No Gifts Please

beardo1111

As a heads up - I asked this once before a while back on the invites/paper board but didn't get much of a response, and still haven't figured out how best to handle it, so figured I'd try here for a few more opinions.

My fiancee and I already live together and have an apartment full of stuff (including china, nice wine glasses, etc. that I've gotten as graduation gifts over the years).  We are having our wedding in Boston and almost eveyone coming is going to have to pay for flights and hotels (my family is on the West Coast, his is in the Midwest and most of our friends are scattered up and down the East Coast...a few in Boston but not a lot).

Bottom line....we really don't need or want gifts for our wedding.  We feel like the money our guests are going to have to pay to travel plus stay in Boston (we booked hotels at a reasonable rate but it's downtown Boston so still not cheap) is more than enough and we don't want to ask for more.  How can I let people know this??  I'm not having a shower and we're not registering.  I know it's not considered appropriate to say anything about gifts on the invite - but fiancee is concerned that if we don't register and don't say anything then people will show up with checks (we don't want this and don't want to seem like that's what we're aiming for) - and I see his point. 

There's word-of-mouth (via our moms most likely) - I suppose that may work for family members but would probably not get communicated to friends and colleagues.  It's not like I can just call up our friends and say btw please don't bring gifts to the wedding, right? 

Does anyone have any suggestions? Thanks for your help!

DramaGeek

Do nothing unless asked.  If someone asks where you're registered or what you want for your wedding, you can tell them that them being there is the best gift you could ask for.  If they push, I'd just stick with the party line of not needing anything and just being excited to see them at the wedding.

QueerFemme

Let grown-ups make decisions about their own finances.  If they spent money traveling to your wedding, but still want to give you something, then you have to trust that they can manage their own money, and won't go into debt buying you a gift or giving you a check.

crash2729

Don't register and don't have a shower. 

That's really all you can do. Some people will just want to bring you something.

If someone asks where you are registered you could always say "we're not registered anywhere as we already have everything we need."

AdeleDazeem

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_no-gifts-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4e6628ee-1c4b-41f2-b315-cb3b7d11b5fePost:d273d41e-677d-42c4-8dcc-5b8f66ac0a68">Re: No Gifts Please</a>:
[QUOTE]Don't register and don't have a shower.  That's really all you can do. Some people will just want to bring you something. If someone asks where you are registered you could always say "we're not registered anywhere as we already have everything we need."
Posted by crash2729[/QUOTE]

This.

Don't start walking around telling people "Please don't buy us a gift!" without any kind of question from them first, though.  Adults (presumably) can handle their own finances.  We had similar concerns for our wedding, but in the end, we had to keep our mouthes shut and let adults do what they wanted to do. 

People will want to give you gifts - be grateful and appreciative.

beardo1111

Thank you ladies - all good points.

I guess my biggest concern is that not having a shower and not registering will get interpreted as "we want cash" - which we don't.  But you're right - we can't dictate to others how they should spend their money, especially if they don't ask about gifts/registery/etc.

Thanks!

beardo1111

You guys are all correct I know....I just have some guilt because I know how inconvenient our city of choice is for the majority of our guests.  But it's where we met, fell in love, etc. and with our very spread out families there wasn't another great option.... And I just don't want us to come off as cash-seeking.

I will definitely heed all of your advice and say nothing unless people specifically ask.  Thank you!

theelusive1

I think if you have a wedding website you could post it there. 

hoffse

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_no-gifts-please?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4e6628ee-1c4b-41f2-b315-cb3b7d11b5fePost:7c22957e-e259-42c1-b798-f8f6b907389e">Re: No Gifts Please</a>:
[QUOTE]I think if you have a wedding website you could post it there. 
Posted by theelusive1[/QUOTE]

<div>No, like PP said to do so implies they were otherwise expected.</div><div>
</div><div>OP, I also recommend finding at least some small upgrades to make.  You mentioned you already have china, etc - do you have a holiday pattern?  An "intermediate" (as my mother calls them) luncheon pattern?  You could also register for tools, gardening stuff, etc. through Amazon.  Their registry is great.</div><div>
</div><div>I just agree with PP that you risk getting a lot of stuff that you not only don't want but aren't to your tastes.  If you are able to donate them, that's great - but you never know what you're going to end up with from whom.</div>

ceceibson

We just got married, on August 18, 2012.  Both of us were marrie previously.

My mother insisited [over and over and over and over] I put "no gifts please" on the invitations.  That we don't get gifts since we've been married before, blah blah blah.

I very patiently explained that putting "no gifts please" suggests the invitee had an obligation to give a gift which we were releasing him/her from.  Not cool.

Our invitations said nothing about gifts.  I did create a small registry at amazon.com.  If people asked, I shared that information.

We had 100 guest "units" [singles, couples or families} at our wedding.  We received 6 items off our registry, quite a few gift cards and checks, lots of wine.

You can't tell people NOT to give a gift any more than you can tell them TO give a gift.  They'll do what they want.

To be honest, taking money and gift cards from friends at our ages felt a little silly.  But, then, I always give a gift regardless of circumstances because it makes me happy. So we accepted those gifts in the same spirit.

Jen4948

Any kind of "no gifts, please" on an invitation or website is bad etiquette form, so I wouldn't do it.

You don't have to keep anything you receive-it is perfectly okay to give it away or otherwise dispose of it, provided you are discreet.  Obviously you don't want anyone to know that you are not keeping their gift.

But it isn't polite to tell anyone who hasn't asked you what kind of gift you do or don't want.  That's why putting registry information in invitations isn't okay.  Your best course of action is to graciously accept and then discreetly dispose of any unwanted gifts.  Don't do a "cash only" registry for the purpose.  If people want to give you gifts, they are not going to take kindly to that.