In lieu of favors...

elizabethnmartin

My fiancee and I would like to donate to an organization in lieu of offering wedding favors.  In one of my books, it states that to donate in lieu of favors is OK as long as the organization is not of controversial nature.  However, I am marrying a woman, and wo we planned to donate the money we would use for favors to the organization in our state that fights for marriage equality.  I know that if I were marrying a man, this might be a controversial organization; however, I feel that the guests that decide to attend our wedding (whether or not they agree with our marriage) would be understanding of our choice to donate to that organization.  Any thoughts?

salt78

I wouldn't do this. Not just because of the cause or your situation, but because I don't like donations as favors. 

I think making a donation is great, but don't make that your wedding favor. (Favors are optional anyway.)

angiebear11

I always think donations in lieu of favors are a bad idea, no matter that the cause.  Either have favors or don't.  If you want to donate to an organization do so on your own time.

andyandhillary

Overall, this is frowned upon as a "favor".  I would just steer clear of this.  If you want to make a donation to that organization just do it silently and don't use it as a favor of sorts. 

And, just in case you do it anyway, I wouldn't donate to any organization in someone else's name.  You never know how they feel about it.  For example, I know a lot of people who would be extremely upset if I donated to the ACS on their behalf. 

JessAndTrav

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_lieu-of-favors?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:590e94f8-7f95-42c7-9d27-637515a2ff36Post:1d103a6d-500e-461c-8901-72cf815100a6">Re: In lieu of favors...</a>:
[QUOTE]I wouldn't do this. Not just because of the cause or your situation, but because I don't like donations as favors.  I think making a donation is great, but don't make that your wedding favor. (Favors are optional anyway.)
Posted by salt78[/QUOTE]

Yes.

loop0406

I agree 100% with  ILoveMilkDuds

Simply Fated

They might understand it, but that doesn't mean they would agree with it and they certainly wouldn't donate money to it. So, no, to them it wouldn't be a gift.

pirategal03

Donating to charity, no matter what charity, is not a favor to your guests.  If you choose to make a donation, great, but it's not a favor.

laurenclaire1386

I don't like donations as favors, to any cause. It smacks of show offy holier than thouness and is awfully presumptuous, IMO. If you want to donate, donate and don't announce it. Favors aren't necessary anyway. I'm sure there are people who disagree with me, but personally, I don't care for the whole concept of donations as favors at all.

mags0607

While the sentiment is nice, and I understand why you want to make a donation, I don't think weddings are the place to make donations to charities of any sort.

I would make your donation, skip the favors and not announce it. Favors are optional anyway, so your guests won't really miss out by not having them.

Brie2010

I am anti-charity donation favors.  They are not a favor to your guest, because they benefit an organization YOU like.  It also tells the guest that their favor was the one thing you thought was expendable--if you really care about the organization, skip flowers and donate your flower budget to the cause instead.

That said, it is possible for your favors to benefit a charitable cause.  Our favors were chocolates and caramels made in a candy shop staffed and for the benefit of the developmentally disabled.  The money we spent went to a good cause, but to our guests, they just looked like regular favors.  Check around--I know in my area, there's the candy shop I used, the Misericordia bakery, and dreambean soy candles that would make great favors without being in-your-face about being a charity donation.

MISSCOURTNEY20

Brie...I so love your wisdom....Getting off my knees.....

GreenPepperBurger

I don't think any of your guests would be offended at your choice of charity, considering the fact that they're attending your wedding in the first place. You can make the donation, but do it silently.

I personally don't mind a charity donation instead of favors. Most people don't really care about favors unless they are edible. That being said, some people really don't care where you donate. Can you find a way to make your donation and still give out favors? If you or your FI are particularly good cooks, why not make homemade baked goods or something?

PharmacyBride

Most people on TK do not like donations.  I personally think they are great.  Most favors are a waste of money.. and I like the idea of putting it to better use.   (I know some people have been to crappy receptions... I may have this opinion, because I have been a spoiled guest at every wedding and I don't need/want anything else.  If you go above and beyond for your guests.. they won't have a negative opinion about this favor!!)

I think your organization is the PERFECT one for you to make a donation to!

squirrly

Either make a donation, or give out favors.  Don't try to merge them into one thing - they most definitely should be left separate.  And, if you make the donation, do it because you want to - not so that you can AW it to your guests. 

