etiquette question - NWR

calibud8

(I'm assuming NWR = not wedding related)

I realize I'm leaving out a lot of detail here, so plese feel free to ask any questions. 

I was married once before.  In 2010, my husband tried to kill me and then killed himself.  Had our daughter not heard and started to cry, I would be dead.

I am not very close to his family.  They feel it was "my fault"....after all, I filed for divorce (long story short here - we were separated for 2 years and he was living in our house with his new girlfriend while i paid their bills waiting for the paperwork to finish up so we could divide the assets)

He had an "adopted" brother.  He wasn't blood, it wasn't legal...but more of a Native American ceremony.  This brother, in my opinion, is really want started my ex- down the dark negative path he was on.  I don't blame him because people make their own choices, but it was with him that my ex-  started drinking and doing drugs with him and ended up in jail because of it.    My ex- broke of their relationship in order to save ours (8 years ago).  I have not spoken to him since

Fast forward to today.  My ex- mother in law called me.  The brother died last night.  She wants me to come to his ceremony, but to be honest.... i have no good feelings for this man.  The people that will be there all hate me for causing my ex's death.

Yet I still feel guilty for wanting to say no.

WWYD?

Edit to add:  My ex- mother in law also blames me, and there is no fault whatsoever to my ex- for his death and my attempted murder.

Meg1036

Whoa.  There is a lot of crazy in there.

No way would I go to that funeral.

Gabrielle76

I wouldn't go, that's a whole mess of kooky.  I really hope that you don't feel any guilt over what happened. 

Megbo2012

First I'm SO sorry you went through that. You must be really strong. But the last place I would be is that funeral, if I were you. Don't feel guilty. You weren't close. It sounds like it'd be more trouble than it's worth

CarleyBo

I would send cards and flowers to the family but not go to the funeral.  This is showing you care but are being respectful of their feelings.  That way the family can focus on the person they lost instead of any new drama.  Despite the negative history with this family, I'm sure you don't want to cause an uproar at a funeral even if you were invited and and not to be blamed. 

MyUserName1

Absolutely not.

And do not allow anyone to make you feel guilty for not attending.

There is no reason to put yourself through that.

I would cut off all contact with his entire family, in fact.

calibud8

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-question-nwr-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:597188b0-318f-422a-846a-2b68a73b2f4bPost:0f0760c0-d32d-43f5-b7a8-ae6b8faaf847">Re: etiquette question - NWR</a>:
[QUOTE]I wouldn't go, that's a whole mess of kooky.  I really hope that you don't feel any guilt over what happened. 
Posted by Gabrielle76[/QUOTE]

the only thing I feel guilty about is not letting him have the house and getting my kids out of there faster.   Seeing their daddy try to kill their mommy is a imagine I wish I could wipe from their brains.

Otherwise, not one little iota.

aragx6

As a rule I try to attend at least the visitation for people that I know or families with whom I'm close. But it sounds as though you want nothing to do with these people going forward -- and for good reason -- so I certainly don't think you are required to go.

However, I will say that it seems, to me, that your ex MIL was putting out an olive branch in inviting you, and it might help to move on if you saw them all again. I'm sure there was a lot of hurt when everything with your ex went down, but maybe the perspective of years has made people understand how little at fault you were. It's also possible that she'd like a relationship with her granddaughter.

cebrady89

I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this.

I don't understand why she would want you there if she feels so strongly that you are to blame here. You'd think she wouldn't want to see you there.

I think this has potential to get ugly if there are alot of strong feelings among his family. I wouldn't want to go if I were you, and I don't think you should feel guilty.

