MOH Selection - will it hurt her feelings or be a relief?

jaydee12

Okay so first of all I am kind of an alternative bride, not big on attendands, flower girls, sit down dinners, ballrooms, etc.

However, my fiance wants to have his brother as best man, which means I have to pick at maid of honor.  The obvious choice would be my best gal pal of 4 years and travel buddy, who also gets along great with my fiance and even gave the "ring approval". (*important note: I also work with her too). We already spend a lot of time together with work, traveling a few times a year, hanging out in general...

But we were both bridesmaids to really intense bridezillas 2 summers ago, I was in 1 wedding, she was in 3.  She was maid of honor in 1 and bridesmaid in the other 2.  It was awful for both of us, a ton of money, rediculous demands, and the friends call every 6 months now and barely make an effort.  Believe me we have spent plenty of time complaining and saying NEVER AGAIN. Being a bridesmaid is often the kiss of death to a friendship.  Which I definitely don't want to happen with us...but my fiance says she is the obvious choice.

Most of my growing up pals that have been friends since 13 all live around the country and so choosing one of them would not be fair, because they all live in other states...

And I am a little embarassed to admit, I do want the bridal showers and parties, help choosing flowers and cake, someone who will be excited about the wedding with me.  So, I was thinking about asking my sister-in-law (my brother's wife) instead...she is really big on all the family party, shower, renunion stuff - although we are not close and she lives 2 hours away.

How is that for harboring a secret bridezilla - I want someone who will do everything I hated doing without hating me for it! 

Should I choose the friend and pay for/plan everything for her so she won't think I am awful or choose the sister-in-law of 10 years that I barely know?

andy71781

You don't have to have an MOH - if you are going to have one you don't have to make her plan anything wedding related.  If she wants to throw you a shower - she'll do it. 

Habs2Hart

What your post sounds like:

I love my best friend and she's an obvious choice for my MOH, but my SIL who I don't know would likely throw me parties and help me out more, so I'm thinking about picking her even though she lives 2 hrs away and I don't know her too well. 

Don't pick parties over your friend.

Brandiewine11

You don't have to have one. If you do, you should choose someone who you want to stand with you because you are friends...not because of what they will do for you. By the way, no one is required to throw you a party, and you should definitely NOT plan your own parties.

The only duty of your MOH or BMs is to show up in the right dress on the day. That is all. If they want to do more, they will but its not required that they help you pick out stuff or throw you showers, etc.

Celles

I don't know how you could even think about replacing your best friend with someone you barely know, just because you think the latter will throw the better party. I would trade all of the pre-wedding parties in the world for my best friend. I would probably even trade my husband for her. Your question makes me sad.

jessicabessica

I agree with PPs that you are going about this the wrong way.  Wouldn't the best thing for your friendship be to say, "Liz, I love you and you are my best friend, so I want to know if you'll stand up with me at my wedding as my maid of honor.  I know we've weathered some crappy weddings together as bridesmaids, so I just wanted to let you know that whatever you want to do is fine, the most important thing to me is that you'll be there with me." 

By the way, wedding party members don't have to throw you prewedding parties--it's not an obligation, and other people might offer anyway.  I don't have a wedding party, and I had a lovely shower that my aunt threw for me. 

aragx6

I think the OP seems to be hesitating on asking her friend to be MOH because it's been such a heinous experience in the past.

The solution is easy. Pick your best friend and don't act like an ass hat bridezilla. Loads of people are still just as close (if not closer) with their MOH after the wedding.

It sounds like it wasn't buying one dress or planning one party that made you both hate your prior MOH experiences -- it was a culmination of exhorbitant expenses and ungracious demands. Don't do that and you'll be fine.

Alternatively, there is no reason you have to have MOH just because your Fi is having a best man. If you really don't want one, don't do it. And don't pick someone you're not close to simply because you think she'll plan stuff for you. You'll probably only end up disappointed.

noodle_oo

If your best friend is really your best friend, choose her.  I think it will hurt her feelings if you don't choose her.  It won't be an awful experience if you love her and dont' treat her like crap.

HOWEVER:  that also means you shoudln't expect too much from her.  Sure you watn the parties, but you can't force her to do them for you (or plan them yourself, which will make her feel like crap and is bad etiquette anyway).  Choose her because you love her and want her to stand with you.  Not because you want her to throw you showers and b-parties.

