dont know what to do..

crysspears

So we are getting married July 5.. 

Just found out about that whole "You must invite a guest SO, or dont invite them at all" rule... 

So We are working with out guestlist and I tell FI that.. and basically he (I too) are pretty sick of all these small hidden rules to planning. It takes out all the fun of our planning. 

The people we are friends with and know their SOs get to bring theirs (So far, except for one of the GMs because he has two girlfriends  so to prevent them asking questions, we rovoked his (yes it is sleazy, I know)) 

But for family, I honestly dont even really talk to my cousins so I have no way of knowing if theyre dating anyone, and I dont know thier phone numbers to ask. The married cousins of course are bringing their H because theyre like in my family. My family is large (fi 's is small) so there is no way im going to give everyone a +1 cuz we would be at capacity. 

Our parents are splitting the bill and really dont care what we do, my mom says "its your wedding, you decide" and his mom probaby doesnt care either, she hasnt said anything and i've kept them all very involved in the planning. I just dont know what to do because my family doesnt have many weddings, the last one I went to I was 15, im 22 now. So I dont think everyone is too up on ettiqute rules? 

TKzilla

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-know-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:560db97a-bb93-403a-94d5-05273a8defc6Post:15440187-3e80-429f-b53a-13d2afebc577">dont know what to do..</a>:
[QUOTE]So we are getting married July 5..  Just found out about that whole "You must invite a guest SO, or dont invite them at all" rule...  So We are working with out guestlist and I tell FI that.. and basically he (I too) are pretty sick of all these small hidden rules to planning. It takes out all the fun of our planning.  The people we are friends with and know their SOs get to bring theirs (So far, except for one of the GMs because he has two girlfriends  so to prevent them asking questions, we rovoked his (yes it is sleazy, I know))  But for family, I honestly dont even really talk to my cousins so I have no way of knowing if theyre dating anyone, and I dont know thier phone numbers to ask. The married cousins of course are bringing their H because theyre like in my family. My family is large (fi 's is small) so there is no way im going to give everyone a +1 cuz we would be at capacity.  Our parents are splitting the bill and really dont care what we do, my mom says "its your wedding, you decide" and his mom probaby doesnt care either, she hasnt said anything and i've kept them all very involved in the planning. I just dont know what to do because my family doesnt have many weddings, the last one I went to I was 15, im 22 now. So I dont think everyone is too up on ettiqute rules? 
Posted by crysspears[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Surely someone has phone numbers for your cousins. How do you have their addresses to send invitations? No one is saying you HAVE to give a "plus one" to any and every single guest. They're saying it's common courtesy to invite the significant other of your guests, because they are a social unit. There is a distinct difference.

</div>

misshart00

I'm not sure what your question is. But I'll try to answer. Everyone in a relationship needs to be invited with their SO. Truly single guests do not need a plus 1. As for your GM, I would still give him a guest and let him explain to one of the girlfriends why she can't go.

itzMS

Inviting someone's significant other isn't a "hidden rule". It is the proper thing to do.

Saying "Oh I don't know you, so you can't bring your significant other" is absolutely ridiculous.

Your aunt/uncle will have your cousins' phone numbers. Or, maybe you could look them up on Facebook. It's really not that difficult.


As for the groomsman and his two girlfriends, invite him with a date, and he can choose who to bring to the wedding. I think it's a bit judgity to not let him have a date, even if you don't agree with what he' doing.

J+A 2013

You don't have to be "up on etiquette" to be offended at getting an invitation to a wedding that excludes your SO.  So even if you don't know the SO, you have to invite them.  You have to do your research about who is dating someone.  It sucks, I agree.  FI's family isn't as close as mine, so we're asking his sisters and parents to help us with getting addresses, SO information, etc. for those we don't know.

