Rant: +1's and Invite Etiquette

Belle2188

I don't usually post here, but I need a quick rant sesh before my head explodes.  I'll start by saying I'm not engaged yet, but I've been with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years and lived with him for 2.  

I have had it up to "here" with my friends and family completely disregarding common etiquette and courtesy because they are either ignorant or "can't afford" to be courteous.

Two close friends (former college roommates) got married last year.  The first one didn't allow dates for anyone who wasn't married (which was none of us girls by the way) because she was paying $150/plate and "isn't made of money."  The next didn't invite anyone who wasn't engaged or married with dates (which was none of us except for the previously mentioned friend) because the hall only held a certain amount of people--at the last minute, after a ton of people replied no, she decided we could bring dates, but at that point my BF already had plans to be out of town.

Now this year I have two weddings for another friend and one of my cousins.  AGAIN, the friend has decided on no dates because "we don't want to spend to much, and it's our day, so who cares" (which I cannot believe she actually said to me), and it's a destination wedding which I think makes it even more rude.  As for my cousin, he didn't even send me my own invitation!  I'm 25--my parents live in NY and I live in CA.  You're really going to send them an invitation for the whole family?  Where the eff is my invitation and the plus one for my BF who you have had Christmas dinner with?!  This outburst was spurred this morning when my mother asked me if I'd be attending my cousin's wedding.  When I told her no and explained why her reaction was "Oh, I didn't realize.  I guess that is rude."  Duh, mom.

It's like they figure they don't care about us sitting alone and miserable at their wedding because they're the first few to get married and they know they'll never have to experience that--the rest of us would have to be real a$$holes to invite them alone after they're married.

Anyway, I've pretty much decided I'm just not going to either of the upcoming weddings or any in the future where people are so blatantly inconsiderate.  I'm also tempted to invite these four to my wedding without their spouses, but I'm pretty sure I don't have the balls.

/end rant

aurianna

Wow. That's pretty bad.
I'd definitely decline the DW invite...

Belle2188

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rant-1s-and-invite-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5a66c9af-3b3f-44d5-b2e8-14d0f200a012Post:aa6aff23-c322-48dc-9bb6-0913987f0c32">Re: Rant: +1's and Invite Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow. That's pretty bad. I'd definitely decline the DW invite...
Posted by aurianna[/QUOTE]
I assumed I wasn't the only one who would feel that way!  I moved cross-country recently, so they're all basically DWs for me.  My mind's pretty much made up that I'm not going to either of the two I have coming up this year.

MoonlightSilver

Awful. I'm sorry you have to deal with so many people who are rude. 

I'd probably be calling up the bride/groom and asking if BF was invited. Not sure if I would have the ovaries to mention the rudeness if they say no, but I'd definitely be telling them I couldn't make it for that reason.

Belle2188

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rant-1s-and-invite-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5a66c9af-3b3f-44d5-b2e8-14d0f200a012Post:52c6906c-403b-45d9-b340-324dd649a279">Re: Rant: +1's and Invite Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]Awful. I'm sorry you have to deal with so many people who are rude.  I'd probably be calling up the bride/groom and asking if BF was invited. Not sure if I would have the ovaries to mention the rudeness if they say no, but I'd definitely be telling them I couldn't make it for that reason.
Posted by MoonlightSilver[/QUOTE]
I might have tried that if they weren't so clear about not inviting guests.  I'm sure my cousin would let me bring him if I asked, but I'm pretty turned off by being an afterthought and don't really feel like flying from CA to NY for his wedding at this point...

Simply Fated

What really pickles my onion is that these brides are doing this on purpose even though they know it upsets guests. These friends experienced what its like to not be invited with their SOs, so why aren't they being more considerate? They should know better because they went through it.

Chloeagh

I have no advice, but that majorly sucks. FI and I have never been invited to a wedding together, so I know how you feel. First time it didn't bother me, because it was a DW. Next two times, I was listed on my dad's invite even though I don't live with him....FI and I had been together for 3 years and the family had met him (but we weren't engaged yet).

Now that I think about it, neither of us have ever received our own invitation for a wedding, despite being in our 20s....

Belle2188

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rant-1s-and-invite-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5a66c9af-3b3f-44d5-b2e8-14d0f200a012Post:4632e300-c340-4250-b9b5-731607594bf4">Re: Rant: +1's and Invite Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]I think your friends are being ruder than your cousin.  They are deliberately excluding significant others despite knowing what they were doing was rude. I'm leaning towards cutting your cousin a break.  I've had mail sent to my parents' house 3000 miles away out of ignorance, too.  My cousin wasn't trying to be rude, he genuinely thought it was appropriate to send "family" mail to one address addressed to my parents. He sent stuff there despite the fact that I'm already married and H has never lived at that address.  When I told him the "trickle down" of information from my parents' wasn't the greatest, he apologized and said he'll mail things to me directly in the future.
Posted by KindaSparkly[/QUOTE]
I mean, I'm not super pissed at him about it, but I don't really feel like I need to go out of my way.  It's his second wedding (I went to the first), and his FI is a known b!tch (to the point where his mother wasn't going for a while, which I don't condone either).  At this point it's just a long way to travel when it's probably not going to make any difference to them at all whether or not I go.

