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My parents are THOSE grandparents

that buys gifts for the grandkids that parent do not like.

Part of my likes it.  My brother is an idiot anyway.  But I kind of wonder how I would feel if they went againist my wishes on certain things.  (athough DH and I are pretty chill)

For the record I have 3 nieces the same age and the other parents are the ones who sugguest the same gift for all 3 girls.  It's just my brother who always beats to a different drum.






What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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Re: My parents are THOSE grandparents

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    What is the gift? What is your brother's objection to it?
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    My friend is divorced.  Her ex is dating a woman whose parents consider themselves grandparents to the kids. 

    They send heavily religious gifts to the kids.  Neither my friend or her ex husband are religious, they are not raising the children religiously so she asked that this stop.

    Apparently, her ex and his girlfriend believe that it's for the good of the children so they won't stop it.

    "You can take your etiquette and shove it!" ~misscarolb
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    Itouch with a docking station for an 11 year old.

    Not sure the real issue.  But he does not make a lot and can't afford it on his own, so I think does not think my parents should give a gift he can't afford.   My parents are not trying by a show off.  They have the money and like to give nice gifts to their grandkids.  They have 7 grandkids and the spend the same amount on all the kids regardless on  the parent's finaancial situation.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    They know the 11 year old wants an ipod because she told her cousin (my other niece)






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    tidetraveltidetravel member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited November 2009
    So, if she wanted a pony, your parents would get it for her too? 

    Just because its something that she wants doesn't mean that she should get it.  Especially if the parents object.  IMO, that's a pretty fancy gift for an 11 year old.  I would have problems justifying getting one for my child.  There's a lot of responsibility that comes with something like that.  (My coworker got one for her 14 yr old son under the condition that he not take it to school.  He did, and it got stolen.  Big surprise)  Kid would have had to have been REALLY good, to be rewarded a present like that.

    Also, I can see dad feeling bad if he wanted to get it for her and couldn't afford it.  Grandparents should spoil their kids to a point, but not if it overrides a parent's objection.  
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    Well it would suck to be your brother's daughter and grow up constantly watching her cousins get bigger and better gifts than her.

    On the other hand, if your brother just doesn't want his daughter to get used to a lifestyle that he can't afford to give her, or learning to run to rich granny every time she wants something expensive, I can see his objection.

    Surely there must be a compromise.
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    I totally hear you tide.  This is the first year my parents did not ask my brother's opinion on the matter.  In years past they always respected his opinion.  For the record they spend $250 per kid on xmas.  They are very 'fair' when it comes to giving gifts.

    I think the problem comes that 2 of the 3 sets of parents think along the same lines. Suggesting things like Itouchs.   So the kids of the my brother get sad when they do not get the fun gifts their cousins.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    I think kids are ridiculously spoiled these days.  Ipods are things that we were taught were luxury items and if you wanted them, you worked for them.

    Some parents actually still want to teach their children that.  Which is why I spend money on my nieces and nephews, but it's never on expensive toys.  It's on clothes, books, annual memberships to the Space and Science centre or rec centres, etc.

    "You can take your etiquette and shove it!" ~misscarolb
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    The thing with a gift like that, though, is that just having the itouch isn't the end to the $ involved.  Music, applications, internet access are all added expenses to the i touch itself.  Which is something that dad would have to pay for or hear whining about.  

    I do think that it would suck to be the only cousin "left out" but at the same time, if there are valid reasons for his objections, I think that the parent's "wants" trump those of the kids'.       

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-those-grandparents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:553978c5-22d0-4cee-ba24-1d6a26732cb0Post:58c19a86-d9aa-4bf2-8cd2-646f35de94d3">Re: My parents are THOSE grandparents</a>:
    [QUOTE].<strong> On the other hand, if your brother just doesn't want his daughter to get used to a lifestyle that he can't afford to give her, or learning to run to rich granny every time she wants something expensive, I can see his objection. Surely there must be a compromise</strong>.
    Posted by ring_pop[/QUOTE]

    first my parents only give gifts for birthdays and xmas.  They never  randomly buys gifts just because.  They have a set amount they spend on everyone.  So they kid can ask for anything they want, but if is not in the budget for xmas, they are not getting it.

