Did I really mess this up? / Invite Wording

missymae777

Girls, I'd love to hear your input on this, I'm afraid I may have really f'd this one up...

My father & stepmother are hosting my wedding & reception, basically paying for 3/4 of the wedding, we are picking up the rest.  My mother isn't contributing financially, but we are very close & I love her immensely.  She's also not a dramatic person, so I was surprised by her reaction & was wondering if I really messed this up...

Not having done this before & not having much knowledge of wedding etiquette, I did some research on how to word the invitations. What I found was that it's most common to note who is hosting the event as the 'requests the pleasure of your company' (non-religious venue). If I were to mention the rest of the parents by name, I would have had to list 8 people (both parents remarried). Now I could have also just said 'together with their parents', but decided to go w/ 'Mr. & Mrs. Dad' request.. blah blah... 

My mother was hurt by not being included on the invitation & I am sad that I hurt her. I did explain why I thought  it was okay & assured her that I had no intention of making her sad, etc. But I am really not sure now if I was wrong in the wording?  I plan to make extra special mention of her in the programs to try to make it up.

Sorry for the book, what do you think?

banana468

Well, hosting and paying aren't the same thing.

BUT, if your mom isn't helping then she should understand that's why she wasn't on the invitation.

twilight.rose

Ditto banana. If your mother isn't assisting with the wedding, she should know that there's no reason (purely etiquette-wise) that she should be on the invitation.

emilyinchile

Etiquette-wise, you were right. But emotionally, I can understand how it might hurt your mom to see your step-mother listed on the invitation with no mention of her, and there are other ways to word invitations that still follow etiquette without excluding your mom (ie. "Missymae and FI, together with their parents"). Obviously you can't undo what's done, so I'd probably just do something extra special with your mom - dinner, a movie, whatever - to show her that you love her and just messed up.

aMrsin09

Ditto the PPs.  Technically, using very traditional etiquette rules, you were correct in your wording.

IMHO, the line between paying/hosting is fuzzy at best.  Never quite understood how you can host something you haven't been involved with, but some are going to say you should have added her name to be nice and give her recognition since she is your mother.

BUT please tell me your FI's parents aren't on the invite either.  If everyone is on the invite but your mom, I think that gives her some gripe room.

LuluP82

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_did-really-mess-this-up-invite-wording?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5a83a447-d612-49b3-818c-18ddd78bcec5Post:4a8ef94a-9006-40e2-9852-b7a6a869bb77">Did I really mess this up? / Invite Wording</a>:
[QUOTE]Girls, I'd love to hear your input on this, I'm afraid I may have really f'd this one up... My father & stepmother are hosting my wedding & reception, basically paying for 3/4 of the wedding, we are picking up the rest.  My mother isn't contributing financially, but we are very close & I love her immensely.  She's also not a dramatic person, so I was surprised by her reaction & was wondering if I really messed this up... Not having done this before & not having much knowledge of wedding etiquette, I did some research on how to word the invitations. What I found was that it's most common to note who is hosting the event as the 'requests the pleasure of your company' (non-religious venue). If I were to mention the rest of the parents by name, I would have had to list 8 people (both parents remarried). Now I could have also just said 'together with their parents', but decided to go w/ 'Mr. & Mrs. Dad' request.. blah blah...  My mother was hurt by not being included on the invitation & I am sad that I hurt her. I did explain why I thought  it was okay & assured her that I had no intention of making her sad, etc. But I am really not sure now if I was wrong in the wording?  I plan to make extra special mention of her in the programs to try to make it up. Sorry for the book, what do you think?
Posted by missymae777[/QUOTE]

I had an identical issue. I checked Crane's (and also, my stationer told me)-- the proper etiquette is to list just your birth parents on a wedding invitation. In divorce cases, it should be:

MRS. MOM
MR. DAD
invite you to marriage of
DAUGHTER

If your dad and stepmom are paying for the reception, and you want to indicate that, you should insert a separate "reception" card and put Mr and Mrs dad invite you to the reception.

Now, that's according to Crane's. On my invites, since I didn't want to do a separate card since the reception is in the same place as the ceremony, I just did Mrs. Mom
Mr and Mrs Dad

I'm sorry your mom's upset...but technically, you did goof up. It's hard to find this though. I totally stressed about it and it took me FOREVER to find.

LuluP82

Here's the link to the Crane's info

http://www.crane.com/Etiquette.aspx?C=WeddingEtiquette&S=WeddingInvitation&I=Divorced_Parents

Obviously there's nothing you can do now...so maybe do something extra on the programs for her.

I just wanted to post on here since so many posters said you did the correct thing, etiquette wise, and after much searching (and almost doing the same thing) I found out that it is not right.

mrsalbee

My FI and I are the only ones paying for our wedding. I was going to put either "together with their parents" (FI parents are divorced) or something that shows we are the only ones hosting.

