XP Do I tell my friend that she's making a mistake?

littleowl0315

So I have a friend who is getting married next weekend; originally, the wedding was supposed to be next summer, but, on very short notice, they decided to get married this month (the reason being, they don't want to be celibate anymore and wait). FH is ex military, no job, not going to school, not doing much of ANYTHING. My friend is going to school, working and seems to think this is all a great idea. When she told me, I was less than enthusiastic. Now, today, she tells me that because she cannot afford a dress, even a sundress, she's going to be wearing white LEGGINGS and a TUNIC.
Maybe I'm just being a B**** but this all just sounds horrible. Every time I think about the fact that she's completely settling on her wedding, her attire, and really, let's be honest, her husband, my stomach turns. I have told her I think she's rushing - should I just be outright honest and tell her that I think her FH is a complete bum? Should I tell her exactly how much she's letting herself down?
Don't get me wrong, when she got engaged in the first place I thought it would be fine, they'd have some time to get to know eachother, but now it's all a rushed clusterf*** and I think she'll look back at her pictures and be embarrassed...

sklink0486

Wow, how many boards did you post this on??

littleowl0315

3. So you have no answer, just a snide remark?

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-friend-shes-making-mistake?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4dd174c0-3bb4-4775-b4a0-2e6ca148f222Post:d90eab5b-d7be-4a2a-9926-c4f839e6aba7">Re: Do I tell my friend that she's making a mistake?</a>:
[QUOTE]3. So you have no answer, just a snide remark?
Posted by littleowl0315[/QUOTE]

There's no need to get b!tchy.

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-friend-shes-making-mistake?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4dd174c0-3bb4-4775-b4a0-2e6ca148f222Post:a18e55d8-93b4-41cc-a6e6-c893d986c445">Do I tell my friend that she's making a mistake?</a>:
[QUOTE]So I have a friend who is getting married next weekend; originally, the wedding was supposed to be next summer, but, on very short notice, they decided to get married this month (the reason being, they don't want to be celibate anymore and wait). FH is ex military, no job, not going to school, not doing much of ANYTHING. My friend is going to school, working and seems to think this is all a great idea. When she told me, I was less than enthusiastic. Now, today, she tells me that because she cannot afford a dress, even a sundress, she's going to be wearing white LEGGINGS and a TUNIC. Maybe I'm just being a B**** but this all just sounds horrible. Every time I think about the fact that she's completely settling on her wedding, her attire, and really, let's be honest, her husband, my stomach turns. I have told her I think she's rushing - should I just be outright honest and tell her that I think her FH is a complete bum? Should I tell her exactly how much she's letting herself down? Don't get me wrong, when she got engaged in the first place I thought it would be fine, they'd have some time to get to know eachother, but now it's all a rushed clusterf*** and I think she'll look back at her pictures and be embarrassed...
Posted by littleowl0315[/QUOTE]

You don't tell her her wedding attire isn't good enough.  those are YOUR standards, not hers.

Does he beat her?  Is he a drunk?  Druggie? Child molester?  THOSE are reasons to say something but their reason for getting married to have sex, while definitely immature, is non of your business.

sklink0486

Well, for those of us who look on several boards, I was wondering which one I'm supposed to post on. And for future reference, lurk and find out which boards have high "traffic volumes" if you want your question answered by a lot of people or quickly, not several different boards. If you do post on multiple boards, put "XP" in front of the post.

littleowl0315

No, he may not be a child molester or a druggie, but he's unemployed and plays songs backwards to find the "Satanic message" hidden in the track. All day. I probably should have mentioned that... Sigh. There's just a lot to it, more than just that I think she's rushing. No one thinks unemployment is bad, at all, for the start of a marriage?
As for the attire - yeah, I get it, my standards - But I have NEVER met a woman who wants to get married in leggings. LEGGINGS. Maybe it makes me awful but I just cringe. Cringe. Cringe. Cringe.

littleowl0315

@sklink thank you for that information, I've never really forum-chatted or whatever, before, lol

