aunt and uncle, but my uncle passed away before the wedding.  His funeral actually ended up being the day after the wedding, and since my aunt's sister was in town for the funeral, she attended the wedding with my aunt.  I would recommend being open to your aunt bringing a different guest IF she asks, as I know my aunt really appreciated having someone to go to the wedding with.  

tmwishful

I think his name should be on it, and sorry you have to work with such unfortunate timing.

Eliz77

I was pretty much in the same shoes as you when I sent out my invitations. My grandma was hospitalized with CHF and was not expected to ever go home. There was no way I was going to leave her off the invitation. I also had a Great Aunt that was in hospice care and I sent her an invitation as well. 

I think the best way to answer questions like this is to place yourself in the person's shoes. Wouldn't you want your SO to be acknowledged, especially when s/he is still alive? I think it would be more offensive to leave them off. JMHO!

KellyBrian2013

We had two couples who were aware that at least one spouse would be unable to attend due to medical care (my great-uncle who has a somewhat-sudden onset of alzheimer's & a close family from of DH who was in hospice with cancer). We addressed both invitations to the COUPLES.

My great aunt attended alone.
DH's family friend and her husband did not attend at all.

TaraKeeley

If he is still living when you do invites, include him. If he has already passed, don't. Like a PP said, it's painful to receive mail for a dead loved one. My mom and I dealt with this for a decade after my father died, even after we moved twice, and it never stopped hurting. If he's alive, though, invite him, and just be very understanding that it's likely he won't be able to come due to his illness.

Sorry for your situation :-\