Costs of being a BM

SB1512

On my way to work I was listening to a local radio show and the host was talking about being in the wedding party saying it costs around 1,000 to 2,000 because of all the things BM are required to spend on. Some of these thing included throwing showers, bparties and engagement parties, hair, makeup, nails, shoes and jewelry all things that are not requirements if the WP! She was asking people to call or email in to talk about the BM experience so as soon as I got to work I fired off an email about what is required of a BM and what is optional and told her she should instead be directing future brides and bridesmaids to look into proper etiquette rather than turning them into bridezillas with her statements. So annoying!

aragx6

People are idiots and I hate that so many perpetuate this.

That said, I've been a BM twice, and because I was out of town and because I was able to host and attend all the pre-wedding events I honestly did spend that kind of money. It's just a shame to call it any kind of "requirement" because it's not. At all.

aragx6

That looks tasty.

[Deleted User]

Wait, Im confused - why are you upset?  That's definitely what it costs.  I was so frustrated spending that amount on my BFF's wedding... but now she's my MOH so payback time!!!

SB1512

In Response to Re:Costs of being a BM:[QUOTE]People are idiots and I hate that so many perpetuate this.That said, I've been a BM twice, and because I was out of town and because I was able to host and attend all the prewedding events I honestly did spend that kind of money. It's just a shame to call it any kind of "requirement" because it's not. At all. Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]

I think this happens a lot because people are in WPs where these things are required and no one questions it or they just suck it up. Then when those former BMs get married they put the same requirements on their WP because they don't know it's against etiquette or because it was what they had to do as a WP member

aragx6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_costs-of-being-a-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:53fc6bc6-9a23-49ca-8c2a-5f79c3bff2fbPost:822f4f28-1225-467d-9749-86d5d7a42f26">Re: Costs of being a BM</a>:
[QUOTE]Wait, Im confused - why are you upset?  That's definitely what it costs.  I was so frustrated spending that amount on my BFF's wedding... <strong>but now she's my MOH so payback time!!!
</strong>Posted by Jinxed329[/QUOTE]

What the hell is wrong with you?

Buy the dress and show up on the day of (I didn't even tell my girls they had to be sober). These are the ONLY requirements on being a bridesmaid.

SB1512

In Response to Re:Costs of being a BM:[QUOTE]Wait, Im confused why are you upset?nbsp; That's definitely what it costs.nbsp; I was so frustrated spending that amount on my BFF's wedding... but now she's my MOH so payback time!!! Posted by Jinxed329[/QUOTE]

No. Just no.

aragx6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_costs-of-being-a-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:53fc6bc6-9a23-49ca-8c2a-5f79c3bff2fbPost:0fb40209-fba0-4c4e-9e6d-4ae2f8e38037">Re:Costs of being a BM</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Costs of being a BM: I think this happens a lot because people are in WPs where these things are required and no one questions it or they just suck it up. Then when those former BMs get married they put the same requirements on their WP because they don't know it's against etiquette or <strong>because it was what they had to do as a WP member
</strong>Posted by SB1512[/QUOTE]

Exactly. See the asshole above.

edit: Ah you already did :)

sadieboud10

 I made my girls pay for their dress and they pitched in for my shower. They got to pick their own shoes, I bought their jewlery, they paid for their own hair and makeup (which was their choice to get), and their nails if they wanted them done. I think my girls spent maybe $300 on my wedding maybe a little more. That's horrible that because your BFF made you spend that much money on her wedding so it's payback time?? Bridezilla! That's ugly that you would even think of it in such a way. I'd be appalled if I was your bridesmaids to know that amount of money was expected of me.

Meegles4

Sure we can all say "yeah BM's definitely don't need to spend that much." But the truth is that I'm sure it adds up to that. I've not really done the math on the weddings I've been in, but by the time you buy the dress, get your hair done, buy a shower gift and a wedding gift, and then also possibly help with any pre-wedding party hosting or pay for a hotel or other travel arrangements, it gets expensive quickly.

A BM can choose not to get her hair done or choose not to give her friend gifts or host anything special, but many of us do that stuff because we love our friends.

I'd like to think I followed etiquette pretty well when it came to my WP, and yet I know my BMs still spent a lot of money to be in my wedding. I'm grateful they were able to be there and overwhelmed by their generosity to offer to do all they did. Even with proper "etiquette" the $$ still adds up.

rlavach

I don't know about $2000, but I can definitely see $1000, even without travel. The dress, shoes, accessories, hair, makeup, nails, plus parties & then a gift. Yeah, it doesn't surprise me. I was only a BM once, but I was a poor college student, so I couldn't contribute financially to any of the parties. That was the only way that I only spent $300. 

