How wrong was I?

hriderchamp76

Ok, so yes I know partly I am wrong for this, but I'm not sure if I handled this correctly.

Our wedding is about 120 people, without kids.  We have 3 kids coming to the wedding, who are in the wedding party (mini-maid, fg, rb).  We are at our top capacity (and the rb and fg don't count in the total due to their age), and thus we did not invite children.  Food alone would add $2500 jfor kids that we know would come if they were invited, not to mention would take places of people we really wanted there.  Plus I think it's a great night out for their parents.  Everyone has been excited for their night out, but one of the kids that was not invited decided it was appropriate to b*tch me out in a message on Facebook telling me she was p*ssed off for not being invited, and that I didn't consider her "family.'  I can understand why she was mad, especially since her little sister is the mini-maid, however, there were several reasons I did not invite her.

1- no one under 18 is invited to the wedding except these 3, all of which are very well behaved and therefore there would be no one there near her age (13).

2- we are already at our capacity before kids, and I didn't want to start the "johnny wasn't invited but suzy was" drama.  Even my nephew isn't invited, who is 16 months, due to age and it being "adult only."

3- Her half-sister's mom (her step mom) told me not to invite her, and if we did she would not be brought down with them anyways.

4- she would be insanely jealous of her half-sister getting to be in all the pictures, get her hair and makeup done, wear the "pretty dress" and be in all the wedding party pictures and she would act out  (her step mom also voiced this concern)

5- it's a Sunday wedding (so she would miss Friday to travel, sit around Saturday for the rehearsal, and Monday to travel, therefore missing 2 days of school, which her bio mom wouldn't allow)

6- We were not sure if her bio mom would let her come since it's 300+ miles away

7-She is...well was.. VERY clingy towards me, rarely letting me be more than 10 feet from her.  It gets to the point she waits for me to go to the bathroom.

Overall,  it was both the decision of her step mom, my FI, and me not to invite her.  I do feel bad about it, but I just felt it was not the best decision due to these reasons.  I tried explaining to her that yes, I did want her there, (which is true to a degree, because she is sweet when she wants to be), but due to size restrictions, budget, and the favortism aspect, I couldn't invite her.  I told her that she was important to me, but even my blood nephew wasn't invited, and if we invited one child we would have to invite them all, and that was out of our budget.

What do you guys think?  Did I handle this correctly? or should I invite her?

[Deleted User]

Why do you think you have to justify your decision to a 13 year old?

arendiva

You don't have to invite her. On a side note though I personally think that if you are having a childfree wedding it should be 100% childfree (thus avoiding these sticky situations) But that's my personal opinion and not any sort of etiquette rule.

hoffse

OK to be honest, you don't need to invite her.  But I think it's very strange that you asked her half-sister to be involved and not her, if she's that clingy to you.  I don't really know your relationship -presumably you are related if you're facebook friends with a 13 year old?  Or something?

I think the mistake was in picking between sisters when they are both young, unless there was some reason I'm not catching here.  While it's certainly not required by etiquette, SURELY you knew that a 13 year old would want the day to be pampered, girly, etc and would be insanely jealous.  I also would be a little concerned that her stepmom was cool with her not being invited but the other daughter (the stepmoms bio daughter?) being involved.  I feel lik there's some sort of family dynamic I'm missing here before I can give you any advice.

hriderchamp76

Sorry if my other post changed to here! I changed it back! Stupid phone! (lol)

But yes, it's a complicated family thing, but I am actually closer with the much younger half sister, because the 13 year old isn't always around (blended family), where the younger one is always there when we visit and I grew closer to her.  She's half the other daughters age, and is more into what I like, as I'm not really a "girly girl" and she understands me better.  I tried to make her see why, especially with her getting so cranky about it, and her to see I wasn't specificlly singling her out.  I originally wanted the sister as a flower girl, but due to my soon to be hubby adding another guy I didn't want to add another person just because, but rather "promoted" the young half-sister.

