UPDATE ON FBIL/SIL/KIDS- VENT and possibly pulling my hair out

rachelm13

Last night went to FIs parent's for dinner.  FBIL/SIL were there with the kids.  FI is still out of the country working.  Because of everything that had gone down, I was careful not to talk about the wedding.  UNTIL Out of nowhere FBIL asked me if we are all set with the planning etc. I said, "yes, just little things are left now, waiting for rsvps, finalizing transportation, decorations stuff like that".   His response, "oh yeah, you will get ours this week.  we have until the 17th, so we will make sure it's postmarked the 17th.  do you take verbal responses"?  I was polite despite seething inside, "thank you, no, it's better to wait until I have the formal card, so I can make sure to mark accordingly".  THEN HE SAYS, "well alllll four of us are coming.  me, SIL, and the kids".  

WE AREN'T HAVING KIDS AT THE WEDDING.  FI HAS HAD THIS CONVERSATION WITH HIM 80 MILLION TIMES.  Last we knew they weren't coming b/c we weren't allowing their kids!!!!!!!!!!!

I simply sipped my drink and bean dipped the conversation.  I stepped away the second I could and called FI.  

We are waiting to see the rsvp card before FI has a further conversation with them.

I woke up still p!ssed off and feeling stabby.

AddieCake

I bet they show up with the kids. The same thing happened to my aunt. Kudos to you for handling it so well in the moment.And I bet he was trying to corner you since his brother wasn't there.

rachelm13

I know Stage, should have, could have, would have, except, the kids were on his lap, everyone in the family was in the room, I didn't trust myself to handle with grace if I started down that road.  

FI has left 3 messages today.  FBIL 100% went there b/c the kids were on his lap and FI wasn't present.  We are not giving in.  We made a solid pact.  SUCKS SO BAD.  FI was like this is going to end badly. 

He is also a "pot stirrer", so any reaction I would have given would have only been used against me.  

What kills me is that people have weddings without kids all.the.time.  We did everything right.  They have had plenty of time to figure out logistics.  Now with less than 5 weeks to go... (sigh)

kmmssg

I do not think you should be waiting for the card.  Your FI needs to talk to his brother NOW.  He was rude to you, there is no misunderstanding what he was saying and it needs to be dealt with right now.

I do agree with Stage that it may have been a good idea for you to have said something.  It it passed the time of bean dipping.  This has been estabished for a long time that they weren't invited and they know this.

What did your FIL's say when he did this?  My understanding from your other posts is FIL's and FSIL support the no kid rule.

ETA:  We were posting at the same time.  Sounds like you are doing the right thing, and yeah BIL played the cowardly card by pulling that crap in front of the kids.  Sending you good wishes on this one.  I think you are right, it won't end well, but I also don't think you should cave on it either.

melb2013

Your FBIL sounds like a a**- you have my sympathies.  He's just trying to create drama and tried to pull a fast one on you, just to make you uncomfortable and probably was hoping to provoke a reaction from you.  Good for you for not givin him that reaction- I know how hard it is. 

You did do everything right.  We thought about not inviting chidren (not because they were children, but to cut down on the number of people), but decided we had bigger issues to deal with, so we invited a certain generation of children.  It was sad that we felt the need to do that just so people wouldn't throw a fit- I will never understand why people get so rude about who is invited, who is not invited, etc.  Just accept it and decide to attend the wedding or not.

lyndausvi

Your BIL is an A*hole.   I'm sorry he is doing this to you.

My question is what are you going to do when they show up as a family to the wedding?  His past behavior tells me it's a very real possibility.   

Your FI is right, it's not going to end well.  

rachelm13

since if he is coming, he is in the WP, it would be FSIL who would be bringing them....  we aren't including them in our headcount, we aren't telling the caterer to make any special kid food.  it will be awkward and unfortunate for the kids!   

i have no idea how i would/will react to them being brought when the parents know perfectly well the situation.. i would hope i would not notice and be enjoying the day with my new hubby but somehow i doubt it.

lyndausvi

I'm sorry he is doing this to you.  

  I feel sorry for both you and the kids.    I'm sure they have been told they are going to the wedding, heck they might even be excited to see their aunt and uncle get married.   If they don't go it's because you don't like them.   Of course, that is not the case, but it's what they will be told and why would they not believe that is the case?

