Wedding Etiquette Forum

Marriage Counseling

Who has done it? What was it like?

Background: H sexted with a girl before we were married and then recently flirted with her via FB. I found out because I snooped.
I found a couples-counselor through my Employee Assistance Program, but I felt like she was kind of bogus. She was so old (and hard of hearing and it was weird to discuss our issues at an almost-yelling volume) and I felt like she didn't think our problems were that big of a deal. She basically told us that it would take time to rebuild trust (duh) and that it seemed like we had enough good stuff going for us that it would happen.

That was nice to hear and all, but I'm wondering if we got a bunk therapist and should try to find another. It's hard for me to just open up to a random person. Shouldn't a therapist try to dig deeper or give us more suggestions? Or am I expecting too much?

We are doing much better. I found a couple good resources online that have been helping me. H is doing a good job of working to regain my trust and he is seeing a therapist on his own. We are both vowing to communicate more, and so far it has been going well, but I am still, understandably, a bit on edge.

Re: Marriage Counseling

  • You are definitely not expecting too much.  There is a reason it takes almost a decade to become a Psychiatrist... your psychiatrisst is telling you things you already know, thus negating the need to go to her.  That should not be the case.  I'd see what other options are out there TBH because counseling shouldn't make you feel uncomfortable like that.
  • I'd look for another counselor - it sounds like this one wasn't the right fit for you.  (I'm not sure she'd be the right fit for anybody, based on your description, but that's really neither here nor there.) 
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  • edited December 2011
    Not all therapists are the right match for every patient and unfortunately not all are good ones. I was terrified to finally see one after something horrible happening to me in college and before the end of the first session was over, she told me in a not so roundabout way that it was my fault. Yeah. Good job, therapist. At first I bashed myself and thought she was right but finally got the courage to find the right therapist and got the help I needed to heal and move forward. Clearly you still feel that you and H need help working through this issue, understandably. Be proactive and find the right person to help you do that. It's worth it.
  • H and I have talked about going, but I'm not really sure where to start.  We did the required church stuff WITH the church, but nothing beyond that and I'm not sure how to go about finding someone.
  • FI and I have both, at one time or another, sought counseling but never have gone together -- neither of us is at all opposed if it does ever seem useful or needed, however.

    That said, I've had a couple different psychologists and they are definitely not all cut from the same cloth. It might take a few more sessions to find someone who you trust and relate to, but once you do, it's way worth it.
    Lizzie
  • It's normal to shop around for a counselor until you find one that matches what you need.  Keep on looking if the chemistry was off on this first one.


    Good luck!
  • You can ask friends/family for referrals if you feel comfortable.  If not, call your insurance company.  They should be able to give you a list of counselors in your area. There are different kinds of people that can help.  A lot of people feel they need to see a psychiatrist b/c they are the best (most education, etc), but if you don't require medication, you don't need to go to a psychiatrist.  You can see a psychologist, a licensed marriage counselor (probably your best bet), a regular counselor or a licensed social worker.  Anyone can call themselves a "therapist" so be careful about that term.  Good luck.  Sounds like you should definitely find someone new.    
  • [QUOTE]Not all therapists are the right match for every patient and unfortunately not all are good ones. 
    Posted by kalpi108[/QUOTE]

    <div>Ditto and ditto, both from personal experience.  Keep looking.  You're taking the right steps.</div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_marriage-counseling?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5d0d4dd2-f4c9-45ed-a06c-a97fa65001e1Post:22f4d0c6-7f34-4747-b388-c550f8a1d5fd">Re: Marriage Counseling</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Marriage Counseling : <a href="http://www.find-a-therapist.com/" rel="nofollow">http://www.find-a-therapist.com/</a> This will let you narrow down by specialty and search by zip code radius. Once you get the list of results, you can read their bio and their treatment philosophy.
    Posted by burntofferings[/QUOTE]

    Thanks!  I'll check it out :-)
  • My advice would be to get another counselor, one whom you are comfortable with and that you like.  H and I have a wonderful marriage counselor who thus far has really made a difference, made H feel at ease (he's never had counseling before) and has gently prodded us towards better communication and understanding each other.  There ARE good counselors out there, and you both owe it to each other to do a little searching and find one that works for you. 

