Wedding Etiquette Forum

Feeling torn...

So, when we got our wedding photo's back, I was excited to get them, and didn't really think about what was there until recently when I started to make our album. Our photographers took wonderful photo's...however, they seemed to have had a preference for my husbands family. Besides the formals, I have only one photo of my mom, and nonef her sister and BIL, as well as her mom, my grandmother, who my photographer knew was important to me. I have 6 photo's of our first dance, 5 photo's of my dad and my's dance, one of which is the same photo in B/W, while there are 16 photo's of my husbands dance with his mom. There are only a handful of photo's of our guests, and all of them happen to be his dads family. However, there aren't any photo's of his mothers family - with the exception of a group shot, you wouldn't even know they were there - and they were the ones who helped decorate and everything! I have 20 photo's of our wedding cake, but none of our centerpieces or candids of my sisters. I'm a little hurt/frusterated and while I know I can't change the past, I was wondering if I should bring it up to our photographer or if I should let sleeping dogs lie. I'm thinking they may have some they thought didn't turn out so great and therefore didn't post online of people that we might be able to have acess to. My grandmother traveled overseas and has termminal cancer, and only seeing her in the one formal family shot has me a little peeved.

 

What do you think I should do? Did you guys have something similar happen?
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Re: Feeling torn...

  • I think it wouldn't make much of a difference if you brought it up now.  I could see how you would be upset though, we didn't have time to get family pictures inside the church, we had to go outside, and it was windy, so they aren't the best.

    There will be other family pictures, other special moments.  Just try to pick the ones you really like and try not to worry too much.
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  • edited December 2009
    thanks...I know I'm probably overeacting a little, but it's frusterating. We don't even have photo's of our groomsman at the reception (our best friend) - but a ton of his sister, who was a BM.
    Oh well. I know I have to get over it...but ugh...
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  • It's frustrating, not frusterating.

    That said, I would ask your photog nicely if there are any proofs missing because there aren't many pictures of certain things you'd like pictures of.  Ask to see everything.  If you already have and it's not there, frankly, I don't think there's much you can do.  Your photog doesn't have a clue who belongs to what family, and it's a little ridiculous to expect him to take the exact same number of pictures of everyone.  In that case, I'd just email family and friends to see if they took any pictures and use those. 
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  • Toot! You hang out over here now? 

    This place is friggin weird. 
  • edited December 2009
    Actually, our photographer did know who was part of the family - it was DH's SIL's, whom I've worked with before and whom we are very close to. That's why my husband thinks there was the obvious preference towards his family, but the fact of the matter is, she knew better than to do that.

    Thanks for the advice about how to talk to them, and  sorry for the typo ;-)

    ....also, I'm not toot.
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  • I think you could ask to make sure that he showed you all the pictures, no harm done in that.  If he doesn't have any additional shots, that does stink, but at least your loved ones were there in person to share the day with you.  It's nice to have pictures, but you'll still have the memory, right?

    Also, please, it's photos.  No apostrophe.
  • Kate, you're right. Thanks for making me feel better about the situation.
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  • Ask him about the other pictures.  If there are none, let him know what your expectations were.  Even if nothing can be done for you, perhaps you will help a future bride.
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  • Yeah, I mean, if they were DH's SILs that was kind of a risk you took.  Of course they're going to spend more time with their family at the wedding--even assuming you paid full price for them, I just think it'd be a natural tendency to photograph people they know and are comfortable with more.

    Since they're family, I wouldn't make a stink about it. 
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  • edited December 2009
    But that's the thing...they are also close to my family - that's why I say they knew better, because my family is hurt, as well as my MIL's family. They can't say they weren't comfortable with everybody, because they knew everyone there, with the exception of my grandmother and aunt. But that's beside the point now, because what's done is done.

    I don't want to make a 'stink' about it, family or not, because that would be rude and give the impression that I'm ungrateful, which I'm not. That's why I'm asking for advice on if I should even bother doing anything.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_feeling-torn?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4bb001bb-4c0a-458f-87a2-4ae0b31e6cdbPost:1dc5bf0f-8588-429c-b75e-9b5eea5083ad">Re: Feeling torn...</a>:
    [QUOTE]But that's the thing...they are also close to my family - that's why I say they knew better, because my family is hurt, as well as my MIL's family. They can't say they weren't comfortable with everybody, because they knew everyone there, with the exception of my grandmother and aunt. But that's beside the point now, because whats done is done.
    Posted by TheCatSaidQuack[/QUOTE]

    Well, they might know your family but they'd naturally be closer to their own family.

    Anyway, you're right, what's done is done.  Personally, I don't think it's worth jeopardizing the relationship to say something other than, "hey, do you have any more proofs?"
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  • Well frig, I can't keep track of which new SNs go with which old ones. Which one were you again?
  • I'm sorry you're disappointed with the pictures but there's really nothing you can do.  Except bring up the issue with your SIL, but if I were you I would think very carefully about possibly causing a family argument over something that can't be changed now.
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  • Cherished! 
    Aw, memories. 

    I hope your photo stuff works out and all that. 
  • I normally don't point stuff like this out, but you're gratuitous use of apostrophies where they don't belong is quite frusterating.  I mean frustrating.
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  • Sucrets - haha. Very funny.
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  • I saw ask her if she has any other pictures she didn't give you.  If she does, ask her to see them all.
  • My photographer posted "the best" photos from the wedding on the public website.  Our contract said that we would get all photos on DVD.  The DVD contained all of the images that he took that day - the best and "the rest."  Many of those labeled "the rest" were some of my favorites.

    Maybe in addition to asking to see any extra photos, you can solicit candids that friends and family took.  If SIL is a professional photographer and has editing equipment, perhaps you can ask her to edit/photoshop some of the friend and family shots for you, so that you have pictures of people she may have missed.

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  • I'm confused about how your photog would have known which family was which in order to have a preference for particular people? I daresay it's just coincidence. 
  • Also, did you give them a must-take list.  Maybe the pics with your family were with people's eyes closed or weird faces.  I would just ask for any extras that you haven't seen yet.  However, a must-take list is always a nice thing to have to avoid this problem.
  • edited December 2009
    We did give them a must take list, but it was pretty generalized, so I guess it was partially our fault. However, we did tell them we wanted the focus to be on cadids, which evey wedding they've shot (and I've photographed with them before) they do. They just didn't seem to do that this time, which is odd, because you think they would have wanted to do even more for family.

    I'll talk to her tomorrow and ask if there were any photo's that they have that we haven't seen, and if so, if she wouldn't mind letting us have acess to them regardless of their quality. Our package included a lo-res cd, which we haven't gotten yet, so maybe she can put them on there if they are willing to let us have them.
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  • Reason 345451229435667 not to use friends/family as vendors.  When something like this happens, you can't really contest it without causing drama.

    I'm sorry it happened that way, OP.  Ask for the extra shots and see if anyone at the wedding got any non-pro photos of the people you are missing
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  • edited December 2009
    Oh wait, I gather that my skimming resulted in missing the essential mention of your SIL being your photog. I get it now... and I'm unsure if it's worth doing much other than asking if she has any extra shots. 
  • You can't use family as vendors with the expectation they'll turn out like real vendors instead of family. That only goes badly.  
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