I didn't think this would actually happen to me but.... (a little long, but I need some input)

bethie0022

We decided to have an adult only wedding and reception, with the exception of the 4 children between us, who are attendants in the wedding. My soon-to-be SIL asked several months ago if kids were going to be invited and I said no. Her 13 year-old daughter asked why not and I gave my reasons: 1 - Because of the alcohol 2 - To keep the guest list small (75 ppl) and to be fair to everyone across the board 3 - To keep the cost down. Naturally she sulked, but I overlooked it. Since then she has asked 3 separate times about it, and my answer remained the same.

So last night, I received a text out of the blue from the SIL that said she has a very unhappy teen in her house and that if her kids (there are 3 of them - 6, 10, and 13) were not invited they would not be there. Needless to say, I was stunned. I responded by restating my reasons and she said if all of them were not invited, count them out. She said they are immediate family and are different than other people's children, which I disagree with - I am not close to her kids yet my two best friends have children and they shouldn't be included over hers? I'm not sure I agree with that one. I tried to talk to my fiance about it and he wasn't very supportive, he could see both sides, which I have to say pissed me off even more that he didn't remain supportive of what we discussed initially. So I caved and said to her I know he would want her there so the children would be included on the invite when they go out. I received ZERO response - not a thank you for reconsidering, not a screw you, nothing.

Today, Jason talked to her and asked her if they were coming or not and she restated what she said to me the night before. THEN she texted me and said she understands where I am coming from, and if its going to cause problems with other guests that her kids are there (favoritism) they would just not come. I didn't respond for two reasons 1 - I am not getting into a text war over this 2 - I am still so pissed off, I don't even know what to say.

Normally, I am not at a loss for words or indecisive. I think it was rude to give me an ultamatum and not respect what WE want on OUR wedding day. I would really like to hear what you all have to say. Before you do, let me give you some statistics. Our guest list was set at 75 and is now 80 because of a few people we were on the fence with. I counted the number of children between all of our guests, including our own and there are 48, which will take the reception cost up a notch if you can imagine if I were to include all children to be fair to everyone. My personal opinion is that you shouldn't really choose which people are allowed to bring their children and which are not - am I wrong?

What do you think???

Jen4948

Keep not responding to her temper tantrums, because you are absolutely right, it is incredibly rude to give an ultimatum about having one's kids or anyone else invited when they originally weren't.

Your fiance shouldn't have caved, but I can understand his wanting his sister at his wedding.  That said, her text to you was a guilt trip attempt. I'd ignore it and keep ignoring her.  She and her teen can get over it.

ootmother2

A 13 year old will sulk if she gets OJ will pulp and that's not her favorite.

She'll get over it and her mom will have to get used to sulking teenagers.  It lasts for about 5 years.

MartinAston

I agree with what everyone is saying HOWEVER, you need to consider your future with that side of the family.  It might cause a huge rift and how awkward will it be at family get togethers.  It's your decision at the end of the day, but consider your FI and how he might feel if she doesn't show.  It's hard to chose side for a man between his wife and other women like mom/sister.  He should ultimately back you up, though.  I can't really relate to your problem since I did the exact opposite.  I let SIL bring her kids and not my best friends.  But I am close to mine and she has a 12 year old daughter who would have sulked to if she wasn't invited.  In fact she did sulk at the wedding since she was getting tired, whatever.  On the flip side, it pisses me off for you that this "sense of entitlement" is becoming a rapid thing in their generation and it seems that you FSIL is raising a brat.

MrsGandthebeag

You and your FI need to get on the same page and then stick to your decision.  We did not have any kids at our wedding.  That included dh's sister's son and his other sister's son and daughter.  No one had a fit or cared.  

Sorcha77

Since it's his sister, I think he should have handled it, but that's neither here nor there since it already happened.

I agree that he needs to back you up since you both made this decision. A 13-year old does not rule the household or wedding decisions. If my sister said she wouldn't come if the kids couldn't come, I would call her bluff and said, "That's unfortunate. We'll miss seeing you there." His sister is the one to own that decision, not you. She needs to respect the guidelines you set for your wedding and teach her 13-year old a thing or two about expectations.

OliveOilsMom

It is perfectly fine to invite some kids and not others.  The only kids we had at our wedding were my niece and nephews.  My friend's kids were not invited.  It is best to invite in circles, so siblings kids and friends kids only, for example.

That being said, you and your FI need to be on the same page.  You two need to re-discuss this issue and get back on the same page.  Then promise that whatever is decided between the two of you, that it is the final decision. 

And in the future, don't respond to SILs texts.  Just let her know that you and FI have discussed it and your decision has already been made together.  Don't continue to engage her in this topic.

lyndausvi

I think your number reason for not invited them is lame and ridiculous.

Every family dynamics are different, in mine there would be an issue with nieces/nephews of the couple.  that age not being invited.  Younger than 6 wouldn't be an issue.  My 1 year old niece was not invited to my sister's wedding. NDB. The only kids at my wedding. were my 7 nieces and nephews (they were 6 and older).    Only you 2 can decide if it's a battle worth fighting.  Sometimes it is, other times not so much.

I'm not fan of ultimatums.   Due to my family dynamics I would not have called their bluff, but if our relationship was different I wouldn't have a problem doing it.  