My mom was upset, too when I told her that their names werent specifically going to be listed because they werent paying for anything. IDK, its personal choice.

LuluP82

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_did-really-mess-this-up-invite-wording?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5a83a447-d612-49b3-818c-18ddd78bcec5Post:f0dc1dd8-969b-448f-86e7-a6de4f935019">Re: Did I really mess this up? / Invite Wording</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI and I are the only ones paying for our wedding. I was going to put either "together with their parents" (FI parents are divorced) or something that shows we are the only ones hosting. My mom was upset, too when I told her that their names werent specifically going to be listed because they werent paying for anything. IDK, its personal choice.
Posted by mrsalbee[/QUOTE]

I don't think she should be upset, since no names are listed. But technically, the parents names have nothing to do with who's paying for what. It has to do with the bride's parents giving her away-- that's where the traditional wording comes from (not from the bride's parents paying!)
Granted, you might not want to be given way, either.

My MIL wanted me to write MOTHER OF THE GROOM in all caps under her name on the invite. Uhhhh...no comment.

aMrsin09

So according to that link, my parents should have been listed on the invite to the wedding that H and I were hosting,  just becuase?

Again, you can't host something you aren't part of.  My parents never would have expected to be on the invitations.

LuluP82

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_did-really-mess-this-up-invite-wording?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5a83a447-d612-49b3-818c-18ddd78bcec5Post:8aa11756-6403-4399-bfad-7e4e26a99873">Re: Did I really mess this up? / Invite Wording</a>:
[QUOTE]So according to that link, my parents should have been listed on the invite to the wedding that H and I were hosting,  just becuase? Again, you can't host something you aren't part of.  My parents never would have expected to be on the invitations.
Posted by aMrsin09[/QUOTE]

The link just shows the traditional way of wording wedding invitations and explains the origin of the parents on the invites in the first place. I think people tend to equate paying with being on the invite (me included; I almost did the same thing as OP) and it's just not the case.

I see no issues with not having your parents on there at all. It's your choice.

But in divorced situations, it's pretty shItty to put the parent who pays and not the other, just because he/she didn't pay (not talking about other issues, like estranged parents). If you choose to put parents on there, to do the traditional, correct, etiquette-proper way or what have you,  you should at least know what it is and why, no?

aMrsin09

Hey my parents are divorced.  It took a bit, but I am long over worrying about any fall out from a decision they made.  They chose to be seperate units, so they get treated as such. 

OPs mom, as a seperate unit, chose to not be part of hosting the wedding. 

ETA:  My opinion on this is probably skewed because I have less than this much {} tolerance for the whinging of divorced parents.

Goldlie11

I agree with aMrsin09.  If your mom isn't hosting, she shouldn't expect to be on the invites.

My mom is planning on helping with the wedding.  If we do parents on the invites, her name and my step-father will go on.  My dad is not contributing at all.  FI's family is doing nothing.  Since FI and I are paying for most of it.  We'll probably just have our names on it.  

quotequeen

I agree with you that it's common sense that he who pays, hosts.

I don't think that's common sense.  My dad is giving me money toward the wedding, but he didn't want to be involved in any of the planning or decision making.  The hosts, to me, are the people who do host-like things - set the guest list, send the invitations and collect response cards, select the food, answer questions, greet people at the party.  In most cases today this is the bride and groom.  People (including me) just list their parents as the hosts because it's traditional.

OP, if you had come here before having your invitations printed, I would have suggested that regardless of what any etiquette site says, you talk to your parents about their preferences.  Really, nobody other than the parents really cares about whose name is listed on the invitations, so if you can come up with a reasonable way to do it that makes them happy, and avoids drama, that's generally the best solution.

Goldlie11

I'm not trying to be argumentative, but isn't the host the person who throws the party?  The party can't happen without everything being paid for.  To me however is paying for the party portion (mainly food, alcohol, rental costs, andj) is the host.  

M&R7111

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_did-really-mess-this-up-invite-wording?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5a83a447-d612-49b3-818c-18ddd78bcec5Post:f0dc1dd8-969b-448f-86e7-a6de4f935019">Re: Did I really mess this up? / Invite Wording</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI and I are the only ones paying for our wedding. I was going to put either "together with their parents" (FI parents are divorced) or something that shows we are the only ones hosting. My mom was upset, too when I told her that their names werent specifically going to be listed because they werent paying for anything. IDK, its personal choice.
Posted by mrsalbee[/QUOTE]

Yes !  This issue came up with my mom.  I am printing my own invites and showed her a copy of a few as I was playing around and using different fonts.   My parents and FI's parents are not contributing a dime to the wedding, so, following etiquette that I had researched, we did not include any parent's names.  Mom was upset and said they should be on there.  I'll probably just put them on there because it makes her feel special and is no skin off my back.

