Is this rude?

melb2013

Here's a little back story.  I am one of four bridesmaids in an upcoming wedding.  We'll call the other BMs A, B, and C.  The bride wanted a shower, so her mother is paying for the bulk of the costs, but the BMs are in charge of favors, decorations, and games.  BM A lives in CA (we all east coast people) and announced she couldn't afford to fly in for the shower, so she would not be contributing.  BM B is local to the bride and the shower, but she emailed all the bridesmaids to say that she was very busy and didn't have time or money to contribute to the shower.  BM C just had a baby and is understandably a little MIA.  That leaves me.  So I felt badly that no one could contribute and have taken on the rest of the shower planning (and the costs!) myself.  

Now the bride has decided she wants a bachelorette party.  Nobody offered to throw her one, she just wants one.  BM A and BM C have already told her that they can't come.  That leaves me and BM B.  If BM B didn't have time to plan a shower, I'm sure she didn't volunteer to organize this either.  I'll be damned if I'm organizing something else by myself- but the bride has no problem doing it all herself.  Now am I wrong that the bride is rude for expecting these parties and then planning it herself?  Is there any subtle way of explaining that if nobody offers to throw it for her, then she just shouldn't have the party?  FYI she basically did the same thing for the shower.

Maggie0829

None of you are required to contribute or throw her parties.  If you can't afford it then you can't afford it and if no one else volunteers then the bride just does not get the pre-wedding parties

For the bach party I would simply tell the bride that you will not be able to throw her one.  If she wants to look tacky and throw herself one I don't think there is much that you can do about it.

aragx6

Send her here -- we'll set her straight.

You're completely right that if no one offers you don't get these parties, but I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't have been disappointed if no one offered to throw me either.

adamar15

She's out of line.  If she wants to plan her own party and look like an ass that's on her.

Mrs.B6302007

You are not in ANY WAY obligated to throw her a b-party.  Just tell her you can't.

Mrs.B6302007

And I agree with adamar.  If she throws one herself, she'll look bad but that's on her.

melb2013

She's honestly just clueless.  She has no idea that this is wrong.  What if I say something like "That's so nice that BM B offered to plan your bachelorette party!".   Obviously she didn't offer to plan it- we both know this, but it might give her a hint?  Could I do that?  She's not asking me to throw it, she's just going to do it herself, and that really annoys me.

cosmogirlWed144626

I feel bad for the bride whose supposed closest friends can't contribute a few hours of their time for her shower preparation.  I know that bridesmaids aren't legally required to host or contribute to a shower, but I don't understand why they can't help out a little. 

If the bride wants to organize a girls' night out before her wedding, she's perfectly able to do so.  She gets her night out, her bridesmaids aren't responsible for the planning or the cost, and they can still have fun together. 

melb2013

On the other hand, I realize pointing out bad etiquette is bad etiquette in itself- I just get super irritated.  

melb2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-this-rude-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5214bad3-fa7d-4345-ab26-7484525f311bPost:68e7f3e9-d075-4f8b-bab7-29e52209e0e5">Re: Is this rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I feel bad for the bride whose supposed closest friends can't contribute a few hours of their time for her shower preparation. </strong> I know that bridesmaids aren't legally required to host or contribute to a shower, but I don't understand why they can't help out a little.  If the bride wants to organize a girls' night out before her wedding, she's perfectly able to do so.  <strong>She gets her night out, her bridesmaids aren't responsible for the planning or the cost, and they can still have fun together. </strong>
Posted by cosmogirlWed144626[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I did too, which is why I've taken on everything for the shower.</div><div>
</div><div>She'll plan this, but she's not going to pay for anything.  I'm sure we'll all end up paying for ourselves and spliting the cost of the bride.</div><div>
</div>

Snippylynn

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-this-rude-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5214bad3-fa7d-4345-ab26-7484525f311bPost:68e7f3e9-d075-4f8b-bab7-29e52209e0e5">Re: Is this rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]I feel bad for the bride whose supposed closest friends can't contribute a few hours of their time for her shower preparation.  I know that bridesmaids aren't legally required to host or contribute to a shower, but I don't understand why they can't help out a little.  If the bride wants to organize a girls' night out before her wedding, she's perfectly able to do so.  She gets her night out, her bridesmaids aren't responsible for the planning or the cost, and they can still have fun together. 
Posted by cosmogirlWed144626[/QUOTE]
I didn't get a shower or a bach party. Somehow, I ended up still married at the end of the day. <div>
</div><div>It's a bummer for sure, but people have lives, yo. Theirs doesn't end because of a brides expectations.</div>

RebeccaB88

I think you're being very generous to handle her shower for her, and very gracious about it as well.  More gracious than the bride is being, unfortunately.

