Keeping Guest Rules Consistent

LisaTyler1984

Yesterday, I got a guestlist from FMIL for who we need to invite to the wedding. We asked for her to do this. I noticed on the list that she included her cousin's two children. I am bothered by this because I did not want to invite any children outside of those in our wedding party. I have five (first) cousins that will be between the ages of 9-15 and a bro who is 13 and, since I am really close with my cousins and I was in all of their parents' weddings, I wanted to include them all in a "junior bridal party."
Outside of those six kids, I wasn't inviting anyone else's child.
My FI says that this isn't fair since none of his family is in this Junior Wedding Party.
My aunts and uncles and I grew up in the same house, they were like older brothers and sisters to me and I see these cousins alll the time. He has never met his mom's cousin's kids (with the exception of one of them once). I worry that if we make an exception to this rule, other guests with children not invited will be insulted. Should I insist they not be invited? Or should I just invite them? I was leaning towards just inviting them because a. I don't want to cause turmoil with his mom and b. My family won't know how close my FI is to these kids- meaning they won't know they aren't first cousins or have never really met.

iamjoesgurl

It seems like this is something that you and FI should agree upon.  Is there a reason you don't want kids there?  Because by having so many juniors, it seems like you've already decided it is ok to have the kids.

LisaTyler1984

$$
We are trying to cut down on our guest list a bit- that's all. Having those two kids there will cost us about $350 extra dollars just for their plates. Also, every extra guest means extra chairs to be rented, extra tables (possibly) extra linens, etc etc. We have to rent everything ourselves.

AmoroAgain

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_keeping-guest-rules-consistent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:507f2a19-e130-451a-ab0a-3a820e0f9616Post:eb48f52c-6436-4f24-9f98-58537d72e834">Re: Keeping Guest Rules Consistent</a>:
[QUOTE]$$ We are trying to cut down on our guest list a bit- that's all. Having those two kids there will cost us about $350 extra dollars just for their plates. Also, every extra guest means extra chairs to be rented, extra tables (possibly) extra linens, etc etc. We have to rent everything ourselves.
Posted by LisaTyler1984[/QUOTE]

I have to admit, that's kind of a lame reason considering you're already including so many.

lyndausvi

well in my family all first cousins are invited to the wedding regardless off age.  It's a relationship thing.  Children of first cousins/friends/co-workers, etc are not invite do to the shear amount of them and you have to make a cut somewhere.  It's a non-issue in both our familes.

Now if you have cousins who have kids and you are not inviting them, then it's not fair to invite these cousin's kids. You need to make a cut somewhere and I think you have a resonable cut when it comes to kids.

 If you do not have any other cousins' kids (on both sides) who need to be invited I think I may invite them just to keep the peace.  Most people understand the 'family card' when it comes to kids.

ring_pop

In general, it is usually best to apply consistency with respect to inviting kids, but it turn out to be better to allow some exceptions to the rule once you've factored in other things (like your relationship with your FMIL). Go with your gut.

PS. Is there any kids' meal price that your venue offers? Our kids' meals were 1/4 the price of adult meals, and teenagers under 19 were half price.

LisaTyler1984

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_keeping-guest-rules-consistent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:507f2a19-e130-451a-ab0a-3a820e0f9616Post:0b1cc460-c2b5-49f1-a641-45afbda10463">Re: Keeping Guest Rules Consistent</a>:
[QUOTE]In general, it is usually best to apply consistency with respect to inviting kids, but it turn out to be better to allow some exceptions to the rule once you've factored in other things (like your relationship with your FMIL). Go with your gut. PS. Is there any kids' meal price that your venue offers? Our kids' meals were 1/4 the price of adult meals, and teenagers under 19 were half price.
Posted by ring_pop[/QUOTE]


I didn't think there was a kid's price but I'm going to double check. I am not having a plated dinner, but action stations- so maybe that's why there isn't a discount. I will double check though.
I am not inviting my mother's cousin's kids but,  like I said, my mom's cousins aren't going to know that those 2 kids aren't my FI's first cousins. I would have liked to keep my rule consistent but I think it's worth bending to avoid bad feelings from the FMIL.

Thanks for the advice.

Also--- Amoro, what's lame about cutting down a guest list because of budget concerns? I'm inviting my first cousins- kids that I see several times a month. It's lame that I don't want to include my fiance's SECOND cousins who he has never met?

