Wedding Etiquette Forum

Question

..
Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml

Re: Question

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-23?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:523c7027-0a2d-481f-b7fb-547af4f965c8Post:7451070e-83da-44f1-8e72-14cef4891a37">Question</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hi All, I have been engaged for about 4+ months and recently started the real planning. I am currently a BM in another wedding and have heard alot of smack talked about that bride as far as what she is and isn't doing for bmaids and guests etc.  I don't want to be an inconsiderate bride i.e. require my girls to wear expensive dresses, or be uncomfortable or stressed.. my MOH keeps telling me that I am being too considerate and that its my wedding so I should pick the things I want....where is the happy medium for honoring your BMs vs. stressing them out?  How did you all pick BMs dresses? What transportation/hotel etc did you provide if any for your BMs or what is appropriate? (All of my BMs will be traveling over 1 hr for my wedding.) One girl who is a BM in the wedding coming up is also my BM and she keeps telling me how she never wants to be in a wedding again b/c the other bride is so inconsiderate and it is so expensive. Is she venting to me because we are so close or is she trying to tell me something? Any advice welcome on what I should do as a hostess of an out of town wedding for my bridal party and guests who are traveling! Thanks! :)
    Posted by sioshan[/QUOTE]


    The very first thing you should do is talk to each BM individually (because they might not want to discuss personal issues in front of other people) and get a sense of what their budget is for the dress, what they feel most comfortable paying.  Then you can go from there with dress shopping and getting ideas in an agreed price range. 

    Second - do not expect your BM's to do anything but buy the dress and show up.  Happily accept help from them if they offer, but do not expect, or get upset if they don't offer or coming running your way every time something wedding related comes up.

    Third - Make sure that your wedding is not all you talk about with your BM's over the course of planning.  It is a very exciting time to get married, but don't make the friendship all about your wedding.  Remember that they have lives outside of your wedding and make sure you show interest in it.

    Lastly - the fact that you care enough to make sure you aren't going to offend anyone probably means you aren't going to have any problems.  So just relax and make planning enjoyable.  Remember that at the end of the day you will be married and having friends that love you (and still like you) on your wedding day will make it that much more enjoyable. 

    Best of luck! 
  • Find out their budgets, as the other girls have said, and then make decisions about dresses.  I picked dresses that were too expensive, but offered to cover the difference.  The girls declined, but I think that's because they're getting their hair done free and didn't have to budget for that (FI's cousin is doing it for us).  I picked a designer, fabric and color and let them choose the style of dress.

    I have two in-town BMs (in Maryland) and the others are in Massachusetts, Connecticut, Virginia, and Calgary, Canada.  They've each been invited to showers and bach parties, but I made it clear that there's no need for them to travel if it's an inconvenience.

    Regarding accommodations for the wedding, they're on their own for flights and hotel.  None of them are hard-up for money, but if they were I'd have tried to help them out.

    I'm doing a guest shuttle from the hotel to the reception and back, and have offered to pick up the girls at the airport as long as I'm around to do it (leaving for the honeymoon the Monday after my wedding, so if anyone is flying out the Sunday immediately following, I can chauffeur.

    I'm not requiring anything about shoes except they be silver; no specifications for jewelry or hair.  Even though hair is free, they don't have to get it done.  Makeup isn't free, and they don't have to do that either.
    image
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-23?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:523c7027-0a2d-481f-b7fb-547af4f965c8Post:ff15b275-4b64-49be-a4b0-eeedaa8a8c50">Re: Question</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Question : The very first thing you should do is talk to each BM individually (because they might not want to discuss personal issues in front of other people) and get a sense of what their budget is for the dress, what they feel most comfortable paying.  Then you can go from there with dress shopping and getting ideas in an agreed price range.  Second - do not expect your BM's to do anything but buy the dress and show up.  Happily accept help from them if they offer, but do not expect, or get upset if they don't offer or coming running your way every time something wedding related comes up. Third - Make sure that your wedding is not all you talk about with your BM's over the course of planning.  It is a very exciting time to get married, but don't make the friendship all about your wedding.  Remember that they have lives outside of your wedding and make sure you show interest in it. Lastly - the fact that you care enough to make sure you aren't going to offend anyone probably means you aren't going to have any problems.  So just relax and make planning enjoyable.  Remember that at the end of the day you will be married and having friends that love you (and still like you) on your wedding day will make it that much more enjoyable.  Best of luck! 
    Posted by Stackeye210[/QUOTE]

