Thinking of "uninviting" someone from the wedding...how to handle?

ISUAthena

My dad asked me the other day if his wife's mother could come to the wedding (she lives here in town, dad lives five hours away).  I immediately said that was OK even though I don't know the woman.  Now that I've had a few days to think it over, I'm having second thoughts.  My reasoning is that whenever my dad and his wife come to town, I am an absolute afterthought.  They come here to visit with his wife's family, and sometimes they tell me they are in town and sometimes they don't.  My dad has met my fiance twice and has never met his two children (HIS future step-grandchildren).  So I guess I'm somewhat insulted that they would even ask me if they could bring his wife's mother because that just shows to me that my wedding isn't even a priority to them.  In fact, they can't even guarantee they will be in town in time for pictures because "they'll have to get up at 5am".  Grrr.

Sorry, went off on a tangent.  Anyway, am I stuck with stepmom's mom or is there a way to politely let my dad know that I made a mistake and I cannot acommodate her?  I will absolutely live with my original choice if there's no way around it.

Thanks...

HockeyFan4

Let her come.

Oddly enough you are annoyed your father has not gotten to know his step grandchildren....but your step mother's mother is ....drumroll....your step grandmother.

junieolive

OP is this a hill to die on?
In the grand scheme of things it is one guest.  By denying the invitation to your dad's MIL you are not going to make yourself a higher priority in his mind than you already are.  In fact you may just make your relationship with your dad worse.  Especially since you already told him it was ok to invite FSGMIL. 
If you have issues with how your dad treats you, discuss these issues outside the context of your wedding.  This is obviously something that has been bothering you for some time.  Denying the already offered invite is childish.

Lisa50

I'm sure someone can think of a polite way for you to let your dad know you've changed your mind.  I cannot.

Honestly, just because your dad is rude to you does not mean you have to be rude to his wife's mother.  Let the invitation stand.

Loopyseven

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_thinking-of-uninviting-someone-from-the-weddinghow-to-handle?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:544099f9-89d5-4ba4-b38d-e5946aeee781Post:2f1be50a-c4ec-48bd-b151-2c825e1e11dd">Re: Thinking of "uninviting" someone from the wedding...how to handle?</a>:
[QUOTE]Op, I am sorry, I can feel your hurt?  What do you want? Would you be OK with inviting SM's mom if that were the beginning of stronger ties with your dad? Dont do anything tonight, but think about calling SM mom, and saying, Hi, I understand you want to come to wedding, thats great.  I would like to see more of dad/sm when they come to town.   BTW dad is worried about getting here on time, do you think you could invite dad/sm to stay the night before at your house?   I am going to guess that  SM mom is not aware that dad doesnt keep in tough, this may be an opporuntity to make it clear that you want to be kept in the loop.  
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

<div>If you have no established relationship with your step grandmother (and it sounds like you don't, or you would have invited her in the first place), I would not recommend putting her in the middle of your issues/unhappiness with your relationship with your dad.  It's just asking to stir up drama.  And it's absolutely not your place to invite someone to stay at her house the night before the wedding.  </div><div>
</div><div>OP - if you want your relationship to change with your dad, in general, you need to have a conversation WITH YOUR DAD.  He's the only one who can change it.  All you can do is bring up your wishes and see what he has to say, and going forward if his actions back up his words.</div><div>
</div><div>FWIW - since it's been a few days since you said step mothers mom could come, the message has probably been passed to her, and I would not rescind the invitation.  Just let it stand.  Keeping her from coming to your wedding won't make you any more of a priority for your dad, and rescinding the invitation migth actually have the opposite effect.</div>

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_thinking-of-uninviting-someone-from-the-weddinghow-to-handle?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:544099f9-89d5-4ba4-b38d-e5946aeee781Post:2eaf4d22-28e1-4a29-acb5-6ddada9136ed">Re: Thinking of "uninviting" someone from the wedding...how to handle?</a>:
[QUOTE]Loopy,  I dont see why OP shouldnt take the high road, and assume that anyone who wants an invite to her wedding is interested in a relationship with her, and not a free meal.
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

<div>You are correct.  She does not have to take the high road.</div><div>
</div><div> Remember, ALL decisions, good or bad have consequences.   </div><div>
</div><div>
</div><div>Only she can decide if un-inviting her step-grandmother is worth the consequences.  IMO, they don't.  But the OP might feel differently.</div>

ISUAthena

Thanks for your opinions y'all.  A couple things:

First, what does OP mean?  Sorry, that's a new one to me

Second, I absolutely do not have a relationship with SM's mom...I think I met her once.  My dad married SM five years ago, so it's not as if I grew up with SM in my household.  Concerning letting my dad stay overnight, they apparently were unable to get the day off the day before the wedding.  IMHO, I don't think they tried hard enough.  BUT, that's a different issue and I've decided to let that one go.  

