Etiquette edicts

squirrly

If you could set an etiquette rule (or two) in stone and ensure NO ONE would ever break it again, what would it be? 

1 - I'd prevent all the beebees who think they are SO unique in marrying into the military from having early weddings to collect extra pay to afford said wedding.  And, I'd want lightening to strike them down if they tried to LIE about such things.  Be an adult.  Save your money, have the wedding you can afford, when the time is right and your budget matches your savings account. 

2 - I'd outlaw receiving lines.  I hate them.  They're horrendous.  I don't want to talk to your new H's extended family.  I don't know them.  I know YOU.  If I want to talk to your parents, I'll find them.  If I don't know what they look like, I really don't have much to say to them.  AND, I don't want to stand behind 120 other people to talk to you.  Please just visit my table, or chat with me at the bar, or on the dance floor. 

pumpkinpumpkin

I'd abolish tiered invites and a/b lists. They're never acceptable. Ever.

mwhitson14

I'd have to say anything to do with attire, dictating it, mentioning it on the websites, whatever. I know sometimes we say, oh let them know if it's black tie, but I think for a true black tie wedding, the time of day, venue, invite, if they're the norm in your circle, etc. will let guests know it's black tie. Otherwise, I don't get the wanting to dictate what your guests wear. There are tons of other things to be concerned about.

pumpkinpumpkin

I personally like to know if there's a dress code. We went to an evening wedding once, at a small club house (not one you'd think has a dress code) in a small town, it was rather casual, the invites were casual, etc. Mark wore really really nice jeans (dark wash) with a nice dress shirt. Turns out they had a no jeans policy. He wasn't the only one who showed up that way.

Nebb

Jack and jill/stag and doe fundraisers should not exist or be considered acceptable. I absolutely HATE them. If you cant afford your own wedding, pare down or elope. Its no ones fault but your own if you cant budget properly and then stick to it.

mwhitson14

Oops yeah, I think that a venue dress code would be different. I just mean trying to force a certain dress code on people.

shellydiane820

registry inserts. I hate them, and I don't know why.  They are so common around here.  When I open an invite and there's a registry insert, I don't want to buy them a registry gift.  I feel the need to buy some engraved frame or something.

baystateapple

Ditto outlawing tiered receptions.  Incredibly awkward and tacky, and completely inexcuseable.

opalsky007

Yeah, I'd say no tiered anything: no tiered invites, no tiered gift baskets, no tiered open/cash bars, no tiers of friends ("I'm full up on bridesmaids right now, but you can serve punch!").

Tiers are only acceptable on wedding cakes.

iamjoesgurl

I would outlaw the bouquet and garter tosses.  Most people don't bother anymore, but I'm very thankful to be married now so that I don't have to be one of those poor single women standing there trying to catch the bouquet so that I can be embarrassed later.

jennylove810

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-edicts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4947e1b4-f75c-4ad1-b088-3a0d55621b36Post:f07599ee-29a4-431a-a2b0-4ab34a51f702">Re: Etiquette edicts</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah, I'd say no tiered anything: no tiered invites, no tiered gift baskets, no tiered open/cash bars, no tiers of friends ("I'm full up on bridesmaids right now, but you can serve punch!"). Tiers are only acceptable on wedding cakes.
Posted by opalsky007[/QUOTE]

This made me LOL

I'd ban rude guests who RSVP (or worse, just show up) with more people than were invited.  It's not fun for the couple to have to make that phone call.  It's not fun for the guests to have to receive that phone call.  Bad feelings all around.

ThePinkSuperhero

I'd ban couples going crazy over their budget.  All couples would be required to have the wedding they could afford for all the people they need/want to invite.

MyNameIsNot

I'd have to say cash bars, because I then end up in an embarrassing situation where I order a drink and don't have my wallet, and then have to run around and find someone I know to give me $5, all while the bartender is standing there waiting for money.  

btrflykate1230

I'd ban Jack and Jills, or other pre-wedding fundraisers. I just don't like them, at all.

