Wedding Etiquette Forum

XP Do I tell my friend that she's making a mistake?

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Re: XP Do I tell my friend that she's making a mistake?

  • Sometimes, people realize that the PPD that they had planned, didn't make sense financially. Sometimes , those people opt to focus on the important part, getting married to the man they love, unemployed or not. Sometimes, those people need support from their friends and family, not raging hormonal posts about how they are ruining their life because they aren't spending thousands of dollars on a party. 

    You need a new perspective. If you aren't interested in truly being her friend, then don't be. And chances are good that if you keep pushing this whole "your wedding and life sucks" thing, she's going to be smart and end it anyway. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-friend-shes-making-mistake?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4dd174c0-3bb4-4775-b4a0-2e6ca148f222Post:e198ba6a-f90d-47e8-b374-b1b99bb9a1cc">Re: XP Do I tell my friend that she's making a mistake?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: XP Do I tell my friend that she's making a mistake? : Avion, thank you so much for not completely ripping my head off. You're right. I didn't care when it was a year away... I thought they'd have more time to get to know eachother. It's only been 9 months.
    Posted by littleowl0315[/QUOTE]

    You say this like they didn't know each other to begin with. Was it an arranged marriage or something? I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have gotten engaged to DH if I didnt know him enough in the beginning.

    Yes, we got to know each other more during the engagement because we moved in together. However, I knew DH pretty darn well prior to the engagment.
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  • [QUOTE]In Response to Re: XP Do I tell my friend that she's making a mistake? : You came to a wedding board forum and posted multiple threads about how you disapprove of your friends ideas for her wedding that she's moved up and changed plans to. You've also blatantly bashed her FI. You want to know how to validate your feelings on telling her she's wrong and that HER idea for HER wedding is wrong. Sounds to me, that you're bashing her. I can see where maybe your intentions were good to begin with. However, people have to make their own choices. These choices aren't yours to make. Also, calling ladies here bridezillas is also bashing them. You asked for their opinions. You got their opinions. That's how it works when you ask questions.
    Posted by NcsuPsych[/QUOTE]

    All I'm trying to is give facts about why I think the way I do! What the heck is wrong with you people? I asked for opinions but I'm not the one who started calling names. I feel completely attacked when my intentions were simply for advice. Forget it.
    Thanks to those of you who gave good, sound information instead of just turning the finger around on me and telling me I'm wrong. I don't think good friends just let their friends make stupid decisions. Obviously I care about my friend; I threw her a bachelorette party and I probably WILL end up getting her her dress, AND flowers, AND shoes, and whatever else she needs, because no one else gives a sh** enough about her to do it. SHE has no money, and neither does anyone else in her family, thus it falls to me because I'M the only one who gives a crap about her, apparently.
    But just nevermind. Everyone is just calling me a terrible person and a bad friend. Maybe that's the truth to you, but I didn't come on here and take the time to register and crap, when I'm not even engaged, to just say mean things about her, whatever you guys think.
    Thanks anyways.
  • You're being ridiculous.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-friend-shes-making-mistake?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4dd174c0-3bb4-4775-b4a0-2e6ca148f222Post:33a8c693-62a7-4e6e-9f2e-40e37f3a725e">Re: XP Do I tell my friend that she's making a mistake?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: XP Do I tell my friend that she's making a mistake? : People. I have never said I think her wedding should be as *I* want it - but when she and I became friends, courthouse wedding in leggings didn't come up. She used to tell me all of the pretty ideas she had for her wedding, which weren't expensive or fancy, but were beautiful ideas all the same. <strong>I wonder why everyone is saying I'm being a judgmental b****, but all I'm asking for is help. </strong><strong>I'm not here to bash anyone.</strong> My friend is simply letting herself down. It's as if she doesn't think she deserves better than what she's getting. This is me just seeking help. I'm not trying to disparage her, and I don't know why everyone seems to be jumping alll over me about it. Not trying to be an ass, but a LOT of you sound like Bridezillas. Dang.
    Posted by littleowl0315[/QUOTE]

    Not everyone is saying that.  ONE person said that - the rest of us said you're being judgmental. 

    Again, you have been given help in the form of advice to let it be.