Lastly, the main issue here is not an extra body at the wedding.  I can handle that.  The issue is that I am NEVER a priority when my father and his wife are in town.  Why can't they come to town and only be interested in me and my (soon-to-be) family?  Why do they have to bring along an elderly woman who I do not know and will probably not have any fun (that last part comes directly from SM mouth, BTW)?  I partially wonder if maybe my dad (and others) have a "been there, done that" mentality when it concerns my wedding because this is my second go at it (even though EVERYONE hated my ex and is very happy that I've found someone that makes me happy).

Personally, I believe that if I call my dad and express my conerns, he will not be offended at all.  I just don't want his wife getting in a huff and making life difficult for him, that's all.

ISUAthena

OH!  And I totally forgot something.  SM emailed me with her mom's name (so I can add her to the guest list and make a place card for her) and she mentioned that she wasn't even sure if her mom would be coming because she wouldn't know anyone, etc.  My RSVP's were due a week ago, so clearly I need to know anyway if she's coming or not.  So how about this...I call my dad and tell him that if they cannot tell me for sure that she will be coming, I can't acommodate her.  Any issues with that?

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_thinking-of-uninviting-someone-from-the-weddinghow-to-handle?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:544099f9-89d5-4ba4-b38d-e5946aeee781Post:5bb6baff-9f45-4807-9bc0-75541a1b7562">Re: Thinking of "uninviting" someone from the wedding...how to handle?</a>:
[QUOTE]OH!  And I totally forgot something.  SM emailed me with her mom's name (so I can add her to the guest list and make a place card for her) and she mentioned that she wasn't even sure if her mom would be coming because she wouldn't know anyone, etc.  My RSVP's were due a week ago, so clearly I need to know anyway if she's coming or not.  So how about this...I call my dad and tell him that if they cannot tell me for sure that she will be coming, I can't acommodate her.  Any issues with that?
Posted by ISUAthena[/QUOTE]

<div>I think that is very reasonable. </div>

Loopyseven

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_thinking-of-uninviting-someone-from-the-weddinghow-to-handle?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:544099f9-89d5-4ba4-b38d-e5946aeee781Post:5bb6baff-9f45-4807-9bc0-75541a1b7562">Re: Thinking of "uninviting" someone from the wedding...how to handle?</a>:
[QUOTE]OH!  And I totally forgot something.  SM emailed me with her mom's name (so I can add her to the guest list and make a place card for her) and she mentioned that she wasn't even sure if her mom would be coming because she wouldn't know anyone, etc.  My RSVP's were due a week ago, so clearly I need to know anyway if she's coming or not.  So how about this...<strong>I call my dad and tell him that if they cannot tell me for sure that she will be coming, I can't acommodate her.  Any issues with that?</strong>
Posted by ISUAthena[/QUOTE]

<div>There is no problem with that.</div><div>
</div>

Loopyseven

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_thinking-of-uninviting-someone-from-the-weddinghow-to-handle?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:544099f9-89d5-4ba4-b38d-e5946aeee781Post:75dd94b6-8922-4f5d-8f3a-27b222efda33">Re: Thinking of "uninviting" someone from the wedding...how to handle?</a>:
[QUOTE]OP = original post or original poster. <strong> I am a BIG believe in talk it over with your parents BEFORE the event.</strong>
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

<div>Well - according to you, a step parent is not a parent, especially if the "child" never lived with them, so her father's wife's mother is really not someone who needs to be consulted, OR brought into the middle of her relationship with her father.</div>

ISUAthena

Alright, here's what's going on.  I called my brother to see what he thought of the whole thing (he's closer to my dad than I am and thought he might be able to guide me in the right direction).  I'm glad I did because he told me that he actually spoke to my dad about this a couple of days before he asked me if SM's mom could come.  The reason he asked is because he knew I was upset that hardly any family was going to be able to make it to the wedding (it's just gonna be my dad and his wife, my mom, and my brother and his family...my sister isn't coming nor are any aunts/uncles or cousins, and the last of my grandparents died last year) and he thought that I would like it if he could get more "family" to come.  

That's actually really sweet of him, even though I would have liked it even more if he had just tried to get into town the day before.  But, I'll take this

Loopyseven

I'm glad you're feeling better about it.