SaraAndrew2010

No shaking down your guests for cash.  No dollar dance, no money tree, no money wishing well. 

kee80

People who demand to bring their children, even though they aren't invited.  If you can't bear to be parted from your little angel for one day, stay home!

squirrly

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-edicts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4947e1b4-f75c-4ad1-b088-3a0d55621b36Post:a19ca27b-edb2-4c41-9430-32f4c0605a02">Re: Etiquette edicts</a>:
[QUOTE]People who demand to bring their children, even though they aren't invited.  If you can't bear to be parted from your little angel for one day, stay home!
Posted by kee80[/QUOTE]

I'd be ok banning the DEMAND.  But asking because they want to be there but can't find a way to work out the logistics or are genuinely confused - it sucks to have to tell them no, but it is possible for them to ask politely.

mmenillo

Ban head tables. Why must people watch the bridesmaids and groomsmen eat? Why? Why? Why? It's like they're on display in a zoo.

pirategal03

I'd ban b-lists.  Invite me or don't, make a decision.  From my experience being b-listed these suck, and can seriously backfire.

I'd also ban anything "required" for the WP other than the rehersal and the wedding.  They're your friends and family, not your slaves.  You've asked them to stand next to you as you get married, nothing more.  I actually had a bride say to me once at a shower "bridesmaid, fetch!" regarding whatever gift she wanted to open next. Not cool.

Actually I'd ban another one.  Choosing extra wedding party members just to have even sides.  This sucks too (same wedding as the "bridesmaid fetch" above)

ohwhynot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-edicts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4947e1b4-f75c-4ad1-b088-3a0d55621b36Post:0a243c04-4ed7-4d47-9857-4bd9390825a2">Re: Etiquette edicts</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Etiquette edicts : I'd be ok banning the DEMAND.  But asking because they want to be there but can't find a way to work out the logistics or are genuinely confused - it sucks to have to tell them no, but it is possible for them to ask politely.
Posted by squirrly[/QUOTE]

I have to disagree.  The rules are pretty clear that the people who are named on the invitation are the only ones invited - i suspect some people may feign confusion so that they can apply some pressure on the b&g (however subtle).  If you can't work out the logistics, I think the proper thing to do is to decline with regrets, not ask the b&g to make an exception.  That just causes headaches for them - because inevitably there will be folks who did NOT call to plead their case and resentment sets in. 

ohwhynot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-edicts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4947e1b4-f75c-4ad1-b088-3a0d55621b36Post:7daf7241-06c7-4978-94c0-0d26de69838f">Re: Etiquette edicts</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd ban b-lists.  Invite me or don't, make a decision.  From my experience being b-listed these suck, and can seriously backfire. I'd also ban anything "required" for the WP other than the rehersal and the wedding.  They're your friends and family, not your slaves.  You've asked them to stand next to you as you get married, nothing more. <strong> I actually had a bride say to me once at a shower "bridesmaid, fetch!" </strong>regarding whatever gift she wanted to open next. Not cool. Actually I'd ban another one.  Choosing extra wedding party members just to have even sides.  This sucks too (same wedding as the "bridesmaid fetch" above)
Posted by pirategal03[/QUOTE]

If she's going to treat you like a dog, I sincerely hope you lifted your leg and peed on her. 

JessAndTrav

If I could make something always happen? There'd always be adequate seating for guests. I've been to more than one wedding where there wasn't, and guess who got to stand in heels for two hours.

andyandhillary

I'd ban huge wedding parties.  I know that's not really an etiquette rule but the whole 9 bridesmaid/groomsmen thing that I've been seing the past few years is ridiculous.

pirategal03

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-edicts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4947e1b4-f75c-4ad1-b088-3a0d55621b36Post:e726d242-9746-43aa-8af9-d5a08693f2fb">Re: Etiquette edicts</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Etiquette edicts : If she's going to treat you like a dog, I sincerely hope you lifted your leg and peed on her. 
Posted by ohwhynot[/QUOTE]

It was tempting.  But as I'm female, I'd have rather just peed on her carpet.