I would just tell her that you're honored to throw her shower, but you aren't able to do both that and the bachelorette party, and since you aren't able to attend the bachelorette, you'll let the other bridesmaids take over there. Then if she throws a party for herself, she will have to deal with it when no one shows up.

melb2013

She's planning the bachelorette party for the same day as the shower... We'll be driving to her area (about 4 hours away) for that day and staying over at her house.  No way to skip it.  Blahhhh I have to suck it up!

HandBanana

Based on your last sentence, she threw herself a shower? If that is true, I don't think there is anything you can say without ending up in drama town. I am not a good person for advice on this because I would step in and throw it to try to keep the bride from looking bad. This is not the right thing to do. PP are right.

Snippylynn

Nope! You have pressing business that night. Like trimming your toenails.

HandBanana

In Response to Re:Is this rude?:[QUOTE]Send her here we'll set her straight. You're completely right that if no one offers you don't get these parties, but I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't have been disappointed if no one offered to throw me either. Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]

I tried this with a bride. Either she didn't post here or she posted and only listened to that one poster that comes in and says "it is your day! Do what you want!"

Habs2Hart

At least you are staying at her house, so the cost isn't outrageous.

Can you do something at her place for it?

My SIL had 'bring your favourite martini" night and each girl brought stuff to make their favourite and we drank martini's, sang karaoke and had a great time.  It's pretty cheap to do.  If you can plan something that's not going to cost anything, maybe you can throw it for her.  I dunno.

She is a wee bit entitled to want to plan a party that everyone else but her pays for.

HandBanana

In Response to Re:Is this rude?:[QUOTE]She's planning the bachelorette party for the same day as the shower... We'll be driving to her area about 4 hours away for that day and staying over at her house. nbsp;No way to skip it. nbsp;Blahhhh I have to suck it up! Posted by melb2013[/QUOTE]

I think you are getting a migraine. Food poisoning? Severe cold? cough cough

Meegles4

I don't think it's rude to expect these parties as the bride, b/c I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't have been bummed had my friends/family not stepped up. But to offer to throw them herself, or put other people in a position where they feel forced to throw them is tacky.

I agree with PPs that it sucks most of her BMs seem to be flaking out for various (and likely valid) reasons. I can totally understand you not wanting to take on the b-party after everything that is happening with the shower.

To dissuade the bride, why don't you just suggest you and her go out for dinner to celebrate whenever she brings up the whole b-party thing. You could even say something like, "I'd love to do something to celebrate but don't know if I can afford a big party. Why don't you and I just celebrate with dinner and drinks. My treat!" You could even contact BM B and ask her if she could afford to do something like this and then the three of you (you, B, and bride) go out and you and B split the bride's dinner and some drinks.

I don't know if your friend would get the hint this way that throwing something herself is stupid, and yes, you'd still be responsible for covering some costs, but it'd be much less than trying to cover and host a huge party.

ETA: I also like Habs' idea of trying to do something low-key at home.

melb2013

Thanks, ladies!  Lot's of good advice!  I'll have to decide how I want to handle this.  I think I'll wait and see how things pan out on their own before I do anything.  Honestly, if she had waited for somebody to offer to throw her these parties, people may have offered, but she's just stepping in and doing it all herself without anyone offering.  Heck, I may have offered to throw this for her had I not been pressured into doing so much (all alone) for the shower.

HandBanana

When is their wedding?

melb2013

October... but the shower and bachelorette party are planned for late August.

HandBanana

That's not too bad but it sounds like she did jump the gun and start planning a little early.

amymaysa

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-this-rude-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5214bad3-fa7d-4345-ab26-7484525f311bPost:68e7f3e9-d075-4f8b-bab7-29e52209e0e5">Re: Is this rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I feel bad for the bride whose supposed closest friends can't contribute a few hours of their time for her shower preparation</strong>.  I know that bridesmaids aren't legally required to host or contribute to a shower, but I don't understand why they can't help out a little.  If the bride wants to organize a girls' night out before her wedding, she's perfectly able to do so.  She gets her night out, her bridesmaids aren't responsible for the planning or the cost, and they can still have fun together. 
Posted by cosmogirlWed144626[/QUOTE]


It's not just time, it's money. What if someone can't afford to chip in or pay to fly in from cross country? Does that make them a bad friend.

I do agree that your friend sounds a wee bit entitled. Sounds like you go some great advice.

