Wedding Etiquette Forum

WWYD - Thanksgiving (Long vent, sorry)

I'm inches away from pulling my hair out.

In the beginning of October (the tenth to be exact), FMIL mentioned that my parents were invited to come to Thanksgiving at her house this year on the Sunday before. I told my mom about it and she agreed to take off of work. I mentioned it to my dad about a week later (parents divorced), and asked him to talk to his girlfriend about it, since she and FMIL appear to be good Facebook friends.

About a week and a half goes by, and I ask dad again. He says he won't know because he doesn't get his schedule until the night before, which is true. Two Wednesdays ago, dad and I were having dinner, and I asked him again about Thanksgiving with FMIL. He tells me that he can request to have the night off, and to remind him. Imagine my surprise the next day when I find out that Thanksgiving at my dad's hosue is being held ....wait for it... on the Sunday before. Granted, this probably has nothing to do with my father and everything to do with the other women in my family, but it would have been really nice to know ahead of time.

About a week and a half has passed, but I'm still pretty frustrated. Do I snub my FILs and go to Thanksgiving at my dad's? Do I not bother showing up at my dad's since he couldn't bother to inform me, much less let my sister know that we were expected elsewhere? Do I magically try to attend both? It's our first holiday season as an engaged couple, and I would have really liked for both of my parents to mee the family I'm marrying into.

For the record, holidays always happen at my dad's house since his is the only one large enough to accomodate all 40-50 of us. Also, he tried to tell me that "we have Thanksgiving every year on teh Sunday before", which me most certainly do not. It has been held on Thanksgiving day for at least the past three years. Do I chalk it up to him having an old person brain and let it go?

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Re: WWYD - Thanksgiving (Long vent, sorry)

  • Can you go to both? Did you already confirm to FMIL that you were going to hers?
  • ditto Squirrly... It sounds as if you've already committed to FIL's and invited your mom as well, so there's not a way to get out of it without being rude.
  • Ditto squirrly. I'd just go to the FIL's for the meal, and then stop by dad's for dessert if it's close enough.

    If not, then I'd tell my dad that I'd already made plans, which he can't dispute.
    At least this frees up Thanksgiving Day for y'all (I assume).
  • Ditto PPs.  If you have already committed to going to FIL's, then that is where you need to go. 
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  • I feel like you already kind of committed to going to your FMILs, so I would do that as first priority.  If you can also make it to your dad's, then do that as well.  But since FMIL planned first and you were planning on going to hers, it would be a snub to go to your dad's instead.

    While it is nice to try to do the holidays together, that can be INSANELY difficult to plan, especially if you dad usually hosts 40-50 people.  I woudln't be mad at him, I doubt he did it on purpose. 

    It is kind of like when a friend ends up getting married on the same day as you... most likely it is just the day that worked best for them.
  • LOL there is no way I'd be attending a Thanksgiving dinner where 40-50 people would be. I can barely take Christmas with that many people. Especially since 10 of them are children in various stages of crying/exhaustion. But I digress...

    It seems as though you made the commitment to be at FMILs. Can you maybe have your dad over on Thanksgiving for dinner with you guys? Maybe just cook a turkey breast and some sides? I understand why you're frustrated, I would be too, but maybe see if you can spend time with him on Thanksgiving Day itself.
  • I think that's pretty sucky of your dad to plan it on the same day without giving you any advance warning -- especially since that's not even your family's tradition. I'd stick with your original plans and go to your FMIL's house with your mom. If they're close by, stop by dad's later in the day. But you already made the commitment to your FMIL and your  mom.

    FWIW, DH and I alternate which family we spend Thanksgiving with -- one year his, one year mine, and so on -- but we've never tried to see both in the same day because it's too much for us.
  • Sounds like you already told your FMIL you would be going to her Thanksgiving. It's unfortunate that your dad (and his SO) choose to do Thanksgiving the same day even though you had discussed it with him several times.

    Like tenofcups4me, we will be switching off Thanksgiving each year. This year with ILs. Next year my family and then we switch again. My FI hates the running around on holidays and I don't need a crabby man during my favorite time of the year. :)
  • See what the times are. We have this issue with custody of our son. We typically do our meal at noon with FI family and then we send Gabe to his mothers for the evening and he has Thanksgiving with his mom and her family. Can you work something with that-- is it possible, I don't know what the distances are...
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  • We've done two T-days in one day, and it's totally doable if the meals are spread far enough apart and the distance between the two isn't too bad.

    If the meals are at the same time or you don't want to make the drive, then I think you need to stick with the ILs.  Tell your dad you're sorry but you already committed to them and that you hope it can work out for next year.

  • DH and I do two Thanksgivings every year, and have for the past 8 years.  Sometimes we only eat dinner at one or the other, and sometimes we just eat a little at both.  It does require that the family's be willing to schedule with each other though.  So DH's family always does an early dinner, and mine always does a later.  
  • In Response to <a href="">Re: WWYD - Thanksgiving (Long vent, sorry)</a>:
    [QUOTE]How old is your dad that you think he has "old people brain"?
    Posted by ohwhynot[/QUOTE]

    He's 75, which I think qualifies him. ;)

    I'll definitely be going to FMIL's Thanksgiving, since FI is/was pretty ticked about the whole situation. I was looking forward to having my dad meet his family, but I guess it will have to wait until Christmas.

    FMIL's Thanksgiving is for 4, but she told everyone that they can come early. We'll probably get there in time for the football game to start (3 o'clock).

    Oh, I totally forgot to mention that FI's mom lives an hour and a half or so away, which makes popping over between the two somewhat more difficult. FI will be meeting me there since he lives 2 hours away from me (about an hour away from FMIL). Dad's Thanksgiving is starting in time for everyone to watch the game also, but dinner won't be until 6, when the game ends. I ended up telling my dad and sister that if FI and I come, it wouldn't be until 7 or 7:30. FI and my mother both made it pretty clear that they weren't interested in leaving FMIL's Thanksgiving early.

    In keeping with the holiday spirit, I'm thankful that I don't have this problem on Thanksgiving Day. />_<

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  • In Response to <a href="">Re: WWYD - Thanksgiving (Long vent, sorry)</a>:
    [QUOTE]LOL there is no way I'd be attending a Thanksgiving dinner where 40-50 people would be.
    Posted by Pirata13[/QUOTE]

    Hah, imagine having to plan for that many people, let alone be in attendance! I just found out that this year it's been scaled back to 20-25, since my niece and her family won't be flying in (thereby meaning her husband's family won't be attending either). I blame my dad for having a bunch of kids, and then my sister for having a bunch of kids, and her kids having a bunch of kids.

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