Birdesmaid Date Issue Resumed...

cherbein

This relates back to a post from last week.  I put a shorter version of this message at the end of the old post, but thought it might be buried too deep to get some feedback.

Drama resumed...

So I thought things were settled and okay and while my friend wasn't thrilled that I didn't want her to bring her married boyfriend to my wedding, we agreed to disagree and all was okay.  She told me before she didn't like it, but it was my wedding and she would respect my wishes.

I sent out an e-mail to get a head count for the rehearsal dinner because my FMIL didn't want to send out invitations.  My friend replies that she's been trying to put her feelings aside, but she's hurt and emotional and thinks it would effect the wedding and she's not sure what to say or how to get past it.

Did my bridesmaid just quit and what on earth am I supposed to do now?  I think I may be about to lose a bridesmaid and possibly even worse a friend because when SHE ASKED ME if I was comfortable with her bringing her married boyfriend I responded honestly that I would not be comfortable and would prefer she did not. She already knew that would be my answer because she's known me forever. 

No matter what I do now it'll be awkward.  If I stand by my initial answer she's pissed and either may not attend or be sad at the wedding.  If I go back and tell her to bring the guy, she'll still know that I didn't want him there and I'll still be uncomfortable about my friend bringing a married man and have to worry about backlash if his currently in the dark wife finds out what he's up to.  Plus my FI will be unhappy because he doesn't like the idea of this guy being there while we're taking our wedding vows and if this guy ends up in any pictures I end up with questions from my friend's curious family who have never met the guy even though they've been together for a year and a half because well the guy is MARRIED!

She's put me in a horrible situation all along with my knowing that her boyfriend is married while her family and a lot of friends don't.  I can't talk to anyone else in the bridal party about this without telling them something my friend wants me to keep secret and I don't know what to say to people if she quits and they ask why she's not there.

I don't want to lose my friend.  We've been friends for ever, but honestly my feelings right now are a mixture of sad and really pissed off.  I'm pissed that she put me in the situation of knowing and having to keep it secret.  I'm pissed that this is causing drama a month out from my wedding and I'm pissed because I can't see a good option on what to do.

Why do weddings bring out so much DRAMA?

waltzingmatilda13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_birdesmaid-date-issue-resumed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5b7e3e1d-b46b-4fdb-95d0-21ff61fd4d2dPost:a546709d-2a01-49f0-a102-ec0576ff7669">Birdesmaid Date Issue Resumed...</a>:
[QUOTE]This relates back to a post from last week.  I put a shorter version of this message at the end of the old post, but thought it might be buried too deep to get some feedback. Drama resumed... So I thought things were settled and okay and while my friend wasn't thrilled that I didn't want her to bring her married boyfriend to my wedding, we agreed to disagree and all was okay.  She told me before she didn't like it, but it was my wedding and she would respect my wishes. I sent out an e-mail to get a head count for the rehearsal dinner because my FMIL didn't want to send out invitations.  My friend replies that she's been trying to put her feelings aside, but she's hurt and emotional and thinks it would effect the wedding and she's not sure what to say or how to get past it. Did my bridesmaid just quit and what on earth am I supposed to do now?  I think I may be about to lose a bridesmaid and possibly even worse a friend because when SHE ASKED ME if I was comfortable with her bringing her married boyfriend I responded honestly that I would not be comfortable and would prefer she did not. She already knew that would be my answer because she's known me forever.  No matter what I do now it'll be awkward.  If I stand by my initial answer she's pissed and either may not attend or be sad at the wedding.  If I go back and tell her to bring the guy, she'll still know that I didn't want him there and I'll still be uncomfortable about my friend bringing a married man and have to worry about backlash if his currently in the dark wife finds out what he's up to.  Plus my FI will be unhappy because he doesn't like the idea of this guy being there while we're taking our wedding vows and if this guy ends up in any pictures I end up with questions from my friend's curious family who have never met the guy even though they've been together for a year and a half because well the guy is MARRIED! She's put me in a horrible situation all along with my knowing that her boyfriend is married while her family and a lot of friends don't.  I can't talk to anyone else in the bridal party about this without telling them something my friend wants me to keep secret and I don't know what to say to people if she quits and they ask why she's not there. I don't want to lose my friend.  We've been friends for ever, but honestly my feelings right now are a mixture of sad and really pissed off.  I'm pissed that she put me in the situation of knowing and having to keep it secret.  I'm pissed that this is causing drama a month out from my wedding and I'm pissed because I can't see a good option on what to do.<strong> Why do weddings bring out so much DRAMA?</strong>
Posted by cherbein[/QUOTE]

This drama was here long before the wedding.

jessienjeremy

I agree with you. I wouldnt want that kind of deal at my wedding either. Your up there devoting your lifes to each other and promises to be honest and love and obey. 