I was invited to an OOT wedding without my FI, who was my BF at the time and we lived together.  I did not attend the wedding, or give her a gift, and haven't spoken to her since.  It was rude and felt like a complete gift grab.  

aurianna

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-know-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:560db97a-bb93-403a-94d5-05273a8defc6Post:15440187-3e80-429f-b53a-13d2afebc577">dont know what to do..</a>:
[QUOTE]So we are getting married July 5..  Just found out about that whole "You must invite a guest SO, or dont invite them at all" rule...  So We are working with out guestlist and I tell FI that.. <strong>and basically he (I too) are pretty sick of all these small hidden rules to planning. It takes out all the fun of our planning.  The people we are friends with and know their SOs get to bring theirs</strong> (So far, except for one of the GMs because he has two girlfriends  so to prevent them asking questions, we rovoked his (yes it is sleazy, I know))  <strong>But for family, I honestly dont even really talk to my cousins so I have no way of knowing if theyre dating anyone, and I dont know thier phone numbers to ask</strong>. The married cousins of course are bringing their H because theyre like in my family. My family is large (fi 's is small) so there is no way im going to give everyone a +1 cuz we would be at capacity.  Our parents are splitting the bill and really dont care what we do, my mom says "its your wedding, you decide" and his mom probaby doesnt care either, she hasnt said anything and i've kept them all very involved in the planning. I just dont know what to do because my family doesnt have many weddings, the last one I went to I was 15, im 22 now. So I dont think everyone is too up on ettiqute rules? 
Posted by crysspears[/QUOTE]

As far as the cousins go: find them on facebook. Ask your parents for their sibling's numbers. Call your aunts and uncles and ask them. If they don't know, ask for their children's phone numbers. If you got their addresses (which you should have so you can send each adult cousin their own invite), you should be able to get their phone numbers.

I'm sorry if you're sick of the simple rules of common courtesy, but they are required if you want to properly host your guests who are going out of their way to watch you get married.
So you're saying if you personally know someone's SO then they get to bring them, but if you don't know their SO, they don't?
I'll save you some time and money here: Assuming you haven't sent out STDs yet, rather than not inviting a friend's SO that you don't know... just don't invite that friend either. If you don't care enough about that friend's comfort to let them bring the most important person their life, you probably aren't close enough to them to invite them to your wedding.

Not inviting an SO just because you don't personally know them is crappy. "Sorry friend. But you have to travel alone, eat alone and dance alone, because your comfort is not worth our paying for someone who may not gush over us the way we expect all the people we know to."
And what makes it even worse... if you don't know their SO, what's the reason? You don't keep in touch with your friend much (makes them an obvious guestlist cut then, IMO). Or they travel mostly in different social circles or are OOT (and both of those reasons are all the more why you <strong>should </strong>let your guest invite their SO, because odds are they won't know as many people at the wedding and/or they might have to travel).


Get in contact with your cousins. Find out who they are dating.
Reassess your guest list and figure out if you should cut people.
If you're not willing to think of a friend's comfort, I don't understand why you'd want them at your wedding.

AddieCake

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-know-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:560db97a-bb93-403a-94d5-05273a8defc6Post:d88f402b-5ad1-44ea-a24e-99f527b3e716">Re: dont know what to do..</a>:
[QUOTE]Inviting someone's significant other isn't a "hidden rule". It is the proper thing to do. Saying "Oh I don't know you, so you can't bring your significant other" is absolutely ridiculous. Your aunt/uncle will have your cousins' phone numbers. Or, maybe you could look them up on Facebook. It's really not that difficult. As for the groomsman and his two girlfriends, invite him with a date, and he can choose who to bring to the wedding. I think it's a bit judgity to not let him have a date, even if you don't agree with what he' doing.
Posted by itzMS[/QUOTE]


This. And it really rubbed me the wrong way that you said dealing with these kinds of things is taking the fun out of your planning. Sorry common courtesy is such a buzz kill.

crysspears

I personally would not be offended If FI was invited to a wedding and I wasnt if i didnt know the people. If i went to a wedding where I didnt know the couple, I personally would feel extremely awkward and not go. 

