Wedding Etiquette Forum

Question about not being invited

I'm new here but I've been a long time lurker. I had a quick question, about not being invited to my FI's friend's wedding. 

First off I've never met this friend of my FI. My FI and I have been together 3 years. To make it a bit more awkward my FI is having a bunch of people over to discuss the wedding. Should I stay? Or should I go stay at my friends house? I'm a little hurt I wasn't invited, but I'll live. I was just wondering what you guys suggest I should do for the 2 days FI will be gone? They fall on my normal days off so I could do really anything those 2 days. 

I'm not sure if this is the right board to post this one, please let me know if I should move it.

Re: Question about not being invited

  • You should be hurt and I'm very surprised your Fi isn't more upset about this. Most here agree that anyone who considers themselves in a relationship is a social unit and must be invited to events together, but even those who think a bit traditionally would agree that a fiancee should be invited!
    Lizzie
  • I would have your fiance call said friend and ask if there was maybe a mistake on the invitation. Did this friend know about you? If they did and did not invite you this is an etiquette breach.

    hopefully it was just an oversight, and they have accounted for you.
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  • sparent2010sparent2010 member
    1000 Comments
    edited April 2012
    Well you should have been invited to begin with being his fiancee and all of that. Whatever people are rude.

    It is your house it is pretty much up to you if you want to stay or go. I would be mad at my FI if his friend invited him and not me to a wedding and he was kinda like meh and had people over to discuss it.

    ETA: By it I meant the wedding not your lack of invite. I also agree with argrax (?) that he should call his friend to see if there was a mistake on the invite.
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  • First of all, you should have been invited.  You and your FI are a social unit, so regardless of whether this friend has met you or not you should be included in the invitation.  Honestly, I'd have FI call and say something nice like "I just got the wedding invitation, can't wait to see you guys.  Is Perfectpear06, my fiancee, invited as well?"

    Is your FI having people over to discuss the wedding you aren't invited to?  There is no reason you should leave your own house (I believe you live with your FI), unless you feel uncomfortable being there.

    If these friends are rude enough to not include you, do whatever you want while FI is away!  Pamper yourself!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-about-not-being-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5786c3ce-3af3-4d57-a14d-0a4387935aebPost:f368d347-3013-4b4e-a37d-17b4791b33a6">Re: Question about not being invited</a>:
    [QUOTE]You should be hurt and I'm very surprised your Fi isn't more upset about this. Most here agree that anyone who considers themselves in a relationship is a social unit and must be invited to events together, but even those who think a bit traditionally would agree that a fiancee should be invited!
    Posted by aragx6[/QUOTE]

    Aragx6 not only has a really cute dog, but is absolutely correct!  Your FI should be upset as well.
  • You absolutely should have been invited, since you and your FI are a social unit. You could ask about being invited to see if it was a slip up, but I personally wouldn't. I'm not sure what you mean by "having people over to discuss the wedding."

    That being said, if I were in your shoes, I would go anyway to make a trip out of it if your FI is getting his own hotel room. I would go to the hotel spa or sightsee while FI was gone. 
  • I would be offended that I wasn't invited, as would my FI. I would also go out for the evening on that night, just because I would feel akward. 

    And really what you should do is up to you. What would you do if your FI was gone on business for the weekend? 
  • Probably isn't the most etiquette appropriate thing to do when people are over at your place planning the wedding but the passive aggressive side of me feels indignant on your behalf...
    Don't stay in your house if you don't feel comfortable. I see no reason why you should play hostess for an event related to another event you should have been invited to but weren't.... but... if the bride and/or groom will be there...
    I say be a warm and gracious hostess. Happy and bubbly and asking them all sorts of questions and acting interested in their special day.
    It might make them feel awkward or may even make them realize they were dumb and show invite you.
    Or they're just thick and it will accomplish nothing, but in that case, no harm done.

    But again... not etiquette appropriate advice... just the type of passive aggressive thing I'd do.
  • You should be hurt.  This was really rude and can also be read as an intentional insult to you and your relationship.  

