how do i deal with this?

HockeyFan4

my mom told me this week that my FMIL has been asking her to let her pay for something...(they have become friendly over the past 5 years)... my FMIL was out of work for 4 years taking care of my FI's dad...who just passed away in the fall.  She reccently started working again and we know she doesn't have a lot of $$. 

When she has asked me what she can pay for I told her she can pay for her dress and help my FI with his tux if she wants.

my dad mentioned she said she wanted to pay for the photographer and asked how much it was...when my dad told her, she said what else could she pay for...(we sort of splurged on our photographer)

I am meeting with a florist this week and FMIL just called and said she wanted to pay for the flowers and intends on dropping off a blank check tommorrow.  I tried to say thanks but no thanks ..because i know what i want will not be inexpensive...she wouldn't take no for an answer (she usually doesn't)

now i don't know what to do.  Do i refuse the check?  Have her do half of the flowers?  "Misrepresent" the price of the flowers and do part of the cost?  what?  I do not want to get less than I want, but I don't want her feeling badly.  I really just don't want her to spend the $$.

HandBanana

Why not allow her to pay for the ceremony flowers?  The bouquets and bouteniers (sp?)?  Also, you could have her help you in actual physical ways.  Possibly addressing and preparing invites, preparing favors?

It sounds like she really wants to help and that is great.  Maybe you could talk to her about her assistance not needing to be monetary.

LDYGTR13

I think maybe using the check for a smaller portion, like ceremony flowers is the way to go. I feel like that's a legitimate cut off and she'd probably feel better about covering the flowers for an entire part of the wedding vs just bouts and bouquets. Definitely try to find out what she's expecting to pay so she doesn't get surprised

PsyDet 2155

I would let her pay for the flowers.  Consider it a very generous gift.  You never know, she could have set money aside and has a nice little savings put away.

HockeyFan4

would it be wrong to say "traditionally the grooms side pays for the Rehersal dinner" ? ...we want to just do a cookout at my parents house (pretty cost affective)...and with her savings club membership it would be a lot cheaper than flowers...but she would be paying for it....

i know she wants to be a part of things....and i want her to be too!  (she went with us when we went for my dress, and our taste testing at our venue)  I have shown her the stuff I have DIYd so far.... 

i just don't want to hurt anyones feelings

bridezillatobe2009

It sounds like you're very close and that's awesome, maybe try talking to her upfront about it And like PP said, maybe she has a savings for this day?

SEWF

She sounds like my mom. My mom doesn't have a job right now, but she wanted to pay for something, so she gave me a check that almost covered the venue cost. I was going to try to say no, I know she doesn't have an income, but she wouldn't have allowed that. 

Sit down and discuss flower costs with her, and tell her you'd be honored if she'd help with the ceremony flowers costs.

Mothers sacrifice for their children, and it sounds like it's just in her nature, like it is for my mom. DO NOT refuse the money, because that will probably make her feel embarrassed. Pride may be a factor also. Just gracefully accept the money, thank her profusely, and if she still wants to do more, ask her to help with any DIY projects you may have or invite her to meet vendors with you.

graysquirrel

I think that it is great that you are considering her finances. I like pp's idea of accepting money for part of the flowers. If you don't want to make her feel bad because they are expensive, what about covering the cost of the DJ or cake? Still integral parts but maybe not as pricey.

kmmssg

As a MOB, I agree with making sure you graciously accept the money.  It sounds like this is very important to her.  Maybe her son getting married is a nice diversion for her after losing her husband and feeling like she is contributing is important to her.

I'm afraid that if you tell her that the grooms family traditionally pays for the Rd she may feel like should step up and cover that too.

Let her know that you are so touched that she is taking care of your ceremony flowers and thank her.  Say nothing about any other flowers and cover whatever you need for the reception.  She sounds like a lovely person.

DeadUtopia

I would try to make her feel special because she sounds like an awesome FMIL to me lol Offer to let her cover the costs of your bouquet and FI's bout, so she can contribute something important to you and FI, but she won't be in a financial pince because of it. Or if you haven't purchased some part of your attire, maybe she could be the one who purchases your something "blue" or your shoes or veil.

Milsey32

I agree with LDYGTR -- DEFINITELY figure out what she's expecting to pay before you write anything in that blank check. She would probably feel awful (and could get charged fees) if that check bounced. 

HockeyFan4

i hate talking money

(i just typed about 10 different responses and deleted them all....cuz really it all just comes down to "i hate talking money")

but thank you for your suggestions....I think I will talk with my mom tomorrow morning when I see her and see what she thinks...and then suggest to FMIL to hold off for now, as it will be our first appt with the florist and I have no idea yet....and then we can go from there. 

tuckhm

When we first went to the florist and booked, we only had to put down a deposit that equaled a third of the total cost of what we picked out, and the second and third payments weren't due until much closer to the wedding.  If you are afraid that what you are picking out is more expensive than she realizes, use the blank check to put down a deposit.  You can pay the rest yourselves later.  Or if you want to be honest with her about it, tell her that only X amount was due at the time, and you used the blank check to pay the deposit.  Make it clear that you don't expect her to pay the remainder balance since you know you picked out pricey flowers.  If she is still adamant about paying the remainder after knowing the final cost, let her know when the next payments are due.