It would be easy to go on facebook and find most my cousins and ask, but most of them arent actually on facebook ( weird i know)

I ws not referring to the SO inviting as a secret rule, but to everything else im finding out as secret rules. I mean, if people ask the same questions on here multiple times a week they must be some kind of secret.. 

The groomsmen with two girls told us to revoke his +1, so we did. 

All of our friends that are coming are either dating eachother or single. Its just the family part I was asking about, I mean if my family is there and sitting together I didnt think itd be a big deal. I mean IF they are dating someone they dont bring them to family gatherings.. so hey, maybe noone is dating seriously dating anyone. 

but one more thing. Say I had 10 friends (all at the same level of friendliness); 5 single, 5 dating someone.. I only have room for 10 more people. You guys would say I would have to invite the boyfirends/girlfriends, and cut my other 5 friends?  

crysspears

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-know-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:560db97a-bb93-403a-94d5-05273a8defc6Post:58d8bfc4-e726-4a18-ab6c-dc4cd0dfe5b1">Re: dont know what to do..</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: dont know what to do.. : This. And it really rubbed me the wrong way that you said dealing with these kinds of things is taking the fun out of your planning. Sorry common courtesy is such a buzz kill.
Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>not that way. Im actually I really courteous person. I just have had noone that is really in my life tell me this is how things "need" to be. Like I said our parents have given us free reign. When I talk to fi about the stuff I read on here and tell him he gets annoyed and doesnt want to do it. Which isnt fun when I want to plan with my fi and he's frustrated. THAT isnt fun and is what  I was speaking of. </div>

AddieCake

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-know-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:560db97a-bb93-403a-94d5-05273a8defc6Post:e3a5417c-cc28-4877-8d65-eae4bb6ab0b9">Re: dont know what to do..</a>:
[QUOTE]I personally would not be offended If FI was invited to a wedding and I wasnt if i didnt know the people. If i went to a wedding where I didnt know the couple, I personally would feel extremely awkward and not go.  It would be easy to go on facebook and find most my cousins and ask, but most of them arent actually on facebook ( weird i know) I ws not referring to the SO inviting as a secret rule, but to everything else im finding out as secret rules. I mean, if people ask the same questions on here multiple times a week they must be some kind of secret..  The groomsmen with two girls told us to revoke his +1, so we did.  All of our friends that are coming are either dating eachother or single. Its just the family part I was asking about, I mean if my family is there and sitting together I didnt think itd be a big deal. I mean IF they are dating someone they dont bring them to family gatherings.. so hey, maybe noone is dating seriously dating anyone.  but one more thing. Say I had 10 friends (all at the same level of friendliness); 5 single, 5 dating someone.. I only have room for 10 more people. You guys would say I would have to invite the boyfirends/girlfriends, and cut my other 5 friends?  
Posted by crysspears[/QUOTE]


Why would he need you to revoke his plus one? Why can't he just NOT bring one? Is he a child who needs this discipline and direction?

ETA: And yes, if you only had room for 10 and 5 had SOs, you would need to cut some friends or family.

misshart00

In Response to Re:dont know what to do..:[QUOTE]The groomsmen with two girls told us to revoke his 1, so we did. Posted by crysspears[/QUOTE]

I just want to respond to this because it irks me. This guy is using you as a scapegoat to not tell his girlfriends that he's cheating on them. When they ask why they can't go, he's just going to say that you didn't give him a date an the they'll be mad at you. I would still give him a plus 1 and let him figure it out. He is not being fair to either of them and I would be ticked if a friend of mine was using me to get away with cheating.