SB1512

I def agree weddings can be expensive for the WP but to say that someone is required to spend that mobey is nuts and a completely different story. One of my BMs actually started a savings account for my wedding that is about a year away. I let her know I wasn't requiring hair, makeup, nails, jewelry etc and am trying to keep the wedding budget friendly. I'm not even picking a specific dress just a color and they can spend what they want on a dress as long as its the right color. She says she wants to get all those things done so it's her choice to put out her money , I'm not forcing her to do so.

pkontk

Honestly, I think that it also depends on a bride's expectations.  If I had a friend who was demanding these things on me, I'd be a lot less willing to pony up.  But if I had a friend who kept saying "Really, I just want you to be there with me on my special day" I would go above and beyond to give her kick-butt pre-wedding parties.  If you're a gracious bride and friend, really that's what matters the most.

Cuss10

Frankly, my bridesmaids are my bridesmaids because they are my friends. As my friends they want to host the shower and bachelorette party because they want to do something special for me as my friend. It's just something a good friend does because she cares about you. And as a bride, when something is just beyond her budget, it is my job to understand; help her with what I can and do without for that which I can't. I didn't have an engagement party because no one had the time and honestly I kinda glad I didn't have one. My one bridesmaid has 2 children in my WP as RBs, she may not be able to afford her dress, their outfits, a hotel for the wedding weekend and she couldn't afford the gas to get here for my shower. I paid for a bus ticket so I can spend time with her, I've asked my FMIL if they could stay with her (FI has no out of town family), I picked the cheapest dress option that all the girls agreed on, and I told her to let me know if she can't afford the boys clothes and I will buy them.

I think it is entirely reasonable to expect a bridesmaid to show up in the dress the bride picked and that the BM has made sure fits appropriately and is clean and presentable, has clean and styled hair- it doesn't have to be professionally done, attractive makeup- she can't look like a drag queen or a girl playing with her mother's makeup, neat nails- a home manicure can look just as good as a professional manicure, in shoes that compliment the dress and the scale/grandeur of the ceremony and in jewelry that is age appropriate and compliments the ceremony- no Hello Kitty slap bracelets or Mardi Gras beads.

MyUserName1

One of my bridesmaids spent 100$ including the drink she bought me at my bachelorette that a friend who wasn't in the bridal party planned and threw.  The other spent $80. 

specialk84

I've never been a BM, but I really wanted things to be easy for my BMs and MOH. Many of the costs were covered by H and me or by my parents. None of the girls had to pay for their dresses, jewelery, or hair. My OOT MOH did not have to pay for her hotel, and she borrowed one of our cars. I think she ended up spending the same amount as she would if she just came as a guest.

My bridesmaid and the best man are married to each other. Combined, they spent about $300, mostly on gifts and shoes.

My other BM was my niece. Her mom just had to buy her a bra and some shoes, though we had to buy replacement shoes when the kid showed up wearing hooker heels and couldn't walk in them.

My parents paid for the FG's dress and her family's hotel room.

SB1512

Also how many posts do we see where the bride says she wants to kick people out of her WP because they aren't doing enough, or complaining about money, ect. And even posts from BMs venting about how the bride is demanding all these things and it's costing too much. Then the bride gets a lecture about being a bridezilla and the only true responsibilities of the WP. Bottom line is a wedding can add up but no one should be required to be spending money that they either a. Don't have or b. don't want to spend. It's fine to be willing and able to put out that money for the bride and the issue isn't the cost, but that it's pushed into people's minds that it should be expected and required is not right Edit: I hate autocorrect on the iPhone so many spelling errors

aragx6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_costs-of-being-a-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:53fc6bc6-9a23-49ca-8c2a-5f79c3bff2fbPost:6d05a103-d48d-49ff-be7e-a81c4ea44af2">Re: Costs of being a BM</a>:
[QUOTE]Frankly, my bridesmaids are my bridesmaids because they are my friends. As my friends they want to host the shower and bachelorette party because they want to do something special for me as my friend.<strong> It's just something a good friend does because she cares about you.</strong> And as a bride, when something is just beyond her budget, it is my job to understand; help her with what I can and do without for that which I can't. I didn't have an engagement party because no one had the time and honestly I kinda glad I didn't have one. My one bridesmaid has 2 children in my WP as RBs, she may not be able to afford her dress, their outfits, a hotel for the wedding weekend and she couldn't afford the gas to get here for my shower. I paid for a bus ticket so I can spend time with her, I've asked my FMIL if they could stay with her (FI has no out of town family), I picked the cheapest dress option that all the girls agreed on, and I told her to let me know if she can't afford the boys clothes and I will buy them. I think it is entirely reasonable to expect a bridesmaid to show up in the dress the bride picked and that the BM has made sure fits appropriately and is clean and presentable, has clean and styled hair- it doesn't have to be professionally done, attractive makeup- she can't look like a drag queen or a girl playing with her mother's makeup, neat nails- a home manicure can look just as good as a professional manicure, in shoes that compliment the dress and the scale/grandeur of the ceremony and in jewelry that is age appropriate and compliments the ceremony- no Hello Kitty slap bracelets or Mardi Gras beads.
Posted by Cuss10[/QUOTE]

