Wedding Etiquette Forum

Destination Wedding Question - kinda long!

We are having a destination wedding and are inviting 150 people.  Everyone is of course invited to the ceremony and reception at the resort, but there are more people not coming than are...which we completely understand (we are getting married in May on my grandparents anniversary, so I can see why people might not be able to get off work/kids are still in school).  Many family members from both sides have requested we to throw a "reception" when we get back and have our WP and everyone dress up again.  I have asked the WP if they would care if we did this a week or so after the actual wedding and they think it's a great idea.  I was planning on inviting the same exact people that we invited to the ceremony, so there's no issue of, "I wasn't invited to the wedding and was invited to the reception."  What do you guys think and have you ever heard of this?  Like literally, we were thinking do a whole dancing and food reception and when we send out invites, make sure both dates were on them (wedding and additional reception).  BTW, we are having a dinner and dance after the ceremony, but since there's only going to be about 50 people there, it will not be as big! Thanks for the NICE, OPEN MINDED answers! Ohh and the groom's mom wants us to even play the wedding DVD for those who couldn't make it!
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Re: Destination Wedding Question - kinda long!

  • Simply FatedSimply Fated member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    "Thanks for the NICE, OPEN MINDED answers!" Are you seriously all ready set to defend yourself against any opposing viewpoints? I read your post with an open mind and I'm not going to validate you. I think when you decide to have a destination wedding, then that's a choice you make. If you want more people to be able to come, then have it closer to home.
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  • I have been to a similar reception here when the bride and groom went to the beach to get married and it was just immediate family members.  They also played a slideshow of pictures from the wedding and used pictures and frames for favors.  I think having a reception close to home is a great idea plus you're getting more out of your dresses :)  With so many people not able to make it that should make everyone feel included in your celebration.
  • I don't see what the big deal is. You INVITED everybody. I'm sure they'd all love to come celebrate with you since they were not able to come to the wedding.

    If they have a problem with it, they don't have to come.

    I don't think it's gift grabby unless you put gift registering crap in with the invitation (which I think is wrong in ANY wedding situation)
  • Do what you want... I don't think anyone will complain about seeiing you in your wedding dress. If they do, whatever
  • Some people choose to have a JOP wedding because they don't want a big wedding and all the stuff that comes along with it. Others want a big wedding but have JOP wedding due to military, legal, or medical reasons and then later throw a big wedding reception that usually includes a vow renewal so everyone who's important to them can celebrate their union and love. 

    Times have changed and so have the rules.  The new rule is it's acceptable to have one big wedding celebration per couple. Out of your guest list about 5% or less will be present at the initial ceremony. Also traditions that take place at the JOP or destination wedding shouldn't be repeated. So if the couple already exchanged rings then they wouldn't again since it'd be fake but if they never had a dance with their parents it's acceptable and so on. Also you should only have a literal WP at one event since it'd be rude to expect people to repeat the process. There's an exception though if you wore a traditional wedding dress to your initial ceremony and you want to wear it again feel free to do so since the celebration is about your wedding and your loved ones want to see you in it.  For those women who don't wear a wedding dress to their JOP wedding, they're free to wear one too.

    To add, the couples I've known that did this didn't register for gifts since they wanted to make it clear it wasn't about getting wedding presents it was about having their loved ones' presence. Nonetheless, at these weddings most people, myself included, brought gifts like we'd normally do for other couples.

    With that being said, I understand that only a third of all the people you want at the destination would be able to attend and that you'd like to celebrate with the other 100 people, the problem is you're asking 50 people to repeat the process. If you only have about 5% (out of the 150) of people attending the destination ceremony, like your parents or best friends, and then have everyone else at the big reception, it would be more appropriate. It's a nice touch to play the DVD of the ceremony at your reception. 

    Another idea is to have the ceremony and reception at home, and then in a few years you and your husband can renew your vows at a destination. 

  • Don't let your relatives bully you into having (and paying for) a second reception because they can't make your first one.

    As others have said, it's fine to have a big party at home to celebrate with those who couldn't make it to the DW, but you should avoid "re-doing" anything that you have already done.  Cut the cake or did a first dance at the first reception?  Then don't do it again, because it would be fake.    I'm iffy on the dress thing -- personally, I wouldn't do it -- instead I would have lots of pictures on display of the DW ceremony/reception for guests to look at.


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  • Personally, I think an at home reception is fine here as you have the same guest list for both. However, I do agree that you should tone down the reception part. Have a party to celebrate your union not a do-over reception. By that I mean wear the dress and maybe cut the cake, but dont have a first dance or garter toss. But OP from your post it already sounds that you know people have divided opinions on this. Some people hate AHR and some dont mind them.