     What she's wearing isn't as relevant to the situation as you're trying to make it.  You could have said, "I'm sad because she's giving up her dream wedding for a simple ceremony.  I don't even think she's wearing a wedding dress", without bashing her choice of her outfit.  You are talking about her behind her back to a bunch of internet strangers.  If that's not bashing, I don't know what is.
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10

    BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
    image

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-friend-shes-making-mistake?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4dd174c0-3bb4-4775-b4a0-2e6ca148f222Post:1fa447b1-eeb0-4d3c-8f0a-be4eaf9718ed">Re: XP Do I tell my friend that she's making a mistake?</a>:
    [QUOTE]You're being ridiculous.
    Posted by nda_roxybabe[/QUOTE]

    You're being judgmental. Apparently, lots of people aren't on here. Just me. :)
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-friend-shes-making-mistake?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4dd174c0-3bb4-4775-b4a0-2e6ca148f222Post:3aa7111c-263c-4a10-abc6-34b7e2016b54">Re: XP Do I tell my friend that she's making a mistake?</a>:
    [QUOTE]All I'm trying to is give facts about why I think the way I do! What the heck is wrong with you people? I asked for opinions but I'm not the one who started calling names. I feel completely attacked when my intentions were simply for advice. Forget it. Thanks to those of you who gave good, sound information instead of just turning the finger around on me and telling me I'm wrong. I don't think good friends just let their friends make stupid decisions. Obviously I care about my friend; I threw her a bachelorette party and I probably WILL end up getting her her dress, AND flowers, AND shoes, and whatever else she needs, because no one else gives a sh** enough about her to do it. SHE has no money, and neither does anyone else in her family, thus it falls to me because I'M the only one who gives a crap about her, apparently. But just nevermind. Everyone is just calling me a terrible person and a bad friend. Maybe that's the truth to you, but I didn't come on here and take the time to register and crap, when I'm not even engaged, to just say mean things about her, whatever you guys think. Thanks anyways.
    Posted by littleowl0315[/QUOTE]
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10

    BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
    image

  • I'm not really judging, you're just getting very upset over nothing. Relax.
  • Littleowl, don't get upset about these posts to your question. Everyone is just giving you their advice, and the thing about these boards is no one here knows you...so no one will sugar coat anything. This is what comes from writing something on an internet forum- take it for what it is. 

    As for an answer to your question, I would not discuss it anymore with her. The fact of the matter is, we cannot tell other people what to do or what to wear, and by trying to, you will only push her away. It won't change her mind, or stop her from making a mistake. 
    Planning Bio

    Our wedding date is November 12, 2011

    110 invited 86 accepted! 20 can't make it 4 haven't responded yet
    RSVP Date October 12th, 2011

  • redheadfsuredheadfsu member
    2500 Comments
    edited May 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-friend-shes-making-mistake?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4dd174c0-3bb4-4775-b4a0-2e6ca148f222Post:560b7dd9-8a53-44b9-827e-5eff73418592">Re: XP Do I tell my friend that she's making a mistake?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: XP Do I tell my friend that she's making a mistake? : You're being judgmental. Apparently, lots of people aren't on here. Just me. :)
    Posted by littleowl0315[/QUOTE]

    If you didn't have a huge attitude, you would have gotten more advice & less judging you. The way you worded things got the "judgment." When you stop having that chip on your shoulder more people will actually want to help you.

    Again, you can't tell her she is making a huge mistake with out destroying your relationship. You already told her she is rushing. You did as much as you can do without damaging/losing the friendship. Your friend is an adult, thus she can choose to marry this guy. If you want to remain friends with her, don't make her choose you or him. She will most likely choose him because she thinks he is in love.Also, since you are an outsider (not them) you don't really know all of the truth about their relationship.