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_lieu-of-favors?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:590e94f8-7f95-42c7-9d27-637515a2ff36Post:5d7fe56e-bd2a-4863-90d9-7094fb1f1df3">Re: In lieu of favors...</a>:
[QUOTE]Most people on TK do not like donations.  I personally think they are great.  Most favors are a waste of money.. and I like the idea of putting it to better use.   (I know some people have been to crappy receptions... I may have this opinion, because I have been a spoiled guest at every wedding and I don't need/want anything else.  If you go above and beyond for your guests.. they won't have a negative opinion about this favor!!) I think your organization is the PERFECT one for you to make a donation to!
Posted by PharmacyBride[/QUOTE]
Would you think they were great if the organization chosen was something you strongly didn't agree with?
These sort of gifts go from being just poor gifts to somewhat offensive. I would be horrified if someone donated money in my name to the Westboro Baptist Church or something.

mica178

Make the donation, and don't give those silly AW cards announcing the donation.  Whatever money you save on those "In lieu of a favor" cards, give to the charity too.  Skip all favors.  It's fine.

My FI and I regularly contribute to charities.  But a donation made in our guests' names will not be a gift or favor for them.  Even if we made the donation in their name for tax purposes (a logistical nightmare), all we'd really be doing is adding their contact information to another mailing list (definitely NOT a favor).  Who needs a $2 tax deduction? 

Brie2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_lieu-of-favors?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:590e94f8-7f95-42c7-9d27-637515a2ff36Post:b8d4d200-bcfb-4ab6-be30-11c9c5ac886b">Re: In lieu of favors...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: In lieu of favors... : Would you think they were great if the organization chosen was something you strongly didn't agree with? These sort of gifts go from being just poor gifts to somewhat offensive. I would be horrified if someone donated money in my name to the Westboro Baptist Church or something.
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

And not even taking the example as far as Westboro...lots of people object to charities for various reasons, even if they're seemingly innocuous.  The Susan G. Komen foundation, for example, has come under fire quite a bit for how they spend their money.  People may be anti-breast cancer, but that doesn't mean that they support that particular charity, you know?

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_lieu-of-favors?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:590e94f8-7f95-42c7-9d27-637515a2ff36Post:263e7799-8102-48eb-8074-703c7c2b7204">Re: In lieu of favors...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: In lieu of favors... : And not even taking the example as far as Westboro...lots of people object to charities for various reasons, even if they're seemingly innocuous.  The Susan G. Komen foundation, for example, has come under fire quite a bit for how they spend their money.  People may be anti-breast cancer, but that doesn't mean that they support that particular charity, you know?
Posted by Brie2010[/QUOTE]
Oh I completely agree.

wadingmoose

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_lieu-of-favors?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:590e94f8-7f95-42c7-9d27-637515a2ff36Post:b8d4d200-bcfb-4ab6-be30-11c9c5ac886b">Re: In lieu of favors...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: In lieu of favors... : Would you think they were great if the organization chosen was something you strongly didn't agree with? These sort of gifts go from being just poor gifts to somewhat offensive. I would be horrified if someone donated money in my name to the Westboro Baptist Church or something.
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]


I'll be honest - I hope none of my friends supported this.  And if they did, I'd really appreciate finding out, even if it was via donation in lieu of favors.  Because that information there would be priceless.

Lisa8888

This notion of a donation in lieu of favors doesn't make any sense to me.

LD1970

I've never had an issue with donation favors; I've been to weddings where they were done and I think they're fine.  I also think your choice of group is fitting under the circumstances.

parker624

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_lieu-of-favors?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:590e94f8-7f95-42c7-9d27-637515a2ff36Post:5d7fe56e-bd2a-4863-90d9-7094fb1f1df3">Re: In lieu of favors...</a>:
[QUOTE]Most people on TK do not like donations.  I personally think they are great.  Most favors are a waste of money.. and I like the idea of putting it to better use.   (I know some people have been to crappy receptions... I may have this opinion, because I have been a spoiled guest at every wedding and I don't need/want anything else.  If you go above and beyond for your guests.. they won't have a negative opinion about this favor!!) I think your organization is the PERFECT one for you to make a donation to!
Posted by PharmacyBride[/QUOTE]

I agree with Pharm.  Maybe instead of flaunting it as a placecard at their seats you could put a little something in your programs about how you are donating to this cause. 

