Private Wedding...?

montanabounding

Future Husband and I are having a nontraditional wedding ceremony with five people present - myself, Future Husband, our child, my BFF/MoH, and MoH's husband. (Six people if you include officiant/JP/courthouse person). We're hoping for a simple courthouse ceremony but will settle for a JP at a neutral location if we don't have other options.

Dilemma: My mother has made it clear that she'll be attending the ceremony, regardless of whether or not we explicitly invite her. (She'll know when/where it is - she's keeping our child during our honeymoon, aka "cross-country drive with a full U-Haul".) My father hasn't been informed of our engagement yet (long story, feel free to ask for details). Mom and Dad have been divorced for 15+ years, are remarried, and hate each other (just one part of why our wedding is "private" - shouldn't invite others and leave parents out!). I am close to both of them.

If bride's parents are ridiculously offended by the idea of not being invited or present/insist on showing up anyway, how would one handle that? I had in mind something along the lines of, "If not being present is a grave offense and you won't be able to forgive me for it, then the date and time is xx yy." Something tells me that's not the most kosher, but that's all I've got. I would MUCH RATHER they not come, but I don't want to ruin my relationship with one or both parents (particularly if Mom shows up anyway and Dad finds out).

Subquestion: If they both show up, whether made aware of the date/time or not, am I obligated to host some kind of reception for them? The last time they had a meal together was when Future Husband and I told them that we were (unmarried teenagers) expecting a baby, and we Sat Down and had a Come to Jesus talk (awkward.as.heck).

Thank you in advance for your suggestions. I tried to keep it brief.

lyndausvi

You are close to your father, yet he doesn't know you are engaged?

montanabounding

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_private-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:505adcf3-9ea2-4731-9253-be1ac9606e11Post:d670745d-d9f0-47b3-b451-8b1a5d080e8d">Re: Private Wedding...?</a>:
[QUOTE]You are close to your father, yet he doesn't know you are engaged?
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

This is going to potentially get a bit long, but!

tl;dr We live cross-country from each other and he wants to do the "ask the parents for their blessing and give the ring" thing in person. We'll see each other in three weeks. We've been discussing and planning our wedding since this past spring. According to him, we're engaged and getting married next June - he just thinks that I'm worth more than a not-in-person proposal. We've been on/off for seven years, more details below.

Long Story:
Future Husband and I met when we were in our late teens, both living/working away from home. Future Husband and I date for a bit and then he asks me to marry him. I say yes. We downplay our relationship with our families because I hadn't met his/he hadn't met mine yet, and when you're in your teens and you tell your family you're marrying someone they're never met - it doesn't go well. We planned to introduce everybody and then tell them a bit later that we were getting married, roll the news out slowly, give them time to adjust. Hit a snafu when we found out (post-engagement, pre-family-introduction) that I was expecting.

We have baby, we hit rocky terrain, we try to work but ultimately end our relationship. We keep in touch and keep our friendship because we have a child together. We see each other (with child) as much as we can. One proctologist visit later, we realize that we're being idiots and we're IT for each other. We start talking again, I fly there, we make it official and basically say, "Well, okay, so, we're getting married." I fly home. He flies here to visit. We've both decided that it's happening next summer, as soon as he graduates. He flies home. We set a date. He decides that we shouldn't be telling people officially until he asks my parents for their blessing in person, and that he wants to ask me in person.(ETA: He knows about TK and that I'm going to a bridal show and he's fine with it. I did specifically ask him about it. I know that some people are sticklers for the NO RING YET, NO ENGAGEMENT YET! deal.) I was supposed to be there throughout August, but he and his family decided that the extreme heat (120+) and drought was a bad idea for us and our child.

He plans to fly here in three weeks. That's the first time we'll see each other since this spring (and before that, we saw each other this past winter, each trip for a few weeks at a time). I'm not sure how my mother found out about the wedding - not that she knows anything other than "it's happening and it's happening next summer" - but guessing it's because Tiny Human and I moved in this past spring after our living situation changed unexpectedly, and my mother asked us to move in temporarily. Tiny Human and I make it a point to visit my father once a week, and spend the day with him. We see far more of my mother than we do of my father, which has been the case since their divorce.

