Wedding band issue

kerbohl

I need a bit of advice about my wedding band.  My FI picked out my engagement ring himself, but when he did he also picked out my wedding band with it.  I was really looking forward to doing wedding band shopping with him in the future, so that was a bit of a shock, but I also don't think the wedding band suits me and my lifestyle.  It looks wonderful with the engagement ring, but it has diamonds along the front (an eternity band, I guess), and I wanted a plain band with a design that I would feel comfortable wearing without being worried about stones. 
I was thinking of buying the wedding band that I would be more comfortable with, but I'm worried that this might upset him.  I've already talked to him about it, and I was getting that vibe.  Also, if I did go this route, what would I do about the band that he has already purchased (and did so in a way that it can't be returned without losing at least 20% of what he paid).  I really can't see myself being happy with the wedding band he has picked out . . . I would probably end up not wearing it when I'm getting dirty or doing sports, and that doesn't seem right. 
Thoughts?  Thanks in advance for the advice - I could really use it in this situation!

OwningAHome1981

If you are happy with him, why would a what a ring looks like matter? I dunno, just be happy about being able to marry the one you love. When he picked out your ring, he obv had you and only you on his mind- he had your happiness on his mind. I can see why he would be bothered about it.

I don't wear my ring when I'm getting dirty or playing sports and I love my ring. There's nothing wrong with taking it off sometimes when you are doing things like that- I don't even sleep with mine.

BTW the ring he picked out for you sounds really nice. Kudos to your fiance.

Sorry, I'm not on your side on this one.

peekaboo2011

I don't even wear cheap jewelry when I'm working out or getting dirty.  Mostly because it's usually in the way.  

It's not a bad thing to take it off for doing sports/getting dirty.  

stantokm

If you really don't like the ring, tell him.  You can't be afraid to be honest with the man you're marrying.  You might disappoint him or upset him, but what are you going to do later in your marriage when things like this come up?  What about when he surprises you with the most hideous piece of art that you've ever seen in your life?  Deal with it in your living room forever or tell the truth and get rid of it?

OliveOilsMom

Have you told FI the reason you want a different band?  Your FI probably thought he was getting a deal by buying the wedding band at the same time as the e-ring.  It is also very popular now to buy them in sets. 

First, do not buy a new band until FI is on board.  If he doesn't get on board, you should go with the wedding band he purchased.  I would suggest buying a good necklace that at anytime you need to you could put your wedding band and e-ring to wear around your neck, just in case.

kipnus

My rings were bought as a set, and the wedding band looked silly without the e-ring, so I had them soldered together. I bought myself a cheap, plain band to wear when traveling in certain places or in cases when I would be afraid of losing my diamond. Is this an option, to buy a second wedding band?

P.S. I honestly only wear my rings on weekends because I'm in the pool all the time and I don't want to wear my rings while swimming. NBD. We know we're married.

OliveOilsMom

I think this is all in how you approach your FI.  Did you tell him the reasons you would like a more simpler band?  He probably thought he was receiving a good deal and skipping a step in buying both the e-ring and wedding band.

I would not advise going out and buying a new wedding band until you get this solved with FI.  It could greatly hurt his feelings otherwise. 

Also, you may get used to the wedding band.  I have hardly ever worn jewelry until my e-ring.  The diamond sits up high off the band and it took a bit of getting used to.  But it's now something I barely think about most of the day.  I know it's height and how it sits on my hand, etc.

AdeleDazeem

Hmm... this is interesting.  I wouldn't dream of buying my husband's wedding band without his input and I find it suprising that he did so for you.  Wedding rings are personal.

Is it possible that maybe he needs a little more time to digest what you told him?  I can see being hurt that he thought he did this great thing for you and, once you told him that you weren't thrilled, he was taken aback.

Let it sink in a bit more and try the conversation again.  You have every right to have a ring that you love.  I wear my wedding and engagement rings 100% of the time.  It was important to me that we both picked rings we were happy with.

LeiselEB

I don't think there's harm in explaining that to him. It sounds like you're sad that you missed out on shopping for the bands together more so than you don't like the ring (at least that's what I'm gathering). That said, I have a band with diamonds all around it, and I haven't had a problem with it getting dirty or stones popping out or anything. I do take it off if I'm cooking and mixing something with my hands, but other than that it's really no different than a plain old band. Especially if you have a jeweler solder the band to the engagement ring. Either way, I think it's okay to let him know that you love the ring but that you had wanted to shop for it together.

Peledreamsofrain

Men usually respond better to logical points than emotional one. Not all, but most do. Lay it out like you did for us, minus anything that is a gut reaction to his buying the ring. Point out how your lifestyle could damage this one, lead to increased chances of getting lost while you take it off, etc. Let him know how thrilled you are about the rings, and stress your concern for their safety. He'll come arpund, he loves you :.

