Help me think of some little task

ohwhynot

for my fi's niece, please.  Here's the deal:  she's 14, kind of full of herself and immature, but she is my fi's godchild and they've always had a close bond.   Overall, she's a sweet kid and she definitely means well.  Over the weekend, we visited their home and she asked fi if she could "be in the wedding."  She also asked me if she could be a junior bridesmaid.   Fi says he wants to give her some smallish role. 

The only attendants we're having is fi's best friend as best man and my two children in some capacity (they want to be flower girl and ring bearer).  I honestly don't want to "showcase" any other children in teh wedding because this is a big deal to my children, their "family structure" is changing and I want them to feel special and included.  Does it make sense that I don't want to "dilute" their roles by having her do a reading or something similar?  Maybe I'm making too much of it.

In any event, I wasn't planning on doing up programs, but maybe I will now just to give her something to pass out to people.  I am not a big fan of the usual bullsh*t jobs like "gift table attendant" or "program passer-outer" but in this case I would like to find some role for this girl.  Any ideas?

betrothed123

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_think-of-little-task?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:56afdcd9-ad45-4a82-adad-3f640435cfa6Post:1ff58ec1-0cfe-4063-bdff-d5f18070d8e4">Help me think of some little task</a>:
[QUOTE] Does it make sense that I don't want to "dilute" their roles by having her do a reading or something similar?
Posted by ohwhynot[/QUOTE]
In short, no it does not make sense.

danieliza1127

For her age and the fact that she asked to be in the wedding, I think handing out programs would be fine for her.  I understand what you're saying about the kid's role in the wedding.

FWIW, when my 8 year old niece asked if she could be our flowergirl, I sweetly explained that we weren't having any kids in the wedding and told her no.  It was fine.  You can say no and offer a nice explanation if you want to.

wadingmoose

You're making too much of it.  Your children's lives are changing, but your FI's niece will experience a change in her relationship with her uncle - particularly if they're close right now. 

If he would like her to be involved in the ceremony, you really should find a way for her to do so in some way.  I think at 14, she's fully capable of doing a reading if she's comfortable standing up in front of people to do so.  That does not dilute your children's roles in any way.

It isn't like this is some strange child, it's your FI's niece and god daughter. 

lyndausvi

I think you are making too much of this.

She is 14, have her do a reading and be done with it.

 Just because you have children does not mean your husband needs to cut ties with children important in his life.

sarabellam

At 14 she is certainly old enough to do a reading. 14 year-olds are most often immature and full of themselves; it's the nature of the beast.

sucrets4

Your excessive use of quotes reminds me of when I was in 3rd grade and for some reason put them around random words in my homework.

I got a big WTF from my teacher, but much nicer, of course.

MyNameIsNot

If you don't want her in the wedding, just say no.  It's not a dirty word. 

ohwhynot

Thanks for the responses so far.  FWIW, I'm not trying to cut off all ties between fi and his niece.  They live 8 hours apart and see each other on special occasions - her relationship with him is hardly going to "change" because we're getting married. 

To be perfectly honest, and reveal what a b*tch I am, I was annoyed and felt put on the spot when she asked to be in the wedding.   The only children I really want involved are my children, and fi's soon-to-be stepchildren.  I have 15 nephews and nieces, and fi has 8; she's not the only child in our families, although she is fi's only godchild.  Ah well, like I said, she means well, and I will have to find some role for her.  Being a reader seems too big a role, though.  

betrothed123

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_think-of-little-task?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:56afdcd9-ad45-4a82-adad-3f640435cfa6Post:472d6d2f-f8f3-4940-8562-848e55e9979e">Re: Help me think of some little task</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for the responses so far.  FWIW, I'm not trying to cut off all ties between fi and his niece.  They live 8 hours apart and see each other on special occasions - her relationship with him is hardly going to "change" because we're getting married.  To be perfectly honest, and reveal what a b*tch I am, I was annoyed and felt put on the spot when she asked to be in the wedding.   The only children I really want involved are my children, and fi's soon-to-be stepchildren.  I have 15 nephews and nieces, and fi has 8; she's not the only child in our families, although she is fi's only godchild.  Ah well, like I said, she means well, and I will have to find some role for her.  Being a reader seems too big a role, though.  
Posted by ohwhynot[/QUOTE]
According to your OP, your FI wants her to have a role.  That should be more than enough reason for you to want her to have a role as well.