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-friend-shes-making-mistake?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4dd174c0-3bb4-4775-b4a0-2e6ca148f222Post:9dfa5ab4-666c-4a93-bbb2-1ec5b5610dd0">Re: Do I tell my friend that she's making a mistake?</a>:
[QUOTE]No, he may not be a child molester or a druggie, but he's unemployed and plays songs backwards to find the "Satanic message" hidden in the track. All day. I probably should have mentioned that... Sigh. There's just a lot to it, more than just that I think she's rushing. No one thinks unemployment is bad, at all, for the start of a marriage? As for the attire - yeah, I get it, my standards - But I have NEVER met a woman who wants to get married in leggings. LEGGINGS. Maybe it makes me awful but I just cringe. Cringe. Cringe. Cringe.
Posted by littleowl0315[/QUOTE]

Serious isses aside, you're being extremely judgmental.  Who cares if she gets married in leggings?  I've known people to get married during labor at the hospital.

And yes, not having a job is a big deal but if this girl is going to rush into marriage to have sex, she's not going to listen to good advice.  This is a decision she's going to to make regardless of your feelings about their relationship.  It's good for you to be concerned about her but be extremely careful that you don't confuse concern and judgment.  Because you're so judgmental on here, I think you would have a hard time masking that if you spoke to her.

Snippylynn

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-friend-shes-making-mistake?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4dd174c0-3bb4-4775-b4a0-2e6ca148f222Post:9dfa5ab4-666c-4a93-bbb2-1ec5b5610dd0">Re: Do I tell my friend that she's making a mistake?</a>:
[QUOTE]No, he may not be a child molester or a druggie, but he's unemployed and plays songs backwards to find the "Satanic message" hidden in the track. All day. I probably should have mentioned that... Sigh. There's just a lot to it, more than just that I think she's rushing. No one thinks unemployment is bad, at all, for the start of a marriage? As for the attire - yeah, I get it, my standards - But I have NEVER met a woman who wants to get married in leggings. LEGGINGS. Maybe it makes me awful but I just cringe. Cringe. Cringe. Cringe.
Posted by littleowl0315[/QUOTE]

You sound so wonderful.  Glad she has you as a friend.

littleowl0315

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-friend-shes-making-mistake?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4dd174c0-3bb4-4775-b4a0-2e6ca148f222Post:22a3c803-9c48-4c30-9bcb-6899d62321a5">Re: Do I tell my friend that she's making a mistake?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Do I tell my friend that she's making a mistake? : Serious isses aside, you're being extremely judgmental.  Who cares if she gets married in leggings?  I've known people to get married during labor at the hospital. And yes, not having a job is a big deal but if this girl is going to rush into marriage to have sex, she's not going to listen to good advice.  This is a decision she's going to to make regardless of your feelings about their relationship.  It's good for you to be concerned about her but be extremely careful that you don't confuse concern and judgment.  Because you're so judgmental on here, I think you would have a hard time masking that if you spoke to her.
Posted by Mrs.B6302007[/QUOTE]


How else do I relay to people what I'm trying to get answered? I tried to be brief and give the facts without being too lengthy. I do have a hard time masking what I really think of what she's doing. As I said, I've told her I thought she was rushing, but I haven't been overly pushy or anything. I even threw her a last minute bachelorette party. I just care about my friend, and no lie, the closer it gets the harder it is to bite my tongue. She's also going to try to have a "real" wedding at the time they'd originally planned... does that even work? Don't people just think, "oh, they're already married so who cares?" ????

sarah0725

I agree with you that this whole thing sounds like a pretty terrible idea - getting married in order to have sex is not a good reason to do that. I knew a girl who did that, found out she was sexually incompatible with her husband, ended up having an affair, got separated from him, and then loudly started banging my brother back when he and I shared a house in college. Generally, I think abstinence is not worth making terrible life decisions, and everyone here sounds very immature.

But what do you think you can really accomplish by telling her that you think so? She's probably going to do it anyway, but she'll be mad at you, and your friendship might suffer. Then you won't be able to be there to help her pick up the pieces when it all falls apart. What do you want your role in all this to be?