    Ditto this. Good luck!
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • I would consult with your bridesmaids about their budget concerns.  I personally think it's okay to make your bridesmaids wear the same dress, but make sure it is universally flattering ( I chose an a-line that all my girls tried on and looked great in) and take their opinions into consideration.  If not, have them wear the same fabric/color in whatever style they please.  I would recommend not having them wear matching shoes or require them to shell out for pricey hair or nails.  Honestly, no one notices the shoes (or at least I don't!). 

    I am the same as beachy.  I didn't pay for transportation or hotel costs for my girls.  I got a block of rooms at discount, but most of my BMs stayed with a local BM.  I think people understand the cost of attending a wedding.  I also personally think limos are overrated.  If you are concerned about safety (after drinking) it would be nice to provide transportation, but it is not neccessary. 
    White Knot Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • I saw a great line on someone's signature and it really resonated with "Use things, Love People, don't mix that up" - it really applies with wedding planning [Thank you to whoever that was!].  Remember that after you get married - you will want to be friends with those who you love in your life.  Remember that their lives do not revolve around your wedding - the only people who have to help out with your wedding is you and your FI.

    Good luck!

    - I asked the ladies to wear a black dress that made them look and feel fabulous in
    - they got to pick out what flowers they wanted to carry (white flowers)
    - I'm paying for their hair
    - my MOH is doing everyone's makeup (she moonlights as a makeup artist in her spare time)
    - Not providing accommodations but my stepdad has rented a couple of classic cars to take the WP to pictures (as long as the dads get to be the drivers!)
  • Thanks ladies.

    My intention is to ask my girls to all purchase the same dress. I have been looking at dresses with my MOH and on line and discussing what styles would work for all the girls. (They are all gorgeous and would look beautiful in anything!! They are all thin as well but some are busty; some shorties and two very tall girls.) But I was thinking my MOH and I would narrow it down to a few dresses then have all the girls try them on and give an opinion and then we'd get what was best for everyone. I am definitely going to ask about budget beforehand privately- was already thinking that. 

    I also plan to provide a shuttle to/from reception & hotel where I reserve a block of rooms. I am originally from NY so are all my BMs and most guests but I am getting married in NJ where my fiance and I live now.  So I feel it is my responsibility to provide safe transportation for my guests esp since we have an open bar.

    Bride whose wedding I was referring to in original post has block of rooms and many out of town guests...(I am one of them.) She called the other BM and told her that she cannot take the shuttle she is providing because she is not staying at the hotel...Shouldn't a bride provide transport for a BM..she is taking us to the recpt. in a limo--so how should the other BM get home? Or am I too concerned about providing for my BMs?
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • If a bride is providing transport to the wedding, she should arrange transport home for the WP, IMO.  I believe all of our WP are staying at the hotel, so it's not really an issue for us.

    Good luck finding a dress they all like; that's why I went with different dresses.  I don't think one dress would have looked good on all my girls.
    image
  • While it is "your day", you want others to be happy for you as well. If I was in an ugly dress, or feeling uncomfortable, I don't know how happy for you I could be... so it's nice to value the opinions of your BMS.

    As far as dreses go... I found about 12-15 dresses I liked that were all within the price range of my BMs (which I had asked them before individually). My original plan was for all girls to have same color but they could pick which dress they wanted out of the bunch. When we went for them to go try them on they all saw 1 dress on one BM and decided they all liked it. It was a dress I had picked out BUT they all had other options (the only similarity of the dresses was the same length... but they all had different straps or none at all, and different waist bands, if any, etc. So all body types could find a dress that suited them well) so in the end, it was a win-win situation for everyone!