LuluP82

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_did-really-mess-this-up-invite-wording?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5a83a447-d612-49b3-818c-18ddd78bcec5Post:e0291fed-ccb9-48be-8e7b-06252d882e7c">Re: Did I really mess this up? / Invite Wording</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not trying to be argumentative, but isn't the host the person who throws the party?  The party can't happen without everything being paid for.  To me however is paying for the party portion (mainly food, alcohol, rental costs, andj) is the host.  
Posted by Goldlie11[/QUOTE]

That's kind of my thinking too. And I think in "real world" (not wedding world) usually the person who pays is the person who also picks the menu, etc. But weddings nowadays are different-- usually when parents contribute, they make a contribution and let the bride and groom do their own thing (in most cases).

In the past, though, usually the bride's parents paid for the party and made most of (if not all) the decisions. At the same time, the bride was typically also being "given away" by her parents at her wedding, and leaving her parents' home officially. I think the confusion comes in when people today try to do the "traditional" thing in modern settings. Most people assume that the reason that, traditionally, the brides' parents are hosting the party is because they were paying, when in reality, the traditional wording came in from the "giving away" portion more than from the paying portion of the old customs (at least, according to Crane's, which is normally regarded as the premier reference as far as wedding invitation wording etiquette goes).

I can think of tons of reasons why the bride and groom can, and should, be listed as hosts.

My argument has been all along though-- that if you're going to follow "tradition", then you shouldn't leave out one divorced parent just because the other one is paying on the wedding invite, and then claim you did it because it's proper etiquette, because it's not.

btietjen

I had this exact same problem.  I went back and forth on Mr. & Mrs. Dad request the honor of you precence at the marriage of his/ Mr. Dad's daughter or just Mr and Mrs Dad.  My mom is upset but I agree it should be the people hosting(paying) listed on the invite.

Kristin789

HOSTING is absolutely NOT the same thing as paying the bills.

The bride's parents host the wedding, so in your case, the top of your invitation should look like this:

Mr. and Mrs. BioMom'sNewHusbands'FirstName Lastname
Mr. and Mrs. BioDad'sFirstname Lastname
request the pleasure of your company...

Not listing your mother at all means that you and she are estranged, she does not support the wedding, you have not communicated to her about the wedding, she has participated in none of the pre-wedding planning, and if she attends the wedding at all, she will be seated with the regular guests - not in the "last seated" position of honor as the MOB, she will not be a part of the "reception entrance," and she will not participate in the reception as a host.

Calypso1977

Not listing your mother at all means that you and she are estranged, she does not support the wedding, you have not communicated to her about the wedding, she has participated in none of the pre-wedding planning, and if she attends the wedding at all, she will be seated with the regular guests - not in the "last seated" position of honor as the MOB, she will not be a part of the "reception entrance," and she will not participate in the reception as a host.

kristin, just STOP!  please!  this is so ridiculous!  you post this crap everywhere and it is not true at all!

missymae777

Wow, looks like this was a hot topic... I appreciate all of your opinions, girls.  At the time I thought I was correct, not dreaming it would hurt my mother & based my decision on 'things I read' which, upon further reflection, was likely a bit outdated traditional.  I certainly wouldn't have thought anyone would think all that estranged stuff from an earlier post - that just seems a bit far out.  I do, however, wish that I had posted here, first, instead of basing my decision on etiquette articles!  I have already apologized & we are on good terms, I will continue to do everything I can to show her how special she is to me & include her in everything I can - especially w/ a special acknowledgment in the program.

Thanks for the replies!  Only 34 days left, MEEP!

M

Calypso1977

i wouldnt stress.  whats done is done.  i think folks get way too worked up/pissy about names on invites.  if someone needs their name on a piece of paper to validate their feelings/relationship with their kids, then that is troubling to me, personally.

Beachy730

My parents paid for most of our wedding, and FI"s parents contributed nothing.  They are divorced, both remarried and divorced again.  Financially they didn't have any means of helping, but they also really had no interest in the wedding whatsoever, so to me they were nothing more than guests.  I made a point of introducing MIL and his grandma at the shower, and his mom was seated at the church and they were announced into the reception, but I made no mention of them on invites or anything.  H barely talks with his dad, and I literally met him the day before our wedding since he lives a few hours away.  I had went back and forth on this for a while with invites, and asked a few people for ideas.  I didn't want to put either of his parents on the invite, and definitely didn't want to put his dad.  But I also didn't want my H to get mad about it, and I didn't want it to seem like it was only about money.  I ended up asking him what he wanted to do about it, and he said only to put my parents. 

Really, this is a sticky issue no matter how you go around it.  One of my BMs had the same exact situation as me for her wedding, and she chose just not to put any parents names on the invites to avoid any problems.  Her mom was so upset by it that they didn't talk for a week or two, and she still randomly brings it up.