All of the above happened over the course of about seven years. I'm not an eighteen-year-old going, "lol I'm getting married and my parents don't know!" We both feel that the time apart (in distance as well as in our relationship) helped us to grow as individuals and to be more sure of who we were and what we wanted, and made us more determined to fight for what we wanted (which we hadn't done the first time). We've done things upside-down and backwards since meeting, and I suppose it's fitting that this is the same.

Phew.

crash2729

Honestly, 

Unless you have to have 2 witnesses I would just go with you, FH and your daughter. 

Since FH's parents are not coming, they could end up being resentful if your parents attend.

montanabounding

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_private-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:505adcf3-9ea2-4731-9253-be1ac9606e11Post:b380f69c-13c3-486b-a47b-d23aa90cbb24">Re: Private Wedding...?</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly,  Unless you have to have 2 witnesses I would just go with you, FH and your daughter.  Since FH's parents are not coming, they could end up being resentful if your parents attend.
Posted by crash2729[/QUOTE]

FH's parents are a nonissue unless the wedding takes place where FH lives, which it won't. They won't fly here, and if both parents were invited and his mother accepted, his father would decline. His mother takes "bat!!!! crazy" to an extreme, particularly when she's off her meds (like she is... now). They wouldn't be offended if they weren't invited, and if his mother is, well... FH wouldn't invite her even if we were having a "come-one-come-all" wedding. FH's parents and my parents have actually never met. They don't talk.

FH's parents divorced when he was young. He has an older sibling. OLDER SIBLING was granted guardianship of him until he turned 18 - I've worked plenty of divorce/custody cases for my job, and that's honestly the first I've ever heard of that happening where the parents haven't been addicted to drugs or in jail.

Thank you so much for your advice. :)

DramaGeek

Either invite both of your parents or invite neither.  I wouldn't do the "if you absolutely have to come here's the info" because well, that's just rude.  If you do decide to invite them then yes, you need to host them to something (lunch, dinner, the appropriate food for the time).  It doesn't have to be fancy, it just needs to be on your dime.

If they show up uninvited they are the rude ones and you are under no obligation to host them afterward.

RWS2011

I like Crash's idea.  Just the two of you, plus baby makes three at the ceremony.  

But if that is not an option, I don't think there is a polite way to say, "Come if you want to."  If your mom wedding crashes, that is on her. 

Avion22

I think you need to sit down with your mom and tell her that you appreciate that she wants to attend your wedding, but that it would create MAJOR problems for you if other parents (your dad and his parents) found out she attended and they didn't.  To keep things simple, you're just going to do it by yourselves.   It's hard to tell someone you love that they aren't invited, but I think you need to do it.

montanabounding

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_private-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:505adcf3-9ea2-4731-9253-be1ac9606e11Post:f70d85be-f562-46a7-ad36-b56bb5838d92">Re: Private Wedding...?</a>:
[QUOTE]Either invite both of your parents or invite neither.  I wouldn't do the "if you absolutely have to come here's the info" because well, that's just rude.  If you do decide to invite them then yes, you need to host them to something (lunch, dinner, the appropriate food for the time).  It doesn't have to be fancy, it just needs to be on your dime. If they show up uninvited they are the rude ones and you are under no obligation to host them afterward.
Posted by DramaGeek[/QUOTE]

Yet another subquestion - If I invite my biological parents, must I also invite their spouses? I know that the rule of thumb is to invite spouses and SOs, but that advice is typically given for events that are BIG CEREMONY (+ other invited guests) and BIG RECEPTION, big being in relative terms because, well, you don't often see other plans like mine on TK. I'm not having my wedding and potentially inviting my biological parents to be social, I'd be having the wedding to marry FH and inviting my parents so that we're not estranged. (I also have younger siblings and wouldn't be inviting them either, if that makes a difference.)