Wedding sometimes bring out the worst in people and bring out the selfish in people.  I think your friend needs to realize your wishes and respect them.  I would just have a heart to heart with her. Explain things, I think she can go one day and not have him there.

ohwhynot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_birdesmaid-date-issue-resumed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5b7e3e1d-b46b-4fdb-95d0-21ff61fd4d2dPost:c1bb2813-97c9-4f05-8bf3-6bad085fcaba">Re: Birdesmaid Date Issue Resumed...</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with you.<strong> I wouldnt want that kind of deal at my wedding either. Your up there devoting your lifes to each other and promises to be honest and love and obey.</strong>  Wedding sometimes bring out the worst in people and bring out the selfish in people.  I think your friend needs to realize your wishes and respect them.  I would just have a heart to heart with her. Explain things, I think she can go one day and not have him there.
Posted by jessienjeremy[/QUOTE]

Better screen all your guests, then, and be sure to eliminate anyone who is divorced, anyone who has ever had an affair, anyone whose moral standards are not up to snuff with your own. 

Simply Fated

She asked for your opinion... you answered.
She didn't like the answer and now she is pissy. That really sucks.

I do remember your previous post, but I forgot... are they in a committed relationship? I mean, I know he is married, but is it a fling or is he looking to get a divorce or what?

[Deleted User]

She asked your opinion, you told the truth, she needs to deal.

However, now that she is insulted, if you want to remain friends with her, you need to rectify things. Tell her it isn't about even having him at the wedding, it's in general about how you worry that she is going to get hurt if/when he goes back to his wife or cheats on her with someone else. If he is cheating on his wife, what makes her think he won't chest and hurt her.

LisaChris2011

I think your friend is being selfish.  She is making this become your problem, when she, as bridesmaid, should shut up about it and enjoy the rest of the wedding activities.  She asked for your opinion, didn't like it, now is having a tantrum about it.  I have a feeling your friend has been like this in the past. I realize you treasure your friend, but DO NOT back down on your own true feelings/values about having her MARRIED boyfriend be there.  Good for you to standing up to that. 

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_birdesmaid-date-issue-resumed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5b7e3e1d-b46b-4fdb-95d0-21ff61fd4d2dPost:ee3ae094-ce5e-47dd-b088-31d549b90efb">Re: Birdesmaid Date Issue Resumed...</a>:
[QUOTE]Simply Fated, This guy has been telling my friend for the past year and a half that he's going to leave his wife, but as of yet he is not separated from his wife or anything.  Just to catch anyone up, the guy lives with his wife, this is not an open marriage and the wife doesn't know. My friend at first said "if he doesn't file for divorce in 6 months, I'm out" then six months became a year etc...  I kept hoping she'd see the light and end it.  She's gotten close a few times, but it just hasn't happened. <strong>Can you classify his relationship with my friend as "committed" while he is still in a committed relationship with his wife known as marriage?</strong>
Posted by cherbein[/QUOTE]
That's where it gets tricky. I mean, you aren't the morality police, so it's not like you should be screening all of your friends' and familys' dates... but if they aren't in a committed relationship, then they shouldn't get an invite. This is something you could try explaining to her. But she is going to be angry, if she is already hurt.

The thing is, her boyfriend is married and her situation goes beyond your wedding. They can't really spend holidays together or anything like that. And now this. Things like this are going to keep happening until he leaves his wife, which he probably never will. At least not for her. It sounds like your wedding is the first major roadblock she's faced. It was bound to happen eventually.
It all sounds very "high school" to me. She needs to grow up and deal.