StephJean83

My FH's family does the whole sending one invite to the parents house despite kids living away from home. They had even excluded me on a family wedding invite because we weren't engaged/married. Not that my FILs are horrible at telling us anything but we found out about the wedding after the fact. I kinda fear that when we send out STDs/invites his family will not understand that all adult relatives will receive their own and have to RSVP on their own.

sarahdactyI

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rant-1s-and-invite-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5a66c9af-3b3f-44d5-b2e8-14d0f200a012Post:83a3dd48-50ef-4c3b-9daa-0ba9a1d7e337">Re:Rant: 1's and Invite Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]My FH's family does the whole sending one invite to the parents house despite kids living away from home. They had even excluded me on a family wedding invite because we weren't engaged/married. Not that my FILs are horrible at telling us anything but we found out about the wedding after the fact.<strong> I kinda fear that when we send out STDs/invites his family will not understand that all adult relatives will receive their own and have to RSVP on their own.</strong>
Posted by StephJean83[/QUOTE]

I just went through this with FI and his family when we sent save-the-dates. I will spare the gruesome details because our particular situation is admittedly very tricky and there were real reasons why the original list had adults listed as "kids" - but - just... double-check whatever list his family gives you.

nda8414

Luckily this has never happened to me, but it has happened to a close friend of mine, and he just declined and sent a small gift.....I agree, this is sooooooo rude.  I'm sorry.

rach1200

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rant-1s-and-invite-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5a66c9af-3b3f-44d5-b2e8-14d0f200a012Post:3dbb252d-ab7f-4187-b305-73b6993451ef">Rant: +1's and Invite Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't usually post here, but I need a quick rant sesh before my head explodes.  I'll start by saying I'm not engaged yet, but I've been with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years and lived with him for 2.   I have had it up to "here" with my friends and family completely disregarding common etiquette and courtesy because they are either ignorant or "can't afford" to be courteous. Two close friends (former college roommates) got married last year.  The first one didn't allow dates for anyone who wasn't married (which was none of us girls by the way) because she was paying $150/plate and "isn't made of money."  The next didn't invite anyone who wasn't engaged or married with dates (which was none of us except for the previously mentioned friend) because the hall only held a certain amount of people--at the last minute, after a ton of people replied no, she decided we could bring dates, but at that point my BF already had plans to be out of town. Now this year I have two weddings for another friend and one of my cousins.  AGAIN, the friend has decided on no dates because "we don't want to spend to much, and it's our day, so who cares" (which I cannot believe she actually said to me), and it's a destination wedding which I think makes it even more rude.  As for my cousin, he didn't even send me my own invitation!  I'm 25--my parents live in NY and I live in CA.  You're really going to send them an invitation for the whole family?  Where the eff is my invitation and the plus one for my BF who you have had Christmas dinner with?!  This outburst was spurred this morning when my mother asked me if I'd be attending my cousin's wedding.  When I told her no and explained why her reaction was "Oh, I didn't realize.  I guess that is rude."  Duh, mom. It's like they figure they don't care about us sitting alone and miserable at their wedding because they're the first few to get married and they know they'll never have to experience that--the rest of us would have to be real a$$holes to invite them alone after they're married. Anyway, I've pretty much decided I'm just not going to either of the upcoming weddings or any in the future where people are so blatantly inconsiderate.  I'm also tempted to invite these four to my wedding without their spouses, but I'm pretty sure I don't have the balls. /end rant
Posted by Belle2188[/QUOTE]

<div>When my sister's husband's sister got married (tongue twister I know) she also tacked on my name to my parent's invitation- I was about your age at the time and had been living on my own for 7 years.  And I lived in the same city as this sister and it would have been so easy for her to get my address.  It was totally a move to save the money on an invite.  I didn't go to the wedding and its just as well.  My mom said after the ceremony it was announced that there would be a dinner for the family and select friends.  The names of several restuarants and directions were given and everyone was invited to reconvene later at the reception for cake and dancing....which turned out to have a cash bar.</div><div>
</div>

StephJean83

In Response to Re:Rant: 1's and Invite Etiquette:[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Rant: 1's and Invite Etiquette:I just went through this with FI and his family when we sent savethedates. I will spare the gruesome detailsnbsp;because our particular situation is admittedly very tricky and there were real reasons why the original list had adults listed as "kids" but just... doublecheck whatever list his family gives you. Posted by sarahdactyI[/QUOTE]