    It is also rude of people to discuss the wedding in front of you if you aren't invited.  In that situation, I'd like to think that I'd simply change the subject, but the petty side of me would probably go ahead and mention that they left me off and gossip about how rude the couple was.  

    There is no way my H would consider going to the wedding in this sort of situation, so what to do that night wouldn't be an issue.  If you are at home alone, do what you otherwise would do on a weekend alone.  But honestly, I'd be pretty upset at my H for accepting this treatment and leaving me.  
  • egm900egm900 member
    500 Comments
    edited April 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-about-not-being-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5786c3ce-3af3-4d57-a14d-0a4387935aebPost:9c9abb20-86c1-4dee-9000-26827b5f32cc">Re: Question about not being invited</a>:
    [QUOTE]Probably isn't the most etiquette appropriate thing to do when people are over at your place planning the wedding but the passive aggressive side of me feels indignant on your behalf... Don't stay in your house if you don't feel comfortable. I see no reason why you should play hostess for an event related to another event you should have been invited to but weren't.... but... if the bride and/or groom will be there... I say be a warm and gracious hostess. Happy and bubbly and asking them all sorts of questions and acting interested in their special day. It might make them feel awkward or may even make them realize they were dumb and show invite you. Or they're just thick and it will accomplish nothing, but in that case, no harm done. But again... not etiquette appropriate advice... just the type of passive aggressive thing I'd do.
    Posted by aurianna[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I would do this too, although as long as your not rude/snide, I don't think it's inappropriate.  Edit:  I wouldn't stay for the whole conversation, but I would come out and say hi, make sure everyone was offered beverages, etc., and acknowledge their wedding, etc., and then go about my business.  I wouldn't hide though either.  I definitely wouldn't leave my house if I didn't already have plans to be somewhere else.  If you're uncomfortable with that and don't want to leave your house, you can always greet everyone and then say something along the lines of "I'm sure you guys have a lot to talk about, so I'm going to get out of your way/and I'm on my way out/whatever your doing, but feel free to help yourself to sodas in the fridge!" 

    </div>
  • Is there any chance they don't know you're engaged? 

    Rather than stewing in your hurt feelings, I would press your SO to clarify the situation with the couple. Not everyone reads up on the rules of etiquette, it's possible that they thought sending an invite to him at your (apparently) shared home would cover it. I say that because the boards are full of stories of getting RSVPs sent to 2 people and coming back with 10 happy attendees. 
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  • I would definitely have your FI clarify the situation first, but if they did purposely not invite you, I'd be pissed because it's extremely rude.  I think I'd be even more pissed that my SO wasn't pissed, especially condisering it appears he's close enough to the couple that he'd offer to host a planning party at your home.
    Anniversary
  • We do live together. And I do believe they know were engaged or think so at least. It's on FB and we did send wedding invites out to them for our wedding. Reading the invite was a bit awkward, and I do know they got ours and his friend did tell my FI congrats.

     I assumed it's all because we never met? Or maybe because they don't want me to feel weird sitting at a table with people I don't know at the wedding? 

    The FI has never been away from me for a few nights like he will be for the wedding. But maybe I will make a spa date like someone else said. That sounds like fun! 

    I do know FI should be mad and not go. But I have not brought any of this up with him. Just seen the invite and heard him say he was in the wedding over the phone with someone. I don't want to make him choose or come off that way. Or hold him back from a big event in a friends life. I worried if I brought it up I might come off as pushy?
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-about-not-being-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5786c3ce-3af3-4d57-a14d-0a4387935aebPost:92649194-040e-4d2c-82af-3b265a7782ed">Re: Question about not being invited</a>:
    [QUOTE]I would definitely have your FI clarify the situation first, but if they did purposely not invite you, I'd be pissed because it's extremely rude.  I think I'd be even more pissed that my SO wasn't pissed, especially condisering it appears he's close enough to the couple that he'd offer to host a planning party at your home.
    Posted by jemmini6[/QUOTE]

    I have to agree with this.  My FI would absolutely not attend if I wasn't invited, and it would have a lasting affect on the friendship.  Bottom line, if your FI thinks there is nothing wrong with this, you have a MAJOR FI problem.  MAJOR.
  • I think that any relationship of any length should warrant an invite to both parties. I have been with my FI for 3 1/2 years and if any of his friends did not invite me to a wedding he wouldn't be going.
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  • edited April 2012
    If your FI is part of the wedding party, he should be close enough to the bride or groom to ask them if they meant to invite you and/or if you can come to the wedding.