ETA: Just to clarify, when I say, "if they aren't in a committed relationship, then they shouldn't get an invite." I dont' mean for everyone's weddings, I just mean those are the reasonable limits the OP set and she should stick by them.

waitingformay

I understand that this would make you uncomfortable. As a bridesmaid, she should be allowed a guest and that is whom she chooses. It's not worth ruining the friendship. She knows your feelings and probably knows you're right but this isn't the time to make a statement.

LisaChris2011

I agree that OP is not the morality police and no one should go around pushing their own morals/values on anyone, but this is her wedding that she is paying for.  We all get ONE day.  We'll never get it back.  We're never have it our way again.  She is entitled to do what she wants on HER wedding day.  Yuck, I hate using that word "entitled."  But really, that is the joy of paying for your own wedding.  You truly get to do what you want.

Meredith5683

If I remember correctly you originally sent her an invite with a plus 1 (for her son) and she said that she'd rather her married bf come and leave her son at home. <do I have that right or was that another post? If that's correct then-- Who picks a married man over their own son? I don't mean to judge, but now she's being annoying about him not coming. She's throwing a fit about not getting her way and by doing so she's hoping you change her mind. She's a brat, needs to grow up, and find an available man. She also needs to tell the wife b/c if she was in the wife's shoes then I'm sure your friend would be humiliated if she'd been made a fool for a year and a half like this poor wife is. Even if they are having trouble in their marriage, your friend shouldn't be the one in the middle.

cherbein

Meredith,

I think you have a mix of posts.  I gave her an invite with an "and guest" since she was a bridesmaid.  At the time it looked like things were about to end with the married guy, but unfortunately that didn't happen.  The married guy does have a son which is maybe where you got that thought from,

I was working on getting my head count and she asked me if I would be comfortable with her bringing the married guy.  As I said before, I answered that I'd rather she not bring him and though she wasn't thrilled, she agreed that she wouldn't.  I then just let the issue drop and thought it was done.  Now, she's dragged the issue back up again and the drama has resumed with a bit of a passive aggressive tantrum and guilt trips.

I do feel bad for this guy's wife too as she's going to feel like a moron when she inevitably finds out.  Even if their marriage is having problems, noone deserves that.

noodle_oo

I would definitely not let her bring this guy to my wedding.  I just don't think it is right in any way to support his cheating on his wife.  And yes, I would be mad at my friend for putting me in the middle.  She has asked you not to tell people that he is married.  That's just not okay with me.  I don't approve of it and I don't want to be in a position of having to lie for her.  It is just not right.

I would probalby talk to her and try to make things better by all means, but I would not go back and tell her she can bring him.  She crossed the line by asking you if she could bring him and invovling you in teh situation.  These are the consequences she has to deal with by choosing to be involved with a married man.  The more she has to deal with these consequences, hopefully the sooner she will realize what she's doing is wrong.

TheCranberry

I understand how you feel, but if you want the friendship to continue, it sounds like one of you will have to suck it up.  It doesn't seem like she will, so if you really want to be her friend and want her there, just let him come.  Find a tactful way to smooth it over and let her know that her friendship means more to you than the fact that you disagree with what she's doing.  If anyone asks you about him, just tell them his name is so and so and change the question.  Why would they expect you to know all of the details of your friend's relationship?

FutureMrsTR

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_birdesmaid-date-issue-resumed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5b7e3e1d-b46b-4fdb-95d0-21ff61fd4d2dPost:c27016fa-7e31-4b2c-a99b-7fc754535953">Re: Birdesmaid Date Issue Resumed...</a>:
[QUOTE]If I remember correctly you originally sent her an invite with a plus 1 (for her son) and she said that she'd rather her married bf come and leave her son at home. <do I have that right or was that another post?
Posted by Meredith5683[/QUOTE]

That was another poster whose friend (bm?) RSVP'd for herself and the guy she's cheating on her boyfriend with.  People are great, aren't they?

mkrupar

Do you even know if the guy wants to come? Wouldn't he be concerned it gets back to his wife that he went to a wedding with his mistress?

You can't decide other people's moral standards. If she's fine dating a married man, and she considers them in a committed relationship, let her bring him. While I don't agree with what she's doing and I think he's an asshat for carrying on with your friend while being married (and not just married but separated, legitimately married and living with his wife) if you want to keep the friendship it may just be easier to let this slide.