Simply Fated

That's awful that he said that in front of the kids. He's using his kids to be manipulative and that is a terrible reflection on him. I agree there is a huge chance they'll bring their kids no matter what. If they do, what's your gameplan? You're doing everything right, they're doing everything wrong and that sucks!

rachelm13

thank you.  

i already know that despite FI having the conversations it is all being blamed on moi.  it was a joint decision and i know he has said this.  

they were already really awkward towards me last night which was a little hurtful.  i hate starting out married life like this, but, they are the ones that are really making this situation what it is.  

rachelm13

i don't have a game plan.  tonight, FI and i will facetime and have to figure one out!  i don't want the kids to suffer because of their parents.  (sigh)

i am open for suggestions...

jennyd412

That really sucks. However, if you are pretty sure they will show up with the kids regardless (sounds like they will) you should probably plan for them to be there. Its not the kids' fault that their parents are acting like this

MrsGandthebeag

Do they live close to where the wedding is?  If so, you could certainly send them home if they show up with the kids.  That would be embarrassing.  Is your FMIL/FIL on your side?  If so, maybe you could talk to them about reinforcing this concept to your FBIL.

Andama08

He definitely wanted a reaction out of you. I hate when people put children in the middle of situations like that.

MobKaz

You were ambushed.  You did the right thing by taking the high road at that particular moment.  

You have made your intentions clear.  Because of that, I would wait until you received their response card to see how they truly respond on it.  It sounds as if they are playing mind games with you on top of everything else.

Even if they RSVP as a party of 2, I would not put it past them to bring the children to the ceremony just to get a rise out of you.  They might have babysitting plans, but choose to bring the children to the ceremony just to mess with your head.  Is there a possibility your BIL won't show up at all?  Not that it is difficult to do, but you may want to have an alternative "line-up" for your processional/recessional in that case.

If all 4 show up to the reception, I would make sure that their table is out of your line of sight.  You will have to stress with your caterer that no additional place settings or food be brought to their table. If they approach you, smile, nod, and walk away. Beyond that, there isn't much else you can do but focus on the love of your spouse and the joy of the day.

rachelm13

Thanks everyone!  I will keep you all posted.  I highly doubt we will have any closure tonight as FBIL still hasn't returned the calls.  ugh.  

MuppetOverlord

I don't think it was fair to put you on that spot like that and I think you handled it well, I don't think there's a book about when you have to address something. Good job not strangling him and keeping your cool!

What happens if he comes with kids despite your addressing it? Should you have a backup plan?

Jen4948

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_update-on-fbilsilkids-vent-and-possibly-pulling-my-hair-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:58790682-d4af-49e0-a147-f19817612c9ePost:42fb8fde-9521-4e4b-be57-8dbb2567c4d9">Re:UPDATE ON FBIL/SIL/KIDS VENT and possibly pulling my hair out</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:UPDATE ON FBIL/SIL/KIDS VENT and possibly pulling my hair out : Exactly. Don't give in "for the kids". If they cared, they would be scheduling who will watch them and how they will be fed and when to go home. 
Posted by Harry87[/QUOTE]

This.  They don't give a damn about you-if they did, they wouldn't have put you on the spot.

If you really don't want kids there, you and your FI will have to be prepared to throw them out on their @sses when-not if-they show up.

Simply Fated

I definitely don't think you should give in to them, but I don't think it's in your best interest to create a situation at your reception that could cause you to be side eyed. WE know you're reasonable, but if you're FBIL is as manipulative as we all think he is, your fiance is going to end up with a lot family members side-eyeing you guys. How does the rest of the family feel about this?
 
Not providing the kids with food will just make the adults nearby (or the kids' parents) give up portions of their own food. Same thing with the seats. No more chairs? "the kids were on his lap," last night. Why couldn't they just do that again?
Forcing them to go home because of the kids, could potentially make others think you're being BSC. "Those poor kids! I can't believe the bride is making them go all the way home."

