Can you not invite someone that you sent a STD to?

KellyRVT

Just wondering. I know it's not ideal, but what happens if you find you have to cute your budget? Do you cut people's +1s or guests completely? 

hlq2011

Nope.  STD equals invitation.

You can cut people who didn't receive an STD, or you can cut plus-ones of people who aren't in relationships.  Or save money elsewhere.  Those are your options.

achiduck

If you sent someone an STD you have to send an invite - it's extremely rude not to. If you aren't going to offer a guest to everyone, you can only cut guests for people who are 100% single.

Seeing that you've sent STD's already, if you need to cut your budget can you downgrade flowers, cut out cocktail hour, only have wine & beer, go with a DJ instead of a band, etc, etc.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_can-not-invite-someone-sent-std?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5b2f60b1-9c27-44f3-a0d4-00c050c1e9f9Post:f96f6b27-7c7b-4da5-aee3-7c2752a5b257">Can you not invite someone that you sent a STD to?</a>:
[QUOTE]Just wondering. I know it's not ideal, but what happens if you find you have to cute your budget? Do you cut people's +1s or guests completely? 
Posted by KellyRVT[/QUOTE]

No, you find ways to cut your budget. Unless by inviting these peope you would appear to be condoning an oppressive regime and their abuse of human rights, STD = invite. And that includes the +1s.

KellyRVT

That's what I thought. 

barbie92

No you can't unfortunately...

STD= Invite

FutureMrsTR

If you give us an idea of what you have planned and about how much you need to cut we can try to give you ideas on how to save.  Or try posting on the Budget Weddings board.

georgia_bride09

This is why I think STDs need to become less popular.

Are you getting married over a holiday weekend?

How big is your guest list?

hlq2011

This is why we didn't send STDs, Georgia.

KellyRVT

There are just some people I haven't spoken to in months who I would rather not invite at this point, especially at $100/pp. And, there are other people who have been way more involved in our lives that we aren't inviting but would like to. 

We did not list on the STDs if they got a +1 or not. We are only doing +1 for married, engaged or couples together longer than a year that we know. We have a strict "no stranger" policy for our wedding. Friends and family only. We've been pretty clear about this by word of mouth from the get go. It's not personal, it's financial. 

We had an unexpected veterinary bill over $3500 last month. So, we either need to cut the guest list or cut the honeymoon at this point. We are already doing everything else budget as it is and spending almost nothing on flowers. There is nothing left to cut unfortunately except those two options. Seriously, there isn't anywhere else to cut.

I just really don't want to give up our dream vacation that we've planned and looked forward to for months, all because we invited some people that aren't even actively involved in our lives now. *sigh* It just all seems really unfair these days.

hlq2011

You can't put a time limit on couples.  FI and I were practically living together after just a few months.  It's not your place to judge whether the relationship is serious enough to warrant a date.

You can cut people who haven't gotten STDs, or cut back on, or postpone, your honeymoon.

ETA: Sorry if it seems unfair, but you should have given your guest list closer thought before sending out your STDs.

FutureMrsTR

This is a horrible recommendation, but why not see if you can get a 0% interest credit card and pay it off while you have that intro rate?

Or cut the honeymoon.  Just for now.  You can save up and go a little later, there's nothing that says you have to go now.

The vet bill is unfair, but you made your choices in who to send STDs to so you have to live with that, unfortunately.

Best of luck with everything!

barbie92

I know it sucks. I sent out STDs and I regret it everyday! I tell all my friends that unless its a destination wedding or over a holiday to skip it!
As hard as it will be I think you might have to cut back on your honeymoon for now. My FI and I are waiting to take one because of financial and health reasons.

You said you had an unexpected vet bill...I hope all is well with your furry baby!

hlq2011

Yeah, well, that'll be one way you can save on your guest list because if I'd been inviting to a wedding without FI back when we were first together, I wouldn't have attended.

Hope that helps you out.

FutureMrsTR

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_can-not-invite-someone-sent-std?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5b2f60b1-9c27-44f3-a0d4-00c050c1e9f9Post:0a3793ce-4f60-478b-a7cb-743af54d6a64">Re: Can you not invite someone that you sent a STD to?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Actually, I can put a time limit on the relationships, and we did. It's my wedding after all and we're paying for it.</strong> We don't want strangers there, period. I wouldn't be offended if I weren't invited to someone's wedding if I had just begun dating someone and they barely knew me, if at all.  Thanks for everyone else's recommendations guys. I appreciate it!
Posted by KellyRVT[/QUOTE]

There's really no need for attitude.  Some people get serious way before a year.  I know H and I did.  And we both would have been offended if one of us was left off an invitation after dating for 10 or 11 months just because we didn't fit your criteria.  "Just began dating" and "dating for a year" are a long way apart.

And just because you're paying for it doesn't mean you can be rude to your guests.

FutureMrsTR

The only one with a condescending attitude here is you.  We're just trying to let you know so you don't offend someone on your "elite" list.  These are supposedly people you care about so I would hope you don't want to piss them off or having them think badly about you behind your back.

hlq2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_can-not-invite-someone-sent-std?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5b2f60b1-9c27-44f3-a0d4-00c050c1e9f9Post:50946871-cfd8-4df2-8ea2-e0e54bc6b40c">Re: Can you not invite someone that you sent a STD to?</a>:
[QUOTE] I wouldn't want someone with a condescending attitude there, we just aren't those kind of people to entertain that type of behavior out of grown adults. <strong>Although it would definitely reaffirm my reason for not giving a +1 in this circumstance. </strong>
Posted by KellyRVT[/QUOTE]

What type of behavior are you complaining about?  You're judging your friends' and family members' relationships based on an arbitrary time limit, and they would be perfectly within their rights to be offended by that.