FutureMrsTR

Yeah, what you should do is tag him in some pictures on Facebook...whoops!

NuggetBrain

I don't understand this.  Number one, Own, I hardly think that "bringing someone who's divorced" is on the same level as "bringing someone who's still married and cheating on his wife while she lies to her entire family and set of friends about this dude's marital state".  Sooo..yeah.

Secondly, I'm honestly surprised that you guys think that she should just suck it up and let her bring this dude.  For Godssake, he's not even separated from his wife.  This has nothing to do with being the "morality police" and everything to do with not wanting her to flaunt her married boyfriend around while they both lie, him to his wife and her to everydamnbody else, at a celebration that's supposed to be about the sanctity of marriage that the OP is paying for.  Jesus.  That's like thinking it's a good idea to have a funeral for a drunk driving death at a bar.  It's completely inappropriate.  And if her friend can't understand why the OP doesn't want her boyfriend there and can't suck it up for ONE DAY and leave her married boinktoy at home, then I would have to question that friendship because I'm not sure I'd want to be friends with somebody who thinks it's okay to sleep with a married man.

cherbein

I seriously want to cry and scream... 

I e-mailed my friend back to say that I loved her and was sorry that she was hurt, but that she asked me and I really would prefer she not bring her boyfriend as he is still married.  I said that we had been friends for a long time and I hoped she could agree to disagree and that she would attend my wedding. 

In her response she claimed she asked me because she figured I was okay with it since I asked her about a guest.  If she figured I was okay with it, why on earth would you need to ask instead of just saying "yes I am bringing a date"???

She also questioned how well I knew her if I didn't understand that she wouldn't be in this situation if the guy wasn't so concerned about losing his son if he left his wife.  My question here (which perhaps I should have the guts to ask her, but I really don't want to fight more) is that if he cares so much about his son why isn't he concentrating on him instead of running around with another woman?  I come from a household of parents who "stayed together for the kids" and it was hell, so I don't condem parents going their separate ways if them being together makes an unhealthy environment for their kids.  I do though have a problem with skipping the step of actually ending your marriage before starting a new relationship.

Then she said she had been looking forward to my wedding bu now I have filled her with anxiety and she's not sure she wants to come.  My friendship apparently means the world to her but since I don't see eye to eye with her on this she feels hurt and judged and doesn't know if I'm actually her friend.

One good question she asked was even if she comes without him, that doesn't change her relationship with the guy, so how do I want her to be part of the wedding if I don't approve?  My thoughts on this are that you can love a friend even without approving of all their decisions.  She's been like a sister to me, so I want her there.

I'm going to wait to cool down to e-mail her back because right now I'm tempted to ask her if he's such a great guy and the situation is so understandable than why do I have to keep it a secret from people and why hasn't she told her family the whole situation?  I'd also like to point out that asking if I'm comfortable because she thought I was comfortable makes no sense and then end that I can love people without liking all their choices so I'd like to have her there, but if she doesn't feel like coming that is her choice which pretty much may be the end of the friendship.

Maybe I am a judgmental biotch, maybe not  I try to see shades of gray in most things, but I don't really see the mitigating circumstances here.  She told me about him a year ago.  I expressed my disapproval then and after that I just didn't bring it up and whenever she mentioned him it was because she was thinking of leaving him.  Now apparently they're in a good place though nothing has changed except that he has been cheating on his wife longer.

GeauxTigers17

Can you play the etiquette card here? I mean, we tell people all the time that you can't separate social units. He's still married, and not even separated - he's in a social unit WITH HIS WIFE. He can't be part of two social units. Tell her that if he gets an invitation, so does the wife. 

Ok, partially kidding. 

But seriously - do you know for a fact that he wants to come to your wedding? I find it incredibly hard to believe that a man who is clandestinely seeing someone would be willing to come to a public, social occasion with her. Even if they aren't likely to run into someone he knows, there's always the "six degrees of separation" thing. Just because she wants him to come, doesn't mean he will, and I think he may solve this problem for you. In fact, maybe it would open her eyes if you say "fine he can come" and then the boyfriend still won't come with her. 