hoffse

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_so-how-wrong-was-i?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:56ad0a53-b97a-4f9b-859c-e7fcf0684219Post:70f5addb-552d-4495-9afe-71e45b04f04b">Re: How wrong was I?</a>:
[QUOTE]Sorry if my other post changed to here! I changed it back! Stupid phone! (lol) But yes, it's a complicated family thing, but I am actually closer with the much younger half sister, because the 13 year old isn't always around (blended family), where the younger one is always there when we visit and I grew closer to her.  She's half the other daughters age, and is more into what I like, as I'm not really a "girly girl" and she understands me better.  I tried to make her see why, especially with her getting so cranky about it, and her to see I wasn't specificlly singling her out.  I originally wanted the sister as a flower girl, but due to my soon to be hubby adding another guy I didn't want to add another person just because, but rather "promoted" the young half-sister.
Posted by hriderchamp76[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Ok so let me get this straight.  This is a blended family situation, and you chose one sister over the other because you feel like she understands you better.  But the girl can't be older than 6 or 7 from what you are describing here... and you feel like a maybe-7 year old actually understands you (an adult) and thus it's ok to leave her sister out?  Sorry but I feel like being "close" to children isn't the same as being close to a pair of adult siblings where you can pick and choose, and everybody is cool with that.  I would imagine the 13 year old is not only feeling jealous but also left out of this blended family she has no choice but be a part of.  It's sort of like how I have a cousin who is adopted, and one of my aunts always talks about the "adopted cousin" as opposed to the "natural cousins."  Needless to say, she has completely alienated herself from everybody who accepts my cousin as who he is - my cousin - whether he is biologically related to me or not.  </div><div>
</div><div>I may be in the minority here, but I feel like you need to treat children equally, particularly children of the same gender.  We have two girls handing out programs for us, and while one I am "closer" to (if you can say that about a child?) I asked her sister to do the same thing so that there wouldn't be drama between them.  </div><div>
</div><div>No, you don't have to justify yourself to a 13-year old, but I think you made a mistake by doing this and drawing attention to the fact that the family is blended, because that's very likely what you've done in her mind.</div>

lyndausvi

Look I'm all for no-kid weddings.  I'm even a fan of only WP kids or only family kids.  I only had my nieces/nephews in my own wedding.   

I would have 100% invited her to the wedding.  I think it's just mean to to spilt them up.  I'm sure there is some family drama with her half sister getting to spend more time with dad and such.  

I would have let the step-mom or the bio be the bad guys for not letting her go.

Too late now. Whatever you do do not get into this on FB.  Let her vent, she is 13 and hurt.  I would be also.  Just do not response to her.

hoffse

Oh and sides don't have to be even.  Your wedding party are not props.  I'm not trying to be rude/mean here, but this seems so short-sighted.  I think you need to understand how this choice might seem to the 13 year old and look at things from her side for a bit... particularly if she is part of your family and is going to be around for the rest of your life.

23BRIDE2B

This is easy.. in my opinion.. your an adult.. she is not. Her mom, (stepmom i think you said) flat out told you that they wouldn't have brought her anyway even if you would have included her in the invite, she clearly is known to act out/act up.. ..and she is clearly just having a temper tantrum.  You invited three children!!! That's it!! Just three it's not like you included every child you know except her, this is clearly just a sibling ..she gets to do something i dont get to do sort of rivalry. Fine. Ignore her. She is 13 either she will choose to grow up eventually, or not. Either way, not a loss, she is 13.. and she is just angry. The most I would give her is maybe a "I'm sorry you feel this way, but we decided to strictly not invite children other then members of the wedding party." Just be sure to be adult about it and hope that one day she understands that maybe it wouldn't be her way of doing things.. but it isn't her wedding and less face it, the 13 year old is not footing the bill.

