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Etiquette

RSVPing, then canceling?

CA.GiraffeCA.Giraffe Whine Country member
Seventh Anniversary 100 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper
A friend of mine had a co-worker who is getting married on May 18. Invites went out three weeks ago (crazy early, it seems) and my friend RSVP'd yes right away, fully expecting to attend.

Last Friday, my friend found out her son has been invited to audition for a honor musical group. Auditions are in mid-April, and my friend won't know if her son is accepted until April 27ish. The performance is scheduled for...May 18. Logistically, it's impossible for my friend to do both. It's extremely likely her son will make the group - he's really good.

My friend asked me what she should do, and as a recent bride, I told her I'd want to know ASAP if there might be a conflict - just to know I'd need to follow up with her closer to the date and confirm her RSVP was still good. In my mind, letting the bride know by April 27th would still leave plenty of time to give the caterer a headcount, prepare a seating chart, or complete whatever other guest-name/number-dependent tasks existed. So, my friend went into work on Monday and explained the situation to the bride.

The bride flipped out - told my friend she PROMISED to attend, that her son would have LOTS of other performances, and it wasn't FAIR that she was possibly holding onto her seat until the 27th (helloooo, B list...). Ever since, the bride has refused to speak to my friend. They're both receptionists for a medical office and share a work area, so it's been...awkward. I thought I'd put it out there - is there something my friend could have done differently? She's now thinking about declining the wedding altogether, whether her son makes it into the honor group or not...but doesn't want to cause further drama at her work.
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Re: RSVPing, then canceling?

  • Nope. How dare that bride put her pretty pretty princess day above your friend's son!

    Your friend should change it to a decline RSVP. Wouldn't want to inconvenience her majesty.
  • This bride sounds like a Zilla. I think your friend did the right thing by informing her now. The bride obviously has a B list so I don't know why she made such a big deal. She's better off not attending even if her son isn't accepted.
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    I would definitely decline altogether. I feel like the bride's reaction speaks volumes about this friendship. 
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • I'd decline and send a nice gift. that's an insane reaction!!!!
  • your friend was nice enough to give her a heads up!  Most places will let you make adjustments to the final attendance a few days before the wedding.  Which in her case she will still have a good 3 weeks notice!  I would much prefer the heads up over she just not showing up and me having to still pay for her.  Ew--I would decline for sure after that tantrum! 
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I would decline just on principle.  That bride seems like a "b-tch".






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • CA.GiraffeCA.Giraffe Whine Country member
    Seventh Anniversary 100 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper

    The bride is very much a bridezilla...and it will certainly be a PPD. Not in the do-over sense, but from the standpoint of she and her FI each living with their parents, working part-time and going to school full-time, and not having ANY clue where they'll live after the wedding, because they can't afford to live together. Their wedding budget would pay for two years of housing in the area, but it's all about the DaY!!1!11!! with her.

    Another fun fact - the bride's only 5'1", and she relegated her MOH to the end of the line of 7 BMs because her MOH is 5'11" and she didn't want it to look "weird". You get the idea.

  • The whole point of RSVPing is that if you say yes to one invite, and something not mandatory comes up, you turn the second thing down! My mother would either have sent me with a friend, or told me i couldnt do it because she was busy Yes, the bride was rude for sending so early, and obviously for her reaction, but cancelling for this is also rude.
  • CA.GiraffeCA.Giraffe Whine Country member
    Seventh Anniversary 100 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    In Response to Re:RSVPing, then canceling?:
    [QUOTE]The whole point of RSVPing is that if you say yes to one invite, and something not mandatory comes up, you turn the second thing down! My mother would either have sent me with a friend, or told me i couldnt do it because she was busy Yes, the bride was rude for sending so early, and obviously for her reaction, but cancelling for this is also rude.
    Posted by STARMOON44[/QUOTE]