    Planning Bio
    Married 9/15/11

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    *This is Not Legal Advice*
  • I have to admit I dated a real d-bag for awhile and after we broke up a lot of friends said "thank god he was blah blah blah"  All I could say was "why didn't you say something sooner?!?" There's being judgemental and theres being a good friend. If you are close enough to call each out on other things in life "girl what do you mean you're going to max out all your credt cards to go to Europe for a weekend?!" then yeah call her out on this. That's what friends do - they help keep each other from doing stupid sh**. If your friendship is not this close, then you have no ground to stand on to say something now.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-friend-shes-making-mistake?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4dd174c0-3bb4-4775-b4a0-2e6ca148f222Post:9dfa5ab4-666c-4a93-bbb2-1ec5b5610dd0">Re: Do I tell my friend that she's making a mistake?</a>:
    [QUOTE]No, he may not be a child molester or a druggie, but he's unemployed and plays songs backwards to find the "Satanic message" hidden in the track. All day. I probably should have mentioned that... Sigh. There's just a lot to it, more than just that I think she's rushing. No one thinks unemployment is bad, at all, for the start of a marriage? As for the attire - yeah, I get it, my standards - But I have NEVER met a woman who wants to get married in leggings. LEGGINGS. Maybe it makes me awful but I just cringe. Cringe. Cringe. Cringe.
    Posted by littleowl0315[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>Dear while you may think you know all the reasons they are getting married, keep in mind that you dont know everything and that a really great reason for two people to get married is that they are in love. Maybe he is trying to find a job. Are you there 24/7?? I am not trying to be rude, but unless she has said to you "Hey friend guess what! I am getting married just so that I can have sex to a lazy bum guy who wont get a job and listens to record tracks backward so he can talk to Satan. Isnt that great?!!!!"  then you must realize that you dont know the whole story and need to stay out of it unless he is abusive, mean or otherwise harmful to her health.  It is her life and she will do with it what she will. Let it go. </div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-friend-shes-making-mistake?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4dd174c0-3bb4-4775-b4a0-2e6ca148f222Post:3aa7111c-263c-4a10-abc6-34b7e2016b54">Re: XP Do I tell my friend that she's making a mistake?</a>:
    [QUOTE]All I'm trying to is give facts about why I think the way I do! What the heck is wrong with you people? I asked for opinions but I'm not the one who started calling names. I feel completely attacked when my intentions were simply for advice. Forget it. Thanks to those of you who gave good, sound information instead of just turning the finger around on me and telling me I'm wrong. I don't think good friends just let their friends make stupid decisions. <strong>Obviously I care about my friend; I threw her a bachelorette party and I probably WILL end up getting her her dress, AND flowers, AND shoes, and whatever else she needs, because no one else gives a sh** enough about her to do it. SHE has no money, and neither does anyone else in her family, thus it falls to me because I'M the only one who gives a crap about her, apparently.</strong> But just nevermind. Everyone is just calling me a terrible person and a bad friend. Maybe that's the truth to you, but I didn't come on here and take the time to register and crap, when I'm not even engaged, to just say mean things about her, whatever you guys think. Thanks anyways.
    Posted by littleowl0315[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Here's the thing, your friend has decided that the most important thing for her wedding is the marriage, not the dress, or the shoes, or the flowers, or anything else you say she needs to have.  That's great that you would pay for it for her, but is it really for her, or is it for you?  if she doesn't care enough to wait to be able to afford these things, that is her choice.  Don't try to act like your Mother Teresa because you're giving her the wedding she talked about as a kid.  Your pushing these wedding details that she clearly has chosen not to care about.  Maybe she cared when she was younger, but apparently her priorities changed.</div><div>
    </div><div>You asked a question and it was answered multiple times.  You asked if you should say something, everyone said no.  Clearly you're just waiting for Supernewb to show up and say yes you should tell her she's making the biggest mistake of her life.  You voiced your concerns once, she chose not to listen.  </div><div>
    </div><div>And just for the record, I was unemployed when we got married.  I guess H made a huge mistake marrying me.</div><div>
    </div>
    imageBabyFruit Ticker
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-friend-shes-making-mistake?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4dd174c0-3bb4-4775-b4a0-2e6ca148f222Post:3aa7111c-263c-4a10-abc6-34b7e2016b54">Re: XP Do I tell my friend that she's making a mistake?</a>:
    [QUOTE]All I'm trying to is give facts about why I think the way I do! What the heck is wrong with you people? I asked for opinions but I'm not the one who started calling names. I feel completely attacked when my intentions were simply for advice. Forget it. Thanks to those of you who gave good, sound information instead of just turning the finger around on me and telling me I'm wrong. I don't think good friends just let their friends make stupid decisions. Obviously I care about my friend; I threw her a bachelorette party and I probably WILL end up getting her her dress, AND flowers, AND shoes, and whatever else she needs, because no one else gives a sh** enough about her to do it. SHE has no money, and neither does anyone else in her family, thus it falls to me because I'M the only one who gives a crap about her, apparently. But just nevermind. Everyone is just calling me a terrible person and a bad friend. Maybe that's the truth to you, but I didn't come on here and take the time to register and crap, when I'm not even engaged, to just say mean things about her, whatever you guys think. Thanks anyways.
    Posted by littleowl0315[/QUOTE]

    BREATHE!! Seriously, no one on here is trying to "attack" you. Just think about what the first comment you wrote on here was. VERY Rrawr! You need to think about how you were coming off to everyone.

