Am I being insensitive? Deceased relatives in program

SaraAndrew2010

FI and I are starting to work on the program for our wedding.  FMIL called FI up and told him she thought we should make a section to honor deceased relatives to include FI's two grandparents and aunt who are no longer alive.

While I appreciate wanting to honor our deceased relatives, I'm not wild about the idea of adding a section to the program.  All four of my grandparents are dead.  And if FI is mentioning his late aunt, I feel like my extended family would be offended if I didn't also include my three aunts and uncles who have died. 

That brings us to a total of 10 deceased relatives to mention in the program, which I feel is a little excessive on a day when we are supposed to be celebrating.  Also, many of these relatives died when FI and I were quite young, so they aren't necessarily relatives whose absence we feel particularly strongly.

We're already including a special prayer in our ceremony for family members who are no longer with us.  Would it be insensitive of me to decline to list all of our deceased relatives in the program?  I talked to FI and he doesn't feel strongly about including his relatives in the program but wants to make his mom happy.

georgia_bride09

Since you're already verbally honoring your relatives that have passed, I'd say their names in the program is overkill. If FI is too much of a pansy to tell his mom no, then you need to do it.  

ootmother2

I think it's a personal decision.

Bride had all deceased grandparents and a half brother also deceased.
And her godmother.  Groom had 3 deceased grandparents

She listed them on the back of the programs just sending love to those not able to be there on their wedding day.

Pirata13

I would say if you are doing a prayer, it is totally ok to bypass the program segment.

We did not do either for ours. H's grandfathers are both deceased and ALL of my grandparents are gone. I was super close to my dad's parents, and I was aware enough that they weren't there for my big day, I didn't want it immortalized in our program. 

squirrly

I think anything beyond siblings, parents, and grandparents is too much in the program, personally. 

We had an "In Memory" sign beside the guest book that listed our deceased grandparents.  Due to the design of the program I selected, we were a bit cramped for space, and I opted to include only the grandparents that were in attendance. 

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I'm on your side. Neither my husband nor I have any living grandparents. In fact, my FIL's mother died 6 weeks before our wedding. But we both feel that weddings are a day of celebration. You both know who can't be with you there in person that day, and IMO, that's all that matters.

SaraAndrew2010

Thanks for all the responses!  I know ultimately this is a personal decision, but I wanted to make sure that the concensus wasn't that I'm a horrible person for not agreeing to FMIL's request.

I'm a fairly private person, so I don't want to draw a lot of attention to all the relatives I have lost.  As Msmerymac said, we know the people who can't be there and that's what's important.

I'm going to stick with the general prayer for family members who are no longer with us.  Now the hard part is going to be convincing FMIL that I am not trying to snub her family. 

georgia_bride09

I'd tell her your wedding is a celebration, and you'd prefer to mourn your loved ones in private, as opposed to naming them in the program. You also need to get your FI on board with this.

If all else fails, just yell, "I'm the bride, dammit, and what I say goes!!"

ehathewa

We had a section in the program and a moment of silence.  We have both lost people very close to us... and our list was long.  A dad and 7 grandparents.  I don't think it made the day somber.  It was a ncie moment and I remember thinking that maybe those people had something to do with the unusually warm and sunny October day. 

How does your FI feel about this?  He is who you should be discussing this with. 

SaraAndrew2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_am-being-insensitive-deceased-relatives-program?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:4ecfdbd2-1c2c-4c05-a9fd-e2acb881eb2dPost:3f1bbdc7-f56d-4b32-b793-c26a772dc315">Re: Am I being insensitive? Deceased relatives in program</a>:
[QUOTE]  How does your FI feel about this?  He is who you should be discussing this with. 
Posted by ehathewa[/QUOTE]

This is what I wrote in my original post:
"I talked to FI and he doesn't feel strongly about including his relatives in the program but wants to make his mom happy."

sarah0725

I'm with you. We're down seven out of eight grandparents, and the most recent of these deaths was in 2002. Kind of old business.

We might use some family wedding pictures as part of a photo wall, though.

srkropf

We're only honoring our grandmothers who have past (3) with a candle ceremony and a notation in the program, but I was close with both of mine, and I helped take care of his grandmother when she was dying, so I was close with all three and it was my choice-- both mom's love the idea though. Also, these happened in the last 3 years. I don't know if they've been gone for a while, at that point I wouldn't worry about it, but if they were recent and actually knew you, maybe for the grandparents-- but yeah, that's a lot of rememberance

DanAll1228

For my sister who just died last month, my grandfather who died in 2009, my uncle that died in 2007, and my FI's grandfather who died in 2009, we will just light a candle for each one of them. I MAY mention their names, but I'm not sure. I really honestly just want to mention my sister's name (she was so beautiful and only 20 years old), but that seems a little biased...so I may just omit putting names in the program and just light the candles. Besides, family will be there, and they should know/remember who all has died in our family. It is a day of celebration, after all.

Hope this helps you. Good luck.