 Maybe just send the family a sympathy card and be done with it?

calibud8

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-question-nwr-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:597188b0-318f-422a-846a-2b68a73b2f4bPost:1640da17-eba6-41cb-b59e-7c7f79f9f6fa">Re: etiquette question - NWR</a>:
[QUOTE]Absolutely not. And do not allow anyone to make you feel guilty for not attending. There is no reason to put yourself through that. <strong>I would cut off all contact with his entire family, in fact.</strong>
Posted by MyUserName1[/QUOTE]

I'd love to but my ex- MIL is the type to file "grandparents rights" and take me to court.  Now I can play nice, let her talk to the kids and still dictate any time the family sees them...which is very very seldom and ALWAYS with 100% supervision on my part.

raes19

You're totally justified by not wanting to go. There are a lot of issues between  you and these people, and putting yourself in a situation with them where emotions will already be high is just a recipe for disaster. If you feel like you need to, just send a sympathy card to the family.

Also, I give you a ton of credit for making it through that situation and being able to move on with life. That takes a lot of courage, and I'm glad you were able to get out of that situation alive.

MyUserName1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-question-nwr-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:597188b0-318f-422a-846a-2b68a73b2f4bPost:cccebe25-555f-404d-9d73-f60151dddf5a">Re: etiquette question - NWR</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: etiquette question - NWR : I'd love to but my ex- MIL is the type to file "grandparents rights" and take me to court.  Now I can play nice, let her talk to the kids and still dictate any time the family sees them...which is very very seldom and ALWAYS with 100% supervision on my part.
Posted by calibud8@yahoo.com[/QUOTE]

...do grandparents really have that right?

That's pretty crazy.

She sounds like a peach.

calibud8

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-question-nwr-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:597188b0-318f-422a-846a-2b68a73b2f4bPost:7fe69e35-9459-49bb-b8ad-e6b5ebddd07b">Re: etiquette question - NWR</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: etiquette question - NWR : ...<strong>do grandparents really have that right? </strong>That's pretty crazy. She sounds like a peach.
Posted by MyUserName1[/QUOTE]

Yes.  in MN she can take me to court and demand the same level of visition she had prior to the blood parent (her son) dying.  Luckily for me, she never had unsupervised visition or weekends at Grandma's, etc.  I know i'd "win" in court, but I don't want to put my kids through that if I can help it.  Therefore, I try to be nice and remind myself that it wasn't their fault. 

Of course, how they treat me is their fault.
I do have to say i have awesome niece on that family.  Love her to bits!  She's 24 and gets it.

cpm1223

I'm confused...the brother died or your ex? or both??

You said that the people there blame you for causing your ex's death....???

Either way, I wouldn't go to any funeral for the ex or the brother.

dumdumfroggie

Yikes!  I'm sorry you had to go through that.

But no, I would absolutely not attend that funeral.  I would perhaps send a card though.

kaitlyn&henry

she blames you for it all but still wants you to come....who is this woman!? Id send flowers and a card and call it a day. Continue the visitation stuff so you dont have to deal with court but she doesnt have a leg to stand on if she wants to take you for not going to a funeral of a man you have talked to or seen in so many years.

tenofcups4me

You couldn't pay me to go to a funeral under those circumstances. You don't have to get back to her to say "no." Just don't go. If you have any feelings for those left behind, you can send a card if you want, but you certainly don't have to.

And don't feel guilty! It's crazy for her to think you'd go to begin with.

Kristin789

Send card directly to ex-MIL who called you.
No flowers, because that would be a public statement.
Then move on.

calibud8

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-question-nwr-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:597188b0-318f-422a-846a-2b68a73b2f4bPost:01768896-90f9-4acd-920c-f20603a03199">Re: etiquette question - NWR</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm confused...the brother died or your ex? or both?? You said that the people there blame you for causing your ex's death....??? Either way, I wouldn't go to any funeral for the ex or the brother.
Posted by cpm1223[/QUOTE]

Both.  My ex- committed suicide after trying to kill me in 2010.  His family blame me for going through with our divorce.

The brother-in-law died now.

Thanks to all that posted.  I decided in the end to not go nor send anything.

redheadfsu

I would send flowers and a nice card and make up a white lie about being busy.