    Edit: Even if you really don't want to get between your FI and the wedding,  I think you can bring it up that you're a little disappointed/hurt that you weren't invited with him. Just be clear that you don't want him to take any drastic actions, but want him aware of how you feel. 
  • Wow, let's count the ways the bride and groom are wrong to not invite you here...

    1. You're his SO.

    2. You're his fiancée.

    3. They know you're getting married because they're invited to your wedding.

    4. He's in their wedding party (WP should always have a date/friend even if they're not seeing anyone)

    I'm just going to stop there though and point out the red flag flying over your fiancé's head. He doesn't seem to care at all that you're being slighted here. And that's a major fiancé problem. You should be a package deal and he should stand up for your rights as his soon-to-be spouse.
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  • bongebonge member
    100 Comments
    WOW. It doesn't matter if they knew you were engaged. You live together, you should automatically be invited.

    My fiance has some cousins i have only met once or never met even though they live close by. He only talks to them when he runs into them. One of them broke up with his gf & to our knowledge did not have another one (fiances mom did not know either) so we just invited him as 1, he sent the reply with 2, i am assuming he has a different gf & he will be getting the spot for her, even new relationships should be taken into consideration.

    My fiance would not be part of a wedding if i was not invited. I don't think i would even have to tell him. Your fiance should be upset on his own. I don't get why he doesn't see anything wrong with it.

    I am catty so i would give those people planning at my house drinks then say something like "i am going to go out now, seeing as i was NOT invited to this wedding i do not feel comfortable sticking around my house for the planning of it" especially if the bride & groom were there. That is just me though, don't take that to heart lol.

    I agree with art that you have a major fiance problem here as well.
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  • If this is your home, too, stay if you want to. 

    You cannot do anything about someone else's poor manners -- shame on them for not inviting you to the wedding. It reflects badly on the bride and groom, not you.  I can see why you'd be hurt,   I know it's easier said than done, but try to let it go.  Some people can be very rude.  *sigh*
  • Wow. Does your FI even care that you weren't invited?? I am shocked that HE hasn't said anything to his "friend."
    And to host a "meeting" at YOUR house??? And you feel YOU have to leave?? Wow!! You are far kinder than I am. That meeting would NOT be held at my house. 

    How rude. You invited the couple to YOUR wedding, yet you are not invited to theirs even though you are engaged to the other groom's friend???
    This entire situation is just wrong wrong WRONG!!

    I would talk to your FI & see if he is bothered by this. I would find it VERY odd if he weren't. I would also have him speak to his "friend" to see if it was an oversight.

    SMH SMH SMH!!!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_question-about-not-being-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5786c3ce-3af3-4d57-a14d-0a4387935aebPost:9c9abb20-86c1-4dee-9000-26827b5f32cc">Re: Question about not being invited</a>:
    [QUOTE]Probably isn't the most etiquette appropriate thing to do when people are over at your place planning the wedding but the passive aggressive side of me feels indignant on your behalf... Don't stay in your house if you don't feel comfortable. I see no reason why you should play hostess for an event related to another event you should have been invited to but weren't.... but... if the bride and/or groom will be there... I say be a warm and gracious hostess. Happy and bubbly and asking them all sorts of questions and acting interested in their special day. It might make them feel awkward or may even make them realize they were dumb and show invite you. Or they're just thick and it will accomplish nothing, but in that case, no harm done. But again... not etiquette appropriate advice... just the type of passive aggressive thing I'd do.
    Posted by aurianna[/QUOTE]

    I'd be totally passive-aggressive in this case. I'd also make it a point to stay because it's my fcuking house. Offer drinks and snacks, and then stay in the same room they're in but then completely ignore them while watching a movie on my laptop (with headphones), or reading a book, or doing homework , or hell, whip out the vacuum and start cleaning.
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