Wedding Etiquette Forum

FMIL DF conflict

Instead of the typical/stereotypical inlaw problems, DF and I have issues with our own families. I have issues with my family (especially Grandpa), and DF fights with his mom a lot. Quick back story: DF's parents were divorced, dad was out of the picture until a couple years ago when he got in touch, then he died last year. So far we're not planning for FMIL to pay for anything and she hasn't offered as far as I know. Current situation: Christmas eve he drove her around to run errands 'cause she's currently car-less, and she insulted him majorly (DF didn't say how exactly) which resulted in him mad, her upset, and us not spending Christmas Day with her as we'd planned. Today DF told me he's not talking to her and doesn't want to invite her to the wedding unless she apologizes. I didn't say anything yet but I'm pretty sure we *have to* invite her. On the other hand I really don't want drama and grumpy moods on and around the wedding day, and if she's around that's pretty likely to happen. :-( Of course she knows we're engaged so something's gonna happen with her if we don't invite her. I absolutely do not want to try to be a mediator because I've been there done that and it never works. Plus I've gotta be on DF's side anyway, which is not to say I can't tell him if he's wrong but I'm not gonna just talk to FMIL about it 'cause she'll just go all weepy and guilt-trippy and try to make me the mediator. It's possible this'll blow over (I think) or she'll apologize which is what he wants. I'm not sure how likely it is 'cause they're both pretty stubborn, but we have about nine months til the wedding so it's possible. But if it doesn't what do I do?
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Re: FMIL DF conflict

  • Since you are nine months out, I would sit back and let it blow over.  If things haven't changed when it becomes time to send out invitations then I would talk to fiance.
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  • bmoruzzibmoruzzi member
    2500 Comments
    edited January 2012
    Ditto pp.  I would wait it out.  
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_fmil-df-conflict?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:580be85d-ed65-46a9-8f72-452c54e478f7Post:6541b095-6f47-4ce6-9837-cbb5d7ab9a9e">FMIL DF conflict</a>:
    [QUOTE]Instead of the typical/stereotypical inlaw problems, DF and I have issues with our own families. I have issues with my family (especially Grandpa), and DF fights with his mom a lot. Quick back story: DF's parents were divorced, dad was out of the picture until a couple years ago when he got in touch, then he died last year. So far we're not planning for FMIL to pay for anything and she hasn't offered as far as I know. Current situation: Christmas eve he drove her around to run errands 'cause she's currently car-less, and she insulted him majorly (DF didn't say how exactly) which resulted in him mad, her upset, and us not spending Christmas Day with her as we'd planned. <strong>Today DF told me he's not talking to her and doesn't want to invite her to the wedding unless she apologizes. I didn't say anything yet but I'm pretty sure we *have to* invite her.</strong> On the other hand I really don't want drama and grumpy moods on and around the wedding day, and if she's around that's pretty likely to happen. :-( Of course she knows we're engaged so something's gonna happen with her if we don't invite her. I absolutely do not want to try to be a mediator because I've been there done that and it never works. Plus I've gotta be on DF's side anyway, which is not to say I can't tell him if he's wrong but I'm not gonna just talk to FMIL about it 'cause she'll just go all weepy and guilt-trippy and try to make me the mediator. It's possible this'll blow over (I think) or she'll apologize which is what he wants. <strong>I'm not sure how likely it is 'cause they're both pretty stubborn, but we have about nine months til the wedding so it's possible. But if it doesn't what do I do?
    </strong>Posted by ShadowCutter[/QUOTE]

    You don't "have to" invite anybody.

    In the event that things don't change in nine months, you follow your FI's lead. It's his mother and his decision to make, not yours.
  • Ooook then, excuse me. Actually if that's true then I guess it helps, since if she fusses at me I'll just tell her it's his decision so leave me alone. Really I'm worried about the fighting and sulking and tension messing up the wedding more than whether she's invited or not, so if this is going on maybe it's best if she's not. I just thought parents are supposed to be invited unless they're estranged. That's why I'm asking here, is it not bad etiquette to disinvite the parents? I'm just checking on that 'cause I thought it was.
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  • Not inviting an immediate family member, like a parent or sibling, can be a bridge-burning move.  It's not so much an etiquette issue as it is a family diplomacy issue.  I agree with PPs - wait until it's time to send invitations, and let FI make the decision at that point. He should be aware that deciding not to invite her may sever ties for years to come.  If, at that time, he thinks that price is worth it, then I'd say they are estranged.  Don't try to mediate, just support his decision.  Speaking as someone estranged from her sister, if it gets that bad, the support will be much appreciated.
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