Wedding Etiquette Forum

Is it OK not to invite my brother to my wedding?

I am reaching out for advice/support here for a tough situation that I am in. 

My parents went through a bad divorce about 13 years ago.  My dad had been married previously and so I have 3 half-siblings (I am the only child from my parents' marriage).  My dad passed away 9 years ago but my siblings and my mom haven't spoken for a few years now due to their taking my dad's side in the divorce.  I have a good relationship with my sister and one of my brothers, and their kids will be in the WP.  My mother is going to walk me down the aisle, so it's going to be a bit awkward but I do trust my brother and sister to be civil towards my mom and vice-versa. 

However, my oldest brother is my main concern here.  He is 18 years older than me so he and I have never had much of a relationship, and the truth is that I really can’t stand him.  Plus, he has always been out-and-out hostile towards my mother and takes every opportunity he can to bash her.  Furthermore, he tends to act completely inappropriately in social/family situations.  Just to give an example: at the repast after our cousin’s funeral a couple of years ago, he got so drunk he couldn’t even stand, and we wound up having to take care of him, drive him home, etc. He is also just generally crude, loud and obnoxious.  I am nervous to have him at the wedding because I just don’t trust him to be civil when in the same room as my mother, especially considering his hatred towards her and his past behavior at family functions.  Am I being selfish in not wanting to invite him?  I just really do not want to spend my wedding day stressing over what may happen if my oldest brother is present.
 Personally, I would not miss him at all at my wedding and the only reason I would invite him is because I’d feel obligated because he is family.  That coupled with my fears about his behavior have made me think that it would be better not to invite him.  HOWEVER – I am very nervous about how my other brother and sister would respond to this.  He and my other brother have always had a close relationship even though they are very different in many ways.  The younger brother has always had this sense of fierce loyalty to our oldest brother which I do not understand.  So I am afraid that if I tell him and my sister that I am not inviting our oldest brother, they will react badly and possibly hold a grudge or even not want their kids to be in the WP. I know this is kind of a complicated situation, but has anyone out there gone through something similar?  I have been thinking about this a lot and the situation has been making me very sad and stressed and I do not want to feel this way about my wedding day! Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this? I would appreciate any and all feedback!

Re: Is it OK not to invite my brother to my wedding?

  • I think this is a question only you can answer.
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  • Only you can answer this question.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • You won't be breaking any rules of etiquette by not inviting him.  Only you can answer whether it's worth the family drama that may or may not arise as a result of that decision.
  • Ditto PPs -- you're the only one who can decide whether the potential drama is worth it. It sounds like you have no interest in having a relationship with him, so if the siblings that you are close to would understand, I wouldn't think twice about NOT inviting him.
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  • I agree with PPs, you are not required to invite anyone that you don't want to invite, but it is up to you whether or not you want to invite him.

    I will say this: While I don't agree with brides saying "It's MY day", it is your wedding, and you shouldn't invite anyone you don't want to just to appease other people.
  • Thanks, MillkDuds! Did you have a discussion with you other sisters and family members ahead of time so they knew that you wouldn't be inviting your one sister? I am trying to think of the best way to handle this with my other siblings and thought I maybe should talk with them first before breaking the news to my oldest brother.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-ok-not-to-invite-my-brother-to-my-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5651c231-2ceb-4c51-9dd2-4df597f233caPost:2bbe0652-a8cd-491c-b751-f249e9039472">Re: Is it OK not to invite my brother to my wedding?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is it OK not to invite my brother to my wedding? : I didn't really discuss it with my parents or siblings. H and I talked about inviting her vs. not inviting her at length and he left the decision up to me.  It was more of a statement of "We won't be inviting sister to our wedding.  Is that something that is going to be a big deal or can you respect our decision?" For the most part, I didn't see it as up for discussion.  KWIM?
    Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

    Yes, I do - and I agree.  I am just anxious about having to deal with ugly family stuff so I am being extra-cautious, even though what I really want to do is just say, "listen, d-bag, no way in hell you're coming to my wedding." Family issues can be so stressful!  Thanks for your responses.
  • OP, are you planning on outright telling your older brother he's not invited? If I were in your situation, I would just not mention it to him and he can figure it out when he doesn't get an invite. 
  • We aren't inviting one of my brothers to our wedding.  My immediate family understands, so it's a different situation from yours in that way. 

    But, beyond my immediate family, if anyone asks about him we will just say that he couldn't make it and leave it at that - no need to go into more details.  I've had that question a few times already, and no one has batted an eye at my response.

    Good luck with whatever you decide to do!
  • Ditto PP on inviting who you feel should be there.  At this point, it is up to FI as to whether or not we invite his dad, who would rather FI cheat on me than stay in a relationship with me.  There has been a lot of hurt feelings surrounding his father, and I'm trying not to pressure things one way or the other. 

    As this is going to be my second (and last) time down the aisle, my main concern is that everyone there supports us and the start of our life together.  If his father can come around to accepting us, that's great.  If not?  I highly doubt he'd show up.  And if he does, he'll be outnumbered and I doubt much drama would be allowed.
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  • shukjenshukjen member
    First Comment
    edited February 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-ok-not-to-invite-my-brother-to-my-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5651c231-2ceb-4c51-9dd2-4df597f233caPost:26a978ae-1453-46d5-a85d-ee8f771d14bd">Re: Is it OK not to invite my brother to my wedding?</a>:
    [QUOTE]OP, are you planning on outright telling your older brother he's not invited? If I were in your situation, I would just not mention it to him and he can figure it out when he doesn't get an invite. 
    Posted by MoonlightSilver[/QUOTE]

    I was planning on telling him ahead of time, but in a very diplomatic way and frame it like, 'you know you don't get along with my mom and I'm afraid that having the two of you in the same room would create a lot of unnecessary tension and more stress than is fair for me to deal with on my wedding day.  So, I hope you can see things from my perspective and understand the difficult decision I have had to make in asking that you step aside for that day and agree not to attend.'

    I'm afraid if I just don't mention it my other sibs would accuse me of handling it badly.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-ok-not-to-invite-my-brother-to-my-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5651c231-2ceb-4c51-9dd2-4df597f233caPost:20181b86-7028-4f97-b3a1-a460e9dd3ef7">Re: Is it OK not to invite my brother to my wedding?</a>:
    [QUOTE]We aren't inviting one of my brothers to our wedding.  My immediate family understands, so it's a different situation from yours in that way.  But, beyond my immediate family, if anyone asks about him we will just say that he couldn't make it and leave it at that - no need to go into more details.  I've had that question a few times already, and no one has batted an eye at my response. Good luck with whatever you decide to do!
    Posted by miranda1211[/QUOTE]

    Thanks! While I'm sorry you're dealing with family issues, too, it is also comforting to know that I'm not the only one facing this type of situation.
  • I think it's up to you, but I can understand your feelings and I would hope your siblings could respect that decision.  If your younger brother is aware that you aren't close and he is, then he should be able to appreciate that relationships vary and that's okay.

    FWIW my mother isn't invited to my wedding.  I cut her out of my life in 2008 after a lifetime of abuse.  Everyone else in her family is invited, including her mother (my Nanny).  She asked if I was inviting her and I said no, and that was the end of it, because the family knows what she put me through.  It's an odd feeling and a part of me feels like FI's family will be looking around or mistake my stepmother for my mother (ugh, no; she and I are polite at best).  But I made a choice that was best for me, and I am prepared to deal with those reactions.  Ultimately, a little drama and questions beforehand is better than inviting someone who has been violent towards me and others in my family.

    Good luck, OP. 
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