    As far as lodging... I have offered to accomodate the girls in a hotel room the night before the wedding but that's mainly because I'm selfish and don't want to be alone the night before (since I know I won't be sleeping much) but they all live within a half hour of the site so it's up to them to do whatever they'd like for after. I'm already giving nice gifts and I'm on a budget so I think I'm being reasonable.

    I haven't talked about transportation yet, but I may get us a ride from the hotel to the church and then some of the girls already said they'd be going home with their SO at the end of the night so I'll figure it out later. -- If the bride provides transportation to the venue, she should know how the BMs are getting home. (I'll eventually have it figured out for my girls, but I still have time)

    And consult the mutual BM in case she honestly is trying to tell you something. I don't think she is, she's just stressing out, but I don't know what kind of person she is soooo it's worth a shot to have some one-on-one time to talk to her about it
    image
  • I think PPs have given you great advice (particularly dresses/attire), I have just a couple things to add (from my experience as a BM earlier this year).

    My friend had 3 showers and I was told (as in, not asked) for each shower what I was responsible for buying/doing (except the 3rd, I declined that one because I was getting low on funds!) AND made to feel like I had to bring a gift to each one.  I told all my BMs straight up that it's nice if they can/want to come to a(ny) showers but not to feel obligated to buy presents or spend money on stuff.  I reiterated to my MOH a few times to make sure they know I'm serious :)

    Second was the bach party.  It got crazy out of control!  I love the bride, but she insisted on a weekend out of town, it was poorly planned, the cost was huge, I ended up not going :(    I told my girls again, let's just have some fun, I don't want anyone to break the bank or have to dish out a lot of $$ - I just want some quality ladies time/partying!

    After coming on TK I have been so conscious of not being "that bride" - I just want this to be a great experience to share with my nearest and dearest!  It sounds like you're off to a great start, I think your BMs will love you for it!  (esp the one that made those comments to you!)
  • <p>In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-23?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:523c7027-0a2d-481f-b7fb-547af4f965c8Post:7451070e-83da-44f1-8e72-14cef4891a37">Question</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hi All, I have been engaged for about 4+ months and recently started the real planning. I am currently a BM in another wedding and have heard alot of smack talked about that bride as far as what she is and isn't doing for bmaids and guests etc.  I don't want to be an inconsiderate bride i.e. require my girls to wear expensive dresses, or be uncomfortable or stressed.. my MOH keeps telling me that I am being too considerate and that its my wedding so I should pick the things I want....where is the happy medium for honoring your BMs vs. stressing them out?  How did you all pick BMs dresses? What transportation/hotel etc did you provide if any for your BMs or what is appropriate? (All of my BMs will be traveling over 1 hr for my wedding.) One girl who is a BM in the wedding coming up is also my BM and she keeps telling me how she never wants to be in a wedding again b/c the other bride is so inconsiderate and it is so expensive. Is she venting to me because we are so close or is she trying to tell me something? Any advice welcome on what I should do as a hostess of an out of town wedding for my bridal party and guests who are traveling! Thanks! :)
    Posted by sioshan[/QUOTE]

    You can start by picking out reasonably priced dresses. I found some at David's Bridal for a little over $100 bucks and am letting them pick their hairdo's and where they are getting their shoes. My venue is within 30 miles of most of us except 1 or 2 of my bridesmaids and so what I am going to ask them is if they would like to all go in on a hotel room with me the night before the wedding so we can all get up in the morning and be close to the venue. That way we can go decorate and get things ready together without having to worry about a 30 minute trip before hand.</p>
    <p>When it comes to Bridesmaids always ask yourself what you would or wouldn't want to do for someone elses big day without putting yourself out financially. I think your friend who was complaining about the other bride was more so confiding in you about how she feels but she could also be dropping hints of what she really doesnt wanna deal with concerning any other weddings.</p>
    Wedding Countdown Ticker Photobucket
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards