Wedding Etiquette Forum

Thank you debacle (long)

A little bit of background: 
Two days after my wedding I ended up in the hospital. My gallbladder had suddenly ruptured (like a freak thing apparently, no gall stones or anything) and I collapsed. I was septic and very sick. I was in the ICU for a week, then on a med-surg unit for another week before being released. My wedding took place out of state from where I lived so I wasn't well enough to make the drive the almost 400 mile trip for another week. I then had to go right back to work once I got home. 
Within a week my aunt passed away suddenly. So we had to travel back to NJ for the funeral for a couple of days. Before going back home, we found out my mom had cancer. This prompted my new husband and I to up and move back to NJ. Now, we were able to find an apartment within a month of finding out this news. Unfortunately, I had to wait for 3 months before my NJ nursing license to be processed so I was sort of in limbo. I couldn't leave my job in Pittsburgh even though I had no place to live. I had to stay with a friend while I was working, then drive to NJ on my off days every week (about a 7 hour drive) while waiting for the licensure. 
Once I was able to finally officially move to NJ I started work the next day... then within a week I found out I was pregnant. Awesome. Except I ended up in the hospital on IV fluids with hyperemesis gravidarum. Then my mom was in and out of the hospital with her cancer. It was a very tough time for my whole family.

So while all this was going on I had the issue of writing out the Thank Yous for my wedding. Obviously life was insane and I just couldn't get them all done within a reasonable time.  This actually drove me crazy, like a dark cloud over my head. So we would do a little bit at a time and send out what we could. Everyone for the most part was very understanding considering the circumstances.  

Well a cousin of mine posted a nasty little comment on my Facebook wall about not receiving a thank you card. She basically said my husband and I were a-holes for finding it "too annoying" to send out thank-you notes for our wedding. My husband and her ended up getting into it over this. A couple of other people jumped in to tell her what she said was uncalled for. I was more pissed that she posted it on my Facebook so people can see it and look at me in a negative light.  Like I send, we've been sending them out, but they were later than I wanted them to be. At this point all of our thank yous are mailed with the exception of this cousins. My husband told her we'd send back her gift in the midst of their little tiff. 
So basically what I'm asking... how should I go about doing this? How do I word her thank you card? She didn't attend the wedding but she mailed us a Target gift card. I was thinking of something along the lines of:
"Dear Cousin,
Thank you so much for thinking of us on our wedding day. We really appreciate your generous gift but unfortunately we don't think it would be appropriate for us to accept it. Again, thank you for thinking of us.
Best wishes,
Mr + MrsCharlieRN"

Do you feel that is appropriate? I know I'll probably get flamed for this post but again, I had other priorities considering the circumstances and like I said, they are all sent out now except this one. I do feel bad that it took a couple of months to get them out and have apologized profusely to most of our wedding guests but I still felt it to be in poor taste for her to call me out, so to speak, about not receiving a note and to act the way she did. I pretty much feel like there's no other option than to send her gift back. I certainly don't want it and after the argument her and DH had, he's not budging. 

Re: Thank you debacle (long)

  • Wow.  That's some story.  First of all, I'm sorry for everything you went through.  Secondly, the best choice would have been to simply delete her nasty comment from your wall and, if you absolutely had to address it, send her a private message to apologize for the delay in getting the thank yous out.

    At this point, I honestly have no idea what you should do.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_thank-you-debacle-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:497b9699-d8b5-40ba-ae42-68a230d0989bPost:892638bb-1cbd-4a42-92d0-ec77f7da24bf">Re: Thank you debacle (long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Wow.  That's some story.  First of all, I'm sorry for everything you went through.  Secondly, the best choice would have been to simply delete her nasty comment from your wall and, if you absolutely had to address it, send her a private message to apologize for the delay in getting the thank yous out. At this point, I honestly have no idea what you should do.
    Posted by DramaGeek[/QUOTE]