OwningAHome1981

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-band-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4daabbf1-6e1f-445e-acc9-e67666223e66Post:a298ce67-2ee7-44a2-b4c6-b4c948917c9e">Re: Wedding band issue</a>:
[QUOTE]If you really don't like the ring, tell him.  You can't be afraid to be honest with the man you're marrying.  You might disappoint him or upset him, but what are you going to do later in your marriage when things like this come up?  What about when he surprises you with the most hideous piece of art that you've ever seen in your life?  Deal with it in your living room forever or tell the truth and get rid of it?
Posted by stantokm[/QUOTE]

I see it differently- and respect your opinions, but in the scheme of things, it is a piece of art. I feel like I could deal with a hideous piece of art. I could also deal with a hideous ring, knowing that despite, I had an amazing man by my side. It's all about how you look at the situation, I guess. Neither is wrong... I'm just throwing out my perspective.

Kate61487

definitely agree with PPs that you shouldn't do anything without coming to a compromise together. 

I found this a little ironic reading it; my wedding band fits into my e-ring, and because of the shape of my e-ring any other band would look really stupid with it.  So when H told me that the matching band existed but he hadn't bought it b/c he wasn't sure if I'd like it I thought it was silly of him to have waited.  Clearly there's not a right answer for how the guy should do it, haha.

Would you continue to wear your e-ring, ever?  I assume if you don't want something with diamonds while you're getting dirty or playing sports then the e-ring would be coming off too.  Would it always stay off?  only come out on special occassions?  by worn 50% of the time? If you will at least occassionally wear it I think having the ring he bought soldered to your e-ring to wear together could be a good compromise - because sentimentally he knows you like it and willl wear it.  Then you can get a simpler band (or no band at all if you want) to wear when you're doing other things.

I also want to ditto OliveOilsMom - It took me a little time to get used to my e-ring; at first I bumped it into things and scratched H all the time, but now I wear it and my delicate little diamond wedding band all the time.  Literally - I NEVER take it off.  I shower in it, sleep in it cook and clean in it, garden in it.  I do take it off when I'm making meatloaf, but that's about it.  Diamonds are tough, it cleans up easily and it's insured so there's no reason to take it off, for me.

pesematology

Tell him how you feel and what you want. If you start concealing your feelings to spare his, the marriage may or may not last a long time but regardless of the length it'll sure feel like forecer.

stantokm

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-band-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4daabbf1-6e1f-445e-acc9-e67666223e66Post:6a5dc61a-a48f-490b-8f4a-907837e12cae">Re: Wedding band issue</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Wedding band issue : I see it differently- and respect your opinions, but in the scheme of things, it is a piece of art. I feel like I could deal with a hideous piece of art. I could also deal with a hideous ring, knowing that despite, I had an amazing man by my side. It's all about how you look at the situation, I guess. Neither is wrong... I'm just throwing out my perspective.
Posted by OwningAHome1981[/QUOTE]

I see your point, too.  I've been given things before that I loved because of the thought and sentiment behind it and not because of what it actually looked like.  My fiance gave me a necklace for Christmas that I never would have picked out for myself, but it's beautiful and I cherish it. 

That said, if I loved the sentiment behind something and still hated the actual thing (though the OP doesnt seem to hate the ring, just isn't pleased with it), I'd have to very tactfully say something--because I know that HE wants me to be happy with it first and foremost.

stantokm

Like PP said, make sure that both rings are insured.  Then it doesn't matter if a stone pops out.

ginadog

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-band-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4daabbf1-6e1f-445e-acc9-e67666223e66Post:5616249f-c8f0-43a0-8db6-3a67e0428e61">Wedding band issue</a>:
[QUOTE]I need a bit of advice about my wedding band.  My FI picked out my engagement ring himself, but when he did he also picked out my wedding band with it.  I was really looking forward to doing wedding band shopping with him in the future, so that was a bit of a shock, but I also don't think the wedding band suits me and my lifestyle.  It looks wonderful with the engagement ring, but it has diamonds along the front (an eternity band, I guess), and I wanted a plain band with a design that I would feel comfortable wearing without being worried about stones.  I was thinking of buying the wedding band that I would be more comfortable with, but I'm worried that this might upset him.  I've already talked to him about it, and I was getting that vibe.  Also, if I did go this route, what would I do about the band that he has already purchased (and did so in a way that it can't be returned without losing at least 20% of what he paid).  I really can't see myself being happy with the wedding band he has picked out . . . <strong>I would probably <u>end up not wearing </u>it when I'm getting dirty or doing sports, and that doesn't seem right.</strong>  Thoughts?  Thanks in advance for the advice - I could really use it in this situation!
Posted by kerbohl[/QUOTE]

You mentioned it's "not right" but could you learn to be OK with it? 