    Good luck.  *HUGS*  I'm keeping you in my thoughts.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_marriage-counseling?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5d0d4dd2-f4c9-45ed-a06c-a97fa65001e1Post:00e37200-9ab4-4007-b3e5-91d593ae8bc1">Re: Marriage Counseling</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>It's normal to shop around for a counselor until you find one that matches what you need.</strong>  Keep on looking if the chemistry was off on this first one. Good luck!
    Posted by mica178[/QUOTE]

    This. Don't let it discourage you. Also, know that in some cases, you might HATE a therapist at first BECAUSE of all the digging they will make you do, and then, work through it. I know that's how it was with me years ago. In some cases, that means they're a good therapist. I think you hate this one because she sucked, though. So, not the same.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_marriage-counseling?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:5d0d4dd2-f4c9-45ed-a06c-a97fa65001e1Post:f69244f3-f44b-48fe-9f32-8f7595d6913c">Re: Marriage Counseling</a>:
    [QUOTE]Not all therapists are the right match for every patient and unfortunately not all are good ones. I was terrified to finally see one after something horrible happening to me in college and before the end of the first session was over, she told me in a not so roundabout way that it was my fault. Yeah. Good job, therapist. At first I bashed myself and thought she was right but finally got the courage to find the right therapist and got the help I needed to heal and move forward. Clearly you still feel that you and H need help working through this issue, understandably. Be proactive and find the right person to help you do that. It's worth it.
    Posted by kalpi108[/QUOTE]

    <div>Omg, Kalpi. I am so sorry that happened to you. Wow :( *hugs*</div><div>
    </div><div>Mica is right. It is normal to shop around. Find someone that works for you. </div>
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  • I'm in the counseling field myself and I would recommend seeing a marriage and family therapist or a counselor, not a psychiatrist. A psychiatrist typically deals with mental disorders and personality disorders with their main treatment being medication. That really doesn't apply to your situation with your H. A good marriage and family therapist won't just tell you to work on trust, they will actually help you to facilitate the process to regaining trust through activities, conversations, etc. I would definitely say to shop around and call various counselors and ask them about their experience dealing with couples. Each counselor comes from a different perspective and theoretical model so you should definitely find one that you feel comfortable with. Good luck!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_marriage-counseling?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:5d0d4dd2-f4c9-45ed-a06c-a97fa65001e1Post:fff97f39-0c36-4cd4-aa89-b60b99627174">Re: Marriage Counseling</a>:
    [QUOTE]My advice would be to get another counselor, one whom you are comfortable with and that you like.  H and I have a wonderful marriage counselor who thus far has really made a difference, made H feel at ease (he's never had counseling before) and has gently prodded us towards better communication and understanding each other.  There ARE good counselors out there, and you both owe it to each other to do a little searching and find one that works for you.  Good luck.  *HUGS*  I'm keeping you in my thoughts.
    Posted by baystateapple[/QUOTE]

    Hey Bay, you've got a PM.

    Thanks for all the advice everyone! It was such a hassle to get the referral and appt for this counselor, it's frustrating to think about going through it all again. But I will do it. I want a counselor like some of you have described- someone who makes us dig and communicate better.
  • How many appointments have you had? It sounds like it might have just been the initial appointment? In my experience, at least, you're not going to really get anything done in the first couple of appointments besides answering question and letting the counselor know the background. DH and I have been in counseling since September, I think, and it's just the past few weeks that I feel like we're really at a point of achieving something.

    But I also agree that sometimes it's just not the right counselor for you. It wasn't until the third therapist that we tried that we felt like we'd found the right person.
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