Vent: some people are unbelievable...

cmreyes756

I serioulsy need to vent, read on if you don't mind a long post...

So my fiance and I have decided that we want to have a very small, intimate wedding and 3-course dinner reception at our favorite restaurant. It will be 30 people altogether (immediate family, grandparents, aunts/uncles).

Today, at work, one of my co-workers innocently asked if we decided where we were planning on having the wedding, so I told him that my fiance and I decided to keep it very small and at a restaurant. Now I've worked this guy or over 2 years, so I didn't think twice about him asking and I figured my answer was sufficient especially since it's clear that an intimate wedding is what we really want.

But no, he then takes it upon himself to tell me that I should invite anyone whose wedding I've ever attended. And it's rude that I attended their wedding when I won't be inviting them to mine. I calmly explained to this poor naive man that that's not really how weddings work; attending a wedding doesn't mean you're obligated to invite the couple if and when you ever get married. Especially if we are very purposefully keeping it small and intimate with close family only.

He then said, I get that it's all about what you two want, and that's okay, as long as you don't mind people getting upset and talking about you.
(...ummmm, what kind of rude people would do this??)
I told him if people did this, then they would be acting very selfishly, and clearly they don't have the right motivations for attending the wedding anyway. And they probably aren't the people I'd want to share such an important day with to begin with.

He then went on to say that if I don't invite people then it's because I don't care enough about them...at this point I told him that I really didn't have anything else to say about it to him and left the room.

I honestly don't get how someone could be so out of line and offensive, I seriously lost so much respect for this guy who I was always quite fond of. He mentioned the conversation to one of my close work friends and acted like he was surprised that I was upset and reacted the way I did.

Seriously, who thinks this way??

laurenclaire1386

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_people-unbelievable?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5b3ac2a0-6169-4ce0-9129-5958528b5a42Post:0fc2099b-c8eb-48dd-a0b7-a7850baf701c">some people are unbelievable...</a>:
[QUOTE]I serioulsy need to vent, read on if you don't mind a long post... So my fiance and I have decided that we want to have a very small, intimate wedding and 3-course dinner reception at our favorite restaurant. It will be 30 people altogether (immediate family, grandparents, aunts/uncles). Today, at work, one of my co-workers innocently asked if we decided where we were planning on having the wedding, so I told him that my fiance and I decided to keep it very small and at a restaurant. Now I've worked this guy or over 2 years, so I didn't think twice about him asking and I figured my answer was sufficient especially since it's clear that an intimate wedding is what we really want. But no, he then takes it upon himself to tell me that I should invite anyone whose wedding I've ever attended. And it's rude that I attended their wedding when I won't be inviting them to mine. I calmly explained to this poor naive man that that's not really how weddings work; attending a wedding doesn't mean you're obligated to invite the couple if and when you ever get married. Especially if we are very purposefully keeping it small and intimate with close family only. He then said, I get that it's all about what you two want, and that's okay, as long as you don't mind people getting upset and talking about you. (...ummmm, what kind of rude people would do this??) I told him if people did this, then they would be acting very selfishly, and clearly they don't have the right motivations for attending the wedding anyway. And they probably aren't the people I'd want to share such an important day with to begin with. He then went on to say that if I don't invite people then it's because I don't care enough about them...at this point I told him that I really didn't have anything else to say about it to him and left the room. I honestly don't get how someone could be so out of line and offensive, I seriously lost so much respect for this guy who I was always quite fond of. He mentioned the conversation to one of my close work friends and acted like he was surprised that I was upset and reacted the way I did. Seriously, who thinks this way??
Posted by cmreyes756[/QUOTE]
You're really right on all points. You are. He was wrong to make the presumption that you even needed wedding advice, then he gave it., what seems to be without solicitation. But really, you have a pretty long engagement (according to your knot bio) and while it's not an ideal option, the most gracious option is smiling and nodding. I get that you want to junk punch him, really I do. I've got some junk punches I'd really love to issue. Buuuuut, wanting to do it doesn't mean you <em>need</em> to do it. Don't let anyone who doesn't matter to you see you upset. That's good advice for any situation, wedding related or not.

cmreyes756

Thanks laurenclaire, and I agree, this guy's opinion isn't really worth getting upset about, which is why i felt i needed to just end the conversation and leave it at that. I figured this was a safe place to vent though It was just even more annoying that he decided that he should tell someone else about it, like haven't you already crossed the line?

ourwedding111111

I am so sorry that you had to encounter someone like that.  I think that he is being quite unreasonable and obnoxious.  People can get funny around weddings and some may feel hurt if they are not invited.  But from what you describe, you are having a very small intimate wedding and one would hope that he would be understanding when you told him so.  Good luck to you, I know that a situation such as this can't be easy.  We are all here for you.  

laurenclaire1386

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_people-unbelievable?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5b3ac2a0-6169-4ce0-9129-5958528b5a42Post:862f2c76-a208-4fb1-a0d8-2446e3feb027">Re: Vent: some people are unbelievable...</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks laurenclaire, and I agree, this guy's opinion isn't really worth getting upset about, which is why i felt i needed to just end the conversation and leave it at that. I figured this was a safe place to vent though :) It was just even more annoying that he decided that he should tell someone else about it, like haven't you already crossed the line?
Posted by cmreyes756[/QUOTE]
People's perceptions of lines and basic social boundaries are widely varied. Not that that's an excuse to do or say anything that makes someone else uncomfortable, but it's the reality of life, and most of the time people think they're doing good rather than harm. You're in a safe place to vent, so long as you're not not a crazypants. And it doesn't sound like you are. My salient point, though, is that this won't be the first time something like this happens during your engagement. Just prepare yourself :)

cmreyes756

Yeah, when we decided on a small wedding, I knew not everyone would understand our reasoning and everyone's opinions of weddings are different. I think I was mostly hurt that someone I actually consider a friend would call me rude and say I didn't care enough about everyone else. It's was very disappointing.

golden1215

I had a 30 person wedding at a steakhouse and it was perfect.  Dont ever let anyone talk you into anything else or feel bad because you will be so happy with your choice!

cmreyes756

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_people-unbelievable?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5b3ac2a0-6169-4ce0-9129-5958528b5a42Post:11e698d7-1184-4696-9a90-9f2043073af2">Re: Vent: some people are unbelievable...</a>:
[QUOTE]I had a 30 person wedding at a steakhouse and it was perfect.  Dont ever let anyone talk you into anything else or feel bad because you will be so happy with your choice!
Posted by golden1215[/QUOTE]

Yay for small intimate weddings, thanks for the encouragement :)

cmreyes756

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_people-unbelievable?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5b3ac2a0-6169-4ce0-9129-5958528b5a42Post:d83db324-becb-4fec-8079-5ea92cb9b657">Re: Vent: some people are unbelievable...</a>:
[QUOTE]Honey, if you think people offer unsolicited advice on your upcoming wedding, just wait until you are visibly pregnant!!  LOL
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

Hahahaha I'm afraid to think about that one

john&julie

Good luck to you!  I have to say, that's taking it to the extreme (what your coworker said).  You have the patience of a saint - I probaby would have snapped.  But that's what happens all the time with weddings.  People go insane.  I know someone who walked up to a bride right after the ceremony and said, "you're wedding is nice and all, but I was really taken aback that you didn't ask me to be a bridesmaid.'  Weddings are like full moons - all the crazies come out (and it's often those you least expect). 

squirrly

"Welp, sorry, but you're still not getting an invitation."

That would have been on the tip of my tongue. . .

He's a douche.