    <div>I did send her a message apologizing for the delay explaining a little bit of the circumstances behind the delay and how I felt it was better late than never. Believe me, I felt it was completely unacceptable to send them as late as I did. But now there's just this bitter taste, especially because my husband and her got into it along with some other people on my friend's list. I felt the whole situation was ridiculously immature but now I feel like I'm sort of stuck. I really don't think there's any way around not sending the gift back and to be honest, the way she acted really upset me and I don't really want to have much to do with her at this point. I think she probably feels like a bit of a jerk for her comment at this point, but I still felt she was completely out of line.</div>
  • Honestly, I'd just send it back as you planned.  If you would feel uncomfortable to be beholden to her on any level, then just let it go. 

    If she feels terrible (and she should) then she can apologize and be the first to extend the hand. Otherwise, I'd just leave it.
  • ceceibsonceceibson member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary
    edited June 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_thank-you-debacle-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:497b9699-d8b5-40ba-ae42-68a230d0989bPost:222e19b5-bdd7-4491-aea4-ca788b2ed1af">Re: Thank you debacle (long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Honestly, I'd just send it back as you planned.  If you would feel uncomfortable to be beholden to her on any level, then just let it go.  If she feels terrible (and she should) then she can apologize and be the first to extend the hand. Otherwise, I'd just leave it.
    Posted by Snippylynn[/QUOTE]

    <div>I agree completely with this.</div><div>
    </div><div>OP, I"m so sorry for everything you went through.  It sounds like you and your new hubby supported each other well through a really difficult time.  Congratulations on the baby!</div>
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  • Your cousin sounds like a peach.  The FB post was definitely uncalled for - for all she knows, it could've gotten lost in the mail.  I would do exactly what you said (send it back & with the card). 
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  • I wouldn't send the gift card back. Just send a thank you card as you normally would, but add another apology for being so delayed and explain a bit about why (obviously I'm sure she knows, but reiterate). And then be done.

    What she did was uncalled for, but I think returning the gift card just stirs up more trouble here. Just send the TY and move on. If she can't move on, she's the idiot.

    I also agree with removing her comment from your FB wall -- and any further comments she makes. If she gets whiny about it, explain that you prefer dirty laundry be aired in private and that if she has an issue with you, she should be taking it up with you privately and you'd be happy to talk to her about it.
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  • I have to disagree with you Meegles. I wouldn't feel comfortable keeping the cousins gift. And honestly, at this point I doubt it would stir up any more trouble than what has already been stirred. 
  • Send it back, you don't need her negative energy.

    My question though, is in your post you mention that you were sending them out, so how late WAS hers?  Emily Post states you have 3 months.  With all of that going on, if you were even close to that, then she is just a nightmare (not that she has not already earned that distinction).  If she is a Republican, donate the card to the local campaign of a DEMOCRAT.  ;)

    Personally. I think she can just shut up and go away.
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  • edited June 2012
    In Response to Re:Thank you debacle long:Send it back, you don't need her negative energy.My question though, is in your post you mention that you were sending them out, so how late WAS hers? nbsp;Emily Post states you have 3 months. nbsp;With all of that going on, if you were even close to that, then she is just a nightmare not that she has not already earned that distinction. nbsp;If she is a Republican, donate the card to the local campaign of a DEMOCRAT. nbsp;;Personally. I think she can just shut up and go away. Posted by lauraanne9 Later than I'd like, that's for sure. At the time of her post it was about 9 or 10 months. Again, I feel terrible for the delay, like a dark cloud hanging over my head, but they are all sent now and I just saved her for last because I was unsure how to handle this one. I know it's poor taste to not send out thank you notes. I made it clear to most everyone that they were being worked on but due to craziness and taking care of mom they would be a bit delayed. I feel like when someone demands a thank you note though it's really damn rude. Especially when they act like a jerk about it. It's one thing to inquire about if a gift was received but to call someone ungrateful on Facebook so that their friends and family can see it... Just rubbed me the wrong way. Is the note I plan on writing appropriate? I'm trying to do it with as much tact as possible.
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