crysspears

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-know-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:560db97a-bb93-403a-94d5-05273a8defc6Post:d2b79e53-6b7e-4a2c-9605-b287609fd4e0">Re: dont know what to do..</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: dont know what to do.. : Why would he need you to revoke his plus one? Why can't he just NOT bring one? Is he a child who needs this discipline and direction?
Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Its just what ws said in the conversation we had.. nothing too serious.. all in a joking way but serious in the he isnt bringing anyone. Its hard to get the way Our friends and I talk through the right way one here hhaha</div>

crysspears

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-know-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:560db97a-bb93-403a-94d5-05273a8defc6Post:021819e0-ea80-4412-bb31-09d94258fbf5">Re:dont know what to do..</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:dont know what to do..: I just want to respond to this because it irks me. This guy is using you as a scapegoat to not tell his girlfriends that he's cheating on them. When they ask why they can't go, he's just going to say that you didn't give him a date an the they'll be mad at you. I would still give him a plus 1 and let him figure it out. He is not being fair to either of them and I would be ticked if a friend of mine was using me to get away with cheating.
Posted by misshart00[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>If he changed his mind and DID want to bring one could I decide which one? </div>

AddieCake

I agree with Miss Hart. He's using you to dodge a bullet.

AddieCake

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-know-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:560db97a-bb93-403a-94d5-05273a8defc6Post:1da2fc07-9432-4078-8b31-c92ce7d69f01">Re:dont know what to do..</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:dont know what to do.. : If he changed his mind and DID want to bring one could I decide which one? 
Posted by crysspears[/QUOTE]


No, you do not choose the dates of your guests.

crysspears

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-know-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:560db97a-bb93-403a-94d5-05273a8defc6Post:f013ddad-5d55-4623-adad-432bdd7be2b4">Re: dont know what to do..</a>:
[QUOTE]Liatris, the wedding books I looked at said the must invites were for spouses, fiances and [some] live-in or long-time partners.  Not every BF or GF. 
Posted by NYUgirl100[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>So she says the books say that (above)-- So for my family is it long time partners/ husbands/ wifes and NOT BFs/ GFs  OR anyone with a BF/ GF? </div>

winelover123

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-know-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:560db97a-bb93-403a-94d5-05273a8defc6Post:e3a5417c-cc28-4877-8d65-eae4bb6ab0b9">Re: dont know what to do..</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I personally would not be offended If FI was invited to a wedding and I wasnt if i didnt know the people</strong>.<strong> If i went to a wedding where I didnt know the couple, I personally would feel extremely awkward and not go.</strong>  It would be easy to go on facebook and find most my cousins and ask, but most of them arent actually on facebook ( weird i know) I ws not referring to the SO inviting as a secret rule, but to everything else im finding out as secret rules. I mean, if people ask the same questions on here multiple times a week they must be some kind of secret..  The groomsmen with two girls told us to revoke his +1, so we did.  All of our friends that are coming are either dating eachother or single. Its just the family part I was asking about<strong>, I mean if my family is there and sitting together I didnt think itd be a big deal. I mean IF they are dating someone they dont bring them to family gatherings.. so hey, maybe noone is dating seriously dating anyone.</strong>  but one more thing. Say I had 10 friends (all at the same level of friendliness); 5 single, 5 dating someone.. I only have room for 10 more people.<strong> You guys would say I would have to invite the boyfirends/girlfriends, and cut my other 5 friends?</strong>  
Posted by crysspears[/QUOTE]

To the bolded:
1) That's your personal preference, which is fine, but it is only yours. You don't know if your cousins would not be offended. Etiquette says to invite the SO's of your cousins. If the SOs feel uncomfortable attending because they don't know you, they won't come. Don't take the choice away from them though.

2) It's not up to you to judge the seriousness of another's relationship. If they consider themselves in a committed relationship, no matter how new, then they are a social unit and need to be invited together. My sister and her BF are serious - but he hasn't met the family yet because there hasn't been the opportunity. Maybe your cousins' SO's haven't had the opportunity to go to family get-togethers.