Avion22

You tell her, "Janey, you know I love you and support you, but it just seems to me like you're rushing to have an early wedding for the wrong reasons.  You were so excited about the big wedding you were going to have next year, and I'd hate for you regret canceling that.  And I worry that starting your marriage while one of you is unemployed might put too much stress on your marriage right away.   I want you to do what YOU want, and I'll support you no matter what."

Then, when she decides that she's going to go ahead with the early wedding (which she probably will), support her and be there for her.  Keep in mind that A) you supported her marrying this guy next year, so theoretically you're okay with the guy, and there may be other reasons for having an earlier wedding that she's not telling you about (like maybe she really doesn't want a big wedding). 

NcsuPsych

Do you want to completely ruin your friendship? Because if you do, that's probably what's going to happen.

As someone else already said. . these are all of YOUR standards. Sometimes, people have to learn for themselves and sometimes it's a really hard process.

Do I think this sounds rushed and a not so good situation? Yes, but who am I to judge someone else's position when it comes to their life with someone else.

I think the best thing you could do, is be a true friend to this person. If she's getting married purely to have sex, I dont give it that long until issues arise (but I could be wrong). She'll need a friend by her side. A good, non-judgy true friend.

And as a side note: The job market SUCKS right now. Yes, it'd be better to have a job going into a marriage, but in MANY cases that's not exactly possible right now. 

tayylor65

I'd approach her abotu your concerns but don't phrase it that you think the marriage is a bad idea.  Just ask her if she's truly happy getting married right now and IF they weren't abstinent, would they still be tying the knot so soon and in the way they are?  Let her know that you support her either way and you love her but that you're worried she's making a rash call by marrying this man in such circumstances.  If she starts to get defensive remind her that you're her close friend to be there FOR her and if this is what she wants to do than you're on board for the wedding.  You don't have to remain mute though.

redheadfsu

You already told her you think she is rushing. There is nothing else you can do.

If you tell her you think he is a bum and she is settling (him & the wedding), then that will end the friendship. So smile and keep your mouth shut. Just be a good friend right now. If she ever realizes she can do better, then you can tell her what you think.

brilibby4

I understand it sucks to sit back and quietly watch a friend make life changing choices you don't agree with, but you sound like such a judgmental b itch right now.  It is not your place to choose who your friend marries.  Believe it or not, everyone in the world does not want to have the same wedding as you do.  Everyone does not have the same relationship priorities as you.  Maybe you would never get married to someone who is unemployed while wearing leggings but this is your friend's wedding, not yours.

SirJuliusVonHaast

I think it would be a nice gesture (if you can afford it) to buy her a lovely sun dress or something of her choosing. 

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-friend-shes-making-mistake?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4dd174c0-3bb4-4775-b4a0-2e6ca148f222Post:2bfc6754-bc70-44e9-9950-e4b21f01494c">Re: Do I tell my friend that she's making a mistake?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Do I tell my friend that she's making a mistake? :<strong> How else do I relay to people what I'm trying to get answered? </strong>I tried to be brief and give the facts without being too lengthy. I do have a hard time masking what I really think of what she's doing. As I said, I've told her I thought she was rushing, but I haven't been overly pushy or anything. I even threw her a last minute bachelorette party. I just care about my friend, and no lie, the closer it gets the harder it is to bite my tongue. She's also going to try to have a "real" wedding at the time they'd originally planned... does that even work? Don't people just think, "oh, they're already married so who cares?" ????
Posted by littleowl0315[/QUOTE]

What is it that you're not understanding? You <strong>did </strong>get answered. 

And it seems like you've already told her once how you feel so now you need to bite your tongue.  If SHE approaches you and asks for your opinion on what she's doing, that's a whole different thing, but you've said how you feel so that's all you can do.

Yes, a "real" wedding on her original date is pointless.  She gives up the pretty pretty princess day wedding when she chooses to get married early just to have sex.

lyndausvi

I get judging her FH... he sounds like a real winner and don't get me started on the sex thing.  But she is an adult and sometimes adults have to make their own mistakes.  Sure it sucks for us who see the train-wreck happening, but just like most train-wreck it's hard to stop it from happening.