Choosing your SIL you aren't close with just to throw you parties is a jerk move and I think you know it.

libbyloutoo

What they all said
Talk to your friend and tell her you really want her by your side on the big day, BUT you completely understand if she's not comfortable being a MOH due to past experiences.
And then don't be a jerk and expect her to throw you a bunch of parties.  If she wants to then great.

Or just don't have a MOH

elizabethjane25

i would talk to your best friend about it. tell her that you would love to have her in your wedding, but you know how she felt after the last few weddings and you will completely understand if she doesn't want to do it. give her the chance to say yes or no, do NOT assume! (trust me, i went through something similar and ended up having a friend with hurt feelings)

you do not have to have a bridal party if you don't want one though!! 

jaydee12

Okay - hold on here.  I am not choosing my sister in law to throw me a better party.  My best pal and I are both non-profit execs and event planning is part of our job.  She would throw me a KICK ASS party - but she can't afford it and won't be happy to do it... I don't want to be unfair in my expectations and build any sort of resentment into our friendship (or financial burdens) on my part or hers.  We both vowed after that summer that if we ever got married and had any attendants that we would pay for their dresses, hotel rooms, hair & makeup if professionally required etc. And not guilt our friends into shelling out tons of money for bachlorette parties, showers, etc. (We kept track an we each shelled out over $1500 per wedding - WITHOUT gifts)

What I am REALLY SAYING is - My best friend means so much to me that I would let her off the hook and find someone who WANTS to do that stuff or do it myself because I don't want to damage our relationship by treating her in a way that we both; 1) have already been treated too, 2) have discussed at length in a VERY negative way and remember painfully, 3) have basically ended other friendships over and 4) BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND AND RESPECT HER FEELINGS ON THE MATTER

sparklesf611

I see what you are saying about wanting to spare your best friend the expense and have a few thoughts:

1) you should definitely ask your best friend to be a maid of honor b/c you will want her around ut just try not to be high maintenance about hair, clothes, shoes, makeup, etc.  If your friend does throw you a shower, keep the guest list small (i even was a bm for a shower that was a picnic ).  If she throws you a bach, try not to be demanding .
2) you could still ask the FSIL to be a bm or co-maid of honor if you really want to and if you think that she is genuinely excited for you but it sounds like you don't really want to/don't really know her...just wanted to remind you it's not an either-or scenario but your question suggests you want your best friend there.

jaydee12

You are right - guess I just needed to work through that.  I will just ask her and see what she says and then remember that summer every time I feel like I want to be demanding.

sarah0725

I think I read this a little differently than everyone else did, and I sympathize with what you're saying. First of all, I think you should ask your friend to be the MOH. It will be meaningful to both of you, and you guys can start right from the bat talking about how this is going to be different from either of your previous experiences, and you're right in thinking that you need to keep your past experiences at the forefront of your mind. Remember that you two probably didn't care about the weddings of those bridezillas anywhere near as much as they did, and keep that in mind when you ask your friend to get excited about flowers or cake. Hell, I'm the bride, and I don't even care about my own flowers or cake.

Another thing: I kinda believe that if you make the right decisions picking people to be in your wedding, things will work out the way they're supposed to. I asked my only sister to be my MOH. She's always been shy, has never planned a party in her life, hates wearing dresses, generally hates formal occasions... but she has so totally come out of her shell and thrown herself into this, and all of her own doing. I think we're closer now than we've ever been, and we were pretty close even before the wedding. And if my sister had somehow decided not to throw a shower, there were two friends of FMIL who were chomping at the bit to do it - I practically had to beat them off with a stick while I was waiting for my sister to decide to bring it up. So maybe if your MOH friend doesn't throw a shower, your party-loving SIL will step in anyway. Things will happen.

And pre-wedding parties don't have to be expensive. We're having my shower in a nature center in my hometown (my sister and mom are on the environmental commission) and my sister and I will be DIY-ing all the food the day before and the morning of the shower. Technically the bride is not supposed to be involved in doing anything for the shower, but I kinda think that's between you and your MOH. Let her decide to bring it up and let her plan it, but if it makes you feel better to offer yourself as a work slave, nobody has to know but you two.

jaydee12

Thank you so much sarah0725 - FINALLY someone understands where I am coming from.  I really appreciate your thoughts and totally agree that if she wants to be MOH and doesn't want to do the shower my family will or needs my help then she will get it - I don't really care about the "incorrectness" of helping out a friend in need even if it is for my shower.

Thanks again!