3) Yes. Again, you need to invite your friends who are in relationships with their SO.

crysspears

Welp, im heading to the Gym (running out of time before work)-- Just dont want you ladies to think Im hiding and not coming back cuz im naive to wedding etiquette (;

one more Q! How do u ladies feel about children at weddings (For me, its not a budget concern) I feel like they would just be running rampant and taking all the candy and hogging the photo booth all night... Did u ladies have children at yours? Oh and is it rude to only have children under 3 becuse theyre free and more dependent on mom n dad? 

ZiggyZos

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-know-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:560db97a-bb93-403a-94d5-05273a8defc6Post:8551d9b6-aa8f-4172-a240-df3aa1672858">Re: dont know what to do..</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: dont know what to do.. : So she says the books say that (above)-- So for my family is it long time partners/ husbands/ wifes and NOT BFs/ GFs  OR anyone with a BF/ GF? 
Posted by crysspears[/QUOTE]



You would choose to follow the advice of the one person in this thread who doesn't care about being blatantly rude to her guests in the name of "etiquette".

Unfortunately this is one issue that the books haven't caught up on. What is "long term"? A year? Two years? If a year, why is being with someone for 365 days okay to garner a wedding invite but not being with someone for 330 days?

It is incredibly ridiculous to think it is acceptable to invite people to a celebration of you and your SO's love while telling them that their relationships don't matter (or aren't "serious enough" to warrant an invite).

winelover123

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-know-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:560db97a-bb93-403a-94d5-05273a8defc6Post:8551d9b6-aa8f-4172-a240-df3aa1672858">Re: dont know what to do..</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: dont know what to do.. : So she says the books say that (above)-- So for my family is it long time partners/ husbands/ wifes and NOT BFs/ GFs  OR anyone with a BF/ GF? 
Posted by crysspears[/QUOTE]

You invite <em>any</em> SO of your guests. What makes an SO long term? Who decides it? For me, long term with my now-FI was at 4 months. Before 4 months, I would not have been offended to not be included on an invitation. For some other of my girl friends, long term for them is after 2 months. My sister and her BF started seriously dating more or less as soon as they <em>started</em> dating. It works best if you just play it safe and invite all BF/GFs so you don't accidentally offend any of your guests.

And for the GM - I'd let him bring one of his girlfriends and let him explain it to the other.

ETA: It is completely up to you and your FI as to whether you invite kids or not. My FI and I are only inviting the kids in the wedding party - we aren't really fans of children, so we don't really want them there.

J+A 2013

In my experience, it's the 2-3 year olds that are running around with no regard for what's going on at a reception.  We're inviting some kids, but I initially wanted to invite none.  FI felt otherwise, but it sounds like the people he was pushing to make exceptions for (and the reason for which kids we decided to invite) aren't even planning on bringing their kids to the wedding anyway.

aurianna

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-know-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:560db97a-bb93-403a-94d5-05273a8defc6Post:daf3e479-6062-4eae-8c9d-665f41bbbf5f">Re: dont know what to do..</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: dont know what to do.. : I was referring to her advice because she found it in a book of etiqutte. Ill ask around and see.. As for kids we are inviting OOTers with kids
Posted by crysspears[/QUOTE]

It's probably pretentious quoting myself, but this was something I said when NYUgirl gave the same bad advice in another thread:

Do the wedding books you read also infuse you with magical, empathic powers to guage how serious each relationship is? Or does it give you magical, golden, love calendar to know what the perfect amount of time is to be considered "long term"?
No? Then stop giving bad advice.

Here are a few reasons why the books maybe say what they do:

1. Back 100+ years ago, most courtships were different. They were usually much quicker for one thing. And the concept of "boyfriend/girlfriend" didn't exist (at least not to the same extent). Women tended to live at home much longer, some until they were married, and that was their social unit. Until marriage conditions were agreed upon, a man and woman weren't socially linked.

But relationships have evolved, and so to should etiquette. So your books could be holding onto old ideas that were acceptable some time ago, but now that a person can be in a social unit that is not their family, even if they aren't married, that unit must be invited as a whole.