mmmendi

Overall,  it was both the decision of her step mom, my FI, and me not to invite her.  I do feel bad about it, but I just felt it was not the best decision due to these reasons.  I tried explaining to her that yes, I did want her there, (which is true to a degree, because she is sweet when she wants to be), but due to size restrictions, budget, and the favortism aspect, I couldn't invite her.  I told her that she was important to me, but even my blood nephew wasn't invited, and if we invited one child we would have to invite them all, and that was out of our budget. I think this answer is marginally ok, and really all we needed to know. I think you feel guilty because you don't think it was handled fairly. Thirteen is a difficult age! I think you should have reiterated that you are looking forward to seeing her at the next available opportunity(be specific or she will volunteer the wedding). You might consider a special trip for ice cream or shoe shopping or whatever to spend time with her - if you wish to give her reaffirmation, be honest about how you can focus on that and not the wedding. Give it a few days before anything.

KellyBrian2013

In Response to Re:How wrong was I?:[QUOTE]Overall,  it was both the decision of her step mom, my FI, and me not to invite her.  I do feel bad about it, but I just felt it was not the best decision due to these reasons.  I tried explaining to her that yes, I did want her there, which is true to a degree, because she is sweet when she wants to be, but due to size restrictions, budget, and [b]the favortism aspect, I couldn't invite her[/b].  I told her that she was important to me, but even my blood nephew wasn't invited, and if we invited one child we would have to invite them all, and that was out of our budget.

I think this answer is marginally ok, and really all we needed to know. I think you feel guilty because you don't think it was handled fairly. Thirteen is a difficult age! I think you should have reiterated that you are looking forward to seeing her at the next available opportunitybe specific or she will volunteer the wedding. You might consider a special trip for ice cream or shoe shopping or whatever to spend time with her if you wish to give her reaffirmation, be honest about how you can focus on that and not the wedding. Give it a few days before anything. Posted by mmmendi[/QUOTE]

You told her she wasn't invited because she wasn't your favorite child?

RebeccaB88

I think most all of this could have been prevented if you'd extended her the invitation as part of the rest of the family, and then let HER PARENTS decide whether or not she was going to attend. 

If I found out that I was the only family member not invited to something special for someone special to me, I'd be pretty damn hurt. 

Viczaesar

I think it's douchey to invite some of the kids in a family but deliberately leave others out.  Within family units it should be all or nothing.

jcrmc

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_so-how-wrong-was-i?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:56ad0a53-b97a-4f9b-859c-e7fcf0684219Post:e73e53a5-cc56-4cf3-833a-f80050bc1e7b">Re:How wrong was I?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:How wrong was I?: You told her she wasn't invited because she wasn't your favorite child?
Posted by KellyBrian2013[/QUOTE]

I think by "favouritism" she meant in respect to all the other non-invited kids. At least, that's what I figured out from it...

jcrmc

I think that, if you have a niece/nephew in the WP, all the siblings from that family should be invited or else NONE of the kids come - IE get a babysitter for the reception part who can watch the WP kids at someone's house or hotel suite.

HOWEVER

You are the adult. You have no responsibility to explain yourself to her past "No other kids are coming from either side of the family. I love you and you are important to me, but this is the way it is."

Kristin789

>>I would have let the step-mom or the bio be the bad guys for not letting her go.

"I'm sorry you feel that way, Emma, but you will have to talk to your step-mom and your bio-mom about this.  The real truth is not that I didn't invite you.  The real truth is that your step-mom and your bio-mom are taking care of you, and they advised me that you were not able to come to the wedding.  Period.  And in the future, you will want to talk to your step-mom and your bio-mom about situations, and not write all sorts of hateful things on a public forum like Facebook.  That really looks bad on you."

RamonaFlowers

I am all for "no kids" and "only kids in the WP" being invited. However, I would never split up underaged siblings like that to begin with, because it's just borrowing trouble. Of course somebody's going to get their feelings hurt! Basically, you're telling the kid "Well, we're not having kids, but little Suzie (Who's half your age) is super cute ... so we're going to make an exception for her, and not you."

