Are first look pictures rude?

Pt716

So, my fiance and I are planning on doing "first look" pictures before the ceremony. We really want to have a private moment with just the two of us, but my mother is really upset by it. She feels that it is disrespectful of our guests who are traveling to see that moment and that we might as well not even have a ceremony. My parents are paying for everything although I have offered to pay for the photos and they refused and were so offended they didn't speak to me for a few days.

Summer2011Bride

I think your mom is way overreacting. The wedding is about a whole lot more than just the B&G seeing each other for the first time. First looks are absolutely not rude and I'm not quite sure why she is offended.

Though when parents pay, we usually say they have a say in things, I think this is one thing that you and FI should get to decide as it's a personal decision.

LesPaul

I don't think they're rude, and I've seen some very good pics of the first look.  It's also fine to want a moment with your H before the ceremony - it's still going to be different when you walk down the aisle. 

NicoleSahara

Ha, that is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. No, first look pictures are not rude. If your parents are that concerned about sharing your "moment" tell them you'll give them some pictures of the moment for them to treasure. Or you could tell her you won't do it and then just do it anyway if you think you could get away with that.

aragx6

I'm with Nicole. I think that's straight stupid. To suggest the entire point of the ceremony is the first moment you see each other? Crazy sauce. What about, you know, the everlasting vows you make to one another?

Mrs.B6302007

They're not rude.  Your mom is probably looking at it from a more traditional/old school perspective since first looks are newer.

smartlypretty

I've heard a lot about how first look pictures a "bad luck", but to suggest they are rude is kind of bizzarre. Your guests are there to witness your vows, not to watch your groom check you out for the first time. 

andrea2473

It will still be a special moment when your FI sees you walk down the aisle, whether you have a first look or not.   Explain to her that seeing each other and sharing a moment beforehand will not take away from you walking toward him to say your vows.   I'm shocked that she cares this much.  Yes, if you pay then you get a say.   For the most part.  There are just a few personal things that only the B & G get to decide regardless of whom is paying and I believe that this is one of them.   Do what feels right for you.

Pt716

Ok, since they aren't actually rude I am going to hold out on this. I'm sure my mom will get over it eventually.

runpipparun

Huh, we're walking down the aisle together during the processional because my church requires it, so if that's rude, then... well... crap.

GypsySoul01

I would say at 90% of the weddings I have attended, every guest is looking at the back of the church, at the bride as she enters. Therefore, I'm thinking that they don't even see the groom's expression when he sees his bride. That's what photographers are for. Sounds to me like your mom is a little jealous that SHE won't get to see the look on your fiance's face. I would tell her it is a personal decision and that your guests will be just fine. She can have photos of the moment later.

eirwyn

The only people who will know you two saw each other before the ceremony are you, your FI, your WP, and your parents. Unless your mother blabs to everyone about how "rude" you are, how is anyone going to know?

First looks are becoming more common, so even if some other people knew, they might not care. I think it's really smart to get some of the pictures out of the way, and if seeing each other and sharing a private moment before the ceremony is more your style, go for it. My BF is super shy. I can't imagine how skittish he would be standing up there while everyone stares at him to gauge his reaction to my dress. If we get engaged, we'll definitely plan to do a first look, if anything just to calm some nerves and chill for a bit away from the circus before the ceremony starts.

aragx6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_are-first-look-pictures-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4a585310-8832-4db6-9543-885ae2aa957bPost:6c9436f9-8d59-4f92-a1d0-7b73c873288d">Re: Are first look pictures rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]Actually, not only do I think it's not rude, it means that you won't have to leave your guests after the ceremony to then go take pic's.  We actually got to go to our cocktail hour and visit with our guests rather than be away taking pic's.
Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE]

This is a really good point. You can actually argue a first look is <em>less</em> rude than the alternative.

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_are-first-look-pictures-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4a585310-8832-4db6-9543-885ae2aa957bPost:dccb1b3b-5869-4f62-9f55-9262657d27ee">Re: Are first look pictures rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]I would say at 90% of the weddings I have attended, every guest is looking at the back of the church, at the bride as she enters. Therefore, I'm thinking that they don't even see the groom's expression when he sees his bride. That's what photographers are for. Sounds to me like your mom is a little jealous that SHE won't get to see the look on your fiance's face. I would tell her it is a personal decision and that your guests will be just fine. She can have photos of the moment later.
Posted by GypsySoul01[/QUOTE]

I'm in the 10% that is looking at the groom.  His expression is always so adorable.

OP, your Mom is overreacting.  If you want to do a first look then do it.  I actually regret not doing one because it would have saved us a lot of time after the ceremony.

AdeleDazeem

This is coming from someone who really really dislikes first looks: they are absolutely not rude.  Your mother is overreacting, probably because she was looking forward to seeing that moment.