2. We all know the wedding industry is a racket. So if some etiquette book writers who are part of the wedding industry tell brides it's ok to not invite SOs, aka "it's ok to just invite half a social unit", then rather than inviting 50 couples/social units, brides might instead invite 100 halves of social units. That's 100 invites instead of 50. That's potentially 100 presents bought from registries instead of 50. That's 100 congratulation cards bought instead of 50. Kaching kaching kaching, says the wedding industry.

Listening to a book that's either antiquated or corrupted is silly when your common sense can tell you so much more.

You are really going to draw an arbitrary timeline when some people get engaged after 2 months and others after 20 years? (example: My uncle engaged at 2 months. my mom and stepdad engaged after 14 years)
You are really going to say that live-in couples would get invited while those that don't live together wouldn't? You realize you could be discrimating against your friend's religious beliefs right? Or how about my case: My husband and I were long-distance for 6 years. We were waiting to get engaged until we knew we'd find a job in the same city. We finally said the heck with it and even spent the first year of our marriage in different states. But we'd be trumped by another couple just because they happened to be shacking up?

Everyone's situation is different, so you must realize drawing some random line in the sand is going to p*$$ people off, and rightly so.

Stop listening to stupid books. Use common sense.

Peledreamsofrain

If it helps, you can stop thinking of it as etiquette, and start thinking of it in simpler terms.  Like, being nice to people.

I mean, if I received an invitation that excluded my SO of 3 years, I wouldn't think in terms of "My, how against etiquette this is!".  Instead I would think "WTH did I ever do to this lady?  What a mean thing to do to us."

So.... think of it as not being mean to people, if 'etiquette' is a a dirty word?

Kate61487

You also have to consider that those etiquette books were likely originally written in the time of, like, pride and prejudice where a relationship basically began with some visits for tea and the next thing you're engaged before you really know each other.  They didn't really do "seriously dating".  Inviting all couples, regardless of duration or marital status allows you to not offend one of your guests who may have logical reasons for not yet being engaged and/or living together.  It's just being nice.

As for kids:  We did invite them. Like PP in our families weddings are family events that include children, I couldn't imagine the day without them.  We also did family and OOT guests only; though I wish we'd just gone ahead and done all kids because it would not have added many and I found out after the fact that a good friend had to decline for lack of a sitter.  We invited 48 kids and 31 attended (29 under 13; 10 under 5).  We had a wonderful time.  They were all well behaved, but I knew that going in because none of our friends or family have "holy terrors" that some people think is synonymous with "child".  No one stuck their hands in the cake or knocked anything over or broke anything.  The girls in particular were definitely present on the dance floor and having a BLAST, but it didn't seem to discourage any of our friends from getting up and dancing as well. 

As PP mentioned the under 3 crowd is actually more likely to be sticking their hands where they don't belong, so that seems a bit of an arbitrary cut off.  Especially if that age will separate siblings (i.e. 6yo Tommy's not invited but 2yo Suzie is) I would re-think it.  It's not uncommon to do infants only, so that might be an option for you if you're concerned for someone in particular.

peekaboo2011

Another situation for you to consider: BF and I started out long distance.  We've been together over a year now, and in that time we've been invited to two different weddings.  The first invite came about a month after we started dating.  He was listed on the invite by name, ultimately we couldn't go because I was in an unpaid internship in FL and he was in DC and the wedding was in CA.  The bride is also a knottie, and we're quite friendly on and off the boards - had she not invited him, it would have been a giant freaking deal, and we wouldn't be very close friends.  Partially because I probably would have stomped my feet over here and complained about it.  Invites went out a couple weeks after we started dating, and we were serious from the get go.  By your logic (and NYU's), he shouldn't have been invited, but it meant a lot to me that she called and made sure she got his name right for the invite.

