Polite way to decline help from parents?

WinstonsGirl

Hi ladies.  I've lurked here and have seen some good advice, so a question for you all.   When we were first engaged they mentioned that since they had given my brother money towards his wedding, they would do the same for us.  We thanks then and declined their offer as we are paying for our wedding ourselves.  We are well within our means to do so.

My parents gave us a very generous gift this Christmas for the wedding/dress/gift, which they said is the same as what they gave my brother.  My brother was starting out in life/career when he got married whereas myself and FI are much further along in our respetive careers and don't really need the money to help out with the wedding.  We'd like to talk to my parents about this not accepting, but I know their first response will be that this is what they gave my brother, so this is what they're going to give me.  Is there a polite way to turn down their gift?  We're not comfortable with accepting money from them for the wedding or for other uses.  Thanks

cebrady89

I suppose you just have to tell them that you don't want them to give you the money.

However - it sounds to me like they aren't offering money because they think you can't pay for the wedding on your own. They just want to offer a gift to you. Maybe reconsider their offer and suggest that if they want to help pay for part of the wedding, that it be a small contribution (maybe just pay for your dress, or pay to stock the bar at the reception). 

You could also save the money and put it toward a house or other investment. If you don't want the money for the wedding, it could be used elsewhere.

I don't mean to be nosy - but was this a huge amount of money? I only ask because you seem upset that they offered money. Maybe if they offered less as their gift it would be better?

aleighk1

I can't believe you're turning away a generous Christmas gift. Just take it and go with it. Put it towards the honeymoond or something. You will probably hurt their feelings if you try to give it back to them.

Loopyseven

I agree with PP's who said just take the generous gift.  It doesn't sound like it's coming with any strings attached, so take it and do something fun with it for your wedding.  Upgrade something, use it for a honeymoon, whatever.  Thank them for the generous gift and find a way to use it towards something you like.

WinstonsGirl

 We're both very established in our careers, and we make more than my parents do income wise, so we both feel funny about taking money from either set of parents, whether it's for the wedding, a house, retirement etc. as we feel they should be using it towards their retirement.  I know it's their money and they can do with it as they please and I know they've always been willing to help us out.  Dad mentioned yesterday that we couldn't give it back so I said maybe we'd buy them matching moterbikes for their anniversary instead!!    

We just feel funny about taking money when we don't have an obvious need for it and we make more than they do and they are getting ready to retire, though I know they wouldn't give something if they couldn't afford it either.   Me and my first world problems!!  

MyUserName1

If you truly don't need it, I'd accept it and hang on to it.

Later on down the road, if they're in need, send it back their way (with out letting them know it's the "same" money).  Or send them on a fabulous trip for a major anniversary someday.

That way, you don't make your parents sad by refusing their gift and you don't have to feel weird about it.

Loopyseven

Yeah, it's not up to you to judge or decide what your parents get to spend their money on.  They have probably saved and planned in order to be able to give this to you.  Throwing it back at them by declining it or turning it around into a big gift for them is disrespectful of their wishes.  If you really don't have a use for it right now, put it aside.  Maybe in the future you will.have something you'd like to splurge on with it.

RaptorSLH

Honestly, I think most people would be offended if they found out that one sibling was given a large cash gift, and they were not.  This doesn't sound like it's about what you need as much as it is about what they want to give.

Unless your parent's financial situation is truly desperate, (can't afford their meds, can't afford the morgage, etc.) there's no harm in their deciding that what they want to do with their nest egg is give you a gift.  If you like, put it aside for your future children's college fund - sacrificing some added comfort in their retirement for the sake of their grandchildren's future is surely a worthy cause.

RebeccaB88

I agree with the others. I think it would be rude and offensive to them to not accept their gift.  They would not give it to you if they didn't truly want you to have it.  You can still pay for your own wedding and put their gift towards something else.  I like the idea of investing it, or starting a college fund for your future kids (if you have them).  Or, buy something special for yourselves that you wouldn't otherwise buy.  Put it towards a fabulous honeymoon.  Or keep it in a safe place and use it to help them out someday if they need it.  Your parents have made their intention clear, and the gracious and adult thing to do now is to accept gratefully and put it to good use.

sweetcanadian1979

If they can afford it i don't think it is your place to tell them what to do with THEIR money even if you make more than them. Honestly it might come as a major snub, i know if it was me i would be extremely offended, especially the part where you say you make more money than them so do not want to accept it. That should have nothing to do with it unless they are super broke. 

My mom makes sure she treats all of us siblings the same money/gift wise & even though i make more money than her on my own nvm my fiance i do not turn her gifts down, they are not elaborate by any means but i could never hurt her like that. I also do not give her elaborate gifts (like motorcycles) as that would just flaunt that i could afford things she can't. 

My 2 cents, take the money graciously, save it for later if you do not want to spend it. 

WinstonsGirl

Edielaura - a little interest is right!!  

Sweetcanadian - We would never tell my parents that we don't want it cos we make more than they do.  While that is part of the reason we are uncomfotable accepting, we would never dream of saying something so rude to them (or anyone).

FI and I will have to discuss this more, but I think we're leaning towards accepting then splurging a lot on something for a big anniversary gift for them or similar as My User Name mentioned.  Thanks for that idea.  And thanks for the input ladies.  I tend to assume that if I feel oe way, everyone else does so I was hoping for the insight into what my parents might be thinking too.  Thanks!!