Meegles4

Ditto, Joy. We didn't do a first look because we wanted the whole "walking down the aisle" surprise thing. But they're not rude.

If your mom really won't budget, I've seen a couple brides do "first touch" photos. So, maybe the B&G stand on opposite side of a pillar, or around the corner of a wall from each other and hold hands. You don't "see" each other, but it's still a cute moment.

Another thing about first looks...if you want it to truly be a special moment just between the two of you, you should let the WP know to mind their business, or plan a private location to do it. I've been in weddings where the WP was totally peeking around the corner as the B&G shared the moment. (Then again, maybe this would be a good thing and would pacify your mom because she could still watch your special moment.) But, if you truly just want it to be you two, think about the where and how.

AdeleDazeem

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_are-first-look-pictures-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4a585310-8832-4db6-9543-885ae2aa957bPost:3858873e-0ce9-4978-aa34-757586a6a898">Re: Are first look pictures rude?</a>:
[QUOTE] Another thing about first looks...if you want it to truly be a special moment just between the two of you, you should let the WP know to mind their business, or plan a private location to do it. I've been in weddings where the WP was totally peeking around the corner as the B&G shared the moment. (Then again, maybe this would be a good thing and would pacify your mom because she could still watch your special moment.) But, if you truly just want it to be you two, think about the where and how.
Posted by Meegles4[/QUOTE]

I agree... and you shouldn't invite the photographer.  I really don't get how a photographer telling you where to stand and what do is a "private" moment.  If I wanted a private moment with my husband before the ceremony, I would've had one.  With just him.

KT020803

I agree with the others. THey are not rude. Let your mom chill out for a while and if she brings it up again let her know that the logisitics of the day seem like they will work out better if you do first look photos. Maybe even show her some articles from here and off the web on the benefits of doing it. I personally want that walk down the aisle and us seeing each other for the first time, but I was on the fence for a while because it can help with the day of timeline by  doing it before. Good Luck!

aragx6

I think you can have the photographer there without them telling you what to do.

jessicabessica

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_are-first-look-pictures-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4a585310-8832-4db6-9543-885ae2aa957bPost:eab8ce42-c9f8-41e2-84c0-e2b7578dbcf1">Re: Are first look pictures rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Are first look pictures rude? : I agree... and you shouldn't invite the photographer.  I really don't get how a photographer telling you where to stand and what do is a "private" moment.  If I wanted a private moment with my husband before the ceremony, I would've had one.  With just him.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

We were pretty comfortable with our photographer and her husband from meeting with them before the wedding, and they coordinated our "first look" in a quiet, beautiful spot at our venue (photographer led me there, her H led my H there).  Plus, we got some really nice, sweet photos. 

First look wasn't really a question for us.  We were doing a religious part of the ceremony together before I walked down the aisle, so that wouldn't have been the first time we saw each other, anyway.  We sat alone together for 10 minutes immediately after the ceremony and had some snacks (no photographer), and I am really glad we did that (we did it for religious custom, but I think it would have been really nice even if it hadn't been a tradition for us).

ETA: Can you get some examples from your photographer of couples that did a first look?  Maybe it would help your mom if you showed her how the first look pictures come out plus how nice the walking down the aisle photos still are.

AllAboutTheBenjamin

The hell?  Your mom is off her ass.  First look pictures are not rude.  Wtf.

chumlee7478

Your mom is overreacting. My mom hit the roof (and possibly the neighbor's roof) when I told her we were doing first looks. I heard every reason why we shouldn't do them, from it was rude to it was losing the meaning of seeing him at the end of the aisle to my marriage would be cursed.  I held out. First, I was paying for the photographer myself.  Second, my DH and I paid for more than half of the wedding, so my dad calmly told my mom to simmer down. 

My photographer knew we wanted first looks, but intentionally gave us no direction.  DH was waiting outside, and my coordinator called me downstairs for pictures.  I did ask my wedding party to not shout or whistle from the windows if they watched, but I didn't care if they watched the shoot.  We did our own thing, and our photographer shot everything we did, and it was very natural. Those are some of my favorite moments of the day. 

And tell your mom: you do get time at cocktail hour with your guests. We did our first looks, WP shots, the ceremony, family shots, more private shots and still got 20 minutes at cocktail hour with our guests.  It can be done!

AdeleDazeem

My only point is that a lot of people claim it's a private moment.  I don't think it's private when it's being viewing by someone else, even if they are on the other end of a camera.  If someone really wanted a private moment with their fiance before the wedding, then they would have one and not invite anyone else.

If you like the pictures it makes, then that's a perfectly valid reason!  But, don't tell me it's private.  It ain't.

