Multicultural Collision

Niaomi

I'm American and my fiance is Chinese. We decided to have 2 weddings, one to hold in our current town and one in NYC Chinatown to follow our traditions accordingly. After we booked our wedding/reception site for the American Wedding, the future in laws tell us that we can't have 2 ceremonies and want us to drop the American one (ie they're chinese) and there is no way my family will allow this - as we are very religous and have made alteratios to planning already based on what the chinese in-laws had asked previously. They also decided to tell us that the groomsmen/bridesmaids cannot be married or previously married - after we had asked those we wanted in our wedding party. So my overall questions:

1) Do all Chinese parents drop the bomb on this kind of information after everything has been completed?
2) How do I negotiate 2 ceremonies and only saying "I do" once (preferably at the American one since this is where most of our friends and family will be)?
3) Any other suggestions?!

Thanks!

rajahmd

Check out the "Chinese weddings" board under "Cultural wedding boards". They should have good advice for you. Wish I had more to offer. Good luck!

Maybone

not the same thing, but a friend had to cerimonies before, the more traditional american one and then I believe a Hindu one. I think you need to make the decision. It's your wedding and the start of your life together. Do what feels right to you and your fiance.

lauraanne9

While possibly not the most diplomatic way to handle it, who is paying?  If you guys are, you have more say.  His parents, they have more.  Your parents, they have more.  So, if it is your parents, it would make sense they have the wedding they feel most comfortable about, value the most, etc.

Also, once you have made the decision on who's rules to follow, only do the things that make YOU comfortable.  If your best friend in married and you want her in the wedding as the MOH,  do it.  

This is YOUR and your FI's wedding, no one else's.  And yes it is nice to make concessions, but you should not be giving up the whole day, the thngs you value, so they are happy.

Avion22

What does your fiance think?  Can he act as a go-between with his parents?   What does HE want? Is the Chinese ceremony important to him, or is it just for his parents?    This is a tricky situation and you don't want to alienate your in-laws, but it sounds like they are demanding you follow THEIR tradtions and abandon your own, and that's not really fair for them to ask of you.

mkrupar

Why do they say you can't have two ceremonies? I've seen it done all the time. Is it the legality thing? Do they want the Chinese ceremony to be the actual legal ceremony as well? You can only technically get married at one, but that doesn't mean you can't hold the other. 

You can choose which ceremony is the one where you sign the actual paperwork. If your family wants the religious ceremony, you can have one (depending on the religion), but it doesn't have to include the actual marriage license, and then have the Chinese ceremony be your legal ceremony. Or vice versa, the American ceremony can be your legal one, and the Chinese one can just be a traditional Chinese ceremony. 

I don't know chinese culture, and I don't know what religion your family is, but ultimately it's a decision that has to be made by you and your fiance. 

Loopyseven

MK - you summed things up perfectly.  Thanks .