And don't do favors.  No one misses them, and most forget to take them home anyway.

pooh8402

donations as favors are not favors. not that anyone has given me that as a favor (thank goodness), but if someone ever did, I would think, "gee, thanks for the non-favor favor and donation to a cause that I don't support. woo."  I believe people who do this are flaunting their support of a cause and trying to make others think they are so aware for doing so. I think it cheapens the donation. if you want to donate and not give favors, then just donate and don't do favors.

sctfrk1314

OP, everyone has their own opinion about this but only you know your crowd and whether or not it would go over well. Just go with your gut on this one  

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

I don't think most people would be OFFENDED by your choice of charity (though that's always a concern), since they're attending your wedding and therefore apparently support YOUR marriage.

But I agree with PPs about the donation being a non-favor. Since favors aren't necessary, there's no need to point out the fact that you took a few hundred bucks your COULD have spend on a physical item and instead decided to do something else with it that you didn't give to the guest. Gee, thanks.

Plus, like Brie said, why spend the favor money on it? When you think about it, the amount of money we're all spending on our weddings would be a really lovely donation to any charity of our choice. Flowers, wedding gowns, jewelry, alcohol - it's all superfluous really. And no, you won't hear many arguments on a wedding planning board that you shouldn't spend money on the wedding you want - but you see what I'm getting at?

I'm all for doing it as an individual gift (for example, if your parents donated $100 in your name to this charity as your Christmas "gift" I'm sure you'd be thrilled), but not for mixing this kind of thing with a wedding.

clarereedy

I think this is viewed differently depending on your guests.  In our family, no one has given out "favors" for at least the last five or six family weddings.  We have chosen to continue this and are giving a donation to Make A Wish instead of a favor.  There will be a sign by the place cards in a picture frame which says where the donation went and that it was in honor of one of our family members children who had a wish granted. 

You know your guests best, if they would be okay with it, go for it!  If I thought our guests would be offended, I may have done something else. 

PharmacyBride

I don't think the donation is the favor.. I think it is instead of favors.. meaning.. the money we would have spent to give you crap you don't want was spent on a donation.  It isn't about bragging.. but about recognizing the importance of giving to the things you believe in.  (Maybe it will encourage/inspire someone to go home and donate more themselves!  At least this is the way I respond when I see others making important donations.)

It is a gay wedding.  Giving to an organization fighting for equal rights so other gays across the country can eventually marry is very appropriate.

If people don't like the idea of giving money to an equal rights organization .. they shouldn't go to gay weddings.

EDIT: I think it would be inappropriate and too controversial for me to do it at my wedding.  I would love to say.. "in lieu of favors.... FI and I want to hep others marry the one they love .. just as we did today."  For us to do something so controversial at a heterosexual wedding my be considered rude to certain guests... at a gay wedding.. I truly can't see the problem.

I Want Cake

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_lieu-of-favors?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:590e94f8-7f95-42c7-9d27-637515a2ff36Post:dd99ed1f-d44d-4379-8d18-de5e8e04b283">Re: In lieu of favors...</a>:
[QUOTE]I've never had an issue with donation favors; I've been to weddings where they were done and I think they're fine.  I also think your choice of group is fitting under the circumstances.
Posted by LD1970[/QUOTE]

This.

The charity is obviously personal to you, and if any of your guests objected that much, they probably wouldn't be there anyway.  As a guest, I think I'd actually rather have that dollar or two you would have spent on my forgetable favor on something worthwhile.  For my wedding, I'm going to have everyone in the BP wear a white knot to support marriage equality, even though I'm marrying a man.  It's a cause I also feel pretty strongly about.

Mrs.B6302007

THe donation in lieu of favors phrase comes across as "here's what you're NOT getting" and it's not okay to tell your guests what you're excluding from them.

Do the donation if you want to, but don't make it about your guests or their (unnecessary) favors.

SparrowSong

Your cause is great. By all means, donate.

But prayer and donations to charity are two things that should be done in private. No need to brag about it.