And the fact that the only person you're talking to about this is the step-mom (Dear gawd, I think I just lit the NYUgirl Bat Signal, kill me now) of the uninvited girl/bio-mom to the invited girl is irritating me to no end. What does the girl's father have to say about all this? Would he really have chosen to leave the 13-year-old out? Or is his wife that possibly always pulls every string imaginable to exclude the child that's "not hers" from everything just saying that?

You should have either not invited any children, or in the case of WP member, extended the invitation to the whole family and let the parents of the children in question decide from there. What you chose to do (And your reasoning for it: "I relate the the 7-year-old better"?) just makes you look like a jerk.

Calypso1977

so its  afamily of four, and 3 of the four are invited?

in this case, i think you were wrong not to invite her.

but as someone else said, you either go kid free or you dont to avoid potential drama. 

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_so-how-wrong-was-i?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:56ad0a53-b97a-4f9b-859c-e7fcf0684219Post:fc06aa7d-aef2-4228-824b-bf1ec9edf4ea">Re: How wrong was I?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think it's douchey to invite some of the kids in a family but deliberately leave others out.  Within family units it should be all or nothing.
Posted by Viczaesar[/QUOTE]

Does <em>nobody</em> remember the teeter-totter incident?


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purplebear17

I feel like whenever people throw out the "plus it's a great night out for the parents!", they are trying to justify the choice in their head. You don't want or can't afford kids. Fine. Own that choice. All parents aren't itching to get away from their kids, so don't justify your choice by the fact that you are doing them some kind of favor. Some are, all aren't. Your choice is your choice, and your choice is ok. Grow some thicker skin and accept the consequences of that choice.
Ok, off my soapbox  In regards to your family, no, I don't think you handled it correctly. Though it may be ok etiquette-wise to split families at a certain age, I don't think it's good for family relationships at all. I remember as a teen not being invited to a cousin's wedding where my older sister was, and it felt pretty crappy. Not that I pined over it or anything, but my parents had to make arrangements for me because literally the entire rest of the family was invited. It feels bad, especially if you're old enough to be aware that a wedding means pretty clothes, a fancy cake, and dancing. 13 year olds aren't necessarily up on social graces - they don't know it's ok to cut off people based on age, and like PP said, it probably does feel like "they want everyone there except ME."

For the individual points:
3- you are making excuses. Her mom could have declined for her if she didn't want the girl to come. Don't blame your choice not to invite on her mom.
4- this is a problem with having one sibling and not another in the wedding party. Again, when you make that choice, you accept it. I've seen so much drama with people picking one sister as a BM and not the other, or who will be MOH. If you have to pick, expecially with children, you're going to get jealousy. Better to pick someone different, or include both sisters.
5- this is a choice that bio-mom could/should have made, not you for her.
6- when people invite anyone OOT, and they ask on here if they should invite someone far away, the answer is typically yes. You never know. My crazy family came to my OOT wedding because they made it into a family vacation. I didn't expect it, but I was happy to see them. The general rule is that you shouldn't make choices for people - her mom is an adult and could have said no if she needed to.

I get where you were coming from. I really do. I think you can't invite her now without causing a ton of trouble with other kids. I know when I left mine home at a recent "adults only" wedding and saw kids at the reception I was very put off and felt lied to by the B&G. Don't make things worse with the rest of your guests. You shouldn't make exceptions for some and not others. Maybe do like PP said and schedule some non-wedding time with her, something for you and her to do together. 13 is a crappy age. She probably looks up to you as a cool young woman - she's trying to find a role  model. Don't invite her at this point, but do try to make time for her if you can.

MrsGandthebeag

I'm all for kid free weddings.  Ours was.  But, really if I were you I would've invited the sister.  Jeez.  You could've left it up to the parents to decide whether she could come or not.  Does she live with her mom or dad, or both splitting her time?  It's not clear from your post.

banana468

I'm all for adult events.   DH and I will leave DD with a sitter and we'll have a blast.

However you're not having an adult event.   You're having kids there.   PLUS, you're splitting up a nuclear family by inviting one sibling and not another.

If limiting children was that important then you wouldn't have had child attendants and you wouldn't have asked the younger sibling to be in the wedding.