    I have to say I disagree. As a parent, I would put the unique opportunity for my child ahead of the wedding of a co-worker when I could give them nearly three months' notice that I might need to decline, and I could tell them for certain three weeks before the event. If that much notice didn't work for them, I would change my RSVP to a decline. It's not like she's declining the wedding to take her kid to a birthday party.
  • In Response to Re:RSVPing, then canceling?:
    [QUOTE]The whole point of RSVPing is that if you say yes to one invite, and something not mandatory comes up, you turn the second thing down! My mother would either have sent me with a friend, or told me i couldnt do it because she was busy Yes, the bride was rude for sending so early, and obviously for her reaction, but cancelling for this is also rude.
    Posted by STARMOON44[/QUOTE]

    But sending out invitations over three months early, and setting the RSVP date more than a month out (as she obviously did) isn't correct, because of situations just like this.

    You're making guests decide way too far in advance if they can come or not and are essentially putting their life on hold and making them gamble when they send in their RSVP card.
  • I think the bride overreacted. I mean, sure, it sucks a friend can no longer make it, but it shouldn't have to be a friendship ending situation.

    I mean, if I were in the bride's position I'd be super disappointed, but I'd still keep my fingers crossed that my friend's son nails his audition.

    The friend did say she was going to go to the wedding, first, but it's not like she is taking the kid to a party or something. It's a big audition and there won't be another one for this particular thing. If no one else can take him, then kid trumps wedding.
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  • Nothing in the OP said the reply date was set super early, just that she had sent hers in. And for a kid with some musical talent concerts aren't going to be a rare thing. I still think the bride was rude, but I'm surprised to see such wholehearted endorsement of essentially telling someone I said I'd go, but something better came up.
  • Eek. She sounds so crazy. I feel bad for your coworker.

  • In Response to Re:RSVPing, then canceling?:
    [QUOTE]Nothing in the OP said the reply date was set super early, just that she had sent hers in. And for a kid with some musical talent concerts aren't going to be a rare thing. I still think the bride was rude, but I'm surprised to see such wholehearted endorsement of essentially telling someone I said I'd go, but something better came up.
    Posted by STARMOON44[/QUOTE]

    Why would the bride be freaking out that her friend won't know until April 27 (over three weeks before the wedding) if the RSVP date wasn't until after then?
  • Because the bride is crazy! I think we all agree on that point at least :
  • I don't know exactly what was said when she explained the situation, but if I was her I would have told her about the problem and then said, "I understand if you need a for sure answer by the RSVP date (I'm assuming it would be before she would know), so if you just have to put me down as a no I understand, but if you would still be able to accomodate me if he doesn't make it, I would love to come". The only reason I would offer that is because maybe she does need her numbers sooner than that and is upset. And even if her RSVP date is rude, IMO it is also rude to expect someone to extend their date for you. I have this situation come up a lot with my FI (his work schedule is never for sure until a couple weeks before at the most) so this is how I handle it. I've never actually had someone choose for him to just not come though, Everyone has always said just to let them no as soon as we can, but I wouldn't be mad if they said that they couldn't wait.

    As far as her reaction to changing the RSVP, that is totally over the top. I would be dissappointed and I get the side that it's rude to cancel, and for a lot of things I would say that she should keep her original commitment, but I think a friend should understand an important event for her son is different than just something better coming along!
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  • CA.GiraffeCA.Giraffe Whine Country member
    Seventh Anniversary 100 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    The RSVP date is this Friday. Two and a half months before the wedding.
  • Completely ridiculous deadline, but I think the bride has made it abundantly clear she would prefer that your friend decline outright.
  • Yeah... she should probably just tell her that she's sorry that she won't know prior to the RSVP date, so she'll have to decline, but that she'll definitely be thinking about her on the day!

