Why this is an Etiquette "no-no" - Vent...

cwill6212

So, I've been friends with this girl for about 15 years (since high school) I attended her bridal shower last month and was excited to be able to celebrate her wedding. That wedding was yesterday. And I totally missed out on the ceremony.

See, even though I received an invitation and RSVP'd, I was totally unaware and blindsided that I had only been invited to the reception. Other friends in our same group were surprised by this as well. According to the bride's sister/MOH, the church was not big enough to accommodate everyone on the guest list. Funny... because the reception hall was PLENTY big enough to have held both, which is what I thought was going to happen.

Needless to say, I thought this was tacky. And after realizing that I missed the important moments of the ceremony and was only invited to bring a gift to the reception, I was not a happy camper. She obviously did not read up on her wedding etiquette!

NOLAbridealmost

Ugh, That sucks.  

em01092

Oh wow that sucks. Are you sure they didn't just have a very intimate ceremony with family only? That's the only way I'd be not as upset about it, but regardless they still went about it improperly if they did not make it clear you were attending the reception only/a celebration of their marriage. 

whitsy

Booo

GeauxTigers17

It's actually the invitation to the ceremony - not the reception - that comes with the expectation of a gift. And I say "expectation" in terms of what, per strict etiquette, would be expected of a guest. That's why it's considered rude not to include people in the reception if they've been invited to the ceremony - it looks like you wanted a gift but didn't want to feed them. The reverse, in terms of traditional etiquette, wasn't rude because there was no expectation of a gift and you were hosting them at the party. 

SA+Bride

Aah that sucks! Sorry To make you feel better, I was once invited to the ceremony only. The reception was very intimate and with close family only. So don't worry. I hope you had a good time non-the-less.

InstantReplay

Sucks to be you

mizutamababy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_why-this-is-an-etiquette-no-no-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:534387d0-82af-47ad-84b8-dfee4fd4e351Post:438bd01c-1a98-4963-bbc2-5b050efa30fa">Re: Why this is an Etiquette "no-no" - Vent...</a>:
[QUOTE]It's actually the invitation to the ceremony - not the reception - that comes with the expectation of a gift. And I say "expectation" in terms of what, per strict etiquette, would be expected of a guest. That's why it's considered rude not to include people in the reception if they've been invited to the ceremony - it looks like you wanted a gift but didn't want to feed them. The reverse, in terms of traditional etiquette, wasn't rude because there was no expectation of a gift and you were hosting them at the party. 
Posted by GeauxTigers17[/QUOTE]

IA, although I do think it was rude that the bride in question did not make this obvious.

I personally wouldn't have a problem with it if I knew and was down with being invited to the reception only when I RSVPed.  Would I have/did I do it at my own wedding?  Never crossed my mind because I didn't see a need to party with people we didn't think were special enough to see us exchange our vows.  However, it looks like OP was unaware and it most likely would have impacted her decision to accept or decline the invitation.  To me that is in poor etiquette, as the bride should have made her intentions clear on the invitation.

Cortney1982

I think you are jumping to conclusions.  They probably wanted to get married in a church, not at a venue.  I think your just upset that you found out you weren't top on her lists to witness the ceremony.  You were invited because you are friends, not because she wanted to receive gifts/money. 

StephanieM22

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_why-this-is-an-etiquette-no-no-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:534387d0-82af-47ad-84b8-dfee4fd4e351Post:2832bb3c-61b9-4360-ab84-31737ccb010d">Why this is an Etiquette "no-no" - Vent...</a>:
[QUOTE]According to the bride's sister/MOH, the church was not big enough to accommodate everyone on the guest list. 
Posted by cwill6212[/QUOTE]
<div>
</div><div>This makes it sound like it was more than just immediate family at the church. If it was just immediate family what your friend did with only inviting you to the reception was fine though she should have made that clear on the invitations. If she just couldn't fit everyone she should have looked for a venue that could or cut her guest list. </div>

J&K10910

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_why-this-is-an-etiquette-no-no-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:534387d0-82af-47ad-84b8-dfee4fd4e351Post:ab0af2d0-50cf-4d37-b9ea-4b0603e9dab1">Re: Why this is an Etiquette "no-no" - Vent...</a>:
[QUOTE]Actually it's not against etiquette to not be invited to the ceremony.   I get being disappointed, but she really didn't do anything wrong.  She invited you to a party.  I *assume* there was food and drinks, maybe some dancing?  What's the big deal?  So yeah, you missed the ceremony.  iDK, I don't generally get my pants in a wad when someone invites me to a party and spends money so I can have a good time with other friends/family. Assuming the church has some meaning to the couple, I give a pass that they choose that location and not have the whole event at the reception location.  Having a church ceremony is very important to some people and I don't fault them for that.  ETA - if she invited you to the ceremony and not the reception then that would be against etiquette.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

Ditto this.  As long as you were fed and given something to drink, I don't really see how it's a gift grab.  The reception is the expensive part.

With that being said, I can understand being upset about not getting to witness the ceremony.  I guess I don't get how an invitation could possibly be worded so that you didn't know you weren't invited to the ceremony though.

pattib5

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_why-this-is-an-etiquette-no-no-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:534387d0-82af-47ad-84b8-dfee4fd4e351Post:ab0af2d0-50cf-4d37-b9ea-4b0603e9dab1">Re: Why this is an Etiquette "no-no" - Vent...</a>:
[QUOTE]Actually it's not against etiquette to not be invited to the ceremony.   I get being disappointed, but she really didn't do anything wrong.  She invited you to a party.  I *assume* there was food and drinks, maybe some dancing?  What's the big deal?  So yeah, you missed the ceremony.  iDK, I don't generally get my pants in a wad when someone invites me to a party and spends money so I can have a good time with other friends/family. Assuming the church has some meaning to the couple, I give a pass that they choose that location and not have the whole event at the reception location.  Having a church ceremony is very important to some people and I don't fault them for that.  ETA - if she invited you to the ceremony and not the reception then that would be against etiquette.
Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]
I completely agree.

random4180

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_why-this-is-an-etiquette-no-no-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:534387d0-82af-47ad-84b8-dfee4fd4e351Post:e624010c-1ea5-4cd0-a23a-9d169b7e3d4c">Re: Why this is an Etiquette "no-no" - Vent...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Why this is an Etiquette "no-no" - Vent... : This makes it sound like it was more than just immediate family at the church. If it was just immediate family what your friend did with only inviting you to the reception was fine though she should have made that clear on the invitations. If she just couldn't fit everyone she should have looked for a venue that could or cut her guest list. 
Posted by StephanieM22[/QUOTE]

<div>But if it was a church- and not just some other building- I'd argue a little leniency to the couple. I think "church shopping" is a bit more of a no-no...and as others have said, it's the reverse scenario that is rude and gift-grabby. The only thing I'd say is that the couple could have made it more obvious that the invite was reception-only but other than that, I see nothing wrong with it. As a Catholic, it's more important to me to get married in the small church building and this bride could have felt the same way. I think the guest who thinks the couple should have just had the ceremony in a reception hall (for HER convenience and ego) would be the rude one. </div>