AmoroAgain

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_keeping-guest-rules-consistent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:507f2a19-e130-451a-ab0a-3a820e0f9616Post:a431af8e-af82-46db-8af1-286cda550a2c">Re: Keeping Guest Rules Consistent</a>:
[QUOTE] Also--- Amoro, what's lame about cutting down a guest list because of budget concerns? Just curious.
Posted by LisaTyler1984[/QUOTE]

No, no no.  You misunderstood my point, or maybe I didn't write it correctly.  What I mean is, if you're really worried about cutting down the budget and the guest list, and your rule is kids, then you shouldn't use your junior bridal party (which is weird to me anyway) as some kind of sneaky roundabout to that.  Just being members of a bridal party requires that you spend extra on them anyway for gifts, RD, etc.  So, it seems like you're wanting it both ways.  Does that make more sense?

ETA:  Simmer down.

LisaTyler1984

I don't know if I am understanding. I did not make my cousins bridal party members in order to invite them/ make them an exception to the rule (I may be misunderstanding and totally off base in my response). I made them members of the bridal party because they were all super excited when I got engaged and kept asking if they would be in the wedding. When I was their age, I had been in all of their parents' weddings and remember being really excited. So, I wanted to include them in the wedding party. I have a brother, but I grew up as an only child. It was pretty much just me and my mom and we lived in my grandparent's house with all of my aunts and uncles while I was growing up. So, I consider my aunts and uncles part of my immediate family (so their children too). They would have been invited to the RD regardless because they are immediate family. It's just a token gift and a few bouquets extra to include them.

AmoroAgain

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_keeping-guest-rules-consistent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:507f2a19-e130-451a-ab0a-3a820e0f9616Post:4c37bada-452b-4915-9183-d175f8b684b0">Re: Keeping Guest Rules Consistent</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't know if I am understanding. I did not make my cousins bridal party members in order to invite them/ make them an exception to the rule (I may be misunderstanding and totally off base in my response). I made them members of the bridal party because they were all super excited when I got engaged and kept asking if they would be in the wedding. When I was their age, I had been in all of their parents' weddings and remember being really excited. So, I wanted to include them in the wedding party. I have a brother, but I grew up as an only child. It was pretty much just me and my mom and we lived in my grandparent's house with all of my aunts and uncles while I was growing up. So, I consider my aunts and uncles part of my immediate family (so their children too). They would have been invited to the RD regardless because they are immediate family. It's just a token gift and a few bouquets extra to include them.
Posted by LisaTyler1984[/QUOTE]


Okay then.  Do what you like.

ring_pop

Assuming you're serving alcohol, they should at least discount the bar price for guests who aren't of legal age.

LisaTyler1984

That's whay I said! and my mom looked at me like I was nuts. So this is a reasonable request to my caterer? My mom made it seem silly to ask because she said then the same rule should apply to alcoholics too- not that we have any in my family that I know of haha.

Anyway, I decided to just invite them. My fiance's family is smaller than mine and I think he is feeling slighted in some way. People won't know who they are anyway and there is a good chance they probably won't even come since it's a DW.

LisaTyler1984

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_keeping-guest-rules-consistent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:507f2a19-e130-451a-ab0a-3a820e0f9616Post:bd1c81be-cda7-4c0b-aea5-b9510f1f1e6b">Re: Keeping Guest Rules Consistent</a>:
[QUOTE]. People won't know who they are anyway and there is a good chance they probably won't even come since it's a DW.
Posted by LisaTyler1984[/QUOTE]

That sounds bad... I just don't want kids (not in tuxes and bridesmaid gowns) running around and people  being like "hey, why were those kids invited but not my own?"

Catwoman708

You should have discussed the "rules" about what family to invite or exclude with yoru FI and FMIL before asking her for a list. 

The "circle" or family tree method is usually the most fair.  Starting with your immediate families, grandparents, aunts, uncles and firs cousins.  Then if you have room, invite extended relatives that you are close to.  Then your FMIL's cousins-once-removed would not have even been a consideration.

Personally, I feel that if you don't want kids at the wedding or reception, then don't invite any and don't have them IN your wedding. 

Have your FI tell his mom that "sorry, we can't invite them".

ring_pop

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_keeping-guest-rules-consistent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:507f2a19-e130-451a-ab0a-3a820e0f9616Post:bd1c81be-cda7-4c0b-aea5-b9510f1f1e6b">Re: Keeping Guest Rules Consistent</a>:
[QUOTE]That's whay I said! and my mom looked at me like I was nuts. So this is a reasonable request to my caterer? My mom made it seem silly to ask because she said then the same rule should apply to alcoholics too- not that we have any in my family that I know of haha.
Posted by LisaTyler1984[/QUOTE]

It's not silly to ask and at worst, they'll say no. At best, they'll save you some money. Why wouldn't you ask?

It's different from the alcoholic situation because they are legally not allowed to serve alcohol to minors. So you can argue that you shouldn't pay for a service that they CANNOT provide.