BF and I also have a mutual friend getting married this year.  There were some strong hints on FB that she was already married, so I flat out asked her, and she told me she didn't care about her guests, she wanted her PPD, and she was following the "no ring, no bring" rule unless she knew both parties in the relationship.  What she doesn't know is that I told our entire friend group, and we're all anxiously awaiting our invites to check "Will not attend."  Because that is a b*tch move on her part, and we're not flying halfway across the country when our friends in relationships would be traveling alone.

Disregarding someone's relationship can be considered a friendship ending move.  You don't want to lose your friends, or have contact cut off with your family, because you decided they weren't serious enough for your wedding.

happyfor25

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-know-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:560db97a-bb93-403a-94d5-05273a8defc6Post:555f5607-c296-4f08-a4fc-325cdd07c2e9">Re: dont know what to do..</a>:
[QUOTE]If it helps, you can stop thinking of it as etiquette, and start thinking of it in simpler terms.  Like, being nice to people. I mean, if I received an invitation that excluded my SO of 3 years, I wouldn't think in terms of "My, how against etiquette this is!".  Instead I would think "WTH did I ever do to this lady?  What a mean thing to do to us." So.... think of it as not being mean to people, if 'etiquette' is a a dirty word?
Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]

Well said!

crysspears

I didnt say I was going to disregard someones relation becuase they didnt live together. I said I agreed with the inviting of a spouse/ long term relationship. Personally I wont invite a 15y/o's boyfriend that he/shes been dating for 4 months. But my 30 y/o cousin that has a boyfirend  I can see inviting. I just have to have my mom figure out who is dating anyone. 

Kristin789

• If your parents' names will be on the top line of your wedding invitation, as the people who are requesting the honour of the guests' presence at this wedding, then the guest list issues should be handled by your parents as the hosts of the wedding. 
• Your parents know how to contact your aunt and find out if your cousins are engaged or living with someone, etc.
• Your parents know whether they can afford to give everyone a +1, or only include SO's.
• Your parents know how to deal with these things, because they are hosting a family wedding.  You need to turn to BRIDE things and let the other people do what they do.

TheBaysideBride

Hmmm, there are a lot of folks who draw the line at engaged/livign together, and dont invite boyfriends and girlfriends of friends, if the couple doesn't know them. You're obliged to invited someone who is in a SERIOUS relationship. Whether you give plus-ones to everyone who's dating someone is a different story.

Peledreamsofrain

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_dont-know-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:560db97a-bb93-403a-94d5-05273a8defc6Post:60dfb3c6-c13d-41f6-a930-cc9be313d352">Re: dont know what to do..</a>:
[QUOTE]If your parents' names will be on the top line of your wedding invitation, as the people who are requesting the honour of the guests' presence at this wedding, then the guest list issues should be handled by your parents as the hosts of the wedding.  Your parents know how to contact your aunt and find out if your cousins are engaged or living with someone, etc. Your parents know whether they can afford to give everyone a +1, or only include SO's. Your parents know how to deal with these things, because they are hosting a family wedding.  You need to turn to BRIDE things and let the other people do what they do.
Posted by Kristin789[/QUOTE]

Que?  None of her posts indicated that the parents are doing anything other than gifting money.  In fact, her first post explicitly states that her mom told her that the planning was all her.  Paying doesn't automatically equal hosting.

ridedatbike

I feel your pain lol I didn't know about this till I came here. I mean hubby's no brainers when I really thought about it finances made sense to but bfs I felt absolutely no obligation. If I was just dating my fi I think its absolutely rediculous for my cousin to have to invite him to her wedding. If she wants to that's nice but we weren't attatched at the hip and everyone around here was like that family did seperate family things without bf/gf. So this was allllll new to me. I read into it the exact way you did "like really? So I have to invite john who I've never met in my life and they're like only dating before I invite someone I actually know and have a close relationship with, who I honestly feel obligated to invite." It starts to feel better though once you're in the know.