Pt716

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_are-first-look-pictures-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4a585310-8832-4db6-9543-885ae2aa957bPost:eab8ce42-c9f8-41e2-84c0-e2b7578dbcf1">Re: Are first look pictures rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Are first look pictures rude? : I agree... and you shouldn't invite the photographer.  I really don't get how a photographer telling you where to stand and what do is a "private" moment.  If I wanted a private moment with my husband before the ceremony, I would've had one.  With just him.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>I know it isn't truly private since the photographer is there, but 1 person taking pictures feels more intimate to me than 100 people watching, especialy since I'm not super comfortable in large groups.</div>

Pt716

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_are-first-look-pictures-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4a585310-8832-4db6-9543-885ae2aa957bPost:3858873e-0ce9-4978-aa34-757586a6a898">Re: Are first look pictures rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ditto, Joy. We didn't do a first look because we wanted the whole "walking down the aisle" surprise thing. But they're not rude. If your mom really won't budget, I've seen a couple brides do "first touch" photos. So, maybe the B&G stand on opposite side of a pillar, or around the corner of a wall from each other and hold hands. You don't "see" each other, but it's still a cute moment. Another thing about first looks...if you want it to truly be a special moment just between the two of you, you should let the WP know to mind their business, or plan a private location to do it. I've been in weddings where the WP was totally peeking around the corner as the B&G shared the moment. (Then again, maybe this would be a good thing and would pacify your mom because she could still watch your special moment.) But, if you truly just want it to be you two, think about the where and how.
Posted by Meegles4[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>
</div><div>Thanks, I will keep this in mind when we talk to the photographer about where to take the pictures.

</div>

Girlie1030

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_are-first-look-pictures-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4a585310-8832-4db6-9543-885ae2aa957bPost:6c9436f9-8d59-4f92-a1d0-7b73c873288d">Re: Are first look pictures rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]Actually, not only do I think it's not rude, it means that you won't have to leave your guests after the ceremony to then go take pic's.  We actually got to go to our cocktail hour and visit with our guests rather than be away taking pic's.
Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE]

This exactly. 

My mom also freaked out over the first look thing though she was more worried about it being bad luck.  She got over it and I'm thrilled we did it.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_are-first-look-pictures-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4a585310-8832-4db6-9543-885ae2aa957bPost:aa4df04c-a765-48aa-8f39-619edeb378a4">Are first look pictures rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]So, my fiance and I are planning on doing "first look" pictures before the ceremony. We really want to have a private moment with just the two of us, but my mother is really upset by it. She feels that it is disrespectful of our guests who are traveling to see that moment and that we might as well not even have a ceremony. My parents are paying for everything although I have offered to pay for the photos and they refused and were so offended they didn't speak to me for a few days.
Posted by Pt716[/QUOTE]

Include your parents in the first look.  Your parents walk with you, his parents walk with him, etc
Have bridal party join after 1st look pictures

Summer2011Bride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_are-first-look-pictures-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4a585310-8832-4db6-9543-885ae2aa957bPost:a8bbf88f-53fc-4954-88fa-caaebabf8227">Re: Are first look pictures rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Are first look pictures rude? : Include your parents in the first look.  Your parents walk with you, his parents walk with him, etc Have bridal party join after 1st look pictures
Posted by IamTheMommaOfTheBride[/QUOTE]

I don't think that's a very good compromise. Then It wouldn't be the intimate moment OP was hoping for. Plus I think it would be awkward having both sets of parents sitting there staring at you as you and FI see each other for the first time and hug/kiss, etc. I understand the photog will still be there, but IMO that's different than having four people staring at you off to the side.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_are-first-look-pictures-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4a585310-8832-4db6-9543-885ae2aa957bPost:fd479f32-85d4-409a-930d-e05c6fd8fd6e">Re: Are first look pictures rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Are first look pictures rude? : An intimate moment with my FH that includes our parents?  Does.not.compute.
Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE]

lol   my bad
didn't realize sex was part of the pic
carry on

Girlie1030

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_are-first-look-pictures-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4a585310-8832-4db6-9543-885ae2aa957bPost:113aebcc-f1ff-496e-b7d7-5b7fbdc6a05b">Re: Are first look pictures rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Are first look pictures rude? : lol   my bad didn't realize sex was part of the pic carry on
Posted by IamTheMommaOfTheBride[/QUOTE]

WTH?  Intimate and/or kissing = sex in your mind? 

Summer2011Bride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_are-first-look-pictures-rude?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4a585310-8832-4db6-9543-885ae2aa957bPost:113aebcc-f1ff-496e-b7d7-5b7fbdc6a05b">Re: Are first look pictures rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Are first look pictures rude? : lol   my bad didn't realize sex was part of the pic carry on
Posted by IamTheMommaOfTheBride[/QUOTE]

Who mentioned sex?

I personally don't invite my parents to watch me hug or kiss my H on a regular basis. If you do, I guess that's where our lifestyles differ. It is not normal or common to have parents watch the first look.