Wedding Etiquette Forum

Trying to please the parents

We are getting married in another state and I have a large family. All of my personal guests would have to fly there. We have the guest list all planned out and we can only have 50 people at our reception.

Unfortunately over the holiday, my father demanded that I invite all of his siblings and their spouses. This was not the original plan. In fact, I am only close to 2 of them and I didn't invite those 2, because I believe it's all or none. My mother is my maid-of-honor and of course, she supports my father in this. They are not paying for the wedding, although my mother did choose to pay for my dress($287). If I say no, my father will hold an endless grudge. I tried to explain that the venue has a limit and that it's not ok to go over. Their arguement is based on the fact that most of our invited guests, will probably not attend due to cost or poor health.

My question is this. Is there any proper way that I can go about getting an idea from my guests if they intend on flying out, without seeming tacky? I understand the point my parents have made, but with the additions our guest list is at 67 and that's assuming no one tries to add 1.

Re: Trying to please the parents

  • I would just tell them that you can't afford any more people and you would be happy to have them if they are willing to pay for them. I don't see that as asking your parents for money, since it's for guests they want.

    ALWAYS count on 100% attendance. I wouldn't ask them if they planned on coming or not, that sounds tacky to me. You invited them, so you prepare to have them there.
    "In the old days my ass would be in your back yard picking cotton, so excuse me if I don't put much stock in how f*cking awesome the old days were." -Nuggs
  • Don't ever assume people won't come.  If your parents aren't paying, they really can't control the guest list.  You can't invite 67 people if your venue can only hold 50.  Explain that to Dad, and drop it.  Don't talk about it anymore.
  • If Daddy isn't paying, Daddy doesn't get to decide who comes.  I understand wanting to please your father, and it sounds like you've tried to be rational with him and I think you're perfectly justified in not inviting the extras if you don't want to.  That being said, it kind of sounds like you mean, "Can I find out now who's not coming so I can invite other people?" I don't know of a tactful way to do that, but someone else might.  Sorry I'm not much help.
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  • Stand firm on your 50 person limit.  You can't really get a solid enough answer about who is and isn't coming to invite others without them feeling like they were B-listed, which they essentially were.  If someone would say they aren't coming, and plans change last minute and they do end up coming, you're going to be in quite the pickle having to turn someone away at the door if you're over the 50 person limit.
  • The bottom line is that you simply cannot go over your guest limit at the venue. Your parents need to understand this, especially since you are planning/paying for everything. I usually don't promote B-lists, but is there time to invite your dad's siblings if you have space? I had a small wedding too, so we got an idea through our parents who all was planning on coming and had booked a ticket (not for the same reasons you need to know, but it was helpful). Most of them were sharing hotel rooms, so that was a way to ask about it, as we were making OOT gift bags.

    Oh, and no one should be able to add a +1 unless you invited them in the first place. Hopefully you allowed for guests to bring their spouses/SOs.



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  • It's not a matter of not being to afford them though, it's a matter of actual space.  You can't fit them. 

    You should always plan on 100% attendance.  It does happen.  I don't know what to tell you though.  It's your wedding, you and your FI, and you guys are paying for it, so you get final say.  If it's seriously that much of an issue, can you find a bigger reception venue that will hold your family? 

    I don't think there's a good way to feel people out because if you ask them and they say, "Oh I don't know yet" or even no they can't come,  you still need to send the actual invitation and then what happens if their plans change and they decide to come afterall?  Then you're stuck with more people than your venue can hold.
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  • @louisvillebride21
    The venue we have selected, booked and put our deposit down on only fits 50 people. My father said, "If it's about the money, we will cover the extra cost." I let him know, that while we can't afford more guests, its really about the number of people and that we can't fit anymore. We would have to find another venue at this point for a larger group. The wedding is in June at the height of wedding season in Ohio.
  • edited December 2009
    I'm sorry, that was my fault. I read too quickly and missed that part.

    "In the old days my ass would be in your back yard picking cotton, so excuse me if I don't put much stock in how f*cking awesome the old days were." -Nuggs
  • your wedding should have people there that you are closest to and are an active part of your life.  if these people arent, then they have no business being there.
  • Oh, you haven't sent your invites out yet. I was under the impression that you had, sorry. This doesn't help, but your dad should have had this conversation about family guests with you before you guys booked your venue.



    image
    Taco cat: Always a palindrome. ALWAYS, okay J&K?