You really need to get over her wedding attire.  Instead of judging her wedding attire on the knot, you should have gone down to Target and gotten her a GC to buy a dress with.

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-friend-shes-making-mistake?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4dd174c0-3bb4-4775-b4a0-2e6ca148f222Post:a18e55d8-93b4-41cc-a6e6-c893d986c445">XP Do I tell my friend that she's making a mistake?</a>:
[QUOTE]***<strong>and I think she'll look back at her pictures and be embarrassed...</strong>
Posted by littleowl0315[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Really??</div><div>
</div><div>I know plenty of people who eloped with the clothes on their back.  I'm fairly certain they are not embarrassed about their attire 42 years later.   </div>

sarah0725

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-friend-shes-making-mistake?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4dd174c0-3bb4-4775-b4a0-2e6ca148f222Post:ff794053-d37f-4cd8-ba3c-8200c3c51fff">Re: XP Do I tell my friend that she's making a mistake?</a>:
[QUOTE]Based on what you said, I'll be worried about her FI too. Was he deployed? It sounds like he's having issues and I think he needs help. Many veterans are struggling to find a job these days. If he received an honorable dishcharge, he can use his GI Bill and go to school though and the GI Bill will give him a certain amount of allowance every month (shoot, I was getting $1,200 a month) to pay for rent and other expenses. Anyway, all I can say is you should be supportive and be a good friend to her right now.If her FI has issues, both of them are going to need a strong support system.
Posted by Champagne Supernova[/QUOTE]

CS, this is a very good point, and I hadn't thought of that.

kat22885

As long as he's not abusive, the best thing you can do is just be there for her.  If you go and tell her how much you disapprove, you're going to be kising your friendship goodbye.  And if/when it falls apart, I can guarantee that she won't running back to you because you had such good insight.

mob2689

Excellent point Champagne! So man of our service men and women come back not quite the same, and we can only guess what he has seen and done and with the job market  the way it is and the maybeness of his military years it would make it extreamly hard to find a job and maybe you need to try to be as supportive and understanding as you can.

But, the idea to get married for the reasons the OP said is lame in my book, but that is just me, it seems like an important enough reason for her.
 
As for her attire, like pp suggusted get her a GC if it bothers you that much, but don't be upset if she doesn't get a dress with it. She may want to wear leggings,  there are cute ones out there.

At the end of the day, no matter what you say to her, she will do what she wants to do. Weather it's the "right" way or not. No one will be able to stop her but herself if she so chooses. You have said what you wanted to say to her already, so just be there for her for the happy and sad times if you realy value your freindship with her.

NOLAbridealmost

Don't say anything.  Assuming he's not abusive, the worst case scenario is they get a divorce. Maybe her second wedding's groom and dress will live up to your standards.  

mctlong

You clearly care for her and she's lucky to have a friend like you. This is her decision (if its a mistake - its her mistke to make). As her friend, she needs to know that you will support whatever decision she makes. I would recommend keeping your opinion to yourself on this one and just being there for her. If she asks your opinion, be honest (politely), but if she doesn't ask, keep your mouth shut.

What good would telling her she's making a mistake do? She's in love and will marry him regardless of what you think. If it turns out well, good for her. If the marriage doesn't last, she doesn't need an "I told you so." Respect her enough to support her choice.

crash2729

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-friend-shes-making-mistake?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4dd174c0-3bb4-4775-b4a0-2e6ca148f222Post:6a82b185-7eab-4190-85d9-dd2d03b11957">Re: XP Do I tell my friend that she's making a mistake?</a>:
[QUOTE]You clearly care for her and <strong>she's lucky to have a friend like you</strong>. This is her decision (if its a mistake - its her mistke to make). As her friend, she needs to know that you will support whatever decision she makes. I would recommend keeping your opinion to yourself on this one and just being there for her. If she asks your opinion, be honest (politely), but if she doesn't ask, keep your mouth shut. What good would telling her she's making a mistake do? She's in love and will marry him regardless of what you think. If it turns out well, good for her. If the marriage doesn't last, she doesn't need an "I told you so." Respect her enough to support her choice.
Posted by mctlong[/QUOTE]

I wouldn't consider myself lucky if my "friend" was talking about the "mistake" I'm making and running down what I'm going to wear at my wedding to a bunch of random people on a forum.