This is exactly what I do.  I don't wear it for gardening, washing dishes, showering, working out, hiking, backpacking, mountain biking, etc.  I don't wear it for active sports because my hands swell and I cannot get my ring off if I go hiking for example. 

It's a fairly wide band (at 6 mm) and it has 95 stones (a non-eternity band).  I only have one ring so not like I can revert to a differnet one.  Nor could I pair this one with another band as it's so wide already.

I did go a whole weekend without wearing it once (4 day backpacking trip), but I was with my H and I didn't feel the need to go get a simple band just so my finger won't feel naked for 4 days.  I could not justify the cost. 

So that is an option - just take it off for those dirty activities!  It feels good when you put it back on at least!

loca4pook

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-band-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4daabbf1-6e1f-445e-acc9-e67666223e66Post:bec5b98e-e4b2-4207-8948-4634cee29279">Re: Wedding band issue</a>:
[QUOTE]If you are happy with him, why would a what a ring looks like matter? I dunno, just be happy about being able to marry the one you love. When he picked out your ring, he obv had you and only you on his mind- he had your happiness on his mind. I can see why he would be bothered about it. I don't wear my ring when I'm getting dirty or playing sports and I love my ring. There's nothing wrong with taking it off sometimes when you are doing things like that- I don't even sleep with mine. BTW the ring he picked out for you sounds really nice. Kudos to your fiance. Sorry, I'm not on your side on this one.
Posted by OwningAHome1981[/QUOTE]


I hate when people say this. Somebody can love and adore their fiance, but not be a fan of the ring they purchases for them. It is NOT a reflection that they don't love and appreciate them......

beardo1111

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wedding-band-issue?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4daabbf1-6e1f-445e-acc9-e67666223e66Post:e09badd9-6958-4341-a34f-cdc497aa4cdb">Re: Wedding band issue</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Wedding band issue : I hate when people say this. Somebody can love and adore their fiance, but not be a fan of the ring they purchases for them. It is NOT a reflection that they don't love and appreciate them......
Posted by loca4pook[/QUOTE]

Agree with this for sure.  Ignore OwningaHome's awful advice.  Your issues with your ring are in no way indicative of how you feel about your fiancee. 

You sound like you have a pretty active lifestyle - how often do you plan on wearing your engagement ring?  If you don't think you're going to wear the engagement ring that often then I like the idea of having the band your fiancee picked out soldered to it so you can wear them together when you do wear them.  Then you can pick out a simpler band that you'd be more comfortable wearing on a day to day basis.  It would be an extra cost but if you really just want a simple, durable band then hopefully it wouldn't be significant.

Taking it on and off isn't a bad option either though.  I have a job (scrubbing into/out of the OR) where I can't wear any rings.  I always wear a necklace to work and just thread my engagement ring onto it when I need to.  I've been engaged about six months and I now  feel really naked without it, so I don't like leaving it at home, though I do when I run or play sports - in that case I don't wear any jewelry at all.

jessicabessica

Is there anyway you could wear a plain band and the set he got you?  Can you post a picture so we can see?  

I hear you on wanting a plain, low profile band.  I got a really slim platinum band from greenkarat.com that I never take off, and I wear my engagement ring, which has 3 stones, on most days.  We picked out all the rings together and needed plain rings for our ceremony, though, so I was in a slightly different position.

lauralaur

Honestly my rings come off when I get home from work, and I don't wear them when exercising, cleaning, showering, sleeping, etc., there are a number of different reasons why. H used to give me a really hard time about it because he's the (jokingly) "good husband" who loves his wife more because he wears his ring all the time. However, he is currently on ring #3 after losing two because he wore them in situations where they could get lost, whereas I left mine at home and wouldn't ya know it! still have them, so he can't really talk... Anyway the point is I wouldn't worry about all of those things because it's always possible to just take them off so that there's no risk.

FWIW I'm not crazy about my engagement ring (I had picked out a much simpler version of the ring ultimately purchased) but when I mentioned it to my H he was hurt because he was so proud of himself for picking something out that I really do get a lot of compliments on. It's sweet to see him so proud of what he picked out so I've just let it be.

emeejeeayen

Obviously you don't want to hurt each other's feelings but, in a lifetime together, you're going to. If you bought him a hideous wedding band without his go ahead do you think he'd wear it every day for the rest of his life? I think you should talk it out with him and try to get him on board (especially since there was money spent on the band you dislike), but ultimately this is going to be on your finger for a very long time, and I just don't think it's fair for you to have to look at a piece of jewelry you hate all day every day. Most importantly, don't give yourself things to slowly start resenting about your relationship.