GeauxTigers17

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_birdesmaid-date-issue-resumed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5b7e3e1d-b46b-4fdb-95d0-21ff61fd4d2dPost:03ad789a-246d-4191-ae2b-fc5b7dffbd85">Re: Birdesmaid Date Issue Resumed...</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm sorry you've been put in this situation.  FWIW, I totally agree with NuggetBrain. Also...he still lives with his wife.  I imagine he's probably still sleeping with her too.  Doesn't this bother your friend?  Crazy.
Posted by kebmtm071605[/QUOTE]

<div>Off topic, but ughhh I didn't even think of it like that....yeah, no thanks. </div>

MrsTucker2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_birdesmaid-date-issue-resumed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5b7e3e1d-b46b-4fdb-95d0-21ff61fd4d2dPost:4b71981c-3f4d-4a04-94fb-9be002a3af5e">Re: Birdesmaid Date Issue Resumed...</a>:
[QUOTE]I think your friend is being selfish.  She is making this become your problem, when she, as bridesmaid, should shut up about it and enjoy the rest of the wedding activities.  She asked for your opinion, didn't like it, now is having a tantrum about it.  I have a feeling your friend has been like this in the past. I realize you treasure your friend, but DO NOT back down on your own true feelings/values about having her MARRIED boyfriend be there.  Good for you to standing up to that. 
Posted by LisaChris2011[/QUOTE]

THIS

mica178

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_birdesmaid-date-issue-resumed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5b7e3e1d-b46b-4fdb-95d0-21ff61fd4d2dPost:03ad789a-246d-4191-ae2b-fc5b7dffbd85">Re: Birdesmaid Date Issue Resumed...</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm sorry you've been put in this situation.  FWIW, I totally agree with NuggetBrain. Also...he still lives with his wife.  I imagine he's probably still sleeping with her too.  Doesn't this bother your friend?  Crazy.
Posted by kebmtm071605[/QUOTE]

This.

Sigh.  I'm sorry she's putting you through this right now.  As if you didn't have other things to think about than your friend and her married boyfriend.  When you do decide to respond to her email, keep it short and avoid saying anything that can be misinterpreted (no sarcasm or tongue-in-cheek jokes).  I'd consider calling her rather than emailing specifically to prevent misunderstandings.  You love her but you don't want to support this relationship especially on your wedding day (how could she ask you to condone philandering on your union day?).

NuggetBrain

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_birdesmaid-date-issue-resumed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5b7e3e1d-b46b-4fdb-95d0-21ff61fd4d2dPost:e259873a-6dab-4a7a-bbb5-0d9032a89420">Re: Birdesmaid Date Issue Resumed...</a>:
[QUOTE]One good question she asked was even if she comes without him, that doesn't change her relationship with the guy, so how do I want her to be part of the wedding if I don't approve? Posted by cherbein[/QUOTE]

I HATE when people try to use that logic to justify either allowing them and all their shenanigans or you're a bad person. Noodle's cousin does drugs.  Does that mean that we should just allow him to toke up at our wedding because, after all, just because he leaves it at home doesn't change the fact that he likes the green.  I'm sorry, but your friend sounds like her relationship with a married cheating jackanapes is more important than her friendship with you.  And it sounds like she's trying to guilt trip you into including him, and that alone would make me tell her forget it, see you whenever, and don't call me whining when he dumps you square on your ass and/or gives you the herp. 

zantster

"My friendship apparently means the world to her but since I don't see eye to eye with her on this she feels hurt and judged and doesn't know if I'm actually her friend."

I'm sorry but if she thinks that friendship means never disagreeing with someone then she needs to get a dog to be her friend and not a person.  It is completely selfish of her to try and give you an approval ultimatum by basically threatening to end your friendship if you do not endorse her fling. 

Look, the fact of the matter is you told her that she can bring a "guest."  The fact remains that she is not forbidden from bringing him so long as she can deal with the potential consequences if his presence gets leaked to the wife through cyberspace.  I would give her that facebook disclaimer like the drug companies give disclaimers on commercials.

Also, I think she is the one who is inwardly unsure about her own decisions and is trying to blame you for her own insecurities about the affair.  You are not to blame. 