Good luck!

seesawgirl

I think where she messed up (besides trying to throw the parties herself) is expecting the BMs to make 2 flights, and reserve two separate weekends- one for the parties, and another for the wedding. If I were in this situation, I would just explain the logistics of them making two cross country trips, and try to arrange a dinner and drinks type of celebration the night before the wedding. Like PP's have said, I too would be disappointed if my friends didn't offer, but I'm not the type that expects a huge shebang. We went to my MOH's family lake house and grilled out, drank, and smoked hookah. It was fantastic, and a great way to relax just taking a time out from all the wedding planning.

lauraanne9

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-this-rude-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5214bad3-fa7d-4345-ab26-7484525f311bPost:9b761a78-618b-41b8-a607-d46761a71bf4">Re: Is this rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is this rude? : I didn't get a shower or a bach party. Somehow, I ended up still married at the end of the day.  It's a bummer for sure, but people have lives, yo. Theirs doesn't end because of a brides expectations.
Posted by Snippylynn[/QUOTE]

<div>I am also not having either.  My MOH is 10 (she is my step daughter...well, will be in September).  So, I guess I could start saying somthing about not getting the parties...but who would throw them?  My fiance's ex?  THAT would be fun, LOL.</div><div>
</div><div>So, I am letting it go.  The wedding is in a different state so who knows if people have stuff planned for me here, but the night before the wedding, I am on my own.  And it is fine.</div>

TheSlowskys

Completely agree. I'm kind of sick of the canned response all the bridesmaids have to do is show up. The friend does sound a bit entitled, but I would be so hurt if my friends didn't care enough to throw me a shower and bachelorette. I understand money can be an issue but at least something small for both. I worked overtime for months to throw my sister an amazing shower and bachelorette when the other bridesmaids couldn't chip in much, and I would have done the same for any of my friends. My sister didn't ask for or expect anything but I know it meant a lot to her. Getting married is a big deal and something you hopefully only do once. Also the other maids sound like they suck by backing out and not contributing anything. If you try and get out of a bachelorette ask yourself if you even really value her as a friend. Let her know you are on a tight budget, come up with a couple options and let her pick. It doesn't have to be huge even if it is just dinner out and a couple bars. Very few bachelorettes I've been to have cost more than 200 even for whole weekend trips.

melb2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-this-rude-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5214bad3-fa7d-4345-ab26-7484525f311bPost:7320c3ee-1646-4b21-a7af-6358eb94bfe4">Re: Is this rude?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think where she messed up (besides trying to throw the parties herself) is expecting the BMs to make 2 flights, and reserve two separate weekends- one for the parties, and another for the wedding. If I were in this situation, I would just explain the logistics of them making two cross country trips, and try to arrange a dinner and drinks type of celebration the night before the wedding. Like PP's have said, I too would be disappointed if my friends didn't offer, but I'm not the type that expects a huge shebang. We went to my MOH's family lake house and grilled out, drank, and smoked hookah. It was fantastic, and a great way to relax just taking a time out from all the wedding planning.
Posted by seesawgirl[/QUOTE]

<div>The shower and bachelorette party are on the same day... I never said they were two different weekends.  Two of bridesmaids still can't come though.</div>

Mrw218

Getting married is a big deal. Having parties extraneous to the ceremony is not. I would be hurt and disappointed absolutely but if ppl can't do it they can't. She should have considered her choices in BMs also. One is in cali so pretty much AWOL before wedding is expected. Other is prego, enough said. That leaves 2 and chances are if the other is flaking this isn't the first time. But bc the one is a flake does not make it the OPs obligation to foot the whole bill and plan it all. She can pay for her part. She can help bride plan but anything beyond that is absurd depending on type of party she is looking for.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Can you say, "Hey, I'm really sorry, because I know you wanted a great bachelorette, but unfortunately, I can't really swing another party. Do you want to invite C, X, Y and Z to my house and just watch movies and have some wine? I can probably order a pizza or make some appetizers for us."

Would something like that work? Then you don't have to pay for/plan a huge thing, and you're communicating that this is really the only B-party she can have.

leah51

I don't find it rude for her to want a shower and a bach party.  One thing that I have done when agreeing to be a BM was think about all the cost.  Dress, shoes, accessories, hair, parties, and time.  I have had to tell two close friends that I would not be able to be a BM because of cost.  I then offered and spent lots of time helping them every step of the way just as if I were standing next to her. And my friends were able to understand my not being in the wedding due to cost and more that appreciated my being there for them.  

 Two of the weddings I was in showers were thrown by the BM's and those who could not attend for whatever reason sent money to help with the cost.  It's totally not fair for the other BM's to leave this all on you.  Did you say anything to them about this?  I think it will be way too much for you to do or have done both alone and I would have been pretty pissed it it were me.  But I too would have stepped up to the plate and done at least one to make sure everything  wasspecial for my friend.  (Both no way)  But the bach party could have been really low key and included a night out with just a few ladies and even went along with an explanation if you felt necessary. If the cost is getting too much you need to say something...nothing can change or be dealt with if the other person/people involved don't know.     

I admire your friend for knowing what she wants and even willing to plan it herself to make sure she has it.  I don't feel how that is in bad taste.  However, most of the time these type of pre-wedding parties are usually thrown by the bridal party and or family.  To me It seems like your friend is not filled with drama talk to her and go from there or leave it as it is.

Good luck!