And I have no idea what the bolded part is supposed to mean.

FutureMrsTR

The words "Actually, I can because I did" convey a certain tone of voice and basically saying "It's my wedding I do what I want!" doesn't really endear you.

hlq2011

You asked questions about how to cut your guest list, and we told you how not to.

This board is for etiquette advice, not validation of ideas likely to offend your guests.

Good luck with your planning!

FutureMrsTR

I was (and others were) very helpful until you pulled the whole "It's my day!" thing.  We tried to give you viable suggestions and you just don't want to hear them.

I'm sorry you don't feel welcome, but we're just not known for pulling punches around here.  We'd rather be honest with you before you offend your loved ones.

annakb8

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_can-not-invite-someone-sent-std?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5b2f60b1-9c27-44f3-a0d4-00c050c1e9f9Post:d9fcdb69-ac00-4b1e-be56-fe23c60fcbfe">Re: Can you not invite someone that you sent a STD to?</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, clearly I'm not welcome here because people with a difference of opinion on how they decide who is invited to their wedding must be total bitches apparently.  Thanks for your negativity and putting your spin on simple statements. Really a welcoming group.
Posted by KellyRVT[/QUOTE]

If you feel like you are not welcome on an internet message board focused on etiquette because posters  advised you to use correct etiquette just imagine how unwelcome your guests will feel when you don't allow their significant others to attend your wedding.

barbie92

Mrs. TR is a smart lady...you should listen to her.

kcscejal

Duh Anna, if her guests feel unwelcome they won't come and she'll save money.

FutureMrsTR

Thank you Barbie   And I'm actually being a lot more patient than usual, haha.

hlq2011

You asked about ways to cut your guest list, and we told you how not to.

If it offends us, there's a good chance you'll offend your guests.  They may not say it to your face, but when I was invited to a wedding back when FI and I were serious, and had been together about six months, without him?  You bet your ass I was offended, and I am not alone in that.

No one was mean.  You not liking our advice doesn't make us mean.

Good luck with your planning.

FutureMrsTR

No, you're not in 8th grade you're an adult and you should act like one by respecting your guests.  But you're obviously going to do what you want no matter what so I'm not sure why you even bothered posting.  I still stand by my other suggestions on ways around the situation.

mica178

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_can-not-invite-someone-sent-std?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5b2f60b1-9c27-44f3-a0d4-00c050c1e9f9Post:d9fcdb69-ac00-4b1e-be56-fe23c60fcbfe">Re: Can you not invite someone that you sent a STD to?</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, clearly I'm not welcome here because people with a difference of opinion on how they decide who is invited to their wedding must be total bitches apparently.  Thanks for your negativity and putting your spin on simple statements. Really a welcoming group.
Posted by KellyRVT[/QUOTE]

<div>Whoa, there.</div><div>
</div><div>Kelly, I am sorry that you are feeling that this group is unwelcoming.  I encourage you to lurk around the board and see how posters interact.  You'll see that sometimes advice given is blunt or sarcastic, but it's usually valid.</div><div>
</div><div>People who receive STDs need to receive wedding invitations.  If you indicated on the STD that the person was allowed to bring a guest, that courtesy must be extended.  </div>

mica178

Oh, and Kelly, call anyone a "biitch" or other vulgarism again, and you won't have to avoid this site, I'll ban you.

opalsky007

No one has called you a name, inferred that you were stupid or rude, or participated in "hate bashing". They have tried to tell you that an idea you had is rude, and they are trying to help you avoid offending your guests. Whatever you decide to do about plus ones (and I agree that a year cutoff is inappropriate), you cannot politely simply swap out new guests for people who have already received STDs. You have to make some cuts. We have all had to, it's part of planning. Step back from this for a while, have a glass of wine, figure out a way to trim down your catering costs by picking less expensive meal options, or scale back/delay your honeymoon. Good luck.

nurse.misty

Me and FI will have been together barely 6 months when we are married in 3 weeks. If somebody invited one of us to a wedding without the other, simply because we hadn't been together long enough for them to consider us "serious", the one invited surely wouldn't go. It's rude to put a cutoff on relationships.

As far as the problems, I have had to put out that amount of money for a pet before, and it certainly isn't easy. I'm glad you were willing to do that for your pet. The easiest thing would be to move the honeymoon back. We are going somewhere overnight the day we are married, then going to Jamaica for the actual honeymoon in October. You don't have to take it immediately.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

KellyRVT

After driving home and thinking about this post I know I need to apologize. I am running a little hot right now with the high level of stress I'm under (and 3 days without a cigarette doesn't help- trying to quit!) which is not an excuse. It was not my intention to offend anyone. I think the directness of some people's opinions just put me on the defensive.

I know everyone feels strongly about not giving everyone a +1, but with relationships changing all the time and the large number of friends we have it's a lot to keep track of. And when we're talking about giving up our honeymoon that we have already paid a deposit on due to outside circumstances, where do you realistically draw the line on them?

We have a large number of friends who all know each other. Those who aren't dating anyone will still know everyone at the event, so it's not like we are leaving anyone hanging. We do have several out of state guests that we are giving a +1 to so they will know someone and won't be alone. 

I guess I just didn't like being made to feel like a bigger bad guy than I already feel (someone commented that well because of how rude it is of course people won't come and then I can save money- a bit hurtful given how much I do care about my guest's feelings). If I could give everyone a +1, I would. Hey, the more the merrier! We just wanted to keep it more intimate and have people we know there and not a large number of strangers, not to mention the money is now a big issue when it wasn't so much before. Again, I'm sorry if I offended anyone, I am just really upset about the whole thing and it's hard to figure it all out on your own.

And this is why I wanted to elope!! lol