    Oh and this brother is the one who has his MIL pay for his kids to spend the whole summer in Crotia with her.  And the only way my parents can see his kids is if my parent pay to fly them out (or my parents fly out to see them)






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-those-grandparents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:553978c5-22d0-4cee-ba24-1d6a26732cb0Post:2eb0f77b-23fb-42e6-bcea-445c92e2c4f5">Re: My parents are THOSE grandparents</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think kids are ridiculously spoiled these days.  Ipods are things that we were taught were luxury items and if you wanted them, you worked for them.
    Posted by wadingmoose[/QUOTE]

    THIS.  I got an iPod when I was 22/23.  My brother/SIL gave my 9/10 year old niece one less than a year later.   
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    I don't have an iPod and I likely never will, mostly because of how I was raised.  It's just not a necessity.  At all.

    "You can take your etiquette and shove it!" ~misscarolb
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-those-grandparents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:553978c5-22d0-4cee-ba24-1d6a26732cb0Post:d3ab57d7-eb1a-4176-9270-053179436a63">Re: My parents are THOSE grandparents</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: My parents are THOSE grandparents : THIS.  I got an iPod when I was 22/23.  My brother/SIL gave my 9/10 year old niece one less than a year later.   
    Posted by julezlee[/QUOTE]

    I got my first IPOD at 35?.  but to be honest IPODS did not exist when I was 11.  Heck CDs did not even exist (them came out when I was 17?).  I had the last in technology with a combo 8-track, cassette, record player.

    Just saying it's hard to compare since they did not exist when I was yound.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-those-grandparents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:553978c5-22d0-4cee-ba24-1d6a26732cb0Post:3e45a25e-c5b3-4ff7-9f9d-80e0f5b30da4">Re: My parents are THOSE grandparents</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh and this brother is the one who has his MIL pay for his kids to spend the whole summer in Crotia with her.  And the only way my parents can see his kids is if my parent pay to fly them out (or my parents fly out to see them)
    Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

    You already implied that your brother doesn't have a lot of money.  This doesn't come as a surprise -  I can't imagine that there are a lot of people that can afford to send their kids overseas to visit family.  Or even, halfway across the country, for that matter.
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    True, but I also never had an atari, nintendo, or anything like that growing up.  My current Wii is the first system I've ever owned and I rarely use it.

    THAT is comparable.

    "You can take your etiquette and shove it!" ~misscarolb
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-those-grandparents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:553978c5-22d0-4cee-ba24-1d6a26732cb0Post:3e45a25e-c5b3-4ff7-9f9d-80e0f5b30da4">Re: My parents are THOSE grandparents</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: My parents are THOSE grandparents : first my parents only give gifts for birthdays and xmas.  They never  randomly buys gifts just because.  They have a set amount they spend on everyone.  So they kid can ask for anything they want, but if is not in the budget for xmas, they are not getting it.
    Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

    Sorry, Lynda... I didn't mean to imply that your parents are spoiling them rotten or anything. I was just guessing at his reasoning.
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    Oh, and just to add - your question was, I wonder how I'd feel if my parents went against my wishes. So my answer is, if those were my wishes and my reasons, I'd be pretty upset.
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    You know your right Tide.  I just do not like my brother.  He is just annoys the hell out of me. 

    ** this is the brother that for my wedding he missed his flight, because they just lost track of time.  It's cost $200 to re-book and he called my dad to make sure dad would pay the charge or they could not attend the wedding. 






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-those-grandparents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:553978c5-22d0-4cee-ba24-1d6a26732cb0Post:d8f292fa-bee9-46ca-b585-f2185478cb96">Re: My parents are THOSE grandparents</a>:
    [QUOTE]True, but I also never had an atari, nintendo, or anything like that growing up.  My current Wii is the first system I've ever owned and I rarely use it. THAT is comparable.
    Posted by wadingmoose[/QUOTE]

    We had all that stuff growing up.  I rarely used them. But both my brothers did (they are twins)






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    edited November 2009
    So it's OK for his ILs to spoil the kids with summers in Europe, but not OK for your parents to give them an iTouch?

    Why is one grandparents money so much better than the others?
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    We were told if we wanted that stuff, we had to buy it.  Our allowance was actually a salary from the farm too, so everything we wanted we actually had to work to get.

    When you're doing that, your priorities get straight really quickly.