We're not close friends.

squirrly

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-edicts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4947e1b4-f75c-4ad1-b088-3a0d55621b36Post:8c648e56-79a5-4784-a0d5-72fc0365fea4">Re: Etiquette edicts</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Etiquette edicts : I have to disagree.  The rules are pretty clear that the people who are named on the invitation are the only ones invited - i suspect some people may feign confusion so that they can apply some pressure on the b&g (however subtle).  If you can't work out the logistics, I think the proper thing to do is to decline with regrets, not ask the b&g to make an exception.  That just causes headaches for them - because inevitably there will be folks who did NOT call to plead their case and resentment sets in. 
Posted by ohwhynot[/QUOTE]

"Ohwhynot, we just received your wedding invitation and are SO excited for you all!  I noticed that Timmy isn't invited, though, and we don't have any family locally who can keep him to allow us to travel without him overnight.  Is there a children's room or babysitting available?"

I've now not asked to bring him to the wedding, but have asked about what to do with him.  Like I said - it's possible to ASK politely - this way, you have the opportunity to say any of these:

"Oh, no, we don't have anything arranged, but I can get names of some sitters who could come to the hotel."

"We have a playroom planned at the hotel with two teachers from FI's nephew's preschool.  References are available."

"I'm a dunce - I forgot to include Timmy's name - he's absolutely welcome at the wedding and reception."

If you're asking a potentially tough question, it's on you to ask the right way and provide an "out."  That's why I said I could support banning the DEMAND, but not the polite query.

ohwhynot

Ah, that makes sense Squirrlly.  But the difference, I think, is that in your example they are asking if the b&g have ideas so that the invited people can NOT bring their child to the wedding (i.e., sitters or a playroom), not asking if they CAN bring their child to the wedding.  When you said it was okay to "ask," I thought you meant it was okay to ask if they could bring the child despite the child not being on the invitation.  So yeah, you were right.  I misinterpreted your post.

BluValkyrie

I'm probably going to be the only person in the world who would say they'd outlaw table visits.

I HATE table visits; the reception is the time that's supposed ot be fun, for the new couple to spend celebrating.  I'm not spending four and a half hours of my five hour reception tracking down every single guest to thank them for coming (yes, I did the math, and that is giving every person two minutes).

I'm sorry squirrly, but for all the reasons why you hate receiving lines, I just can't not do one.  I'd rather spend 45 minutes doing a dead-pan recieving line than spend my entire reception stressed that I was missing someone.

mags0607

I would ban people from asking for money as a wedding gift, and from writing it down in any form or fashion, and I would ban honeymoon registires. If I want to get you a gift, I will. I do not, however, want to be dictated to give you money whether it be in check or honeymoon regitry form.

I would also ban cash bars. Either serve alcohol and pay for it, or don't serve it at all. i don't scoff at a dry wedding, but I do scoff at you when I have to find cash to buy a drink, or do without because I don't have any cash with me.

MiSpoonIs2Big

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-edicts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4947e1b4-f75c-4ad1-b088-3a0d55621b36Post:295b6ad8-002b-4f4d-bd41-1e487311809e">Re: Etiquette edicts</a>:
[QUOTE]Dollar dances  (and any other money grabbing ideas) Smash the cake in the face. 
Posted by skippylouwho[/QUOTE]

Dollar dances I agree, but some people really DO like the idea to smash the cake in the face. My FI and I have discussed this, and we are doing so. We're crazy people, and this just captures who we are!

That one kind of has to be a personal decision, just come to an agreement on it BEFORE the Big Day. It IS really mean to not be expecting it. If one says no, then NO, if both say yes, go for it!

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-edicts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4947e1b4-f75c-4ad1-b088-3a0d55621b36Post:0936c1e7-325c-4b5d-9843-f08bfff48b1a">Re: Etiquette edicts</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Etiquette edicts : Dollar dances I agree, but <strong>some people really DO like the idea to smash the cake in the face</strong>. My FI and I have discussed this, and we are doing so. We're crazy people, and this just captures who we are! That one kind of has to be a personal decision, just come to an agreement on it BEFORE the Big Day. It IS really mean to not be expecting it. If one says no, then NO, if both say yes, go for it!
Posted by MiSpoonIs2Big[/QUOTE]

<div>Some people like pole dancing at their reception too.  That doesn't make it any less klassy.</div>

luckyme502

I agree with squirrly that you can ask politely about bringing kids.  I called my cousin and asked after I received the STD for her wedding if my daughter would be invited or not, I told her I completely understand if she wasn't invited, I just needed to make plans. 

I would love to outlaw gaps!  I hate them!