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  • I don't have a problem with the reception the way you are doing it since everyone is invited to both, I just question why you are doing it. Very expensive to basically have two weddings, one destination and one at home. 
  • It seems kind of selfish, to me, to essentially have two wedding receptions, which is what your family is trying to have you do.  You've already decided your chosen destination and date is more important to you than your family being able to be a part of your wedding - having a "re-do" reception at home seems like a cop-out way to not have to face the consequences of that decision, which is that about 100 people you love will miss your wedding.  I'm fine with at home receptions when the initial destination wedding is small and intimate (and when the reception isn't a "do-over" like you're describing, but rather more toned-down, as PPs have described), but you want to have a 50-person destination wedding AND a do-over?  It feel like too much to me.  Also, that snarky little "open-minded answers" quip was super-rude.
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  • AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_destination-wedding-question-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:531260d6-3fad-429c-9027-fc2bf25aac2cPost:af6088f2-fcc9-466a-9599-23b277e7eb04">Destination Wedding Question - kinda long!</a>:
    [QUOTE] Thanks for the NICE, OPEN MINDED answers! Ohh and the groom's mom wants us to even play the wedding DVD for those who couldn't make it!
    Posted by kara0729[/QUOTE]

    I was going to give you a nice, supportive answer until you said this.

    Since you think I can't voice my opinion without telling me how, I'll keep my opinions to myself.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_destination-wedding-question-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:531260d6-3fad-429c-9027-fc2bf25aac2cPost:af6088f2-fcc9-466a-9599-23b277e7eb04">Destination Wedding Question - kinda long!</a>:
    [QUOTE]We are having a destination wedding and are inviting 150 people.  Everyone is of course invited to the ceremony and reception at the resort, but there are more people not coming than are...which we completely understand (we are getting married in May on my grandparents anniversary, so I can see why people might not be able to get off work/kids are still in school).  Many family members from both sides have requested we to throw a "reception" when we get back and have our WP and everyone dress up again.  I have asked the WP if they would care if we did this a week or so after the actual wedding and they think it's a great idea.  I was planning on inviting the same exact people that we invited to the ceremony, so there's no issue of, "I wasn't invited to the wedding and was invited to the reception."  What do you guys think and have you ever heard of this?  Like literally, we were thinking do a whole dancing and food reception and when we send out invites, make sure both dates were on them (wedding and additional reception).  BTW, we are having a dinner and dance after the ceremony, but since there's only going to be about 50 people there, it will not be as big! <strong>Thanks for the NICE, OPEN MINDED answers!</strong> Ohh and the groom's mom wants us to even play the wedding DVD for those who couldn't make it!
    Posted by kara0729[/QUOTE]

    You just want to be validated, don't you?
  • I've been to a post-wedding reception that was technically the third one for the couple (including the orginal ceremony) and didn't think twice about it.  Some couples prefer this due to military deployment, families in different states, or DWs.  If you're willing to shell out the money to throw the party, I would personally be thankful to have the opportunity to celebrate without having to travel to a destination wedding.  My sister also did a DW (only 7 people) and then did a reception at home and wore her wedding dress.  Do whatever works best for you and the people you want to share the celebration with.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_destination-wedding-question-kinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:531260d6-3fad-429c-9027-fc2bf25aac2cPost:cd1d0749-3c80-4050-bc01-dd5e70afed86">Re: Destination Wedding Question - kinda long!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I've been to a post-wedding reception that was technically the third one for the couple (including the orginal ceremony) and didn't think twice about it.  Some couples prefer this due to military deployment, families in different states, or DWs.  <strong>If you're willing to shell out the money to throw the party, I would personally be thankful to have the opportunity to celebrate without having to travel to a destination wedding</strong>.  My sister also did a DW (only 7 people) and then did a reception at home and wore her wedding dress.  <strong>Do whatever works best for you and the people you want to share the celebration with.</strong>
    Posted by CarleyBo[/QUOTE]

    Both of these!!!!
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  • We are doing a similar thing but not a full on reception. We are having our destination wedding and a small reception down there and then a cook out back here, haven't decided on wearing the dress again (although I would LOVE TO) but doing it 6 months after. We are getting married in October and thats not exactly BBQ weather in NH.
    Do what you feel is right, but dont ask for gifts, if they bring them thats fine, and if they want to know where you are registered they will ask. I agree with whomever said it was tacky at any wedding to put registry in any wedding invitation!
    10.22.2012
  • I think I'm ok with most of what you're wanting to do.  You're inviting everyone to every event, and that's proper.  If you want to have this party, then I think you can do it, because you're inviting everyone across the board.  I wouldn't call it a reception, though.  Just a party.  Have a great meal and a dj and dance floor.  Have a great cake, but don't do the cutting.  No tosses/garter, no toasts other than a 'thank you for coming' word.  I don't think I'd wear my dress, but I would find something fabulous to wear that's in keeping with the formality of the event.  Print up some invitations on your computer at home. Show the video on a loop in the corner of the room so people can watch if they want to.  Just throw a party to celebrate, but only if you want to and can afford it.  Don't let them make you do something you really don't want to do.
  • I agree - it's the "do-over" aspect of this that's jarring.  Large parties at home after a destination wedding are fine, but having a wedding party, and you and they in your dresses again...it wouldn't sit right with me, because it's all a fake.  You only get one wedding reception, and it is held right after the wedding.   If I were one of your guests, and got wind that this is what you were planning, I would decline.  

