Wedding Etiquette Forum

Guest Question regarding children

Thankfully I still have several months to figure this all out, but I guess because I'm kind of on a planning break, (just booked venues) I've been spending probably waaaay too much time on here.

Anyway, a majority of my local guests do not have children, or they have infants, so if I included kids on their invitations it would be no big deal, and I am planning on a flower girl and ring bearer. I personally enjoy having kids at weddings, they can add extra charm and they are usually the first ones to tear it up on the dance floor. 

Here's the dilemma, all of my Oot guests are extended family, and by extended family I mean Aunts, Uncles, and Cousins with their spouses - All of them are married. Both sets of my grandparents have passed away. Because all of my cousins are married, they all have at least 1 child but I have no idea how many and this could make numbers really high causing me to not invite people I would prefer there to some relatives. I'm also not nearly as close with them as my church family and friends. If I invited all of them and all of their kids, that would mean that I'd have to bump off some people who are very important to me. We are already cutting costs in other areas so we can accomodate more people than initially planned. 

After discussing with my mother, we both agreed it would be appropriate to invite all of my Aunts and Uncles, and only a few cousins I actually have a relationship with outside of my parents and FB, but is it possible to invite children on a case by case basis? As in address invitations to parents, and if they RSVP, or have concerns about their kids, I was thinking of calling them to tell them they are welcome to bring their children? Especially if them not being ablt to bring their kids is a dealbreaker. I'm a huge fan of verbally communication with my guests.

Re: Guest Question regarding children

  • Personally, if I'm not close enough to someone to even know HOW MANY children they have (less yet names and approximate ages) I'm not close enough to them to invite them to my wedding.

    It's totally fine to invite some kids and not others.  You might catch some flack because it seems like you're doing it a little backwards from how most do it (i.e. most do family only or OOT only and it seems like you're wanting to do local friends only), but it's your right to decide who you want to invite.  Definitely ditto sparkly though - decide who you're inviting and stick to it; don't reward poor etiquette.

    Seriously, though.  re-think if you even want to invite these cousins.  Presumably you have no kid concerns with the aunts/uncles.  Pick the cousins you want to invite and if you really want them there I'd include their kids (since they're OOT and you will have other kids - you don't HAVE to, it's just what I would do)
  • Ok, thanks ladies, the advice you've given me is valuable! If I'm inviting out of towners, then I'll definately include the children because it would be tough asking them to find baby-sitters or worse asking them to leave the kids back home. I do love my family, and I wish I can invite all of them but the reality of the situation is that they really haven't taken the time to get to know my fi or I, but I guess it also kind of goes both ways, guess that's what happens when you live in different states and have your own lives. I like the fact that I can choose which children to invite and which ones to think twice about. I think with my new plan of how to go about inviting family, I may be able to accomodate all kids, but we'll see.

    I have talked with my mother and we both agreed with the family I decided to invite, and the cousins I decided to include, I know exactly how many children they have and the other cousin I'm pretty sure will have an infant by the time of my wedding. I do want to clarify that they don't have other kids I don't know about. Either way I can make sure to accomodate them. As for other family, they will be near the top of the guest list B, but we'll see. I don't think they'd be hurt if they didn't receive an invite, since we don't really talk anyway.
  • We were in a similar position, and we aren't including cousin's kids.  I worry more about the cousin who is offended their kids weren't invited but another cousin's kids were.  A parent never wants to hear their children aren't well behaved what not.  If you are picking and choosing of equal relation who to invite, be prepared to answer questions.  I for one and purposefully avoiding it all together.  I wouldn't worry about parents being invited without their children, as my sister who has two kids says, sometimes parents want a weekend away to have fun and not have to entertain their children.
  • "No B list invites. It is rude and everyone always finds out. The A-list people don't want to have to RSVP early, and the B list people will know they were B-listed when their invitations come late and close to the RSVP date. It is better not to be invited at all."

    OK, that answers that question, I haven't asked yet lol! What if you plan on sending out both invitations the furthest in advanced that's allowable, and as soon as you hear a no response you send out the top of the B-list and so on and the last invite sent still has plenty of time to respond? I personally do not care if I'm B-listed on someone's invite list if I'm not super close with them, but have a good relationship and see then as a pretty good friend. I personally see B-lists as rude only if it's blatenly obvious they are on the B-list because have very little response time. Or it's a word of mouth invite. But I'll double check my lists anyway to make sure everyone that I want there is on the A-list.

    "We were in a similar position, and we aren't including cousin's kids. I worry more about the cousin who is offended their kids weren't invited but another cousin's kids were. "
    Not sure I clarified or not, but if in fact I do invite my cousins, I will invite their children, I may exclude local friends kids, the flower girl and ring bearer being the exception. I'm thinking I already know which cousins and their families I want to include in addition to aunts and uncles and it looks like it won't be the mass amount of children I was dreading.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-question-regarding-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:52d8cea7-25d4-43d2-86c7-06054acaea88Post:c114c1ba-0d9c-48ab-9df8-f23ba7c915de">Re: Guest Question regarding children</a>:
    [QUOTE]"What if you plan on sending out both invitations the furthest in advanced that's allowable, and as soon as you hear a no response you send out the top of the B-list and so on and the last invite sent still has plenty of time to respond? Posted by Amyzen83[/QUOTE]

    Still no.  B-lists of any kind are rude.  Make sure your list has everyone you want on it and send out one round of invitations.

    FWIW - I invited my coworkers kind of late.  Still totally within the acceptable invitation range, but hadn't mentioned the wedding to them or sent STDs.  Not because they were b-listed, just b/c i hadn't decided how to work around office politics if I even wanted to invite any.  Only 2 of 12 actually came and I presume it was because of the short notice (or they felt b-listed, though I hope not!).  Better to just make sure everyone you want to invite knows they're invited from day one.
  • Ok, good to know, thanks for sharing your experience btw. I'm going to have to re-evaluate my invite list...
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