    "You can take your etiquette and shove it!" ~misscarolb
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-those-grandparents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:553978c5-22d0-4cee-ba24-1d6a26732cb0Post:90dca69b-9a23-4180-a48d-02f2adf5645f">Re: My parents are THOSE grandparents</a>:
    [QUOTE]So it's OK for his ILs to spoil the kids with summesr in Europe, but not OK for your parents to give them an iTouch? Wehy is one grandparents moeny so much better than the others?
    Posted by aMrsin09[/QUOTE]

    I don't think this is a matter of spoiling the kids.  In this case, ILs live overseas - if they want to see their grandkids, they have to pay to have the kids sent over there to spend time with them, because brother can't afford it.

    Lynda - Your brother does sound like jerk, and I understand the frustration.  However, his kids are his to raise, and IMO, his wishes as the parent shouldn't be undermined (if their mom is in the picture, you haven't said what her POV is).  
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-those-grandparents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:553978c5-22d0-4cee-ba24-1d6a26732cb0Post:90dca69b-9a23-4180-a48d-02f2adf5645f">Re: My parents are THOSE grandparents</a>:
    [QUOTE]So it's OK for his ILs to spoil the kids with summers in Europe, but not OK for your parents to give them an iTouch? Why is one grandparents money so much better than the others?
    Posted by aMrsin09[/QUOTE]

    good question... My brother and SIL are not there the whole time, so I'm sure they are spoiled in other ways.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    I don't think that spending time with the grandparents is "spoiling" them.  It's not like the grandparents live in the US and take the kids on vacation to Croatia every year.

    THEY LIVE THERE.  I suspect that's the only time they get with their grandkids during the year.

    "You can take your etiquette and shove it!" ~misscarolb
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    Tide, sure, but two-three weeks for a visit is a lot different than a whole summer.
    Talk about setting the kids up for a lifestyle he can't afford to maintain. 
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-those-grandparents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:553978c5-22d0-4cee-ba24-1d6a26732cb0Post:2dd509dd-3973-40cf-b2cd-a3dbf207b25f">Re: My parents are THOSE grandparents</a>:
    [QUOTE]We were told if we wanted that stuff, we had to buy it.  Our allowance was actually a salary from the farm too, so everything we wanted we actually had to work to get. When you're doing that, your priorities get straight really quickly.
    Posted by wadingmoose[/QUOTE]

    moose my parents were like that..  we  got xmas and b-day gifts.  that was it.   To this day my  parents have never bought me something for the hell of it. 

    So while they might have given us a CD player for xmas with one cd.  If we wanted more cd's then we had to pay for it ourselves.  I started babysitting at age 12.  Worked at ice cream shop/deli at 16.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    Yeah, exactly.  I'm not sure what agreement my parents had with my grandparents, but they never bought us exorbitant things (comparatively speaking). 

    I think you need to respect the parents and how they want to raise their children.  And that might mean lowering the budget for all of the grandchildren or choosing different gifts.

    "You can take your etiquette and shove it!" ~misscarolb
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-those-grandparents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:553978c5-22d0-4cee-ba24-1d6a26732cb0Post:be7d840b-ff4d-4679-aca5-ee5e03665a1b">Re: My parents are THOSE grandparents</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't think that spending time with the grandparents is "spoiling" them.  It's not like the grandparents live in the US and take the kids on vacation to Croatia every year. THEY LIVE THERE.  I suspect that's the only time they get with their grandkids during the year.
    Posted by wadingmoose[/QUOTE]

    SIL's parents moved there about 5 years old.  Her dad is originally from there (mom is not).  Her mom spends 3 months a year at my brother's home in Phx.  Then the kids spends the whole summer in Croatia. 

    BTW - my parents live in  Indy and have a summer home in DE.  They only get there once every 3 years or so.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_parents-those-grandparents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:553978c5-22d0-4cee-ba24-1d6a26732cb0Post:cb09fcad-688e-4f12-b3b2-8a80ed0f674a">Re: My parents are THOSE grandparents</a>:
    [QUOTE]Tide, sure, but two-three weeks for a visit is a lot different than a whole summer. Talk about setting the kids up for a lifestyle he can't afford to maintain. 
    Posted by aMrsin09[/QUOTE]

    The airfare's the same whether they stay 3 weeks or 3 months.  As the grandparents, if I were shelling out $$ for my grandkids to visit me overseas, it wouldn't be for just a couple weeks.  I don't consider visiting family "spoiling" the kids on the same level that buying them the newest technology is. 
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