    ...Your friend would hate to be keeping a chair away from one of the B-listers...
  • Bride totally overeacted. If I were your friend I would just say I want to be there but this is also important for my son and since I won't know until very close to your wedding what our plans on why don't you mark me down as a no so if you have the space for someone else you may have wanted to invite (which is probably why she sent out invites out so early because there is a b list).
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    In Response to Re:RSVPing, then canceling?:
    [QUOTE]The RSVP date is this Friday. Two and a half months before the wedding.
    Posted by CA.Giraffe[/QUOTE]


    Ha.   I wish her luck.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • In Response to Re: RSVPing, then canceling?:
    [QUOTE]I'd decline and send a nice gift. that's an insane reaction!!!!
    Posted by TheBaysideBride[/QUOTE]
    I disagree. A gift is not necessary.


  • In Response to Re:RSVPing, then canceling?:
    [QUOTE]The RSVP date is this Friday. Two and a half months before the wedding.
    Posted by CA.Giraffe[/QUOTE]
    Whaaaat. B List city.

    Maybe that's why the bride is pissed? Because she could have written up more invitations for her second guest list.

    I might have missed this, but if your friend hasn't given a reason to the bride, she shouldn't. Either way, it's none of the bride's business why she can't make it.
    image
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited February 2013
    Ouch.  If your friend RSVPd yes, it's really not polite of her to change it to no, even though it's understandable why she would want to.

    So I understand why the bride got upset although I agree that she overreacted.  What a nasty situation to be in.
  • In Response to Re:RSVPing, then canceling?:[QUOTE]The RSVP date is this Friday. Two and a half months before the wedding. Posted by CA.Giraffe[/QUOTE]

    I'm getting married almost a month before that woman and my RSVP date is a month and a week after hers. Haha good luck to her on that one
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  • In Response to Re:RSVPing, then canceling?:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:RSVPing, then canceling?: I'm getting married almost a month before that woman and my RSVP date is a month and a week after hers. Haha good luck to her on that one
    Posted by allychase[/QUOTE]

    That's insane. My wedding is in just over 3 weeks and our RSVP date is tomorrow!
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  • peekaboo2011peekaboo2011 Washington, DC member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    In Response to Re: RSVPing, then canceling?:
    [QUOTE]I'd decline and send a nice gift. that's an insane reaction!!!!
    Posted by TheBaysideBride[/QUOTE]

    If she's going to send a gift, I'd send a rooster.
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  • As somebody who competed in music competitions when I was young, I can tell you they are intense, they are incredible opportunities, and they are RARE.  Growing up in GA we had one district competition a year and one state competition a year.  That's it.  On my instrument I usually competed with several hundred other people for a seat, and the top 12-16 people would make it.  My parents would have moved mountains to make sure I could attend that and to make sure they could hear it - it even helped get me scholarships to college.  So yeah.  Hearing her son play (or sing) and supporting him in this is vastly more important than a coworker's wedding.  Furthermore, if the bride had sent her invitations out in a reasonable time frame or if she had a reasonable RSVP date, the the friend could have addressed this issue with the bride before RSVPing one way or the other.  I have no sympathy whatsoever for that bride. 
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  • tell your friend to tell that B**CH bride HELL NO I WONT BE THERE!
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  • In Response to Re: RSVPing, then canceling?:
    [QUOTE]As somebody who competed in music competitions when I was young, I can tell you they are intense, they are incredible opportunities, and they are RARE.  Growing up in GA we had one district competition a year and one state competition a year.  That's it.  On my instrument I usually competed with several hundred other people for a seat, and the top 12-16 people would make it.  My parents would have moved mountains to make sure I could attend that and to make sure they could hear it - it even helped get me scholarships to college.  So yeah.  Hearing her son play (or sing) and supporting him in this is vastly more important than a coworker's wedding.  Furthermore, if the bride had sent her invitations out in a reasonable time frame or if she had a reasonable RSVP date, the the friend could have addressed this issue with the bride before RSVPing one way or the other.  I have no sympathy whatsoever for that bride. 
    Posted by hoffse[/QUOTE]




    This.
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