My biggest concern is that one of FH's uncles, we will call him Tom owns a house that one of FH's aunts and her husband, we will call them Susy and Bill lives at with Tom. Tom has 3 young children who are there as is Cousin Bill Jr and his 2 kids. Which makes it hard to not invite cousins kids because Tom's 3 kids would be invited but not Cousin Bill Jr's 2 kids.

kipnus

My own sister didn't put my H's (then FI) name on my invitation to her wedding, (which was 50 days after mine), and said to me, "Oh, if you're married by then, I guess you can bring your husband!" She was sort of joking, because she doesn't have a problem with H, but I was still sort of hurt/offended that she left his name off the invite. I explained to her that even if we were just dating, he should have been invited. She definitely didn't spend the same kind of time on here as I did!

Ella and Pedro

my fiance and I talked about this dilemma in respect to a few of our guests.  we are not sending STD or invitations for several months. 

We too have a budget, and a limit to the size of the venue.  He initially thought we should give any single (non-married, non-engaged person) a "plus 1."  We have a specific friend Mary who has a boyfriend.  They just started dating, and who knows (to be honest) if they will even still be together in 4-5 months when we send STDs.  What I said to my fiance was - IF they are living together (as you were with your bf?)  or if they are engaged or married (and same sex couples we consider earning each person an invite if they live together)  then they get a plus one.  If Mary is still dating Tim, we will have to see how our finances are doing but that may be a situation where we can't offer a plus one.   I wish we could offer him a seat, he seems like a nice guy, but....we do have to make some cuts.

Is this horrid?

stantokm

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rant-1s-and-invite-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5a66c9af-3b3f-44d5-b2e8-14d0f200a012Post:2251ece8-0279-4a2e-a608-c3d96bb93ce8">Re: Rant: +1's and Invite Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]my fiance and I talked about this dilemma in respect to a few of our guests.  we are not sending STD or invitations for several months.  We too have a budget, and a limit to the size of the venue.  He initially thought we should give any single (non-married, non-engaged person) a "plus 1."  We have a specific friend Mary who has a boyfriend.  They just started dating, and who knows (to be honest) if they will even still be together in 4-5 months when we send STDs.  What I said to my fiance was - IF they are living together (as you were with your bf?)  or if they are engaged or married (and same sex couples we consider earning each person an invite if they live together)  then they get a plus one.  If Mary is still dating Tim, we will have to see how our finances are doing but that may be a situation where we can't offer a plus one.   I wish we could offer him a seat, he seems like a nice guy, but....we do have to make some cuts.<strong> Is this horrid?
</strong>Posted by Ella and Pedro[/QUOTE]

Short answer: yes.  When you send the STD, you can just put her name on the invitation.  But when you send the wedding invite, he needs to be invited if they're still dating.  And since your profile says that your wedding is in March of 2014, it would be extremely rude and hurtful to your friend if her boyfriend of a YEAR wasn't invited.

It doesn't matter if the couple is living together or not.  Some couples choose not to live together before marriage and it has ZERO to do with how serious they are as a couple.  When you send wedding invitations, anyone who is in a relationship gets to bring their significant other.  I'd say that it's okay to not invite a significant other if your guest doesn't become "official" with them until after the invites go out and you can't accommodate an extra person, but that's it.

If your thought process is "You can't bring your boyfriend/girlfriend to my wedding because you haven't been together long enough or your relationship is not serious enough," you are saying that YOU know more about their relationship than THEY do.  I wouldn't be friends with someone who would disrespect my relationship like that.

SlothGoals

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_rant-1s-and-invite-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5a66c9af-3b3f-44d5-b2e8-14d0f200a012Post:2251ece8-0279-4a2e-a608-c3d96bb93ce8">Re: Rant: +1's and Invite Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]my fiance and I talked about this dilemma in respect to a few of our guests.  we are not sending STD or invitations for several months.  We too have a budget, and a limit to the size of the venue.  He initially thought we should give any single (non-married, non-engaged person) a "plus 1."  We have a specific friend Mary who has a boyfriend.  They just started dating, and who knows (to be honest) if they will even still be together in 4-5 months when we send STDs.  What I said to my fiance was - IF they are living together (as you were with your bf?)  or if they are engaged or married (and same sex couples we consider earning each person an invite if they live together)  then they get a plus one.  If Mary is still dating Tim, we will have to see how our finances are doing but that may be a situation where we can't offer a plus one.   I wish we could offer him a seat, he seems like a nice guy, but....we do have to make some cuts. Is this horrid?
Posted by Ella and Pedro[/QUOTE]

In short: yes.

All people in a relationship need to be invited with their SOs. You don't get to judge the seriousness of someone's relationship or put arbitrary guidelines on them.