Thank you all so much for your advice. It's really great to have multiple experienced minds weigh in on this - it makes me think about different things. :)

kmmssg

Yeah, you need to invite them.  The size of the event is irrelevant when it comes to not splitting up couples/social units.

ericaandtom2012

It is never ok to split up social units, no matter how private, small, or family only the event is.

OliveOilsMom

If you truly want a private wedding without your parents there.  Have you considered getting married a week or 2 before your honeymoon so that your mom won't know when your ceremony is?  I know you live with your mom, but when FH is done school is he moving in with you?  Will you two get your own place just prior to your ceremony?  Basically, will your mom see you & daughter get dressed up and know that today is your ceremony and that she needs to quick jump in the car and follow you? 

MoonlightSilver

I can understand your mom will know when the ceremony is because she has to watch your child afterwards, but how will she know where it is? You could go to any judge, or hire a JOP and go to any park, museum, public place, etc. Don't tell her where it is, and she can't show up unannounced. 

ElleB87

Your situation is one of the big reasons H and I decided to get married privately...in another country. My family even insisted they were going to "figure out the details and show up". It was annoying but ultimately the ocean seperating North America and Europe called their bluff. We also had a couple creepers who did the whole "I better be invited...or else" thing.

Sit down and be frank with your mom, but not confrontational.  Have more of a "this isn't open for discussion" kind of conversations but keep your cool. I would also probably talk it over with your officiant. Since you're either getting married at a courthouse or a public place, I don't know if there's anything you really can do if she shows up uninvited. I doubt it will reflect badly on you either way though, people will know she is the crazy one.

sarabellam

Your mother is good enough to live with, but not good enough to invite to your wedding? Personally, I think that's kind of a Richard Cranium move.

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_private-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:505adcf3-9ea2-4731-9253-be1ac9606e11Post:50eecd06-e94d-4d43-902b-d7ebb353db0b">Re: Private Wedding...?</a>:
[QUOTE]Your mother is good enough to live with, but not good enough to invite to your wedding? Personally, I think that's kind of a Richard Cranium move.
Posted by sarabellam[/QUOTE]

<div>That's what I was thinking.  I also don't get being close to your parents, but shutting out of something as important as a impending marriage.</div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>"Tiny Human" must be 5 or 6 by now.   I imagine Tiny Human will spill the beans anyway.</div>

montanabounding

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_private-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:505adcf3-9ea2-4731-9253-be1ac9606e11Post:50eecd06-e94d-4d43-902b-d7ebb353db0b">Re: Private Wedding...?</a>:
[QUOTE]Your mother is good enough to live with, but not good enough to invite to your wedding? Personally, I think that's kind of a Richard Cranium move.
Posted by sarabellam[/QUOTE]

I don't understand the reference, unless it's a play on the name...

The issue is not that my parents aren't "good enough" - it's that my parents had an extremely messy divorce, there's a lot of anger/snarkiness/childishness and hatred there. I don't trust either of them to be present at my marriage ceremony without there being some kind of issue, particularly if my parents' spouses are invited. When Tiny Human was born, there was some drama because I listed one spouse (the other parent was single at that time) on the birth announcement as a grandparent. The last time my parents saw each other was in court. Not a good situation. Again, I would rather invite them than be estranged from them (for not inviting them), but it is an extremely messy situation.

Do I trust that they can "be adults" and put it aside for my wedding day?

While I love both of my parents, the answer is, "No. I don't trust that they can suck it up for a day." This sentiment is increased when their spouses are present.

As far as taking off with Future Husband a week before everyone expects us to marry (another poster's suggestion), that won't work - we're already cutting it close with the mandatory waiting period between getting the license and getting married, plus we have a cross-country drive to accomplish. He can only take so much time off work once he's full-time professional in his field.

Thank you.

ootmother2

We have baby, we hit rocky terrain, we try to work but ultimately end our relationship. We keep in touch and keep our friendship because we have a child together. We see each other (with child) as much as we can. One proctologist visit later, we realize that we're being idiots and we're IT for each other. We start talking again, I fly there, we make it official and basically say, "Well, okay, so, we're getting married


Only one question and it's late.

How did a proctologist help your problems?   Take your heads out of your asses?