I think it's dangerous territory to start attributing the quality of a friend to the number of parties she throws for you.

Ali092011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_costs-of-being-a-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:53fc6bc6-9a23-49ca-8c2a-5f79c3bff2fbPost:953bbd0e-a8dc-4a4c-9382-8aacd092f677">Re: Costs of being a BM</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly, I think that it also depends on a bride's expectations.  If I had a friend who was demanding these things on me, I'd be a lot less willing to pony up.  But if I had a friend who kept saying "Really, I just want you to be there with me on my special day" I would go above and beyond to give her kick-butt pre-wedding parties.  If you're a gracious bride and friend, really that's what matters the most.
Posted by pkontk[/QUOTE]

Agreed. I had no problem paying what I paid for one of my closest friends when she got married last year because she was nothing but flexible, grateful, and easygoing the whole time. And between the dress (which I chose, she just selected a brand and color), alterations, the shower, the b-party, shoes, hair, nails, gas, and gifts, I easily spent $1,000. It was absolutely worth every penny, though. And she made it clear that the only thing she <em>expected</em> of us was to buy the dress (and, obviously, to drive to the wedding, so gas $ had to factor in there).

dumdumfroggie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_costs-of-being-a-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:53fc6bc6-9a23-49ca-8c2a-5f79c3bff2fbPost:30109eb1-ebd1-4198-bdf7-6aad8ffed970">Re: Costs of being a BM</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Costs of being a BM :
Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

<div><3</div>

gurrlballa10

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_costs-of-being-a-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:53fc6bc6-9a23-49ca-8c2a-5f79c3bff2fbPost:37630e2f-86f9-46cc-88ba-8dc19b6b663e">Re: Costs of being a BM</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Costs of being a BM : What the hell is wrong with you? Buy the dress and show up on the day of (I didn't even tell my girls they had to be sober). These are the ONLY requirements on being a bridesmaid.
Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]

Mine definitely weren't sober.  But neither was I, so there's that.

SB1512

In Response to Re:Costs of being a BM:Honestly, it does NOT have to be so expensive, unless possibly there is travel involved.nbsp; I got 2 bparties, a shower, and had 2 OOT BMs.nbsp; The BM who spent the most spent 400 total on my wedding including her gas to drive to Dallas for fabric.nbsp; The one who spent the least could not attend any prewedding parties spent 0.nbsp; I understand that if BMs WANT to throw lavish expensive parties for their friend, they are welcome to.nbsp; And in those cases, I can see the cost getting up there.nbsp; But that doesn't mean that when you sign up to be a BM you should just EXPECT to need to drop 1,000 on a wedding.nbsp; That's ridiculous. Posted by StageManager14 Agree with all of this. The only things my BMs will be required to pay for is the dress and travel whether it be gas or plane tickets, as I have one OOT BM. I'm giving them a color for dresses so they can make their involvement as expensive or inexpensive as they want.

gurrlballa10

For the wedding I am in next weekend, we've probably spent close to $2500 (H and I are both in the wedding).  We gladly spent it, because the only thing they required of us was for my H to get his suit and me to get the dress.  All the other stuff we spent on was extra that we chose too.

nextrightthing

I find it so silly when people say, "if she is my true friend, she won't mind."  BS!  My BFF was recently a MOH for a friend, and even though she is the most laid back, calmest and most giving person, she was really miffed that between her costs and her H's costs (he was a GM), she ended up spending upwards of $3,000.  $3,000?!!?!?! 

I have been a BM twice, and one time the bride was really demanding about her bachelorette party and shower....I really side-eyed that but sucked it up and paid hundreds for the bach party (I was 21 and not great about standing up for myself back them).  We really haven't been as close since, tbh. 

The wedding industry does perpetuate all the lunacy.