    Giving up a large true reception is one of the choices you make when you plan a destination wedding.   Inviting a large guest list that you know can't make it sounds like an attempt to have your cake and eat it, too.  You chose to prioritize your date and location over your guests presence, then invited the guests anyway.  Now they feel guilty, and that they're missing out, so you have an excuse to hold a second pretty princess day, just for them, when they should never have been in the picture in the first place.  You should have planned for an intimate guest list from the start.

    I did look at this with an open mind.  Honsetly, it was a situation that offended me worse the more I thought about it.  The question is, are you willing to accept criticism with an open mind as well?
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  • I think it is silly to have a wedding do-over after, but whatever.  If you can afford it and you really are inviting everyone to both, sure why not.  But is it really a good use of money?  It sounds like you are doing 2 big weddings.  Is the destination wedding really what you want?  If you list the 2 receptions, a lot of people will just opt to go to the AHR to save on travel costs.  So if you *really* want the destination wedding, why not just do that and be done with it? 

    If you are going to shell out for the AHR anyway, I'd just do that as your wedding and then have a kickass honeymoon.  I just don't get the point of doing it twice.  It dilutes the actual value of the destination wedding to me.  One wedding was exhausting enough, doing it again just seems like you love being the center of attention and it seems very juvenile.  But again, do whatever you want.
  • My opinion, I'm okay with a reception that big, but as everyone else is saying, please don't try to give yourself a "second wedding."  I personally think it's okay for you to wear your wedding dress again for the fact that a lot of your family and close friends who can't come WANT to see the dress, they want to feel like they get to celebrate your marriage.  I however am against the putting both dates on the wedding invitation.  Your wedding is happening on the destination date you chose, the at home party is not.  The wedding whether it is destination or not should be the most important thing.
  • Thanks!! Sorry if I offended anyone by saying please be open minded!  I didn't mean it that way, I just wanted you to read it without immediately thinking the worst, since I have frequently read the previous posts...sometimes it gets very black and white and I really thought this was a unique idea, not something I wanted validation for.  I wanted ideas and thoughts and that's what I got!  So thanks!  I am honestly just thinking this over because it is a lot of money and I don't want to get bullied into anything!  If we did this, I will for sure use many of the ideas given here!  I wouldn't get a cake nor do cake cutting, maybe a cupcake cake but nothing too huge, I don't want to do a garter toss at my real reception, let alone again!  And there will be no flowers to toss, so no worries.  A looping slideshow is a great idea!  I might only wear the dress at the beginning and then change so I will be more comfortable. Also, it would be at our family country club, so it would be more of just a party...so not a big deal.  I think not calling it a reception is a good idea, so it will just be a party!  And we are registered, but not for many gifts and I would never put that on an invitation...my parents know where we are registered and will spread the word if someone asks only.  I don't want or need any wedding presents honestly and I have even said to those making the trip to our wedding, please, the gift of you coming is really enough since it can be expensive! Okay, that's all of my trying to explain myself.  Everyone has given me plenty to think on, so thanks!!!
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  • edited December 2011
    I understand where your original post was coming from, because I've had people on the boards attack me for our wedding/reception plans. I've never wanted validation for my plans, then again - I've never asked for opinions, merely stated my plans in response to other peoples' questions. It's my FI and I's wedding, and obviously no one from The Knot will be coming, so if my family and friends love the way we're having it, their votes are the ones who will count.

    While I don't really agree with having TWO receptions, I agree with the following that was said:

    I've been to a post-wedding reception that was technically the third one for the couple (including the orginal ceremony) and didn't think twice about it.  Some couples prefer this due to military deployment, families in different states, or DWs.  If you're willing to shell out the money to throw the party, I would personally be thankful to have the opportunity to celebrate without having to travel to a destination wedding.  My sister also did a DW (only 7 people) and then did a reception at home and wore her wedding dress.  Do whatever works best for you and the people you want to share the celebration with.
    Posted by CarleyBo
    I am having a destination ceremony while on a family vacation. Our closest family and friends will be attending, though we ARE inviting all of our guests to join us. We are not having a reception in Florida, nor will be have a very involved ceremony - it will be simple and about 20 minutes. We are then having an AHR three weeks after we return. (I would have had it sooner, but my mom requested that I not throw the reception on my birthday.)

    We ARE calling it a reception....when my dad came home from Iraq, we threw him a "welcome home reception," and as I don't recall fighting alongside him, I feel the wording is fine. However, I don't really care for a lot of the typical wedding traditions - we're re-wearing our wedding attire for the sole purpose of getting more wear out of them and also for guests who would like to see us in them, but we're spending the bulk of the reception money on food and awesome music and just really having a big party that everyone can enjoy. I'm DIY-ing all of our simple centerpieces, not having flowers, etc. We're purchasing our wedding party's outfits and trying to make everything as convenient for them as possible. Our wedding invitation will include the wording for our actual wedding date, and we will have a separate card for our AHR information, and our RSVP will have options for the ceremony, the AHR, or both.

    This is just what ended up working for my FI and I's specific situation and what our family wanted.
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