    ANYWAYS...If you have told your friend how you feel and she still hasn't listened, well then there really isn't anything else you can do. If you are really as close as you say you are, then you can tell her anything. Don't be rude and pushy, you'll ruin the friendship. Just let her know that you are always there for her. That's all a good friend can do.

    As far as her attire....that's not your call. I had a friend get married in a t-shirt and jeans. The only thing she regretted was her family not being there, not what she wore. If it bothers you that much, then buy her the darn dress as a present.
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  • Have you thought about the fact that she MIGHT be pregnant and thats why there is a rush for the wedding?

    Just saying...
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-friend-shes-making-mistake?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4dd174c0-3bb4-4775-b4a0-2e6ca148f222Post:5127e8d0-8f59-4f68-8bf0-ff13e89cf93e">Re: XP Do I tell my friend that she's making a mistake?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Have you thought about the fact that she MIGHT be pregnant and thats why there is a rush for the wedding? Just saying...
    Posted by fluffymunky[/QUOTE]

    Well, she said they were celibate. But, to be getting married, pregnant while you're supposedly "celibate" would be more embarrasing than a rushed wedding.
    image
  • What the f*ck does being unemployed have to do with getting married, lady? 
    image

    If I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'd put shoes on the cat. image

  • Didn't you know Nuggs, unemployed guys are all good for nothing devil worshiping thugs. Undecided
  • One of my very best friends got married in a restaurant, on her way home from work, with just their witnesses and an officiant, for reasons I'll never understand.  She's still very happily married a few years later.  I agree w/most of the PPs - don't say anything.  You may be one of her best friends, and she may tell you a lot, but you never know exactly what another person is going through, or exactly what their relationship is like.  Support your friend, and if down the road things go south for her, please don't pull out the "I told you so." 
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  • wyneywyney member
    10 Comments
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-friend-shes-making-mistake?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4dd174c0-3bb4-4775-b4a0-2e6ca148f222Post:9dfa5ab4-666c-4a93-bbb2-1ec5b5610dd0">Re: Do I tell my friend that she's making a mistake?</a>:
    [QUOTE]No, he may not be a child molester or a druggie, but he's unemployed and plays songs backwards to find the "Satanic message" hidden in the track. All day. I probably should have mentioned that... Sigh. There's just a lot to it, more than just that I think she's rushing. N<strong>o one thinks unemployment is bad, at all, for the start of a marriage?</strong> As for the attire - yeah, I get it, my standards - But I have NEVER met a woman who wants to get married in leggings. LEGGINGS. Maybe it makes me awful but I just cringe. Cringe. Cringe. Cringe.
    Posted by littleowl0315[/QUOTE]


    While it sounds like he could use some motivation, unemployment doesn't necessarily make someone a bad partner.  It's far from ideal, but at least she knows what life is like when one of them is unemployed.  Especially these days.  While financial stability is important, it's not as important as understanding that it's never guaranteed.  The couple making good money today as they get married could end up hemorrhaging money a few years down the line when they both lose their jobs, anyway.
  • Gray married McDreamy in scrubs on a post-it-note, and they are employed surgeons :)
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-friend-shes-making-mistake?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:4dd174c0-3bb4-4775-b4a0-2e6ca148f222Post:1b664d72-7f44-4bee-8cb4-2b2365954af3">Re: XP Do I tell my friend that she's making a mistake?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Gray married McDreamy in scrubs on a post-it-note, and they are employed surgeons :)
    Posted by Ghoti[/QUOTE]

    HA.. very true! :)
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_tell-friend-shes-making-mistake?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4dd174c0-3bb4-4775-b4a0-2e6ca148f222Post:9dfa5ab4-666c-4a93-bbb2-1ec5b5610dd0">Re: Do I tell my friend that she's making a mistake?</a>:
    [QUOTE]No, he may not be a child molester or a druggie, but he's unemployed and plays songs backwards to find the "Satanic message" hidden in the track. All day. I probably should have mentioned that... Sigh. There's just a lot to it, more than just that I think she's rushing. No one thinks unemployment is bad, at all, for the start of a marriage? As for the attire - yeah, I get it, my standards - But I have NEVER met a woman who wants to get married in leggings. LEGGINGS. Maybe it makes me awful but I just cringe. Cringe. Cringe. Cringe.
    Posted by littleowl0315[/QUOTE]

    My aunt got married to a man who was twice divorced and 25 years older than her with 2 kids wearing a white tube top and an electric blue flowy skirt. They'll be celebrating their 10 year anniversary soon.

    And for the record? She looked hot. They were on a beach, and it was low-key but no less special for that.
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