QueerFemme

I have no problem calling people's bluff, family or not.   You don't want kids at your wedding. If you and FI are on the same page with that, then I don't see it as a big deal. Yes, your FSIL will be pissy and if she chooses not to attend her brother's wedding because of her kids, than that is HER choice.   You aren't doing anything wrong.

loca4pook

I guess the thought of my nieces and nephews NOT being at my wedding would make me sad. Personally, I am always shocked when brides don't want them at their weddings. But that is just me.

Prior to this issue, did you ask your husband if he WANTED his nieces and nephews at the wedding?  If he always wanted them, I think it is totally fine to invite them without feeling like you have to invite every child of every guest.

I don' t think the SIL handled it well, but I can see where she was hurt that her own brother didn't want his nieces/nephews at his wedding as many consider them to be VIPS

banana468

The larger issue for me is that your FI was on the same page as you until it was HIS sister who created the problem.   What is he going to do when someone else close to him questions a decision you made jointly?

You two need to make sure that there are no questions here.   If he agreed with a joint decision and then bent, it's too late but the larger picture remains.

That said, I think it's fine to invite the kids of immediate family and not others.   YOU may not have a relationship with them but what about your FI?   He gets to pick too.

[Deleted User]

We don't have any neices or nephews, but the girl FBIL is dating has a child. I told her we aren't inviting kids, but her child is welcome, because he could very well be our nephew someday. I have NEVER met him. For that matter, I've never met her, but they have been dating for a year (they live far away).

I just think neices and nephews should be an exception to the rule, but that's me. And I don't love kids.

Kate61487

So I don't think you're doing anything wrong by not having kids, even nieces/nephews (but you totally can invite some kids without inviting all).  But I do disagree with you on two points:

1)  IMO, your FI didn't do anything wrong.  It's not your FI's job to always 100% agree with you; especially when it's just a discussion between you two.  To support you to his family? absolutely, yes.  But you asked him, one-on-one, what he thought about his sister's situation and he answered you honestly.  Perhaps he hadn't thought of it that way; or perhaps initially he was just agreeing to what you wanted and was now for the first time voicing his true opinion on the matter.  Either way you shouldn't be mad at him for telling you what he thinks.

2) I don't think not inviting them is an option anymore (I got this impression more from PPs than your OP).  You told her they could come, so even though her ultimatum was completely rude and uncalled for you caved to it so now you're stuck. 

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_i-didnt-think-this-would-actually-happen-to-me-but-a-little-long-but-i-need-some-input?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:59f589fb-0407-486e-93fa-a734c9431221Post:84bb00b3-0a50-4922-bcb2-938f59502f26">Re: I didn't think this would actually happen to me but.... (a little long, but I need some input)</a>:
[QUOTE]So I don't think you're doing anything wrong by not having kids, even nieces/nephews (but you totally can invite some kids without inviting all).  But I do disagree with you on two points: <strong>1)  IMO, your FI didn't do anything wrong.  It's not your FI's job to always 100% agree with you; especially when it's just a discussion between you two.  To support you to his family? absolutely, yes.  But you asked him, one-on-one, what he thought about his sister's situation and he answered you honestly.  Perhaps he hadn't thought of it that way; or perhaps initially he was just agreeing to what you wanted and was now for the first time voicing his true opinion on the matter.  Either way you shouldn't be mad at him for telling you what he thinks</strong>. 2) I don't think not inviting them is an option anymore (I got this impression more from PPs than your OP).  You told her they could come, so even though her ultimatum was completely rude and uncalled for you caved to it so now you're stuck. 
Posted by Kate61487[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>I agree with this.   I think people have the right to change their minds on a subject after the fact.    Lord knows I've agreed with something DH has said only to give it another thought and realize it might not be a good idea afterall.  (actually both of us have).   </div>

stantokm

<div align="left">I understand wanting no children at a wedding, but when you include your four children in the wedding party and then exclude your future nieces/nephews, you're going to start family drama.  Also, your reasons:

[QUOTE]1 - Because of the alcohol 2 - To keep the guest list small (75 ppl) and to be fair to everyone across the board 3 - To keep the cost down[/QUOTE]

1.  Having alcohol there isn't preventing your kids from attending.  2.  I can't imagine anyone thinking that it's unfair that immediate family children get invited and their kids don't.  Number 3 is a legitimate point, but it implies that you would want the kids there if you could afford it and you really don't.  So your reasons seem more like excuses. 

That said, you are completely within your rights to invite who you want and to NOT invite who you don't want, just as PPs have told you, and that's the only reason you need.  And your FSIL and her family are within their rights to decline your invitation because their children aren't invited.  I know MANY parents who would boycott a family wedding for that reason--actually, if I had kids and my brother didn't invite them to his wedding, I certainly wouldn't attend and I would be upset about it (I wouldn't care if a friend did the same thing, but family is different).

So, to sum up, you haven't done anything wrong and your FSIL was rude and inappropriate (and used an upset 13-year old as an excuse when SHE was the one having the biggest problem with the situation).    Her feelings weren't wrong, but she handled it incorrectly.

ETA: html</div>

bethie0022

Thank you all very much! Interesting to see everyone's opinions and shed some light on the matter in a different way.