Again, we know you did everything right, but I like yu and dont' want his family (or yours) to think you went off the deep end just because of, what they would think is, a misunderstanding.

zantster

If after you and your FI try everything, they still defy you and come with the kids I wouldn't throw them out only because the kids can't control their parents' actions and shouldn't be cast out if they're hungry.  But let's just say that the seating arrangements would reflect your displeasure.  I would arrange things so that if they pop up as a foursome, I would seat them nowhere near a place of honor.  And if they complained, I would sweetly say, "Oh, wow, well we had other seating for you as a couple but because you decided to bring the kids this was the best we could do since we were not prepared to host any families with children."  They would still get served like everyone else but they would feel quite silly and far away from the others.  All the discomfort shouldn't be on OP and her FI since they don't mind being so disrespectful.

Jessa1404

Ugh, I'm sorry this is happening to you OP.  Has your FI directly asked his brother why he is behaving like this?  If you think it's possible he might show up with the kids anyway, I would bluff and paint a really humiliating picture of what would happen if he tried this.  Tell him there will be someone at the door, and if the doorman sees any children arrive, the children and their whole party will be turned away and asked to go home.  That would be humiliating and uncomfortable for the children and their parents.  Then, ask him if it's worth upsetting his children and missing your wedding just for the pleasure of defying your wishes. 

(If they *actually* showed up with the kids, I'd probably be gracious, though.  It would break my heart to upset little kids lol).  

rachelm13

This is a good question: "Has your FI directly asked his brother why he is behaving like this?"

My thoughts are that it is probably the wife driving this BS.  So it's probably: do I p!ss off my brother or my wife?

FWIW, she really does think it is all about her and the kids.  The daytime engagement party that was thrown in October, the kids had soccer practice so all four didn't make it.  It's a pattern and not one I want to keep going for the rest of my life. 

I also feel that, if FI and I are blessed with kids within the next year or so, she will find a way to retaliate.  Granted of course, if there is an event that is "kid free", we would either happily go or decline.  LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE.

MsYeck

Could you have a security guard checking people in? If he shows up with the kids simply have the security guard indicate that it is an invite only and the children are not on the list so cannot get in. Then it is up to them to either take them home and come back or not come back. They know the rules and policy and everyone around you knows they know it.

rachelm13

Having a security guard would definitely exacerbate the issue.  Our goal is not to make people feel unwanted, but to assert our right as a couple to have our preference of an adult reception. 

This is definitely something that FI needs to address (with me as back up) and we need to be even more resolute than before.  The challenge is accomplishing this without alienating his brother/SIL/kids at the same time as reaffirming our clear boundaries.  They live so close to the church/venue, it's not even funny.

The suggestion of seating them by the DJ, kitchen, etc. if FSIL shows up at the reception with the kids, is awesome and totally going to float that to FI.  In theory, FBIL will be taking pics with us...

OF COURSE, at this point it wouldn't shock me if she followed along to the picture site with the kids.  Why not get additional professional photos of your kids?  (She does it 4 times a year).  Now I am just being ridiulous.  I need to stop.

Back to rational thinking:  DOC will be getting an email with detailed instructions about what to do in the event of all 4.

FI sent a very pointed email just now to FBIL.  Asking why he didn't return his phone call... and suggesting a schedule time to speak this evening. Tick Tock, Tick Tock.

rachelm13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_update-on-fbilsilkids-vent-and-possibly-pulling-my-hair-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:58790682-d4af-49e0-a147-f19817612c9ePost:9587fc85-dd86-4e61-9bff-7f4e1990ff1d">Re: UPDATE ON FBIL/SIL/KIDS- VENT and possibly pulling my hair out</a>:
[QUOTE]Make sure you warn the photographer and tell her to ignore fsil and the kids if she tries to get any shots in. Or take them and then delete them.
Posted by Harry87[/QUOTE]

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

awesome.

heathertims

I've been reading your posts for a while. While i have no useful advice (I would probably loose my cool and start a full out feud with my short fuse) but I am SO sorry this is happening to you. I wanted an adults only wedding, FI wanted his neices there, which lead to us inviting like 20 other kids. Uggghhhh.

I hope everything works out as best as it can. 

Amyzen83

I have nothing to add, everyone did such a good job with this! Sorry you have to deal with such a d---- for a FBIL.