If I were you I would talk to her, face-to-face or on the phone if possible, and separate the two issues.  1) If she asks do you agree with the affair then be diplomatic but honest and tell her that it is not a situation that you would be personally able to handle if it were you but as her friend if she is truly happy then all you want is for her to be happy.  That is as far as you can go and not the same as agreeing with her decision.  2)  Reiterate that the final decision re: her guest is up to her

Then if she keeps asking the same questions give the same answers: "if you're happy then I want you to be happy."  "The final decision is up to you." 

But do not lie to yourself or her and pretend to truly agree with her decision.  If after all that she drops out then she wasn't meant to be there in the first place.

cherbein

My friend works wierd hours and normally speaking doesn't answer her phone or respond to voicemails, which makes actually talking to her near impossible.  When I first asked her to be a bridesmaid she was so excited and going to help so much, but between her work schedule and how difficult she is for everyone to get ahold of, she hasn't really helped on much.

I e-mailed her my response and tried to follow some of the recommendations from here.  I even had my mom (the only person who knows about the situation) proof read it to make sure I wasn't just talking in anger or saying more than I needed to.  Some editting was required...  What can I say? I'm human, I'm hurt and more than a little pissed, but after mom's editing it seems like a better response.

Now, the ball is in my friend's court.  I am not changing my decision that I do not want her to bring her married boyfriend to the wedding, but I have to accept that it is still her decision whether she still wants to attend and be a bridesmaid.

I'll let you guys know when I find out.  At this point, I think I'm okay either way, because as much as I want her to be there if she's going to make this a huge drama issue and not be able to let it go for one day then maybe it'll be for the best if she backs out.

zantster

Cherbein:

I am so glad that you feel like you can have a wonderful day without her being there.  I thought that maybe because of a desire to have the two sides of the WP match or whatever that you really wanted to make her participation happen.  But it's great that that's not a make or break issue for your big day.  Good for you for stayiing true to yourself and not letting her hijack your happiness.  I look forward to reading your follow up on how everything goes.  You seem like a good person who really wants to do the right thing so I know your day will be blessed and fantastic!

And that's really nice that you have your mom's support as well.

zantster

Oh, and it's a real shame that your friend is falling for the oldest excuse in the book.  That being the, "I'm only staying with my spouse right now for the kids," excuse.  There have been so many lifetime movies  based on a true story with that theme that it isn't even funny.  But it sounds like she's afraid of having everyone look at her like "We told you so," and she's probably afraid of having to look herself in the mirror after putting up with all of this to get nothing in return.  One day she's going to have to chalk it up to a lesson learned and move on, hopefully sooner than later since the more time goes by the more foolish she looks and the worse she'll feel when it all blows up in her face.

cherbein

zanster,

Thank you so much for your kind words!

This whole situation makes me sad, but I am not going to let it ruin FI and my wedding day.  The important part of that day is that I am marrying my best friend and whether my bridesmaid friend attends or not doesn't change that.  The ironic thing is that her backing out will actually create symmetry in the WP instead of destroy it.  FI asked 6 groomsmen, but I had 7 girls I wanted to ask to be bridesmaids.  As opposed to making him ask an extra guy or my leaving one of my girls out, we decided to just let it be uneven and enjoy having all the friends we wanted up there. So what if one guy walks two girls down the aisle at the end? <shrugs /> I want her to participate because she has been like a sister to me for years and I don't want to see an over a decade long friendship end.  Right now though the ball is in her court and we'll see what happens.

I am very blessed to have a supportive mother and she's been a great help in this matter and many other times.

zantster

Wow!  Not to get all super-religious but I truly feel like everything is in divine order and God is looking out for you.  It sounds like regardless of her ultimate decision, your day is going to go off without a hitch, and if she is not involved the regret will be completely hers and not yours.  I am so excited now for you and I cannot wait to see pics from the day!

cherbein

Status Update...

There is still no reply from my bridesmaid, though I'm pretty sure she read my e-mail.  Some of my other bridesmaids surprised me with a bachelorette party this weekend and the one was very confused that the bridesmaid which this post has been about didn't show up like she said she would.  She sent her a text message to see what was up and the only response she got was "It's probably best I don't come".  Later this weekend I had to explain to the two bridesmaids who planned the bachelorette what was going on because they were very confused.

If I don't hear back from her by Friday, I'm going to let her know that I take her lack of response plus how she handled by bachelorette to mean she isn't coming to the wedding, and just close this chapter of drama.