Cuss10

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_costs-of-being-a-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:53fc6bc6-9a23-49ca-8c2a-5f79c3bff2fbPost:fba7ce4b-55df-4fd3-85f5-23839a705151">Re: Costs of being a BM</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Costs of being a BM : I think it's dangerous territory to start attributing the quality of a friend to the number of parties she throws for you.
Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]

I don't judge her by that quality. At all. I have shown up to her in tears watching the same movie for the 20th time in a weekend and forced her out of the house. I have been a source of advice for her bad relationships. I have been the person standing next to her at some of the biggest moments of her life. And she would do the same for me. She wanted to throw me a bridal shower because she is my friend.

TheSlowskys

I've never spent less than $1000 (we are high COL though, so to throw a shower it can be expensive where even low end restaurants are charging $20 pp, and up until recently most girls were in apartments).

My sister's I spent well over $2000 (without even counting dress, hotel, and makeup because my mom paid for all those things). I picked up most of the tab on the shower/bachelorette because she is younger and the other bridesmaids were all 19-22, and her friends were all about 24.

If you only care about someones wedding enough to just "show up" you should decline the invitation to be a bridesmaid. If someone cares enough about me to ask me to stand next to them on their biggest day of their life, you can bet damn sure I will put on a smile and help her stuff invitations and will squirrel away every cent I can afford for dress/hair/makeup/parties/etc.

Cuss10

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_costs-of-being-a-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:53fc6bc6-9a23-49ca-8c2a-5f79c3bff2fbPost:a804c5f3-2d5b-4c6f-9167-1010ea8cf3c3">Re: Costs of being a BM</a>:
[QUOTE]If you only care about someones wedding enough to just "show up" you should decline the invitation to be a bridesmaid. If someone cares enough about me to ask me to stand next to them on their biggest day of their life, you can bet damn sure I will put on a smile and help her stuff invitations and will squirrel away every cent I can afford for dress/hair/makeup/parties/etc.
Posted by TheSlowskys[/QUOTE]

Exactly.
None of my friends that I would stand up for are engaged, but I have some money stashed away for their weddings because I want to do things for them.

Miss_2010

My god, what were they spending money on?  Vera wang dresses??  $300 -$400 is not unreasonable for attire and hair/makeup in total.  If there is a shower, sure you mau chip in another $100, stagette maybe anotehr $100 or so, depending on how much everybody else chips in and how much liqour they can drink.  But not that much.  Even then with online ordering of dresses, you could totally get that attire amount down further if you really wanted to.  Geesh.  I think all those TLC shows has people warped. 

jemmini6

Unless there's travel involved, I couldn't fathom spending even close to $1000 on someone else's wedding.  There's NO ONE I'm close enough to that I'd want to spend that much money on out of some false sense of obligation, even my own sisters (but then again, they weren't bridezillas either and also made everything as affordable as humanly possible).

I think my MOH spent the most out of my BMs for my wedding, but that's because she was the only one that decided to have her hair professionally done.  Even then, I think the TOTAL amount she spent was no more than $150, including the dress, hair, b-party, etc.  

I mean seriously, asking someone to be a BM is about you wanting to honor your relationship with them, not for them to honor their relationship with you by spending hundreds to thousands of dollars to spoil you.  Even if my BMs offered to throw extravagent parties, I would have turned it down because that's not what being a BM is about and I'd feel guilty knowing they spent that much on me.

DramaGeek

It would be incredibly difficult to spend $1000 to $2000 to be in a wedding in my circle, unless you had to travel.

Showers are generally $200-$400 total.  They are always hosted in someone's home and the hostesses do the food, decor, etc.  Dresses are usually kept to $150ish, and I've only had shoes required once (that she made us pay for, but that's another story).

My BMs spent $0 on my wedding, unless they chose to buy us a gift.  We paid for their dresses, they were able to wear shoes they already owned, do their own hair and makeup, wear whatever jewelry they wanted.  They did not throw a shower or Bachelorette party and most didn't get us a gift.  I didn't care - they were there for us on our wedding day, to show their support and love.

Simply Fated

I spent an upwards of $1,000 as MOH for my friend's wedding.
I threw the shower, the Bach party (which was dinner at a nice place), the dress and my shoes.

She didn't require us to wear a specific shoes, she just told us what style and color and we all agreed.

The bridal shower was the most expensive part and that's mostly my fault because I had no idea what I was doing. Now that I'm on TK, I'll be better prepared for next time.

Oh and the dress was expensive, but mostly it was the alterations that added up and that stupid shawl!