    "cool......insult my size 2 body or my natural brown hair...or the fact that my parents own a country club, I have no budget for a wedding, and I have horses. I really dont care. Its better then having roots." ~ futurepivko
  • Any suggestions if my dad has taken matters into his own hands and started calling around to his siblings about the wedding?
  • @Beatlesgirl25
    No the invites have not gone out yet. The Save the dates have, to our original guestlist.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_trying-please-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:54fc29a0-f1f5-4f34-abaf-f163ff84b1f6Post:15924d99-0920-416e-ac62-2cf2edeca1d1">Re: Trying to please the parents</a>:
    [QUOTE]Any suggestions if my dad has taken matters into his own hands and started calling around to his siblings about the wedding?
    Posted by HendersonL[/QUOTE]

    That's when you tell Dad he's going to have some embarrassing phone calls to make rescinding those unofficial invitations.
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  • Invitations are the only way you find out if people are planning to come. And it's in poor taste to ask too early, since some people might not know if they can attend yet, but will know at a later, but still reasonable, date. Sorry!

    I'd suggest dad pay for you to move the wedding to a bigger venue if he wants to invite them. I'm sure he'll balk at that and maybe back down.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_trying-please-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:54fc29a0-f1f5-4f34-abaf-f163ff84b1f6Post:15924d99-0920-416e-ac62-2cf2edeca1d1">Re: Trying to please the parents</a>:
    [QUOTE]Any suggestions if my dad has taken matters into his own hands and started calling around to his siblings about the wedding?
    Posted by HendersonL[/QUOTE]

    Yes.  Change to a DW and don't tell your parents.  FFS, why do parents do this?

    On a more reasonable note, you need to tell your dad that it simply isn't an option.  If he's actually called people, you don't need to contact those folks - unless he's giving you RSVPs for them.  In that case, you do need to call and let them know your father made a mistake.  You could compromise with a "B" list where if you do get cancels, then you send his siblings invites, but I really hate B lists.

    The other alternative is to look for a larger venue & tell your dad he can cover the lost deposit, full cost of additional guests, and any additional cost per guest to you for your original 50.  If he goes for that, I'd ask that he give you the check up front, and that you agree (in writing if necessary) that no other changes are required, requested, etc. 
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    Dresses may be easier to take in than let out, but guest lists are not. -- kate51485
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_trying-please-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:54fc29a0-f1f5-4f34-abaf-f163ff84b1f6Post:80897509-570e-4fd0-804c-b1304a6a7c31">Re: Trying to please the parents</a>:
    [QUOTE]@Beatlesgirl25 No the invites have not gone out yet. The Save the dates have, to our original guestlist.
    Posted by HendersonL[/QUOTE]

    In that case, you absolutely cannot dis-invite people who have gotten STDs. And ditto futuremrsTR in that your dad needs to do some damage control. He can say he was mistaken and didn't realize there was a guest limit at the venue. If you like, you can also have him say there might be some last minute spots if they still really want to come, but that might piss off a lot of people.



    image
    Taco cat: Always a palindrome. ALWAYS, okay J&K?

    "cool......insult my size 2 body or my natural brown hair...or the fact that my parents own a country club, I have no budget for a wedding, and I have horses. I really dont care. Its better then having roots." ~ futurepivko
  • Oh, and I like the ideas about getting him to pay for a bigger venue, since he offered and it is so important to him to have these extra guests. Good luck!



    image
    Taco cat: Always a palindrome. ALWAYS, okay J&K?

    "cool......insult my size 2 body or my natural brown hair...or the fact that my parents own a country club, I have no budget for a wedding, and I have horses. I really dont care. Its better then having roots." ~ futurepivko
  • I agree with PPs.  Since you have already send STD's to your original guestlist not inviting them is not an option.  If it were me, I would tell my dad that he either needs to call his siblings back and tell them he made a mistake and if that is not an option then he needs to cover the cost of your lost deposit, and any costs above what you would have spent at your original venue with your original guestlist.  I would really hate saying this to my father, but HE is the one who made the mistake.
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  • Thank you everyone for helping me think this one through. The whole situation makes me laugh, because here my parents are reading a book on boundaries in relationships and yet they really overstepped this one. I need to remind myself that everything will all work out.
  • I'm in the same boat, kinda. My mom hinted to me that my step-dad wanted me to send invites to his siblings.. he is the youngest of 13 and all are married. I was in college when they got married and I really only know maybe 2 of them by name.

    I haven't broached the subject with him yet, but he and I don't have a good history with Christmases. This one could be interesting.
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