A bit annoyed with FMIL...

ali585

Something happened with my FMIL and it's been bugging me since Christmas; I'd appreciate some words of wisdom from you ladies.

So, back in November my FMIL backed out of paying for our rehearsal dinner after she had signed a contract at a restaurant and put down a non-refundable deposit. She said she couldn't afford it and wanted us to pay instead. FH and I decided to ditch the fancy dinner, do a backyard BBQ instead to save $$, and let her use her deposit for something else (fortunately the restaurant is letting her put it towards a future event, like a birthday party or something, so it's not a total loss.)

She's tight on money to begin with, and since she, my parents and FH and I have been trying to save for the wedding lately, we collectively agreed not to exchange Christmas gifts with each other this year--or so I thought!

FMIL showed up at Christmas dinner with a carload of gifts from an expensive clothing store and homeware store. She must have easily dropped $500 on gifts for me, FH and my parents. My parents were embarrassed that they didn't have anything for her; my mom even said, "Oh, this is generous of you! But didn't we agree not to exchange gifts this year?" FMIL just laughed and said she couldn't resist and really wanted to get us presents. Now my parents feel guilty about not getting her anything, but I feel annoyed! If she couldn't afford to pay for our rehearsal dinner, then how is it she could afford to drop major dough on Christmas presents for us? Not to mention that she ignored our request to skip exchanging gifts this year.

Anyways, I suppose this is more of a vent than me actually asking for advice...but should my FH say something to her? I feel like I'm sounding ungrateful (gifts are always nice!) but I thought she was fine with the whole skipping gifts thing this year, and it put everyone else in an awkward position. Plus there's the financial issue...I worry a little about my FH and I having to support her down the road...she is a generous person and I truly get along with her well, but she's so reckless with money. Gah.

strlzfan11

How she spends her money isn't any of your business, but I can understand why you are annoyed that she disregarded a mutual decision to not exchange gifts.

I wouldn't say anything to her about it, but I would out it in the back of my head for future reference in case she does something similar in the future, so that you can remind yourself that she isn't always trustworthy when it comes to stuff like this.

Loopyseven

It stinks that she disregarded multiple agreements.  I don't think it's worth saying anything to her.  If it comes up, let your FI deal with her.  Just make sure you both are on the same page, and let him do the talking.

Simply Fated

"Plus there's the financial issue...I worry a little about my FH and I having to support her down the road..." Your FI doesn't need to talk to her, but you need to talk to your fiancé about the future and what your plans are in case she does run into financial difficulties.

banana468

I'd be irritated too.  Like PPs said, you can't control how she spends her money but her actions seem to conflict with what she said - and any stretching of the truth annoys me.

I'll echo SimplyFated that you two should talk about what you two will do if you see that she is not acting like she's making responsible financial decisions.  That can be a sign that as she ages someone else gets control of her finances.

In the meantime, the only other thing you need to do is not count on her for any financial contribution at the wedding.  Just say, "Thanks but we're all set." 

Kate61487

ditto SimplyFated and Banana; don't say anything to her about Christmas, but talk with your FI about the future.  You need to agree on when/if you'll bail her out financially, what's an acceptable amount to "loan" (in quotes b/c it probably would end up as a gift), etc.  It's tough with family b/c you don't want to see them in a bad situation, but at the same time sometimes you need to let them reap the consequences.  

PS - I'm glad the rehearsal BBQ is working out!  I figured the restraunt would let her re-use the deposit some other time :-)

JessRabbid

I'm having the same issue with my FMIL, she had added quite a few people to our guest list that we had not planned to invite (because my FI is not close with then, and to add insult to injury,  are notorious for rsvping and not showing), but we let her go with this because she told us on several occasions that she would pay for every single one of them.

Now, we asked her when the STD's went out if she was sure she wanted to do that, because we did not want to get stuck footing the bill for these people, and she agtreed. Well, STD's have gone out and suddenly she is crying poor, her and my FFIl are talking about taking out a mortgage on their house, or applying for loans just to pay off the car they bought and to give us money for the wedding!!

We went there for christmas, and their was just way to much, especially for my FI and I, we had told her after she gave us our gift early that we wanted nothing else, and yet she still went through and got us a butt load of gifts, not to mention it was her usual array of things we cant use. Still no mention of the money promised to us for the wedding.

FI has spoken to her about it quite a few times, and since we have a payment on our venue due, had asked her if she'd be able to make her contribution now, and there has still been no answer on it. Its driving me crazy.

My apologies for answering your vent with another vent, but I definitley feel your pain.

ali585

Thanks ladies--you helped me put things in perspective. My fiance isn't going to say anything to her about the whole Christmas gifts thing, but I do need to sit down with him and figure out what we'll do in the future if she gets herself backed into a financial corner. 

I worry sometimes because she is in her late sixties and nowhere near ready to retire because she has little money saved (according to FH.) She is single and doesn't have the added financial support of a husband or significant other, so I do feel for her in that regard, but it pains me to see her spend money she doesn't have on material stuff we don't even need. You're all correct though--how she spends her money is her business, and I know there's nothing I can really do about it. I guess if it gets bad down the road my FH can talk to her.