Don't confront her about FH, but if you really want her to have a nice sundress to wear at her wedding, offer to buy her one...

CassieeK

I think you should stay out of it from here.  You told her you thought she was rushing, and that didn't change her mind.  Why would any further advice?  I also like the suggestion pp made about buying her a cute dress if her outfit bothers you so much.

littleowl0315

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-friend-shes-making-mistake?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4dd174c0-3bb4-4775-b4a0-2e6ca148f222Post:b8cc2bf9-7767-48ec-95ad-80a7c6ebe693">Re: XP Do I tell my friend that she's making a mistake?</a>:
[QUOTE]I understand it sucks to sit back and quietly watch a friend make life changing choices you don't agree with, but you sound like such a judgmental b itch right now.  It is not your place to choose who your friend marries.  Believe it or not, everyone in the world does not want to have the same wedding as you do.  Everyone does not have the same relationship priorities as you.  Maybe you would never get married to someone who is unemployed while wearing leggings but this is your friend's wedding, not yours.
Posted by brilibby4[/QUOTE]

People. I have never said I think her wedding should be as *I* want it - but when she and I became friends, courthouse wedding in leggings didn't come up. She used to tell me all of the pretty ideas she had for her wedding, which weren't expensive or fancy, but were beautiful ideas all the same. I wonder why everyone is saying I'm being a judgmental b****, but all I'm asking for is help. I'm not here to bash anyone. My friend is simply letting herself down. It's as if she doesn't think she deserves better than what she's getting.
This is me just seeking help. I'm not trying to disparage her, and I don't know why everyone seems to be jumping alll over me about it. Not trying to be an ass, but a LOT of you sound like Bridezillas. Dang.

littleowl0315

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-friend-shes-making-mistake?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4dd174c0-3bb4-4775-b4a0-2e6ca148f222Post:3c978737-78b6-4a28-86a3-4715737665f3">Re: XP Do I tell my friend that she's making a mistake?</a>:
[QUOTE] Keep in mind that A) you supported her marrying this guy next year, so theoretically you're okay with the guy, and B) there may be other reasons for having an earlier wedding that she's not telling you about (like maybe she really doesn't want a big wedding). 
Posted by Avion22[/QUOTE]

Avion, thank you so much for not completely ripping my head off. You're right. I didn't care when it was a year away... I thought they'd have more time to get to know eachother. It's only been 9 months.

NcsuPsych

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-friend-shes-making-mistake?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4dd174c0-3bb4-4775-b4a0-2e6ca148f222Post:33a8c693-62a7-4e6e-9f2e-40e37f3a725e">Re: XP Do I tell my friend that she's making a mistake?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: XP Do I tell my friend that she's making a mistake? : People. I have never said I think her wedding should be as *I* want it - but when she and I became friends, courthouse wedding in leggings didn't come up. She used to tell me all of the pretty ideas she had for her wedding, which weren't expensive or fancy, but were beautiful ideas all the same. I wonder why everyone is saying I'm being a judgmental b****, but all I'm asking for is help.<strong> I'm not here to bash anyone.</strong> My friend is simply letting herself down. It's as if she doesn't think she deserves better than what she's getting. This is me just seeking help. I'm not trying to disparage her, and I don't know why everyone seems to be jumping alll over me about it. Not trying to be an ass,<strong> but a LOT of you sound like Bridezillas. Dang.</strong>
Posted by littleowl0315[/QUOTE]

You came to a wedding board forum and posted multiple threads about how you disapprove of your friends ideas for her wedding that she's moved up and changed plans to. You've also blatantly bashed her FI. You want to know how to validate your feelings on telling her she's wrong and that HER idea for HER wedding is wrong.

Sounds to me, that you're bashing her. I can see where maybe your intentions were good to begin with. However, people have to make their own choices. These choices aren't yours to make.

Also, calling ladies here bridezillas is also bashing them. You asked for their opinions. You got their opinions. That's how it works when you ask questions.