You sound like a total brat, in all honesty.  Giving her a role in your wedding is not negating or "diluting" your children at all.  You're one of THOSE parents aren't you?  You know, the ones who think their child has to be the center of attention all the time?

ohwhynot

I try not to be "that" parent.  I've fretted on this board before about not wanting to be show-offy with my children.  I do, however, want them to feel special on that day.   But now that I think more than two seconds about it, I guess they already will.  They're going to be the only attendants and one of them may do a reading (undecided on that).  

That said,  I think it was rude and ill-mannered of the girl to ask us, point blank, to be in the wedding.  She's not 5; she's 14 and in the 8th grade.  

So, outside of doing a reading or passing out programs, are there any other ideas? 

ac_in_dc

Between us, DH and I have 10  nephews and 3 nieces. So I asked 2 nieces to be flower girls and one to be a jr. bridesmaid.

My nephews didn't mind too much...some of them handed out programs. One made a toast at the rehearsal dinner. I also did a special dance with all of my nephews after the cake cutting. You could ask FI's niece to prepare a toast for the RD or the reception, or have him do a special dance with her.

ssmoke920

If your having bubbles or rice or something of that nature you could have her pass that out to guests as they walk in. 

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_think-of-little-task?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:56afdcd9-ad45-4a82-adad-3f640435cfa6Post:257f6145-afa4-40fc-ad76-5ae15399dd97">Re: Help me think of some little task</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help me think of some little task : According to your OP, your FI wants her to have a role.  That should be more than enough reason for you to want her to have a role as well. You sound like a total brat, in all honesty.  Giving her a role in your wedding is not negating or "diluting" your children at all.  You're one of THOSE parents aren't you?  You know, the ones who think their child has to be the center of attention all the time?
Posted by betrothed123[/QUOTE]

Ditto this.  I hear a whole lot of "I want..." in your posts.  You said it's important for FI to have his god-child involved.  This alone should be reason enough to include her.  And its ridiculous to be offended.  She's 14 - being in a wedding means she gets to wear a pretty dress and party.  I'm also quite sure that she didn't think for one minute that she was being rude.  Don't get mad at her because you couldn't handle being "ambushed"

ohwhynot

So it's okay, at age 14, to ambush somebody about being in their wedding? I"ll just have to disagree about that.  

I wrote that fi indicated that he'd like some smallish role for her - not necessarily part of the ceremony, but not necessarily NOT part of the ceremony, either.  I"m just not sure what that role should be.  So far I've heard passing out programs, rice, or bubbles, or doing a reading.  

We weren't planning on having programs, but I suppose I could make them up so she has something to do.   Rice or bubbles aren't up our alley, so that won't work.   I don't want her to do a reading, for reasons I haven't really gone into here, but suffice it to say she's probably not up for it.  

I do appreciate the insight and suggestions; thanks.  

banana468

Why can't she do a reading though?  She's then not "in" the BP but she's involved in the ceremony and gets some flowers.

FWIW, at 14, I don't know if I would want to pass out programs or hand out the favors.  If I had the moxy to ask to be in the wedding, I'd also have no problem giving an 'attitude face' about how I wasn't really involved.

The reading doesn't have to be long and you get to pick it.

sgervais88

Other than handing out programs, rice, or bubbles, or doing a reading, but still a smallish role? Hm...

What are you doing with your engagement ring during the ceremony? If you don't want to wear it on your left ring finger, maybe she could go down the aisle with the best man, and you could give it to her to hold during the exchanging of rings. Or if you don't want her to go down the aisle, she could hold it from where she is seating. It's not a traditional role, but I'm sure she would feel important? I'm not sure what else. I guess that would depend on if you trusted her not to like, drop it or something.

I have no idea lol. This is a tricky one. Handing out programs should be enough though.